apology, embarassed etc.

[Guest guest]

Yesterday I sent a rather desperate sounding email to the list and

also said I was going to sign off. Only I don't see the message here

at all and also I DEFINITELY then went to the " edit membership " page

and clicked on LEAVE GROUP twice.

So today I thought, I have to rejoin and apologize and tell them I am

OK and all that, and it's so embarassing I'd rather not... but I owe

it to them... and so I go to Yahoo groups and 1) I am still signed up

and 2) the email I sent does not look like it is here. So I have NO

IDEA if you all saw the email or not. I just am not sure. So maybe I

will explain and apologize anyway just in case it DID show up... so I

will still have the embarassment after you read this. Oh well. I

can't get anything right, even on the Autism Spectrum list.

In case you did see it or are curious I will say that I said I was

going to sign off because my husband made a comment that if I did not

stop acting this way (i.e. big crying MELTDOWN) he would take the kid

and use every trick in the book to get him away from me. So, I took

it UTTERLY seriously and the first thing I could think of was I have

to quit all my online groups in case the judge doesn't want to leave

the kid with a mom who is autistic....

Later my husband came home and the first thing he said without me

even asking, was he wanted me to know he would NEVER EVER take my

child from me, that he knows my son is the most important thing in my

life, etc. etc. So, now knowing that I most likely have AS and part

of it is taking things way literally (although he DID say it)... it

turns out that when he is mad he can say the meanest thing he can

think of and not really mean it. So I asked him IF in the future you

ever say it AGAIN because you are mad, should I KNOW for SURE that

you are just saying it? And he said that was correct. He actually

expected that when he said it I would tell him to fuck off or

something but he said I just got a scared look on my face...

This morning I thought I just need a BREAK where nothing happens to

make me overload. What I really need to do is just sit with my eyes

unfocused and rock or something. So since my child is only 3 and will

probably not remember all that much, that's what I did. I read him

some nice stories that are familiar, then I had him on my lap

rocking, which he said he liked. He said he did NOT want me to have

one of his stuffed animals. I don't have animals or objects I

carry although sometimes I want to... because I think I would freak

if I lost my little object. I do have one special rock I keep in my

office and never take anywhere so it is always here when I am in the

office...

And once again, I apologize if anyone did see my message. And thank

you if anyone saw it and deleted it. I will try to be better and not

melt down online.

Rhonda