Re: Character assasination

March 11, 2008

Wow - I really like that. Stating up front that " no one can win in this

situation " really helps. People on the outside probably thought the root of

me and my mom's problems was normal stuff like " you missed curfew " or " you

got a bad grade. " They probably can't imagine that really she was screaming

at me for taking a normal developmental step toward adulthood, cleaning the

house or for putting vegetables in the food I cooked for her dinner.

>

> That's a good question. It depends who I am talking to as to how much I

> disclose. I always preface with, " I am not going to give you my opinion, I

> am just going to give you the facts. This is a no win situation - there are

> no sides to be picked, bc both sides lose. " For me, that kind of sets the

> stage for the conversation. Be very careful talking to people who do not

> know her well. Also, make sure everything you say is completely honest and

> something that you would say to her face (bc there is a good chance it will

> get back to her).

>

> If anyone starts telling you how it is your fault and you need to

> " respect " your mother or any of that bull, I would assertively tell them

> they have not, nor will they ever stand in your shoes. While you are

> willing to give them your " side " or the story, and are willing to hear what

> they have to say too, I would calmly explain that you have weighed your

> options and thought this through carefully and you have decided, for you

> (NOT for your mother), that NC is the best move FOR YOU. Tell them you

> understand that your mother is hurting and that you are hurting too. You

> have to mitigate your own pain before you can do anything about hers. For

> the time being, your pain subsides from being away from her. PERIOD. This

> is where they should stop pushing. Be polite, but assertive. Sometimes the

> peopel asking you questions come masked in compassion, but they are truly a

> soldier of your mothers.

>

> This is why all conversations where I talk to someone about what has

> happened and why my husband and I are NC, begin with, " I am not going to

> give you my opinion, I am just going to give you thefacts. This is a no win

> situation - there are no sides to be picked,bc both sides lose. " You do not

> know if you are talking to someone you can trust or not. Also, that

> statement makes it perfectly clear that this is not a power play (at least

> on your side). The most important thing you can get across to anyone, I

> think, is that everyone loses in these situations. There's no winning, no

> resolution, and NC is simply your way of moving on with your life.

>

> Re: Re: Character assasination

>

> Thank you, those are very helpful thoughts. What do you

> do when someone asks

> you about it? What do you say?

>

> >

> > Its exactly what you said: SURVIVAL. The character assassination is

> > horrible and is the part that bothers me the most. My MIL annihilates

> > my husband and I behind our backs. Here's the silver lining though:

> > I think deep down most people know. Its animal instinct to try and

> > rescue someone who is crying and most of the BPs do a brilliant job

> > working the victim angle and weeping about how awful YOU are how they

> > " just don't understand what they have done to deserve this. "

> >

> > Pull out of the situation though, and pretend you don't know your

> > mother and you are listening to her go on about how aweful and hurtful

> > her child is. Do you believe her? What's your main objective? If

> > your like most, you want to put a bandaid on it. People around your

> > mother quickly gather that the quick fix would be for you to apologize

> > (for something you didn't do). It doesn't matter to them whether or

> > not her accusations are true. They are just trying to keep the peace.

> > They don't have near the investment in this woman that you do.

> >

> > Plus, I think sometimes at church people get the idea of emulating

> > Christ and being a doormat confused.

> >

> > Bottom line: people that know you will know she is lying. Most

> > likely, even people that don't know you will know she is lying.

> > However, most people will not call someone out on a lie - its just

> > easier to sympathize (put the bandaid on it).

> >

> > Try not to worry about it, bc it will never change.

> >

> > >

> > > Hello Everyone,

> > > We've had some excellent discussions about hair pulling and weird

> > gifts and

> > > I guess I'm ready to talk about a deeper level of hurt. My mother

> > would talk

> > > to her friends, my relatives, my teachers and my church leaders

> > about how

> > > horrible I was and how I hurt her. I don't see how they could have

> > believed

> > > her because my mom wasn't a good actress, didn't have a polished

> > image and

> > > really just seemed like a big fat phony. In the books they refer to

> > this as

> > > BPD character assasination. A huge part of my decision to go NC with

> my

> > > mother was the fact that she told such horrible lies about me.

> > >

> > > It was the worst during and after puberty, when a girl needs her

> > mother the

> > > most. My mom went to church every week and would always be several

> hours

> > > late getting home. What she did is, during the service, and for as

> > long as

> > > she could afterwards,she would hold court in the lobby. My mother

> didn't

> > > believe in the church (Mormon, or Church of Jesus Christ and Latter

> Day

> > > Saints), but members of this church are expected to " fellowship "

> > each other,

> > > or try to get people who are drifting away back into the church.

> > >

> > > Anyway, my mom would go to church specifically, I believed, because

> she

> > > could hold court their, using the women's desire to bring her into the

> > > church as a full believer to hold their attention. I overheard some

> > of the

> > > stories she told about me and they were absolutely horrible. The worst

> > > moment of my life was when one of these women came up to me, when I

> was

> > > about 14 and very emotionally fragile because of my horrible mother,

> > and she

> > > said, " Your mother is a good woman. You need to treat her better. "

> > >

> > > Anyway, the pain of all of this has kept me away from my home town for

> 5

> > > years. I haven't seen any of my extended family or my dad's friends

> who

> > > helped raise me because I know she tells them lies and I just can't

> > face the

> > > curious, questioning looks. I know they at least partly believe her

> > based on

> > > what they say and the questions they ask me. I can't believe anyone

> > would

> > > believe her phony BS, I mean, she isn't a good liar or actress at all.

> > >

> > > I'd love to hear similar stories and how you all survived the

> character

> > > assassination.

> > > XOXO, Girlscout

> > >

March 11, 2008

Oh, Girlscout...this is an issue very very near and dear to my fragile ego. For

me, it has been one of the most devastating things my mother has continually

done...and continues to do. It is precisely why I went nc with her 2 1/2 months

ago. She assassinates my character behind my back...and to my face. It's

amazing to find out I'm not the deceitful, manipulative, hypersensitive,

self-centered, hedonistic brat that she's always told me I am. My therapist

about choked, I think, when I was explaining how my mother has always made a

point of telling me that some therapist told her...when I was TEN...that I was

hedonistic...and that this was often used as justification for the other things

she did to me. My therapist was basically stunned and explained how by her

definition I'm as far from a hedonist as it gets!

Some of the smear campaign was very subtle...half truths, you know? She would

goad me and torment me and ridicule me into tears or a tantrum...and then call

everyone and tell them what histrionics I was giving her and how awful it was

and that she had no idea what I was pitching a hissy fit about this time...all

as if she had been sitting there innocently and I just blew up for no reason.

She'd not even be accurate about what I'd said...I remember listening to her

tell these stories and getting even more upset. I was a child, I had no

defense, you know? My father traveled a good bit for his work...so he heard

rather than witnessed much of this. To this day he still has trouble believing

I'm anything other than what she led him to believe all those years. I mean,

there she would be...harassing me about my homework and trying to micromanage it

(when I hadn't asked for help) or, if I asked for help she would get mean and

tell me how lazy and stupid I was...or how

resistant to help I was...and keep going until I was in tears and refused to

touch the homework. Then the story would be " I try so hard to motivate and

encourage her, but she just throws a tantrum and refuses to do any schoolwork at

all. I don't know what to do with her... "

Some of it has been pretty out there, though...bald face lies that she seems

to actually believe. I think I've mentioned some of them before. For

instance...she spent a good number of my college years convinced that I was

hiding a pregnancy from her. She would harass my roommate about it at every

opportunity (but it was supposed to be a secret) and tell her friends how hurt

she was, that she just KNEW I was pregnant. I wasn't. I never have been. But

you can't convince her of that. In October of 2000, I was a bone marrow/stem

cell donor through the National Marrow Donor Program. My mother got angry that

I had other people going with me and not her (I dunno, ma...you haven't spoken

to me in almost 10 months until you heard about this and now all of a sudden you

want to be there for me? No thank you.) I didn't want her to go...I knew she

wouldn't be supportive and that for her it was all about telling people she was

involved in it. She decided that I must be

lying...so that Sunday she accosts me and one of my friends (who had gone with

me) and accused us...in front of the altar in a Catholic Church...of being

liars. She then proceeded to tell us, rather loudly, that she knew what I'd

really done was go to have an abortion. Uh...right. I'm going to drive 3 hours

away to have an abortion when I already live in a major metropolitan area with

plenty of options for that around? And it's just not a choice that *I* would

make, anyway. But, she was convinced. She not only continued to confront that

friend of mine for several years to " just tell the truth " ...she also lamented to

various people in our parish about my " big lie. " I ended up donating 2 more

times for the same recipient...I'm sure she thinks those were also abortions.

Heck, I even MET my recipient...and it was on the front page of her metropolitan

paper...and my mother still will sometimes forget that she made up the abortion

thing.

Another fun one was finding out that several of my distant relatives thought I

had spent almost two years in drug rehab. Now, I'll admit to being a party

drinker during my college years...a LONG TIME AGO...but drugs have never been my

thing. I leave that to my brother. Those two years? When I was away and they

thought I was in rehab? I was doing mission work in a third world orphanage.

Some drug rehab, right?

and I could go on. What I finally realized...the last time I saw her...was

that no matter what I do or say she is going to spin it so that she looks like a

victim and I look like a bad person. It KILLS me to know that I have relatives

who think I'm who she's led them to believe I am. Kills me. Because I can't

fight it, you know? I have had several who have approached me in the last few

years to apologize, though...they've been talking amongst themselves apparently

and my mother's brother is one of my biggest champions. He told me, soon after

I returned from mission, " I've been telling people that they need to get to know

you on their own terms, away from other people. I tell them that they will

learn what I've learned, that you are not the person we've been led to believe

you are. You are a person of great depth, intelligence, compassion, and

integrity and it would be their loss to not get to know you. " I'm sure my

mother would completely lose it if she knew

about that conversation, though. It would be spun into what a gossip I am and

how I bad mouth her all the time! Can't win...so I'm not even going to try.

My therapist...God bless this woman and her neverending patience with me and

my stubbornness...keeps reminding me that when I meet people (even people who

know my mother and her distortions) that I need to give them some credit for

having their own minds. And, that anyone who meets me in real life is going to

see who I am, weigh it against what she says, and then realize the truth and

like me for it. I'm still working on believing I'm likeable, but I'm getting

there.

Ninera

Girlscout Cowboy wrote:

Hello Everyone,

We've had some excellent discussions about hair pulling and weird gifts and

I guess I'm ready to talk about a deeper level of hurt. My mother would talk

to her friends, my relatives, my teachers and my church leaders about how

horrible I was and how I hurt her. I don't see how they could have believed

her because my mom wasn't a good actress, didn't have a polished image and

really just seemed like a big fat phony. In the books they refer to this as

BPD character assasination. A huge part of my decision to go NC with my

mother was the fact that she told such horrible lies about me.

It was the worst during and after puberty, when a girl needs her mother the

most. My mom went to church every week and would always be several hours

late getting home. What she did is, during the service, and for as long as

she could afterwards,she would hold court in the lobby. My mother didn't

believe in the church (Mormon, or Church of Jesus Christ and Latter Day

Saints), but members of this church are expected to " fellowship " each other,

or try to get people who are drifting away back into the church.

Anyway, my mom would go to church specifically, I believed, because she

could hold court their, using the women's desire to bring her into the

church as a full believer to hold their attention. I overheard some of the

stories she told about me and they were absolutely horrible. The worst

moment of my life was when one of these women came up to me, when I was

about 14 and very emotionally fragile because of my horrible mother, and she

said, " Your mother is a good woman. You need to treat her better. "

Anyway, the pain of all of this has kept me away from my home town for 5

years. I haven't seen any of my extended family or my dad's friends who

helped raise me because I know she tells them lies and I just can't face the

curious, questioning looks. I know they at least partly believe her based on

what they say and the questions they ask me. I can't believe anyone would

believe her phony BS, I mean, she isn't a good liar or actress at all.

I'd love to hear similar stories and how you all survived the character

assassination.

XOXO, Girlscout

March 11, 2008

Wow! Holy crazy lady, batman! It all rung true for me but especially the

homework part. My mom was an English/special ed teacher and I would actually

make appointments with her to review my English papers before I turned them

in. Every single time, when I went at the time of the appointment and asked

her to read it, she would launch into a full on fit that would last about 2

hours because she was " too tired " and how dare I be so selfish. Then she

would tell the world how selfish I was.

I was so confused. I mean, my friend's moms were excited when their kids did

well in school and wanted to support them in that.

>

> Oh, Girlscout...this is an issue very very near and dear to my fragile

> ego. For me, it has been one of the most devastating things my mother has

> continually done...and continues to do. It is precisely why I went nc with

> her 2 1/2 months ago. She assassinates my character behind my back...and to

> my face. It's amazing to find out I'm not the deceitful, manipulative,

> hypersensitive, self-centered, hedonistic brat that she's always told me I

> am. My therapist about choked, I think, when I was explaining how my mother

> has always made a point of telling me that some therapist told her...when I

> was TEN...that I was hedonistic...and that this was often used as

> justification for the other things she did to me. My therapist was basically

> stunned and explained how by her definition I'm as far from a hedonist as it

> gets!

>

> Some of the smear campaign was very subtle...half truths, you know? She

> would goad me and torment me and ridicule me into tears or a tantrum...and

> then call everyone and tell them what histrionics I was giving her and how

> awful it was and that she had no idea what I was pitching a hissy fit about

> this time...all as if she had been sitting there innocently and I just blew

> up for no reason. She'd not even be accurate about what I'd said...I

> remember listening to her tell these stories and getting even more upset. I

> was a child, I had no defense, you know? My father traveled a good bit for

> his work...so he heard rather than witnessed much of this. To this day he

> still has trouble believing I'm anything other than what she led him to

> believe all those years. I mean, there she would be...harassing me about my

> homework and trying to micromanage it (when I hadn't asked for help) or, if

> I asked for help she would get mean and tell me how lazy and stupid I

> was...or how

> resistant to help I was...and keep going until I was in tears and refused

> to touch the homework. Then the story would be " I try so hard to motivate

> and encourage her, but she just throws a tantrum and refuses to do any

> schoolwork at all. I don't know what to do with her... "

>

> Some of it has been pretty out there, though...bald face lies that she

> seems to actually believe. I think I've mentioned some of them before. For

> instance...she spent a good number of my college years convinced that I was

> hiding a pregnancy from her. She would harass my roommate about it at every

> opportunity (but it was supposed to be a secret) and tell her friends how

> hurt she was, that she just KNEW I was pregnant. I wasn't. I never have

> been. But you can't convince her of that. In October of 2000, I was a bone

> marrow/stem cell donor through the National Marrow Donor Program. My mother

> got angry that I had other people going with me and not her (I dunno,

> ma...you haven't spoken to me in almost 10 months until you heard about this

> and now all of a sudden you want to be there for me? No thank you.) I didn't

> want her to go...I knew she wouldn't be supportive and that for her it was

> all about telling people she was involved in it. She decided that I must be

> lying...so that Sunday she accosts me and one of my friends (who had gone

> with me) and accused us...in front of the altar in a Catholic Church...of

> being liars. She then proceeded to tell us, rather loudly, that she knew

> what I'd really done was go to have an abortion. Uh...right. I'm going to

> drive 3 hours away to have an abortion when I already live in a major

> metropolitan area with plenty of options for that around? And it's just not

> a choice that *I* would make, anyway. But, she was convinced. She not only

> continued to confront that friend of mine for several years to " just tell

> the truth " ...she also lamented to various people in our parish about my " big

> lie. " I ended up donating 2 more times for the same recipient...I'm sure she

> thinks those were also abortions. Heck, I even MET my recipient...and it was

> on the front page of her metropolitan paper...and my mother still will

> sometimes forget that she made up the abortion thing.

>

> Another fun one was finding out that several of my distant relatives

> thought I had spent almost two years in drug rehab. Now, I'll admit to being

> a party drinker during my college years...a LONG TIME AGO...but drugs have

> never been my thing. I leave that to my brother. Those two years? When I was

> away and they thought I was in rehab? I was doing mission work in a third

> world orphanage. Some drug rehab, right?

>

> and I could go on. What I finally realized...the last time I saw her...was

> that no matter what I do or say she is going to spin it so that she looks

> like a victim and I look like a bad person. It KILLS me to know that I have

> relatives who think I'm who she's led them to believe I am. Kills me.

> Because I can't fight it, you know? I have had several who have approached

> me in the last few years to apologize, though...they've been talking amongst

> themselves apparently and my mother's brother is one of my biggest

> champions. He told me, soon after I returned from mission, " I've been

> telling people that they need to get to know you on their own terms, away

> from other people. I tell them that they will learn what I've learned, that

> you are not the person we've been led to believe you are. You are a person

> of great depth, intelligence, compassion, and integrity and it would be

> their loss to not get to know you. " I'm sure my mother would completely lose

> it if she knew

> about that conversation, though. It would be spun into what a gossip I am

> and how I bad mouth her all the time! Can't win...so I'm not even going to

> try.

>

> My therapist...God bless this woman and her neverending patience with me

> and my stubbornness...keeps reminding me that when I meet people (even

> people who know my mother and her distortions) that I need to give them some

> credit for having their own minds. And, that anyone who meets me in real

> life is going to see who I am, weigh it against what she says, and then

> realize the truth and like me for it. I'm still working on believing I'm

> likeable, but I'm getting there.

>

> Ninera

> Girlscout Cowboy <girlscout.cowboy@...<girlscout.cowboy%40gmail.com>>

> wrote:

> Hello Everyone,

> We've had some excellent discussions about hair pulling and weird gifts

> and

> I guess I'm ready to talk about a deeper level of hurt. My mother would

> talk

> to her friends, my relatives, my teachers and my church leaders about how

> horrible I was and how I hurt her. I don't see how they could have

> believed

> her because my mom wasn't a good actress, didn't have a polished image and

> really just seemed like a big fat phony. In the books they refer to this

> as

> BPD character assasination. A huge part of my decision to go NC with my

> mother was the fact that she told such horrible lies about me.

>

> It was the worst during and after puberty, when a girl needs her mother

> the

> most. My mom went to church every week and would always be several hours

> late getting home. What she did is, during the service, and for as long as

> she could afterwards,she would hold court in the lobby. My mother didn't

> believe in the church (Mormon, or Church of Jesus Christ and Latter Day

> Saints), but members of this church are expected to " fellowship " each

> other,

> or try to get people who are drifting away back into the church.

>

> Anyway, my mom would go to church specifically, I believed, because she

> could hold court their, using the women's desire to bring her into the

> church as a full believer to hold their attention. I overheard some of the

> stories she told about me and they were absolutely horrible. The worst

> moment of my life was when one of these women came up to me, when I was

> about 14 and very emotionally fragile because of my horrible mother, and

> she

> said, " Your mother is a good woman. You need to treat her better. "

>

> Anyway, the pain of all of this has kept me away from my home town for 5

> years. I haven't seen any of my extended family or my dad's friends who

> helped raise me because I know she tells them lies and I just can't face

> the

> curious, questioning looks. I know they at least partly believe her based

> on

> what they say and the questions they ask me. I can't believe anyone would

> believe her phony BS, I mean, she isn't a good liar or actress at all.

>

> I'd love to hear similar stories and how you all survived the character

> assassination.

> XOXO, Girlscout

>

March 11, 2008

Girlscout Cowboy wrote:

>>Thank you, those are very helpful thoughts. What do you do when someone

asks

you about it? What do you say?<<

When they ask about...the distortions and lies? I get that, occasionally,

from random friends of hers at church. It used to frustrate me to no end...that

triangulation. I finally took some excellent advice about not spilling out my

side of the story to every random person. Sometimes I will say " Oh, is that

what she said? " or I will say " I can't control what she says, and I can't

control what you believe, but I can tell you that you don't know the whole story

and I would ask that you refrain from judgement based on that fact alone. "

Mostly I just say, now, " Thanks for your concern. This is a private family

matter. " Once in awhile, wI will just give them a really blank or confused look

and say " Why would you even say that to me? "

With people I know a little better...and who know me a little better, I will

say something along the lines of " Wow. Does that even sound to you like

something I'd do? " or " Does that fit with your experience of me? " They always

pause and answer, " well, no...it doesn't. " and I say, " Well, then, there's your

answer. " If I really have to, with someone really pushing the issue, I will say

" I'm not comfortable going into this right now, but I would ask you to consider

what kind of mother would want you to think so negatively about her own child. "

That usually stops them. And, I have to say...at least at church...other than

her very few friends, everyone else has watched this stuff play out and watched

as I just don't participate in the smear campaign...and they've all come to

realize how wrong she is and how dishonest she is. So they just smile and nod

and when she turns away they roll their eyes and hug me.

With family members, I still fight the urge to really really defend myself.

When it's an out and out lie, (like the drug rehab thing) I will give them the

facts and refrain from commenting on her behaviour. When they say " Why would

she say something like that, then " I tell them they need to ask her, since it's

not my responsibility to explain her behaviour.

Ninera.

---------------------------------

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March 11, 2008

this is a great post. all of my siblings have had at least one

relationship with a bpd/npd type. I fear for my youngest

brother...his wife is slightly 'off', something is just not right.

My sister's first husband beat her, and my other brother right now

is in a custody battle for his child with a npd/bpd type. I've been

with a couple of really dysfunctional types. I know one error I make

is I draw these folks in and don't let go, no matter what. No matter

how great the pain gets, I can take it, because in my child mind

it's the only love I'm going to get. It makes me so mad that not

only did a bpd mess up my childhood but my adult-hood has been a

wreck in many ways because of this too.

I am struggling with my weight right now too. I am trying to gear

myself to lose weight for health reasons. I remember being as close

to being 'perfect' physically as I will ever get, around age 30, and

being in this relationship with an abuser (though a very good-

looking one, we both 'looked great' on the outside) and being so

miserable and empty. And being shocked that being the perfect weight

and completely physically fit did not make me happy. At all. I was

at a conference, staying on the seventeenth floor for about four

days, and I took the stairs up to my room all but two or three

times. Sometimes I walked them just for exercise, sometimes two at a

time. Everyone there was going out to eat every night (and breakfast

too) and I couldn't because my diet was so restrictive. So that was

my 'I got what I always wanted and it really kind of sucks'

moment....I have to have a different motivation to lose weight this

time.

My dad has always been extremely critical of women's appearances. He

sees women as objects who are expected to present themselves as

attractively as possible; if they don't, they are deficient as a

person. I remember being excited about a friend I'd made in a new

school in a town we'd moved to and when we got our pictures back I

took one home and handed it to him, saying 'this is my friend

Becky!'. He studied the photo, said 'she's got a big nose' and

handed it back to me and walked away. I realized he was evaluating

her looks and 'rating her' instead of acting like an @#$% adult and

validating that his child was proud of her new friend. What a maroon

he was about so many things like that...and my sister and I of

course didn't measure up and were made to feel deficient. My sister

had gastric bypass and is finally a normal weight after struggling

her entire life, childhood included, with her weight (she was

overweight even as an infant, my mom thinks they overfed her but on

the upside she has perfect teeth and to this day has never had a

cavity). We were made to feel bad about our looks before we even

really had looks, honestly. My dad is so bitter about whatever

happened to him as a child that apparently destroying his children's

self-esteem was necessary to mitigate that. It's such a waste in so

many ways, and so absurd because my dad is such an intelligent,

gifted man...I don't know how things got so warped.

March 11, 2008

Thank you. This reminds me that when I went NC with my mom she thought that

losing weight would change things. She was always sending me letters, " I

lost 30 lbs, " or " I " m eating better " or " I went for a walk last night. "

I mean, she was a b*tch, so why do I care if she's a health b*tch or an

unhealthy b*tch. But for some reason, that was the main thing she had to say

to me. I never responded. Even 5 years later, she thinks I care about her

weight?.

>

> this is a great post. all of my siblings have had at least one

> relationship with a bpd/npd type. I fear for my youngest

> brother...his wife is slightly 'off', something is just not right.

> My sister's first husband beat her, and my other brother right now

> is in a custody battle for his child with a npd/bpd type. I've been

> with a couple of really dysfunctional types. I know one error I make

> is I draw these folks in and don't let go, no matter what. No matter

> how great the pain gets, I can take it, because in my child mind

> it's the only love I'm going to get. It makes me so mad that not

> only did a bpd mess up my childhood but my adult-hood has been a

> wreck in many ways because of this too.

>

> I am struggling with my weight right now too. I am trying to gear

> myself to lose weight for health reasons. I remember being as close

> to being 'perfect' physically as I will ever get, around age 30, and

> being in this relationship with an abuser (though a very good-

> looking one, we both 'looked great' on the outside) and being so

> miserable and empty. And being shocked that being the perfect weight

> and completely physically fit did not make me happy. At all. I was

> at a conference, staying on the seventeenth floor for about four

> days, and I took the stairs up to my room all but two or three

> times. Sometimes I walked them just for exercise, sometimes two at a

> time. Everyone there was going out to eat every night (and breakfast

> too) and I couldn't because my diet was so restrictive. So that was

> my 'I got what I always wanted and it really kind of sucks'

> moment....I have to have a different motivation to lose weight this

> time.

>

> My dad has always been extremely critical of women's appearances. He

> sees women as objects who are expected to present themselves as

> attractively as possible; if they don't, they are deficient as a

> person. I remember being excited about a friend I'd made in a new

> school in a town we'd moved to and when we got our pictures back I

> took one home and handed it to him, saying 'this is my friend

> Becky!'. He studied the photo, said 'she's got a big nose' and

> handed it back to me and walked away. I realized he was evaluating

> her looks and 'rating her' instead of acting like an @#$% adult and

> validating that his child was proud of her new friend. What a maroon

> he was about so many things like that...and my sister and I of

> course didn't measure up and were made to feel deficient. My sister

> had gastric bypass and is finally a normal weight after struggling

> her entire life, childhood included, with her weight (she was

> overweight even as an infant, my mom thinks they overfed her but on

> the upside she has perfect teeth and to this day has never had a

> cavity). We were made to feel bad about our looks before we even

> really had looks, honestly. My dad is so bitter about whatever

> happened to him as a child that apparently destroying his children's

> self-esteem was necessary to mitigate that. It's such a waste in so

> many ways, and so absurd because my dad is such an intelligent,

> gifted man...I don't know how things got so warped.

>

March 11, 2008

Sometimes I think we pay for generations of abuse either physical or mental..

But as to how we got so warped, little by little, step by step. And that is how

we get out as well. I found something on another website and thought it would be

good here.

Live: life to the fullest

Love: without reservations

Laugh: everyday " it keeps you young at heart "

Learn: from your mistakes

Leave: yesterday in the past

Cool.

Re: Character assasination

this is a great post. all of my siblings have had at least one

relationship with a bpd/npd type. I fear for my youngest

brother...his wife is slightly 'off', something is just not right.

My sister's first husband beat her, and my other brother right now

is in a custody battle for his child with a npd/bpd type.. I've been