Re: Nada & Fear of Dying

[Guest guest]

Oh my goodness, YES! My mother ONLY reads true crime books -- " murder

books " , she calls them. They're stacked high in her guest room

closet. She loves being that close to something that dangerous, I

guess. It probably makes her fears seem justified -- she's incredibly

fearful.

I stopped buying her current true crime books for birthdays, etc.

because invariably she'd say " Oh, I've read that one " .....

Now that my dad's retired, she refuses to travel with him. I

suggested they go on a cruise and she said " I hear they're throwing

people off those things -- I don't want to go on a cruise. "

So she stays in her dark little world. Afraid to step outside it.

World's too scary. I've often thought that was the message imparted

to her by her alcoholic mother: " life is too hard -- You can't fight

it -- you need some sort of substance to escape it instead of facing

it head-on. So just take a mind-altering substance and make it all go

away. "

-Kyla

>

> We all fear death, but my nada's fear is off the charts. For

instance,

> she focuses intensely upon anyone who is ill. She will obsessively

> list every detail of a medical catastrophe or illness. When I had

> minor surgery as a kid, she acted like I was dying. I really scared

me

> unnecessarily. She's getting old now and her behavior is getting

worse

> & worse. She is a terrible role model. Death is scary but I want to

be

> strong and accepting. Does anyone else have a morbidly fearful nada?

>

[Guest guest]

Oh...most definitely. My NADAs most infamous quote is, " Death can come

at any moment. " True...but for most of us, not in the very next moment

so we're not going to dwell on it.

This past summer my brother came to Michigan for the 1st time in about

five or six years. Mind you, he did not come to " our " side of the

state, but rather vacationed in South Haven. I took a long weekend to

spend some time with him as did my Nada and my father. Nada wasted no

time in updated him on the recent murders which had occurred in the

town in which we grew up. I tried to change the subject and she went

right back to it... " Yah, he cut her up into pieces and threw her in the

woods. " Nice mom...I'm sure the grandkids appreciated that one!

Then the next day, we all met at the beach. The first thing Nada said

was, " Did you see that crash in Michigan? [she was referring to an Indy

car race that had taken place at MIS the day before] I can't believe

nobody died! "

Ah well...too much!

JJFan

>

> We all fear death, but my nada's fear is off the charts. For instance,

> she focuses intensely upon anyone who is ill. She will obsessively

> list every detail of a medical catastrophe or illness. When I had

> minor surgery as a kid, she acted like I was dying. I really scared me

> unnecessarily. She's getting old now and her behavior is getting worse

> & worse. She is a terrible role model. Death is scary but I want to be

> strong and accepting. Does anyone else have a morbidly fearful nada?

>

[Guest guest]

my mother wasn't afraid of death itself but she used it to abuse me

in particular for some reason as far as my behavior with a brother

of mine, the one that is now 'back on the scene' after three years

of NC. No matter who was at fault, she would always jump in and say

things like 'how can you talk to him that way, what if there is a

war and he gets drafted and goes off to war and gets killed, then

how will you feel'. My brother knew he was getting preferential

treatment and getting away with murder, to this day he is very

arrogant; after three years I could barely stomach being around him

when he came to visit because he was so arrogant...it's bizarre.

Once when my mother was upset about this situation (his going NC)

and the conflict was going on about it I looked at her and said " you

know, you raised him like he could do no wrong, and I guess he

believed you. " I think she's still mad at me about that. Because her

mother died when she was a child, (which is really an awful thing to

have happen, my mother really did have a nightmarish childhood)

everything I did growing up, according to her, was bound to cause me

massive regret later on (what I mean is that I think she

internalized blame for her mother's death; alot of kids do that even

though she had nothing to do with her mother dying). She'd always

say, 'you won't feel this way when you get older, and then you'll

regret being this way'. I went through a period of kind of a blank

astonishment in my thirties that that sudden metamorphosis into who

I was told I was going to 'turn into someday' wasn't going to

happen, and that I was, actually, the same person I'd been as a

child, albeit with some growth and maturity. I really believe that I

could have acheived a lot more in my childhood and early adulthood

had I known that I was in fact, a real person with real emotions,

opinions, and preferences, that would consistent throughout my life;

I think that holding the false belief that one day I would wake up

completely unrecognizable to myself, having suddenly morphed into

the person she always said I'd become, really kept me from investing

in myself and my abilities since on a subconcious level I was afraid

I'd eventually end up being someone I didn't like very much. Just

having everything I believed and felt invalidated by her and being

told 'one day you'll regret this' or 'one day _________ will die and

you will regret saying/being/doing this' really hindered my

development.