Jump to content
RemedySpot.com
Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0
Guest guest

Re: Does it pay to tell them

By Guest guest, in Health, Medicine and Natural Healing 08

Rate this topic

Recommended Posts

Guest guest   

Guest guest
Posted

Hi Lily,

I feel so bad for you. I know what it's like to feel completely overwhelmed,

wanting to do the right thing and feeling like you're in quicksand - you just

keep sinking in deeper. What I got from your posting is that you are completely

enmeshed with the craziness of your mother and brother. This is similar to how

things used to be between me, my Mom and my sister. What I figured out was that

while I was always the one trying to do the right thing, play nice, not to cause

waves, and generally be a doormat - my sister was very good at playing the good

daughter and making it seem like dealing with my Mom was a piece of cake. It

sounds like your brother is doing the same thing to you. Here's my thought -

just because he seems to have found a way to have a decent relationship with

your Mom does not mean that you are the one with the problem. First of all - I

realized that my sister's relationship with my Mom was very much on the surface

and that they

played nice with eachother only when they could beat up on me. In my case, I

finally had to ditch my relationship with my sister because I was tired of

hearing " I don't know why you can't get along with Mom. " Don't let your brother

or your mother fool you - they're relationship is not so great.

As far as my relationship with my mother - I had major guilt any time I pulled

away. She is 85 years old with limited vision. I felt like a terrible person

when I distanced myself from her, but I had to do it. I went NC for a little

over a month, joined this group, and decided to go to little contact with her.

When I did see her, she still attacked me, but I really decided that she would

no longer get under my skin. I limited my visit and I'm happy to say it's

working for me. I haven't felt this calm in years. You have the added

dimension of being the mother of her grandson, so that makes your situation

harder, but I have to ask you - wouldn't you be a happier Mom to be around if

you didn't have contact with your Mom and brother?

Regarding the job situation - I think you have to completely remove them from

the equation. I'm betting that if you start to get some distance, you may

experience more success in your job search. I know your nerves must be shot and

you're probably questioning yourself to pieces. If your self-esteem is

suffering, it's probably complicating your job search. Also - in my experience

- my mom was jealous of me and anything I did at work, when I got a better job

etc. She filled me with so many doubts that it's a wonder I was able to get and

keep a job. I'm just saying there may be an element of jealousy with you too.

Hang in there. I know how it feels to have a crazy raging mother one day, and

then be able to go to an outing and have things seems like they're okay only to

have her turn around and bite you again. It's the cycle that many of us have

gone through our whole lives - so you're not alone in trying to stay on the

roller coaster without getting thrown off. I really feel for you because I can

feel the turmoil this is causing you. Try to give yourself a break and cut

yourself some slack.

Hugs to you, Lily.

Tag

Does it pay to tell them

I am currently struggling with telling my Mother and Brother how much

they have hurt me. I realize that none of that matters to them, but I

want them to understand why I will be cutting myself off from them. I

suspect they will both say good riddence, and that hurts even more.

Do I tell them or do I just walk away? After this weekend and the

last, I am at that point. Here is what happened:

I have been looking for a full time permanent job for the last six

years. So far all I have been able to get are some gigs as an

Indendent contractor and those were disasters. No support from my

family. I have asked my brother to keep a look out for job

opportunities where he works. He did reccommend me for one job, which

I got. I was there a month when he picked a fight with my manager and

made her so mad that to get back at him she fired me. I was there

when it happened and I watched it all unfold. I could do nothing to

stop it. My resentment towards my brother is very deep. It was a good

paying job, with benefits and I had a chance to do something I really

loved. But the rug was yanked out from under me. I have asked my

brother to put in a good word for me for other positions that are

open, but he does nothing.

Last weekend my family and my brother's family were at my mom's farm

and I mentioned to both my Mom and brother that another job had

fallen through. I was met with silence and my brother actually turned

his back on me. Needless to say I snapped and got mad about it. I

needed some support and got obvious rejection. The only one who

offered any kind of kindness was my sister-in-law and I thanked her

for actually saying she was sorry that I didn't get the job, but that

I should still keep trying. My brother has not spoken to me since

then and I get the feeling they are avoiding me and my son.

This weekend my Mother and I took my son to a nature preserve and the

day went very well. We spent the night at her house. Everything was

fine until she started talking to my brother over the phone the next

day. When she hung up the phone, she made it clear that she wasn't

going to tell me what they had been talking about. When I asked how

they were doing she said fine. The next thing I knew she had left the

house and ended up over at my brother's house without letting either

my son or me know what was going on. She was gone for 30 minutes.

When she got back, I told her that we were going to leave. She starts

in on me making me feel guilty about leaving.. I told her that I felt

that my brother was playing games and she flew off the handle. I also

told her that she didn't tell us that she would be gone. Instead of

saying that she was sorry to have worried us, she started yelling at

me that she just happened to meet up with my brother and wanted a

chance to squeeze the little one, my brother's daughter. How dare I

question where she was and she didn't have to tell me anything.

Further she stipulated that we were in her house and I had no right

to ask her about anything. Needless to say I am still upset about it.

She just called wanting to know how my son was doing, but she was

looking to have me apologize for what happened yesterday or to

pretend it didn't happen at all. Any normal person would ask why

someone was upset. To her it doesn't matter, I am being unreasonable.

Now I will get the silent treatment. But I am tired of being hurt and

feeling guilty about it. So I apologized and she started in on me

again, " I just don't know about you. Do I have to ask your permission

to do what I want to do? I'm a grown woman. What is wrong with you? "

I feel so alone and sad. I hate to deprive my son of his grandmother,

but I suspect that it does him damage to see her treat me this way.

He has even asked me why Grammaw likes him better than me. Has anyone

had to deal with this? How did you handle it? I am just making a mess

of things no matter what I do.

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your home page.

http://www.yahoo.com/r/hs

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Guest guest   

Guest guest
Posted

Thanks. I feel completely overwhelmed and your quicksand analogy is spot on.. I

don't doubt that my mother and brother have their issues, but they do have a

tendency to gang up on me and I am usually caught flat footed. Just like with

the reaction my brother gave me by turning his back on me when I told him the

job had fallen through. He knew what he was doing. He is a cold bastard and

always has been. My mother enables him. I am trying to disentangle my self from

this completely self-destructive situation. I want any relationship I choose to

have with either of them to be on my terms not theirs. I have thought about this

a great deal and it is hard to let it go. I have to realize that my brother has

no love for me and that my mother will always choose anyone else over me. I have

no doubt that my mother has love for me but it is a twisted thing and not

healthy. It is a hard, hard thing to acknowledge. But I can't get healthy until

I do and let them go.

Thanks for letting me vent and not being judgmental. I'm not used to that. My

stomach doesn't feel like a cold pit anymore. It is a comfort to know that there

are people who have been there, done that and who are worse off than I am and

have survived well. That gives me hope. I cannot change my family but I can work

on changing how I react to them.

Does it pay to tell them

I am currently struggling with telling my Mother and Brother how much

they have hurt me. I realize that none of that matters to them, but I

want them to understand why I will be cutting myself off from them. I

suspect they will both say good riddence, and that hurts even more.

Do I tell them or do I just walk away? After this weekend and the

last, I am at that point. Here is what happened:

I have been looking for a full time permanent job for the last six

years. So far all I have been able to get are some gigs as an

Indendent contractor and those were disasters. No support from my

family. I have asked my brother to keep a look out for job

opportunities where he works. He did reccommend me for one job, which

I got. I was there a month when he picked a fight with my manager and

made her so mad that to get back at him she fired me. I was there

when it happened and I watched it all unfold. I could do nothing to

stop it. My resentment towards my brother is very deep. It was a good

paying job, with benefits and I had a chance to do something I really

loved. But the rug was yanked out from under me. I have asked my

brother to put in a good word for me for other positions that are

open, but he does nothing.

Last weekend my family and my brother's family were at my mom's farm

and I mentioned to both my Mom and brother that another job had

fallen through. I was met with silence and my brother actually turned

his back on me. Needless to say I snapped and got mad about it. I

needed some support and got obvious rejection. The only one who

offered any kind of kindness was my sister-in-law and I thanked her

for actually saying she was sorry that I didn't get the job, but that

I should still keep trying. My brother has not spoken to me since

then and I get the feeling they are avoiding me and my son.

This weekend my Mother and I took my son to a nature preserve and the

day went very well. We spent the night at her house. Everything was

fine until she started talking to my brother over the phone the next

day. When she hung up the phone, she made it clear that she wasn't

going to tell me what they had been talking about. When I asked how

they were doing she said fine. The next thing I knew she had left the

house and ended up over at my brother's house without letting either

my son or me know what was going on. She was gone for 30 minutes.

When she got back, I told her that we were going to leave. She starts

in on me making me feel guilty about leaving.. I told her that I felt

that my brother was playing games and she flew off the handle. I also

told her that she didn't tell us that she would be gone. Instead of

saying that she was sorry to have worried us, she started yelling at

me that she just happened to meet up with my brother and wanted a

chance to squeeze the little one, my brother's daughter. How dare I

question where she was and she didn't have to tell me anything.

Further she stipulated that we were in her house and I had no right

to ask her about anything. Needless to say I am still upset about it.

She just called wanting to know how my son was doing, but she was

looking to have me apologize for what happened yesterday or to

pretend it didn't happen at all. Any normal person would ask why

someone was upset. To her it doesn't matter, I am being unreasonable.

Now I will get the silent treatment. But I am tired of being hurt and

feeling guilty about it. So I apologized and she started in on me

again, " I just don't know about you. Do I have to ask your permission

to do what I want to do? I'm a grown woman. What is wrong with you? "

I feel so alone and sad. I hate to deprive my son of his grandmother,

but I suspect that it does him damage to see her treat me this way.

He has even asked me why Grammaw likes him better than me. Has anyone

had to deal with this? How did you handle it? I am just making a mess

of things no matter what I do.

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your home page.

http://www.yahoo.com/r/hs

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Guest guest   

Guest guest
Posted

does it pay? i say no. there are two possible responses my mom

gives: total obliviousness of any wrongdoing ( " It was my

prerogative. " ) or this mess:

DEFENSIVE ( " I did the best I could! " )

CRYING ( " You're right! You're always right! I'm a horrible mother!! " )

(fake) SUICIDE ATTEMPT ( " I just wanted to die today! I was walking in

front of cars hoping one would run me over. Why don't i just swallow

all my pills. Life would be easier for you if you didn't have to deal

with your horrible, crazy mother...etc " ).

ugh. note that those aren't three separate possibilities...all three

occur and in that order. so...does it pay? not when talking to her

about the things that bother me causes the behavior that bothers me to

occur.

bink

>

> I am currently struggling with telling my Mother and Brother how much

> they have hurt me. I realize that none of that matters to them, but I

> want them to understand why I will be cutting myself off from them. I

> suspect they will both say good riddence, and that hurts even more.

> Do I tell them or do I just walk away? After this weekend and the

> last, I am at that point. Here is what happened:

>

> I have been looking for a full time permanent job for the last six

> years. So far all I have been able to get are some gigs as an

> Indendent contractor and those were disasters. No support from my

> family. I have asked my brother to keep a look out for job

> opportunities where he works. He did reccommend me for one job, which

> I got. I was there a month when he picked a fight with my manager and

> made her so mad that to get back at him she fired me. I was there

> when it happened and I watched it all unfold. I could do nothing to

> stop it. My resentment towards my brother is very deep. It was a good

> paying job, with benefits and I had a chance to do something I really

> loved. But the rug was yanked out from under me. I have asked my

> brother to put in a good word for me for other positions that are

> open, but he does nothing.

>

> Last weekend my family and my brother's family were at my mom's farm

> and I mentioned to both my Mom and brother that another job had

> fallen through. I was met with silence and my brother actually turned

> his back on me. Needless to say I snapped and got mad about it. I

> needed some support and got obvious rejection. The only one who

> offered any kind of kindness was my sister-in-law and I thanked her

> for actually saying she was sorry that I didn't get the job, but that

> I should still keep trying. My brother has not spoken to me since

> then and I get the feeling they are avoiding me and my son.

>

> This weekend my Mother and I took my son to a nature preserve and the

> day went very well. We spent the night at her house. Everything was

> fine until she started talking to my brother over the phone the next

> day. When she hung up the phone, she made it clear that she wasn't

> going to tell me what they had been talking about. When I asked how

> they were doing she said fine. The next thing I knew she had left the

> house and ended up over at my brother's house without letting either

> my son or me know what was going on. She was gone for 30 minutes.

> When she got back, I told her that we were going to leave. She starts

> in on me making me feel guilty about leaving. I told her that I felt

> that my brother was playing games and she flew off the handle. I also

> told her that she didn't tell us that she would be gone. Instead of

> saying that she was sorry to have worried us, she started yelling at

> me that she just happened to meet up with my brother and wanted a

> chance to squeeze the little one, my brother's daughter. How dare I

> question where she was and she didn't have to tell me anything.

> Further she stipulated that we were in her house and I had no right

> to ask her about anything. Needless to say I am still upset about it.

>

> She just called wanting to know how my son was doing, but she was

> looking to have me apologize for what happened yesterday or to

> pretend it didn't happen at all. Any normal person would ask why

> someone was upset. To her it doesn't matter, I am being unreasonable.

> Now I will get the silent treatment. But I am tired of being hurt and

> feeling guilty about it. So I apologized and she started in on me

> again, " I just don't know about you. Do I have to ask your permission

> to do what I want to do? I'm a grown woman. What is wrong with you? "

>

> I feel so alone and sad. I hate to deprive my son of his grandmother,

> but I suspect that it does him damage to see her treat me this way.

> He has even asked me why Grammaw likes him better than me. Has anyone

> had to deal with this? How did you handle it? I am just making a mess

> of things no matter what I do.

>

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Guest guest   

Guest guest
Posted

Yup, it's a waste of time. I did write my nada/fada a letter and I

sent it. It wasn't mean. It was my truth. My fada intercepted it, so

my nada never read it. I later heard from my sister that my fada

said, " You should never put anything like that in writing. " He also

said that I must be going through menopause.

My fada's favorite line is, " The whole world beats up on your nada. "

Yet when I was around 7-years-old the two of them put me outside in

my PJs on a cold winter night and locked the door. For them, it

didn't happen. We were bad kids and they were forced to " cool our

heals " . It was for our own good. All their abuse was supposedly for

our own good. My nada/fada will ALWAYS be the innocent victims of a

mean world. They will NEVER accept the contents of my letter. They

cling to their point of view. They have rewritten history and that is

their truth. My truth will never matter to them. Now I write letters

but I don't send them. I am validating myself. I don't care if they

ever speak to me again I don't care what they think. I'm extremely

tolerant. I'm very forgiving. But I'm through taking their crap.

Since my NC my nada/fada found themselves a replacement son. I was

supposed to be a boy. Now they have the son they always wanted. I say

go and be happy.

> >

> > I am currently struggling with telling my Mother and Brother how

much

> > they have hurt me. I realize that none of that matters to them,

but I

> > want them to understand why I will be cutting myself off from

them. I

> > suspect they will both say good riddence, and that hurts even

more.

> > Do I tell them or do I just walk away? After this weekend and the

> > last, I am at that point. Here is what happened:

> >

> > I have been looking for a full time permanent job for the last

six

> > years. So far all I have been able to get are some gigs as an

> > Indendent contractor and those were disasters. No support from my

> > family. I have asked my brother to keep a look out for job

> > opportunities where he works. He did reccommend me for one job,

which

> > I got. I was there a month when he picked a fight with my manager

and

> > made her so mad that to get back at him she fired me. I was there

> > when it happened and I watched it all unfold. I could do nothing

to

> > stop it. My resentment towards my brother is very deep. It was a

good

> > paying job, with benefits and I had a chance to do something I

really

> > loved. But the rug was yanked out from under me. I have asked my

> > brother to put in a good word for me for other positions that are

> > open, but he does nothing.

> >

> > Last weekend my family and my brother's family were at my mom's

farm

> > and I mentioned to both my Mom and brother that another job had

> > fallen through. I was met with silence and my brother actually

turned

> > his back on me. Needless to say I snapped and got mad about it. I

> > needed some support and got obvious rejection. The only one who

> > offered any kind of kindness was my sister-in-law and I thanked

her

> > for actually saying she was sorry that I didn't get the job, but

that

> > I should still keep trying. My brother has not spoken to me since

> > then and I get the feeling they are avoiding me and my son.

> >

> > This weekend my Mother and I took my son to a nature preserve and

the

> > day went very well. We spent the night at her house. Everything

was

> > fine until she started talking to my brother over the phone the

next

> > day. When she hung up the phone, she made it clear that she

wasn't

> > going to tell me what they had been talking about. When I asked

how

> > they were doing she said fine. The next thing I knew she had left

the

> > house and ended up over at my brother's house without letting

either

> > my son or me know what was going on. She was gone for 30 minutes.

> > When she got back, I told her that we were going to leave. She

starts

> > in on me making me feel guilty about leaving. I told her that I

felt

> > that my brother was playing games and she flew off the handle. I

also

> > told her that she didn't tell us that she would be gone. Instead

of

> > saying that she was sorry to have worried us, she started yelling

at

> > me that she just happened to meet up with my brother and wanted a

> > chance to squeeze the little one, my brother's daughter. How dare

I

> > question where she was and she didn't have to tell me anything.

> > Further she stipulated that we were in her house and I had no

right

> > to ask her about anything. Needless to say I am still upset about

it.

> >

> > She just called wanting to know how my son was doing, but she was

> > looking to have me apologize for what happened yesterday or to

> > pretend it didn't happen at all. Any normal person would ask why

> > someone was upset. To her it doesn't matter, I am being

unreasonable.

> > Now I will get the silent treatment. But I am tired of being hurt

and

> > feeling guilty about it. So I apologized and she started in on me

> > again, " I just don't know about you. Do I have to ask your

permission

> > to do what I want to do? I'm a grown woman. What is wrong with

you? "

> >

> > I feel so alone and sad. I hate to deprive my son of his

grandmother,

> > but I suspect that it does him damage to see her treat me this

way.

> > He has even asked me why Grammaw likes him better than me. Has

anyone

> > had to deal with this? How did you handle it? I am just making a

mess

> > of things no matter what I do.

> >

>

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Guest guest   

Guest guest
Posted

good for you for deciding to cut off contact. although i dont have

kids, so i cant fully understand what youre going through, i think

its a good idea to keep your son away from that kind of behavior. i

know that when i have children someday they will never be allowed to

see my nada (unless by some miracle she gets real help by then),

because i do not want them exposed to ANY of the things i was exposed

to. even if it is not very often, being exposed to certain behaviors

and events can cause distress for children.

>

> I am currently struggling with telling my Mother and Brother how

much

> they have hurt me. I realize that none of that matters to them, but

I

> want them to understand why I will be cutting myself off from them.

I

> suspect they will both say good riddence, and that hurts even more.

> Do I tell them or do I just walk away? After this weekend and the

> last, I am at that point. Here is what happened:

>

> I have been looking for a full time permanent job for the last six

> years. So far all I have been able to get are some gigs as an

> Indendent contractor and those were disasters. No support from my

> family. I have asked my brother to keep a look out for job

> opportunities where he works. He did reccommend me for one job,

which

> I got. I was there a month when he picked a fight with my manager

and

> made her so mad that to get back at him she fired me. I was there

> when it happened and I watched it all unfold. I could do nothing to

> stop it. My resentment towards my brother is very deep. It was a

good

> paying job, with benefits and I had a chance to do something I

really

> loved. But the rug was yanked out from under me. I have asked my

> brother to put in a good word for me for other positions that are

> open, but he does nothing.

>

> Last weekend my family and my brother's family were at my mom's

farm

> and I mentioned to both my Mom and brother that another job had

> fallen through. I was met with silence and my brother actually

turned

> his back on me. Needless to say I snapped and got mad about it. I

> needed some support and got obvious rejection. The only one who

> offered any kind of kindness was my sister-in-law and I thanked her

> for actually saying she was sorry that I didn't get the job, but

that

> I should still keep trying. My brother has not spoken to me since

> then and I get the feeling they are avoiding me and my son.

>

> This weekend my Mother and I took my son to a nature preserve and

the

> day went very well. We spent the night at her house. Everything was

> fine until she started talking to my brother over the phone the

next

> day. When she hung up the phone, she made it clear that she wasn't

> going to tell me what they had been talking about. When I asked how

> they were doing she said fine. The next thing I knew she had left

the

> house and ended up over at my brother's house without letting

either

> my son or me know what was going on. She was gone for 30 minutes.

> When she got back, I told her that we were going to leave. She

starts

> in on me making me feel guilty about leaving. I told her that I

felt

> that my brother was playing games and she flew off the handle. I

also

> told her that she didn't tell us that she would be gone. Instead of

> saying that she was sorry to have worried us, she started yelling

at

> me that she just happened to meet up with my brother and wanted a

> chance to squeeze the little one, my brother's daughter. How dare I

> question where she was and she didn't have to tell me anything.

> Further she stipulated that we were in her house and I had no right

> to ask her about anything. Needless to say I am still upset about

it.

>

> She just called wanting to know how my son was doing, but she was

> looking to have me apologize for what happened yesterday or to

> pretend it didn't happen at all. Any normal person would ask why

> someone was upset. To her it doesn't matter, I am being

unreasonable.

> Now I will get the silent treatment. But I am tired of being hurt

and

> feeling guilty about it. So I apologized and she started in on me

> again, " I just don't know about you. Do I have to ask your

permission

> to do what I want to do? I'm a grown woman. What is wrong with you? "

>

> I feel so alone and sad. I hate to deprive my son of his

grandmother,

> but I suspect that it does him damage to see her treat me this way.

> He has even asked me why Grammaw likes him better than me. Has

anyone

> had to deal with this? How did you handle it? I am just making a

mess

> of things no matter what I do.

>

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Guest guest   

Guest guest
Posted

it's strange that not only the behavior, but the vocabulary is

soooooo similar as well...it's amazing all our moms have never met...

> >

> > I am currently struggling with telling my Mother and Brother how

much

> > they have hurt me. I realize that none of that matters to them,

but I

> > want them to understand why I will be cutting myself off from

them. I

> > suspect they will both say good riddence, and that hurts even

more.

> > Do I tell them or do I just walk away? After this weekend and the

> > last, I am at that point. Here is what happened:

> >

> > I have been looking for a full time permanent job for the last

six

> > years. So far all I have been able to get are some gigs as an

> > Indendent contractor and those were disasters. No support from my

> > family. I have asked my brother to keep a look out for job

> > opportunities where he works. He did reccommend me for one job,

which

> > I got. I was there a month when he picked a fight with my manager

and

> > made her so mad that to get back at him she fired me. I was there

> > when it happened and I watched it all unfold. I could do nothing

to

> > stop it. My resentment towards my brother is very deep. It was a

good

> > paying job, with benefits and I had a chance to do something I

really

> > loved. But the rug was yanked out from under me. I have asked my

> > brother to put in a good word for me for other positions that are

> > open, but he does nothing.

> >

> > Last weekend my family and my brother's family were at my mom's

farm

> > and I mentioned to both my Mom and brother that another job had

> > fallen through. I was met with silence and my brother actually

turned

> > his back on me. Needless to say I snapped and got mad about it. I

> > needed some support and got obvious rejection. The only one who

> > offered any kind of kindness was my sister-in-law and I thanked

her

> > for actually saying she was sorry that I didn't get the job, but

that

> > I should still keep trying. My brother has not spoken to me since

> > then and I get the feeling they are avoiding me and my son.

> >

> > This weekend my Mother and I took my son to a nature preserve and

the

> > day went very well. We spent the night at her house. Everything

was

> > fine until she started talking to my brother over the phone the

next

> > day. When she hung up the phone, she made it clear that she

wasn't

> > going to tell me what they had been talking about. When I asked

how

> > they were doing she said fine. The next thing I knew she had left

the

> > house and ended up over at my brother's house without letting

either

> > my son or me know what was going on. She was gone for 30 minutes.

> > When she got back, I told her that we were going to leave. She

starts

> > in on me making me feel guilty about leaving. I told her that I

felt

> > that my brother was playing games and she flew off the handle. I

also

> > told her that she didn't tell us that she would be gone. Instead

of

> > saying that she was sorry to have worried us, she started yelling

at

> > me that she just happened to meet up with my brother and wanted a

> > chance to squeeze the little one, my brother's daughter. How dare

I

> > question where she was and she didn't have to tell me anything.

> > Further she stipulated that we were in her house and I had no

right

> > to ask her about anything. Needless to say I am still upset about

it.

> >

> > She just called wanting to know how my son was doing, but she was

> > looking to have me apologize for what happened yesterday or to

> > pretend it didn't happen at all. Any normal person would ask why

> > someone was upset. To her it doesn't matter, I am being

unreasonable.

> > Now I will get the silent treatment. But I am tired of being hurt

and

> > feeling guilty about it. So I apologized and she started in on me

> > again, " I just don't know about you. Do I have to ask your

permission

> > to do what I want to do? I'm a grown woman. What is wrong with

you? "

> >

> > I feel so alone and sad. I hate to deprive my son of his

grandmother,

> > but I suspect that it does him damage to see her treat me this

way.

> > He has even asked me why Grammaw likes him better than me. Has

anyone

> > had to deal with this? How did you handle it? I am just making a

mess

> > of things no matter what I do.

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

______________________________________________________________________

______________

> Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your home page.

> http://www.yahoo.com/r/hs

>

>

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Guest guest   

Guest guest
Posted

it's strange that not only the behavior, but the vocabulary is

soooooo similar as well...it's amazing all our moms have never met...

> >

> > I am currently struggling with telling my Mother and Brother how

much

> > they have hurt me. I realize that none of that matters to them,

but I

> > want them to understand why I will be cutting myself off from

them. I

> > suspect they will both say good riddence, and that hurts even

more.

> > Do I tell them or do I just walk away? After this weekend and the

> > last, I am at that point. Here is what happened:

> >

> > I have been looking for a full time permanent job for the last

six

> > years. So far all I have been able to get are some gigs as an

> > Indendent contractor and those were disasters. No support from my

> > family. I have asked my brother to keep a look out for job

> > opportunities where he works. He did reccommend me for one job,

which

> > I got. I was there a month when he picked a fight with my manager

and

> > made her so mad that to get back at him she fired me. I was there

> > when it happened and I watched it all unfold. I could do nothing

to

> > stop it. My resentment towards my brother is very deep. It was a

good

> > paying job, with benefits and I had a chance to do something I

really

> > loved. But the rug was yanked out from under me. I have asked my

> > brother to put in a good word for me for other positions that are

> > open, but he does nothing.

> >

> > Last weekend my family and my brother's family were at my mom's

farm

> > and I mentioned to both my Mom and brother that another job had

> > fallen through. I was met with silence and my brother actually

turned

> > his back on me. Needless to say I snapped and got mad about it. I

> > needed some support and got obvious rejection. The only one who

> > offered any kind of kindness was my sister-in-law and I thanked

her

> > for actually saying she was sorry that I didn't get the job, but

that

> > I should still keep trying. My brother has not spoken to me since

> > then and I get the feeling they are avoiding me and my son.

> >

> > This weekend my Mother and I took my son to a nature preserve and

the

> > day went very well. We spent the night at her house. Everything

was

> > fine until she started talking to my brother over the phone the

next

> > day. When she hung up the phone, she made it clear that she

wasn't

> > going to tell me what they had been talking about. When I asked

how

> > they were doing she said fine. The next thing I knew she had left

the

> > house and ended up over at my brother's house without letting

either

> > my son or me know what was going on. She was gone for 30 minutes.

> > When she got back, I told her that we were going to leave. She

starts

> > in on me making me feel guilty about leaving. I told her that I

felt

> > that my brother was playing games and she flew off the handle. I

also

> > told her that she didn't tell us that she would be gone. Instead

of

> > saying that she was sorry to have worried us, she started yelling

at

> > me that she just happened to meet up with my brother and wanted a

> > chance to squeeze the little one, my brother's daughter. How dare

I

> > question where she was and she didn't have to tell me anything.

> > Further she stipulated that we were in her house and I had no

right

> > to ask her about anything. Needless to say I am still upset about

it.

> >

> > She just called wanting to know how my son was doing, but she was

> > looking to have me apologize for what happened yesterday or to

> > pretend it didn't happen at all. Any normal person would ask why

> > someone was upset. To her it doesn't matter, I am being

unreasonable.

> > Now I will get the silent treatment. But I am tired of being hurt

and

> > feeling guilty about it. So I apologized and she started in on me

> > again, " I just don't know about you. Do I have to ask your

permission

> > to do what I want to do? I'm a grown woman. What is wrong with

you? "

> >

> > I feel so alone and sad. I hate to deprive my son of his

grandmother,

> > but I suspect that it does him damage to see her treat me this

way.

> > He has even asked me why Grammaw likes him better than me. Has

anyone

> > had to deal with this? How did you handle it? I am just making a

mess

> > of things no matter what I do.

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

______________________________________________________________________

______________

> Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your home page.

> http://www.yahoo.com/r/hs

>

>

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Guest guest   

Guest guest
Posted

I hear you.

Re: Does it pay to tell them

does it pay? i say no. there are two possible responses my mom

gives: total obliviousness of any wrongdoing ( " It was my

prerogative. " ) or this mess:

DEFENSIVE ( " I did the best I could! " )

CRYING ( " You're right! You're always right! I'm a horrible mother!! " )

(fake) SUICIDE ATTEMPT ( " I just wanted to die today! I was walking in

front of cars hoping one would run me over. Why don't i just swallow

all my pills.. Life would be easier for you if you didn't have to deal

with your horrible, crazy mother...etc " ).

ugh. note that those aren't three separate possibilities. ..all three

occur and in that order. so...does it pay? not when talking to her

about the things that bother me causes the behavior that bothers me to

occur.

bink

>

> I am currently struggling with telling my Mother and Brother how much

> they have hurt me. I realize that none of that matters to them, but I

> want them to understand why I will be cutting myself off from them. I

> suspect they will both say good riddence, and that hurts even more.

> Do I tell them or do I just walk away? After this weekend and the

> last, I am at that point. Here is what happened:

>

> I have been looking for a full time permanent job for the last six

> years. So far all I have been able to get are some gigs as an

> Indendent contractor and those were disasters. No support from my

> family. I have asked my brother to keep a look out for job

> opportunities where he works. He did reccommend me for one job, which

> I got. I was there a month when he picked a fight with my manager and

> made her so mad that to get back at him she fired me. I was there

> when it happened and I watched it all unfold. I could do nothing to

> stop it. My resentment towards my brother is very deep. It was a good

> paying job, with benefits and I had a chance to do something I really

> loved. But the rug was yanked out from under me. I have asked my

> brother to put in a good word for me for other positions that are

> open, but he does nothing.

>

> Last weekend my family and my brother's family were at my mom's farm

> and I mentioned to both my Mom and brother that another job had

> fallen through. I was met with silence and my brother actually turned

> his back on me. Needless to say I snapped and got mad about it. I

> needed some support and got obvious rejection. The only one who

> offered any kind of kindness was my sister-in-law and I thanked her

> for actually saying she was sorry that I didn't get the job, but that

> I should still keep trying. My brother has not spoken to me since

> then and I get the feeling they are avoiding me and my son.

>

> This weekend my Mother and I took my son to a nature preserve and the

> day went very well. We spent the night at her house. Everything was

> fine until she started talking to my brother over the phone the next

> day. When she hung up the phone, she made it clear that she wasn't

> going to tell me what they had been talking about. When I asked how

> they were doing she said fine. The next thing I knew she had left the

> house and ended up over at my brother's house without letting either

> my son or me know what was going on. She was gone for 30 minutes.

> When she got back, I told her that we were going to leave. She starts

> in on me making me feel guilty about leaving. I told her that I felt

> that my brother was playing games and she flew off the handle. I also

> told her that she didn't tell us that she would be gone. Instead of

> saying that she was sorry to have worried us, she started yelling at

> me that she just happened to meet up with my brother and wanted a

> chance to squeeze the little one, my brother's daughter. How dare I

> question where she was and she didn't have to tell me anything.

> Further she stipulated that we were in her house and I had no right

> to ask her about anything. Needless to say I am still upset about it.

>

> She just called wanting to know how my son was doing, but she was

> looking to have me apologize for what happened yesterday or to

> pretend it didn't happen at all. Any normal person would ask why

> someone was upset. To her it doesn't matter, I am being unreasonable.

> Now I will get the silent treatment. But I am tired of being hurt and

> feeling guilty about it. So I apologized and she started in on me

> again, " I just don't know about you. Do I have to ask your permission

> to do what I want to do? I'm a grown woman. What is wrong with you? "

>

> I feel so alone and sad. I hate to deprive my son of his grandmother,

> but I suspect that it does him damage to see her treat me this way.

> He has even asked me why Grammaw likes him better than me. Has anyone

> had to deal with this? How did you handle it? I am just making a mess

> of things no matter what I do.

>

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your home page.

http://www.yahoo.com/r/hs

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Guest guest   

Guest guest
Posted

Thanks for the suggestion. You are the second person to suggest that I write a

letter and not send it. I think it is a very good idea. What they did to you is

horrid. I am glad you are in a place where what they do doesn't matter any more.

Hopefully I can get to that point as well.

Re: Does it pay to tell them

Yup, it's a waste of time. I did write my nada/fada a letter and I

sent it. It wasn't mean. It was my truth. My fada intercepted it, so

my nada never read it. I later heard from my sister that my fada

said, " You should never put anything like that in writing. " He also

said that I must be going through menopause.

My fada's favorite line is, " The whole world beats up on your nada. "

Yet when I was around 7-years-old the two of them put me outside in

my PJs on a cold winter night and locked the door. For them, it

didn't happen. We were bad kids and they were forced to " cool our

heals " . It was for our own good. All their abuse was supposedly for

our own good. My nada/fada will ALWAYS be the innocent victims of a

mean world. They will NEVER accept the contents of my letter. They

cling to their point of view. They have rewritten history and that is

their truth. My truth will never matter to them. Now I write letters

but I don't send them.. I am validating myself. I don't care if they

ever speak to me again I don't care what they think. I'm extremely

tolerant. I'm very forgiving. But I'm through taking their crap.

Since my NC my nada/fada found themselves a replacement son. I was

supposed to be a boy. Now they have the son they always wanted. I say

go and be happy.

> >

> > I am currently struggling with telling my Mother and Brother how

much

> > they have hurt me. I realize that none of that matters to them,

but I

> > want them to understand why I will be cutting myself off from

them. I

> > suspect they will both say good riddence, and that hurts even

more.

> > Do I tell them or do I just walk away? After this weekend and the

> > last, I am at that point. Here is what happened:

> >

> > I have been looking for a full time permanent job for the last

six

> > years. So far all I have been able to get are some gigs as an

> > Indendent contractor and those were disasters. No support from my

> > family. I have asked my brother to keep a look out for job

> > opportunities where he works. He did reccommend me for one job,

which

> > I got. I was there a month when he picked a fight with my manager

and

> > made her so mad that to get back at him she fired me. I was there

> > when it happened and I watched it all unfold. I could do nothing

to

> > stop it. My resentment towards my brother is very deep. It was a

good

> > paying job, with benefits and I had a chance to do something I

really

> > loved. But the rug was yanked out from under me. I have asked my

> > brother to put in a good word for me for other positions that are

> > open, but he does nothing.

> >

> > Last weekend my family and my brother's family were at my mom's

farm

> > and I mentioned to both my Mom and brother that another job had

> > fallen through. I was met with silence and my brother actually

turned

> > his back on me. Needless to say I snapped and got mad about it. I

> > needed some support and got obvious rejection. The only one who

> > offered any kind of kindness was my sister-in-law and I thanked

her

> > for actually saying she was sorry that I didn't get the job, but

that

> > I should still keep trying. My brother has not spoken to me since

> > then and I get the feeling they are avoiding me and my son.

> >

> > This weekend my Mother and I took my son to a nature preserve and

the

> > day went very well. We spent the night at her house. Everything

was

> > fine until she started talking to my brother over the phone the

next

> > day. When she hung up the phone, she made it clear that she

wasn't

> > going to tell me what they had been talking about. When I asked

how

> > they were doing she said fine. The next thing I knew she had left

the

> > house and ended up over at my brother's house without letting

either

> > my son or me know what was going on. She was gone for 30 minutes.

> > When she got back, I told her that we were going to leave. She

starts

> > in on me making me feel guilty about leaving. I told her that I

felt

> > that my brother was playing games and she flew off the handle. I

also

> > told her that she didn't tell us that she would be gone. Instead

of

> > saying that she was sorry to have worried us, she started yelling

at

> > me that she just happened to meet up with my brother and wanted a

> > chance to squeeze the little one, my brother's daughter. How dare

I

> > question where she was and she didn't have to tell me anything.

> > Further she stipulated that we were in her house and I had no

right

> > to ask her about anything. Needless to say I am still upset about

it.

> >

> > She just called wanting to know how my son was doing, but she was

> > looking to have me apologize for what happened yesterday or to

> > pretend it didn't happen at all. Any normal person would ask why

> > someone was upset. To her it doesn't matter, I am being

unreasonable.

> > Now I will get the silent treatment. But I am tired of being hurt

and

> > feeling guilty about it. So I apologized and she started in on me

> > again, " I just don't know about you. Do I have to ask your

permission

> > to do what I want to do? I'm a grown woman. What is wrong with

you? "

> >

> > I feel so alone and sad. I hate to deprive my son of his

grandmother,

> > but I suspect that it does him damage to see her treat me this

way.

> > He has even asked me why Grammaw likes him better than me. Has

anyone

> > had to deal with this? How did you handle it? I am just making a

mess

> > of things no matter what I do.

> >

>

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

Be a better friend, newshound, and

know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.

http://mobile.yahoo.com/;_ylt=Ahu06i62sR8HDtDypao8Wcj9tAcJ

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Guest guest   

Guest guest
Posted

That is my delimma. My son is noticing what is going on and it doesn't help that

after our visits to Gram's house, his mother is upstairs curled up in a ball

crying her eyes out. I tell him sometimes that I can't be strong all of the

time, but that none of it is his fault. I go to visit my family with the hopes

that everything will be good and every time one of us ends up getting yelled at.

I can take it but it tears me up to see him harped on all of the time. He is

crazy about his little cousin and my family is forever telling him to be careful

you will hurt her. He tries so hard to be good, but if he bumps her or makes her

cry my brother and sister-in-law are all over him. One time I very angry at him

because he did knock her down, but it was an accident and low and behold my

brother was the picture of calm. I continually feel as though I am being set up.

I am just not willing to play that game any more.

Re: Does it pay to tell them

good for you for deciding to cut off contact. although i dont have

kids, so i cant fully understand what youre going through, i think

its a good idea to keep your son away from that kind of behavior. i

know that when i have children someday they will never be allowed to

see my nada (unless by some miracle she gets real help by then),

because i do not want them exposed to ANY of the things i was exposed

to. even if it is not very often, being exposed to certain behaviors

and events can cause distress for children.

>

> I am currently struggling with telling my Mother and Brother how

much

> they have hurt me. I realize that none of that matters to them, but

I

> want them to understand why I will be cutting myself off from them.

I

> suspect they will both say good riddence, and that hurts even more.

> Do I tell them or do I just walk away? After this weekend and the

> last, I am at that point. Here is what happened:

>

> I have been looking for a full time permanent job for the last six

> years. So far all I have been able to get are some gigs as an

> Indendent contractor and those were disasters. No support from my

> family. I have asked my brother to keep a look out for job

> opportunities where he works. He did reccommend me for one job,

which

> I got. I was there a month when he picked a fight with my manager

and

> made her so mad that to get back at him she fired me. I was there

> when it happened and I watched it all unfold. I could do nothing to

> stop it. My resentment towards my brother is very deep. It was a

good

> paying job, with benefits and I had a chance to do something I

really

> loved. But the rug was yanked out from under me. I have asked my

> brother to put in a good word for me for other positions that are

> open, but he does nothing.

>

> Last weekend my family and my brother's family were at my mom's

farm

> and I mentioned to both my Mom and brother that another job had

> fallen through. I was met with silence and my brother actually

turned

> his back on me. Needless to say I snapped and got mad about it. I

> needed some support and got obvious rejection. The only one who

> offered any kind of kindness was my sister-in-law and I thanked her

> for actually saying she was sorry that I didn't get the job, but

that

> I should still keep trying. My brother has not spoken to me since

> then and I get the feeling they are avoiding me and my son.

>

> This weekend my Mother and I took my son to a nature preserve and

the

> day went very well. We spent the night at her house. Everything was

> fine until she started talking to my brother over the phone the

next

> day. When she hung up the phone, she made it clear that she wasn't

> going to tell me what they had been talking about. When I asked how

> they were doing she said fine. The next thing I knew she had left

the

> house and ended up over at my brother's house without letting

either

> my son or me know what was going on. She was gone for 30 minutes.

> When she got back, I told her that we were going to leave. She

starts

> in on me making me feel guilty about leaving. I told her that I

felt

> that my brother was playing games and she flew off the handle. I

also

> told her that she didn't tell us that she would be gone. Instead of

> saying that she was sorry to have worried us, she started yelling

at

> me that she just happened to meet up with my brother and wanted a

> chance to squeeze the little one, my brother's daughter. How dare I

> question where she was and she didn't have to tell me anything.

> Further she stipulated that we were in her house and I had no right

> to ask her about anything. Needless to say I am still upset about

it.

>

> She just called wanting to know how my son was doing, but she was

> looking to have me apologize for what happened yesterday or to

> pretend it didn't happen at all. Any normal person would ask why

> someone was upset. To her it doesn't matter, I am being

unreasonable.

> Now I will get the silent treatment. But I am tired of being hurt

and

> feeling guilty about it. So I apologized and she started in on me

> again, " I just don't know about you. Do I have to ask your

permission

> to do what I want to do? I'm a grown woman. What is wrong with you? "

>

> I feel so alone and sad. I hate to deprive my son of his

grandmother,

> but I suspect that it does him damage to see her treat me this way.

> He has even asked me why Grammaw likes him better than me. Has

anyone

> had to deal with this? How did you handle it? I am just making a

mess

> of things no matter what I do.

>

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your home page..

http://www.yahoo.com/r/hs

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Guest guest   

Guest guest
Posted

If the situation is so abusive that one of you always ends up

getting yelled at, and mom is curled up in a ball crying her eyes

out, it's time to role model to your son how to handle these

situations in life.

My therapist taught me that we can be honest with our kids (in age

appropriate language) that we're going to deal with this situation

differently.

Ask yourself what tools you want to give to your son to handle these

situations in the future when he's an adult and on his own, and

you're not there to lead the way.

Whether it's your parents, an abusive boss or friend, it's a

universal truth that we must teach people how to respect us, or

cease continuing a meaningful relationship with them. It shows the

world we demand basic respect that all humans deserve, and we're not

here for them to dump their dysfunction on. No one is here for

that, therefore, it's up to you to show your son that you either

limit visits, limit the time of the visits, or don't visit at all.

Otherwise, you're teaching your son to just keep going back like a

lamb to slaughter.

You can't think that something that leaves you crying in a ball can

be good for you, or for your son to see as " normal " . Show your son

how to show some backbone and stop going into abusive situations.

He needs those tools, or he'll go out into the world and form

relationships that aren't good for him, and he'll think he has to

just keep taking it.

You, as his mother, have to lead the way.

-Kyla

> >

> > I am currently struggling with telling my Mother and Brother how

> much

> > they have hurt me. I realize that none of that matters to them,

but

> I

> > want them to understand why I will be cutting myself off from

them.

> I

> > suspect they will both say good riddence, and that hurts even

more.

> > Do I tell them or do I just walk away? After this weekend and

the

> > last, I am at that point. Here is what happened:

> >

> > I have been looking for a full time permanent job for the last

six

> > years. So far all I have been able to get are some gigs as an

> > Indendent contractor and those were disasters. No support from

my

> > family. I have asked my brother to keep a look out for job

> > opportunities where he works. He did reccommend me for one job,

> which

> > I got. I was there a month when he picked a fight with my

manager

> and

> > made her so mad that to get back at him she fired me. I was

there

> > when it happened and I watched it all unfold. I could do nothing

to

> > stop it. My resentment towards my brother is very deep. It was a

> good

> > paying job, with benefits and I had a chance to do something I

> really

> > loved. But the rug was yanked out from under me. I have asked my

> > brother to put in a good word for me for other positions that

are

> > open, but he does nothing.

> >

> > Last weekend my family and my brother's family were at my mom's

> farm

> > and I mentioned to both my Mom and brother that another job had

> > fallen through. I was met with silence and my brother actually

> turned

> > his back on me. Needless to say I snapped and got mad about it.

I

> > needed some support and got obvious rejection. The only one who

> > offered any kind of kindness was my sister-in-law and I thanked

her

> > for actually saying she was sorry that I didn't get the job, but

> that

> > I should still keep trying. My brother has not spoken to me

since

> > then and I get the feeling they are avoiding me and my son.

> >

> > This weekend my Mother and I took my son to a nature preserve

and

> the

> > day went very well. We spent the night at her house. Everything

was

> > fine until she started talking to my brother over the phone the

> next

> > day. When she hung up the phone, she made it clear that she

wasn't

> > going to tell me what they had been talking about. When I asked

how

> > they were doing she said fine. The next thing I knew she had

left

> the

> > house and ended up over at my brother's house without letting

> either

> > my son or me know what was going on. She was gone for 30

minutes.

> > When she got back, I told her that we were going to leave. She

> starts

> > in on me making me feel guilty about leaving. I told her that I

> felt

> > that my brother was playing games and she flew off the handle. I

> also

> > told her that she didn't tell us that she would be gone. Instead

of

> > saying that she was sorry to have worried us, she started

yelling

> at

> > me that she just happened to meet up with my brother and wanted

a

> > chance to squeeze the little one, my brother's daughter. How

dare I

> > question where she was and she didn't have to tell me anything.

> > Further she stipulated that we were in her house and I had no

right

> > to ask her about anything. Needless to say I am still upset

about

> it.

> >

> > She just called wanting to know how my son was doing, but she

was

> > looking to have me apologize for what happened yesterday or to

> > pretend it didn't happen at all. Any normal person would ask why

> > someone was upset. To her it doesn't matter, I am being

> unreasonable.

> > Now I will get the silent treatment. But I am tired of being

hurt

> and

> > feeling guilty about it. So I apologized and she started in on

me

> > again, " I just don't know about you. Do I have to ask your

> permission

> > to do what I want to do? I'm a grown woman. What is wrong with

you? "

> >

> > I feel so alone and sad. I hate to deprive my son of his

> grandmother,

> > but I suspect that it does him damage to see her treat me this

way.

> > He has even asked me why Grammaw likes him better than me. Has

> anyone

> > had to deal with this? How did you handle it? I am just making a

> mess

> > of things no matter what I do.

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

_____________________________________________________________________

_______________

> Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your home page..

> http://www.yahoo.com/r/hs

>

>

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Guest guest   

Guest guest
Posted

I think it all depends on what you need. I have found that typing my

feelings out, using all the profanity I need to if I am really

angry, then deleting it helps. (Of course the paranoid, court-tv

addict in me says it's better to do this free-hand because what if

you are falsely accused of a crime and they data-mine your computer

and find your heat-of-the-moment rantings, lol, but anyway...). I

got really badly hurt by some 'friends' I'd met online, about a year

ago, and I did this daily for months until I felt better. For the

sake of my health I just had to get it out. (I strongly believe that

all four were some flavor of borderline/sociopath, that was

definitely my 'hitting bottom' with drawing these people into my

life).

The thing about writing someone a letter like this is it has to be

100% for YOU. In the book " Toxic Parents " they talk about how much

confrontation helps in terms of people moving past this stuff and

going on with their lives. But you can't have *any* expectations

about their response to it being apologetic or being willing to

change suddenly. If you do, it will just be a source of more pain. I

have known people who've done this, for their own sake, with no

expectations except that they felt unheard and wanted to get their

point of view out into the open air with the person. And it was

usually their final input into the relationship. So basically they

told the person how they felt (one friend did this with his dad by

writing a letter and reading it to him) and then they walked away

from the relationship. Your brother and mom are definitely

triangulating against you, he sounds very astute at that sort of

thing and apparently feels threatened by you. My dad is like that

with me and the number one reason for it, I believe, is that he has

a younger sister, the first girl in the family, who was born 2 years

after him and apparently upset the apple-cart of the family

affection hierarchy (or something...?) in his family in a way that

affected him profoundly and permanently. His solution has been to

emotionally torment me all of his life. My sister triangulates with

him vs. me, also. Her conflict, not coincidentally, is HER younger

sister, ME. So they have that pain in common and instead of working

through it they work in concert to make me feel like the a mistake

and like they wish I'd not been born (which is probably the God's

honest truth). It makes me wonder if your mother has a sister

herself whom she resents and if that is why she and your brother

pull together against you (but I might just be personalizing your

story, it rings very true for me). What is a shame is not only is

their behavior not going to bring them any true comfort or healing

but that on some level they know it is wrong, and it's only going to

bring them negative karma in the end. You should do what you feel

will free you from the anger and resentment, but you have to be free

of any expectations about change in them. I wish you the best, I

think they are doing damage to your self-esteem and you'd probably

be better off with much more limited contact with them. I wouldn't

want my child, if I had one, exposed to that too much because

children learn what behavior is effective by watching what adults do

and seeing what 'works' and I wouldn't want a little one to watch

that kind of manipulation be successful.

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Guest guest   

Guest guest
Posted

I completely forgot this, but your post reminded me: My nada/fada

would often stop the car & threaten to leave me & my sister on the

roadside. The threat was bad enough. So, your nada actually did that

to you? ... how nice! How long were you left there alone?

> >

> > Wow! It's CRAZY to have snow abandonment as a common experience!!

> > A few years ago, I was in the car with my nada, fada, & husband & out

> > of the blue my nada said to me, " You had a really nice childhood. "

> > What nerve she had!!!! Sure!! Freezing on the front steps in my PJs

> > was real nice! Being locked in the cellar...nice! Being raged at was

> > oh so nice.

>

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Guest guest   

Guest guest
Posted

Well, let's see. We lived in Michigan at the time and were driving

to Madison Wisconsin. We were somewhere in Illinois. Truly the

middle of nowhere, very rural. She got mad at me because I wasn't

helping with the maps the way she wanted me to. So she raged and

told me that if I wasn't going to help, she had no need for me on

this trip. She pulls to the end of an exit, reaches across me, opens

my door and pushes me out. I stood there in shock watching her get

back on the highway going towards Madison. She left me there long

enough for me to walk to a nearby " Bates " motel where " Norman "

pointed me to the Highway Patrol mini-station across the street and

down the road a bit. I guess it was about 45 minutes to an hour

because I spent awhile sitting stunned in this hotel parking lot

wondering what the h@ll I was going to do now. I had walked down the

road to the Highway Patrol office and had my hand on the door and was

going to go in and ask for help when she found me. She was livid, I

mean purple-faced that I had walked off from the exact spot where she

left me and that I was going to talk to the police. She told me that

I should have known better that she would never leave me someplace

like this. HUH???

Mercy

> > >

> > > Wow! It's CRAZY to have snow abandonment as a common

experience!!

> > > A few years ago, I was in the car with my nada, fada, &

husband & out

> > > of the blue my nada said to me, " You had a really nice

childhood. "

> > > What nerve she had!!!! Sure!! Freezing on the front steps in my

PJs

> > > was real nice! Being locked in the cellar...nice! Being raged

at was

> > > oh so nice.

> >

>

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Guest guest   

Guest guest
Posted

This is not punishment, this is child abuse. You have my admiration at having

survived it.

Re: Does it pay to tell them

OMG,....I used to rescue my sister when my nada did this to her. We

lived in Michigan at the time and nada would lock her out in the snow.

She'd sit in the huge snowbanks in her jammies and bare feet until nada

fell back asleep and I'd let her in and get her warmed up. My sister

had terrible nightmares and nada was infuriated that sis woke her.

She'd rage and drag her outside fighting the whole way, me screaming at

her to stop it and let me take care of my sister. I would wait for

nada to go back to sleep and I'd let baby girl in,....(tears) broke my

heart.

Mercy

>

> Yet when I was around 7-years-old the two of them put me outside in

> my PJs on a cold winter night and locked the door.

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your home page.

http://www.yahoo.com/r/hs

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Guest guest   

Guest guest
Posted

Oh My God this happened to me too. This has been one of my huanting memories

and thankyou for showing me others have experienced this. I was 11 and my

mother had some fit in the middle of a 4 lane highway at a red light she booted

me. I got out turned my back on the car turned around and she was gone.

Unbeleivable. I walked the almost nine miles home with no sidewalks on a four

lane highway in 90 degree weather. when she came back to get me.. I was 1/4

mile from home. She was livid said the same things and blamed me. Then started

to discuss consequences. Yea right. Anyway I told her if there were to be

consequences I would have to discuss them with Dad. She shut up as Dad had no

idea the crap she pulled and her biggest threat and demand was you will not tell

your father. Then she got all calm as if nothing happened and in a sweet sicking

voice said well go get your guitar your going to be late for your lesson and

that was that. It turns out

while I was walking home she and my brother were having a nice lunch at

Hardees. errrrrrrgh

Suebee

Re: Does it pay to tell them

oh my god. creepy creepy creepy creepy creepy.

> > > >

> > > > Wow! It's CRAZY to have snow abandonment as a common

> experience!!

> > > > A few years ago, I was in the car with my nada, fada, &

> husband & out

> > > > of the blue my nada said to me, " You had a really nice

> childhood. "

> > > > What nerve she had!!!! Sure!! Freezing on the front steps in

my

> PJs

> > > > was real nice! Being locked in the cellar...nice! Being raged

> at was

> > > > oh so nice.

> > >

> >

>

<!--

#ygrp-mkp{

border:1px solid #d8d8d8;font-family:Arial;margin:14px 0px;padding:0px 14px;}

#ygrp-mkp hr{

border:1px solid #d8d8d8;}

#ygrp-mkp #hd{

color:#628c2a;font-size:85%;font-weight:bold;line-height:122%;margin:10px 0px;}

#ygrp-mkp #ads{

margin-bottom:10px;}

#ygrp-mkp .ad{

padding:0 0;}

#ygrp-mkp .ad a{

color:#0000ff;text-decoration:none;}

-->

<!--

#ygrp-sponsor #ygrp-lc{

font-family:Arial;}

#ygrp-sponsor #ygrp-lc #hd{

margin:10px 0px;font-weight:bold;font-size:78%;line-height:122%;}

#ygrp-sponsor #ygrp-lc .ad{

margin-bottom:10px;padding:0 0;}

-->

<!--

#ygrp-mlmsg {font-size:13px;font-family:arial, helvetica, clean, sans-serif;}

#ygrp-mlmsg table {font-size:inherit;font:100%;}

#ygrp-mlmsg select, input, textarea {font:99% arial, helvetica, clean,

sans-serif;}

#ygrp-mlmsg pre, code {font:115% monospace;}

#ygrp-mlmsg * {line-height:1.22em;}

#ygrp-text{

font-family:Georgia;

}

#ygrp-text p{

margin:0 0 1em 0;}

#ygrp-tpmsgs{

font-family:Arial;

clear:both;}

#ygrp-vitnav{

padding-top:10px;font-family:Verdana;font-size:77%;margin:0;}

#ygrp-vitnav a{

padding:0 1px;}

#ygrp-actbar{

clear:both;margin:25px 0;white-space:nowrap;color:#666;text-align:right;}

#ygrp-actbar .left{

float:left;white-space:nowrap;}

..bld{font-weight:bold;}

#ygrp-grft{

font-family:Verdana;font-size:77%;padding:15px 0;}

#ygrp-ft{

font-family:verdana;font-size:77%;border-top:1px solid #666;

padding:5px 0;

}

#ygrp-mlmsg #logo{

padding-bottom:10px;}

#ygrp-vital{

background-color:#e0ecee;margin-bottom:20px;padding:2px 0 8px 8px;}

#ygrp-vital #vithd{

font-size:77%;font-family:Verdana;font-weight:bold;color:#333;text-transform:upp\

ercase;}

#ygrp-vital ul{

padding:0;margin:2px 0;}

#ygrp-vital ul li{

list-style-type:none;clear:both;border:1px solid #e0ecee;

}

#ygrp-vital ul li .ct{

font-weight:bold;color:#ff7900;float:right;width:2em;text-align:right;padding-ri\

ght:.5em;}

#ygrp-vital ul li .cat{

font-weight:bold;}

#ygrp-vital a{

text-decoration:none;}

#ygrp-vital a:hover{

text-decoration:underline;}

#ygrp-sponsor #hd{

color:#999;font-size:77%;}

#ygrp-sponsor #ov{

padding:6px 13px;background-color:#e0ecee;margin-bottom:20px;}

#ygrp-sponsor #ov ul{

padding:0 0 0 8px;margin:0;}

#ygrp-sponsor #ov li{

list-style-type:square;padding:6px 0;font-size:77%;}

#ygrp-sponsor #ov li a{

text-decoration:none;font-size:130%;}

#ygrp-sponsor #nc{

background-color:#eee;margin-bottom:20px;padding:0 8px;}

#ygrp-sponsor .ad{

padding:8px 0;}

#ygrp-sponsor .ad #hd1{

font-family:Arial;font-weight:bold;color:#628c2a;font-size:100%;line-height:122%\

;}

#ygrp-sponsor .ad a{

text-decoration:none;}

#ygrp-sponsor .ad a:hover{

text-decoration:underline;}

#ygrp-sponsor .ad p{

margin:0;}

o{font-size:0;}

..MsoNormal{

margin:0 0 0 0;}

#ygrp-text tt{

font-size:120%;}

blockquote{margin:0 0 0 4px;}

..replbq{margin:4;}

-->

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

Be a better friend, newshound, and

know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.

http://mobile.yahoo.com/;_ylt=Ahu06i62sR8HDtDypao8Wcj9tAcJ

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Guest guest   

Guest guest
Posted

Oh My God this happened to me too. This has been one of my huanting memories

and thankyou for showing me others have experienced this. I was 11 and my

mother had some fit in the middle of a 4 lane highway at a red light she booted

me. I got out turned my back on the car turned around and she was gone.

Unbeleivable. I walked the almost nine miles home with no sidewalks on a four

lane highway in 90 degree weather. when she came back to get me.. I was 1/4

mile from home. She was livid said the same things and blamed me. Then started

to discuss consequences. Yea right. Anyway I told her if there were to be

consequences I would have to discuss them with Dad. She shut up as Dad had no

idea the crap she pulled and her biggest threat and demand was you will not tell

your father. Then she got all calm as if nothing happened and in a sweet sicking

voice said well go get your guitar your going to be late for your lesson and

that was that. It turns out

while I was walking home she and my brother were having a nice lunch at

Hardees. errrrrrrgh

Suebee

Re: Does it pay to tell them

oh my god. creepy creepy creepy creepy creepy.

> > > >

> > > > Wow! It's CRAZY to have snow abandonment as a common

> experience!!

> > > > A few years ago, I was in the car with my nada, fada, &

> husband & out

> > > > of the blue my nada said to me, " You had a really nice

> childhood. "

> > > > What nerve she had!!!! Sure!! Freezing on the front steps in

my

> PJs

> > > > was real nice! Being locked in the cellar...nice! Being raged

> at was

> > > > oh so nice.

> > >

> >

>

<!--

#ygrp-mkp{

border:1px solid #d8d8d8;font-family:Arial;margin:14px 0px;padding:0px 14px;}

#ygrp-mkp hr{

border:1px solid #d8d8d8;}

#ygrp-mkp #hd{

color:#628c2a;font-size:85%;font-weight:bold;line-height:122%;margin:10px 0px;}

#ygrp-mkp #ads{

margin-bottom:10px;}

#ygrp-mkp .ad{

padding:0 0;}

#ygrp-mkp .ad a{

color:#0000ff;text-decoration:none;}

-->

<!--

#ygrp-sponsor #ygrp-lc{

font-family:Arial;}

#ygrp-sponsor #ygrp-lc #hd{

margin:10px 0px;font-weight:bold;font-size:78%;line-height:122%;}

#ygrp-sponsor #ygrp-lc .ad{

margin-bottom:10px;padding:0 0;}

-->

<!--

#ygrp-mlmsg {font-size:13px;font-family:arial, helvetica, clean, sans-serif;}

#ygrp-mlmsg table {font-size:inherit;font:100%;}

#ygrp-mlmsg select, input, textarea {font:99% arial, helvetica, clean,

sans-serif;}

#ygrp-mlmsg pre, code {font:115% monospace;}

#ygrp-mlmsg * {line-height:1.22em;}

#ygrp-text{

font-family:Georgia;

}

#ygrp-text p{

margin:0 0 1em 0;}

#ygrp-tpmsgs{

font-family:Arial;

clear:both;}

#ygrp-vitnav{

padding-top:10px;font-family:Verdana;font-size:77%;margin:0;}

#ygrp-vitnav a{

padding:0 1px;}

#ygrp-actbar{

clear:both;margin:25px 0;white-space:nowrap;color:#666;text-align:right;}

#ygrp-actbar .left{

float:left;white-space:nowrap;}

..bld{font-weight:bold;}

#ygrp-grft{

font-family:Verdana;font-size:77%;padding:15px 0;}

#ygrp-ft{

font-family:verdana;font-size:77%;border-top:1px solid #666;

padding:5px 0;

}

#ygrp-mlmsg #logo{

padding-bottom:10px;}

#ygrp-vital{

background-color:#e0ecee;margin-bottom:20px;padding:2px 0 8px 8px;}

#ygrp-vital #vithd{

font-size:77%;font-family:Verdana;font-weight:bold;color:#333;text-transform:upp\

ercase;}

#ygrp-vital ul{

padding:0;margin:2px 0;}

#ygrp-vital ul li{

list-style-type:none;clear:both;border:1px solid #e0ecee;

}

#ygrp-vital ul li .ct{

font-weight:bold;color:#ff7900;float:right;width:2em;text-align:right;padding-ri\

ght:.5em;}

#ygrp-vital ul li .cat{

font-weight:bold;}

#ygrp-vital a{

text-decoration:none;}

#ygrp-vital a:hover{

text-decoration:underline;}

#ygrp-sponsor #hd{

color:#999;font-size:77%;}

#ygrp-sponsor #ov{

padding:6px 13px;background-color:#e0ecee;margin-bottom:20px;}

#ygrp-sponsor #ov ul{

padding:0 0 0 8px;margin:0;}

#ygrp-sponsor #ov li{

list-style-type:square;padding:6px 0;font-size:77%;}

#ygrp-sponsor #ov li a{

text-decoration:none;font-size:130%;}

#ygrp-sponsor #nc{

background-color:#eee;margin-bottom:20px;padding:0 8px;}

#ygrp-sponsor .ad{

padding:8px 0;}

#ygrp-sponsor .ad #hd1{

font-family:Arial;font-weight:bold;color:#628c2a;font-size:100%;line-height:122%\

;}

#ygrp-sponsor .ad a{

text-decoration:none;}

#ygrp-sponsor .ad a:hover{

text-decoration:underline;}

#ygrp-sponsor .ad p{

margin:0;}

o{font-size:0;}

..MsoNormal{

margin:0 0 0 0;}

#ygrp-text tt{

font-size:120%;}

blockquote{margin:0 0 0 4px;}

..replbq{margin:4;}

-->

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your home page.

http://www.yahoo.com/r/hs

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Guest guest   

Guest guest
Posted

Hi - you are very welcome. I'm just logging back on today because I wound

up having to take my Mom to the dentist. It is still hard, but I have come so

far in such a short time since I joined this group. Today I was able to take

her to the dentist and actually come back to work. In the past I would have

been so destroyed by spending time with her that there is no way I could have

made it back to the office in one piece. PS to other's reading this - I sent a

fax to the dentist letting them know that Mom was an elderly " difficult "

patient. Everyone from the receptionist to the dentist was ready for her and

handled her like a team of Green Berets. It was amazing and I will make sure to

sound a warning in the future. It took all the pressure off me. I can finally

let people know that it's HER not ME with the problem.

Anyway - I know exactly what you mean about how hard it is to realize your

brother may not be loving. My sister was estranged from our family for 16

years. Although she won't admit it now - it was because she couldn't deal with

my mother. I missed her terribly and I was so happy when she came back to the

family. I absolutely threw myself at her to make up for lost time. Little by

little I began to realize that she was aligning herself with my Mom and that she

did not have the same feelings towards me that I was willing to give to her open

heartedly. My relationship with my sister finally ended in 2003 when she

accused me and my husband of stealing from my mother. It was devastating not

only because I've never taken anything from anyone in my life, but the betrayal

part of it just about did me in. I don't know if you feel this way too, but I

felt that my sister really knew deep down that my Mom was manipulative and nuts

and I felt that she

capitalized on it in order to look good to my Mom. She knew how much I

suffered while she was gone for 16 years, and she came back and stabbed me in

the heart again. I can really tell how far I've come with this because I'm not

crying while I type this. I hope you are able to get some distance from the

dangerous alliance between your brother and mother and that you will also be

able to kind of observe them objectively. Believe me - you can do it. Start

small - deciding how you will or will not react to them in small doses like

phone calls and then build on it. You will get there.

Tag

Does it pay to tell them

I am currently struggling with telling my Mother and Brother how much

they have hurt me. I realize that none of that matters to them, but I

want them to understand why I will be cutting myself off from them. I

suspect they will both say good riddence, and that hurts even more..

Do I tell them or do I just walk away? After this weekend and the

last, I am at that point. Here is what happened:

I have been looking for a full time permanent job for the last six

years. So far all I have been able to get are some gigs as an

Indendent contractor and those were disasters. No support from my

family. I have asked my brother to keep a look out for job

opportunities where he works. He did reccommend me for one job, which

I got. I was there a month when he picked a fight with my manager and

made her so mad that to get back at him she fired me. I was there

when it happened and I watched it all unfold. I could do nothing to

stop it. My resentment towards my brother is very deep. It was a good

paying job, with benefits and I had a chance to do something I really

loved. But the rug was yanked out from under me. I have asked my

brother to put in a good word for me for other positions that are

open, but he does nothing.

Last weekend my family and my brother's family were at my mom's farm

and I mentioned to both my Mom and brother that another job had

fallen through. I was met with silence and my brother actually turned

his back on me. Needless to say I snapped and got mad about it. I

needed some support and got obvious rejection. The only one who

offered any kind of kindness was my sister-in-law and I thanked her

for actually saying she was sorry that I didn't get the job, but that

I should still keep trying. My brother has not spoken to me since

then and I get the feeling they are avoiding me and my son.

This weekend my Mother and I took my son to a nature preserve and the

day went very well. We spent the night at her house. Everything was

fine until she started talking to my brother over the phone the next

day. When she hung up the phone, she made it clear that she wasn't

going to tell me what they had been talking about. When I asked how

they were doing she said fine. The next thing I knew she had left the

house and ended up over at my brother's house without letting either

my son or me know what was going on. She was gone for 30 minutes.

When she got back, I told her that we were going to leave. She starts

in on me making me feel guilty about leaving.. I told her that I felt

that my brother was playing games and she flew off the handle. I also

told her that she didn't tell us that she would be gone. Instead of

saying that she was sorry to have worried us, she started yelling at

me that she just happened to meet up with my brother and wanted a

chance to squeeze the little one, my brother's daughter. How dare I

question where she was and she didn't have to tell me anything.

Further she stipulated that we were in her house and I had no right

to ask her about anything. Needless to say I am still upset about it.

She just called wanting to know how my son was doing, but she was

looking to have me apologize for what happened yesterday or to

pretend it didn't happen at all. Any normal person would ask why

someone was upset. To her it doesn't matter, I am being unreasonable.

Now I will get the silent treatment. But I am tired of being hurt and

feeling guilty about it. So I apologized and she started in on me

again, " I just don't know about you. Do I have to ask your permission

to do what I want to do? I'm a grown woman. What is wrong with you? "

I feel so alone and sad. I hate to deprive my son of his grandmother,

but I suspect that it does him damage to see her treat me this way.

He has even asked me why Grammaw likes him better than me. Has anyone

had to deal with this? How did you handle it? I am just making a mess

of things no matter what I do.

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your home page.

http://www.yahoo..com/r/hs

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Guest guest   

Guest guest
Posted

Hey Tag!

Good for you! I've been wondering how things were going for you.

Kindest regards,

Mercy

>

> I'm just logging back on today because I wound up having to take my

Mom to the dentist. It is still hard, but I have come so far in such a

short time since I joined this group. Today I was able to take her to

the dentist and actually come back to work. In the past I would have

been so destroyed by spending time with her that there is no way I

could have made it back to the office in one piece. PS to other's

reading this - I sent a fax to the dentist letting them know that Mom

was an elderly " difficult " patient. Everyone from the receptionist to

the dentist was ready for her and handled her like a team of Green

Berets. It was amazing and I will make sure to sound a warning in the

future. It took all the pressure off me. I can finally let people

know that it's HER not ME with the problem.

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Guest guest   

Guest guest
Posted

I think you did a BRILLIANT job of managing your mom at the dentist.

As for the other stuff, just having a place to voice my concerns and

observations about my family has taken a huge burden off my chest. I used to

think my brother did the things he did because he got something out of it. Now I

know that he is being a jerk. It puts things into perspective. He and my mom

feed off of each other and I have a million stories of what they would do to me.

If I have to cut off contact or go to low contact with my family until they

realize that I am no longer the whipping chick in the family, so be it. I think

just admitting to people that I realize that my brother has no love for me as

family and not being attacked for being crazy is doing alot of good. I don't

have to keep telling myself that I am not crazy, because I know I am not. My

brother has hostility for me a mile wide and twice as deep and that is no longer

my problem. I won't own it anymore. He can choke on it. And God help his wife if

she EVER flits her hand in my

face to cut me off from saying something, so that she can turn around and talk

over me.

There is a world of change coming, I really don't give a damn any more if they

realize or not. I do. That is all that matters. I have never been a mouse, but I

have been a lion on a leash. That freaking leash is gone.

I think the thing that gives all of us strength is our capacity for empathy, and

I think their greatest weakness is their lack of it.. When you think about it,

the BPDs need us in order to function in the world. They are so clueless that

unless they have someone to tear down in order to make themselves " feel " normal,

they cannot function. Normal families have disagreements but they don't need to

make the person they are disagreeing with a devil. That's the difference. The

BPD is so blind to their own behavior that it will never change. I think if a

family member actually changes their behavior because they realize that what

they are doing is causing problems, there is something else going on.

Thanks for the words of encouragement.

Does it pay to tell them

I am currently struggling with telling my Mother and Brother how much

they have hurt me. I realize that none of that matters to them, but I

want them to understand why I will be cutting myself off from them. I

suspect they will both say good riddence, and that hurts even more..

Do I tell them or do I just walk away? After this weekend and the

last, I am at that point. Here is what happened:

I have been looking for a full time permanent job for the last six

years. So far all I have been able to get are some gigs as an

Indendent contractor and those were disasters. No support from my

family. I have asked my brother to keep a look out for job

opportunities where he works. He did reccommend me for one job, which

I got. I was there a month when he picked a fight with my manager and

made her so mad that to get back at him she fired me. I was there

when it happened and I watched it all unfold. I could do nothing to

stop it. My resentment towards my brother is very deep. It was a good

paying job, with benefits and I had a chance to do something I really

loved. But the rug was yanked out from under me. I have asked my

brother to put in a good word for me for other positions that are

open, but he does nothing.

Last weekend my family and my brother's family were at my mom's farm

and I mentioned to both my Mom and brother that another job had

fallen through. I was met with silence and my brother actually turned

his back on me. Needless to say I snapped and got mad about it. I

needed some support and got obvious rejection. The only one who

offered any kind of kindness was my sister-in-law and I thanked her

for actually saying she was sorry that I didn't get the job, but that

I should still keep trying. My brother has not spoken to me since

then and I get the feeling they are avoiding me and my son.

This weekend my Mother and I took my son to a nature preserve and the

day went very well. We spent the night at her house. Everything was

fine until she started talking to my brother over the phone the next

day. When she hung up the phone, she made it clear that she wasn't

going to tell me what they had been talking about. When I asked how

they were doing she said fine. The next thing I knew she had left the

house and ended up over at my brother's house without letting either

my son or me know what was going on. She was gone for 30 minutes.

When she got back, I told her that we were going to leave. She starts

in on me making me feel guilty about leaving.. I told her that I felt

that my brother was playing games and she flew off the handle. I also

told her that she didn't tell us that she would be gone. Instead of

saying that she was sorry to have worried us, she started yelling at

me that she just happened to meet up with my brother and wanted a

chance to squeeze the little one, my brother's daughter. How dare I

question where she was and she didn't have to tell me anything.

Further she stipulated that we were in her house and I had no right

to ask her about anything. Needless to say I am still upset about it.

She just called wanting to know how my son was doing, but she was

looking to have me apologize for what happened yesterday or to

pretend it didn't happen at all. Any normal person would ask why

someone was upset. To her it doesn't matter, I am being unreasonable.

Now I will get the silent treatment. But I am tired of being hurt and

feeling guilty about it. So I apologized and she started in on me

again, " I just don't know about you. Do I have to ask your permission

to do what I want to do? I'm a grown woman. What is wrong with you? "

I feel so alone and sad. I hate to deprive my son of his grandmother,

but I suspect that it does him damage to see her treat me this way.

He has even asked me why Grammaw likes him better than me. Has anyone

had to deal with this? How did you handle it? I am just making a mess

of things no matter what I do.

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your home page.

http://www.yahoo..com/r/hs

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Guest guest   

Guest guest
Posted

Hey - sent you a separate e-mail!

Re: Does it pay to tell them

Hey Tag!

Good for you! I've been wondering how things were going for you.

Kindest regards,

Mercy

>

> I'm just logging back on today because I wound up having to take my

Mom to the dentist. It is still hard, but I have come so far in such a

short time since I joined this group. Today I was able to take her to

the dentist and actually come back to work. In the past I would have

been so destroyed by spending time with her that there is no way I

could have made it back to the office in one piece. PS to other's

reading this - I sent a fax to the dentist letting them know that Mom

was an elderly " difficult " patient. Everyone from the receptionist to

the dentist was ready for her and handled her like a team of Green

Berets. It was amazing and I will make sure to sound a warning in the

future. It took all the pressure off me. I can finally let people

know that it's HER not ME with the problem.

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your home page.

http://www.yahoo.com/r/hs

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Guest guest   

Guest guest
Posted

Dear Lioness!

Good for you! You are on the right track! I am so amazed at how much we are

accomplishing with each other's support. There is no stopping us.

Tag

Does it pay to tell them

I am currently struggling with telling my Mother and Brother how much

they have hurt me. I realize that none of that matters to them, but I

want them to understand why I will be cutting myself off from them. I

suspect they will both say good riddence, and that hurts even more..

Do I tell them or do I just walk away? After this weekend and the

last, I am at that point. Here is what happened:

I have been looking for a full time permanent job for the last six

years. So far all I have been able to get are some gigs as an

Indendent contractor and those were disasters. No support from my

family. I have asked my brother to keep a look out for job

opportunities where he works. He did reccommend me for one job, which

I got. I was there a month when he picked a fight with my manager and

made her so mad that to get back at him she fired me. I was there

when it happened and I watched it all unfold. I could do nothing to

stop it.. My resentment towards my brother is very deep. It was a good

paying job, with benefits and I had a chance to do something I really

loved. But the rug was yanked out from under me. I have asked my

brother to put in a good word for me for other positions that are

open, but he does nothing.

Last weekend my family and my brother's family were at my mom's farm

and I mentioned to both my Mom and brother that another job had

fallen through. I was met with silence and my brother actually turned

his back on me. Needless to say I snapped and got mad about it. I

needed some support and got obvious rejection. The only one who

offered any kind of kindness was my sister-in-law and I thanked her

for actually saying she was sorry that I didn't get the job, but that

I should still keep trying. My brother has not spoken to me since

then and I get the feeling they are avoiding me and my son.

This weekend my Mother and I took my son to a nature preserve and the

day went very well. We spent the night at her house. Everything was

fine until she started talking to my brother over the phone the next

day. When she hung up the phone, she made it clear that she wasn't

going to tell me what they had been talking about. When I asked how

they were doing she said fine. The next thing I knew she had left the

house and ended up over at my brother's house without letting either

my son or me know what was going on. She was gone for 30 minutes.

When she got back, I told her that we were going to leave. She starts

in on me making me feel guilty about leaving.. I told her that I felt

that my brother was playing games and she flew off the handle. I also

told her that she didn't tell us that she would be gone. Instead of

saying that she was sorry to have worried us, she started yelling at

me that she just happened to meet up with my brother and wanted a

chance to squeeze the little one, my brother's daughter. How dare I

question where she was and she didn't have to tell me anything.

Further she stipulated that we were in her house and I had no right

to ask her about anything. Needless to say I am still upset about it.

She just called wanting to know how my son was doing, but she was

looking to have me apologize for what happened yesterday or to

pretend it didn't happen at all. Any normal person would ask why

someone was upset. To her it doesn't matter, I am being unreasonable.

Now I will get the silent treatment. But I am tired of being hurt and

feeling guilty about it. So I apologized and she started in on me

again, " I just don't know about you. Do I have to ask your permission

to do what I want to do? I'm a grown woman. What is wrong with you? "

I feel so alone and sad. I hate to deprive my son of his grandmother,

but I suspect that it does him damage to see her treat me this way.

He has even asked me why Grammaw likes him better than me. Has anyone

had to deal with this? How did you handle it? I am just making a mess

of things no matter what I do.

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your home page.

http://www.yahoo..com/r/hs

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Guest guest   

Guest guest
Posted

When I first tried to bring the subject up with her, I was treated to

her witch side that she usually keeps well under wraps around me.

Afterwards, I wrote her a letter and told her about how I felt, and

asked her, in the most straight forward way possible, to take

responsibility for the things she said to me.

The first time she wrote back and apolgized for not keeping me

informed about her OP therapy. I wrote a second letter. I wrote and

mailed the letter to her on 2/27, on 3/10 she penned her reply, the

evelope is post marked 3/12, and I received it today. This time, she

she apolgized for my feelings and told me to call her when I got the

letter so that we could work out any other misunderstandings between

us.

So I took that bait. And gave her a call.

She said that she doesn't remember any of the things she said to me

during her diatribe. Because she'd been so depressed and upset since

fil died, and she feels just awful about all the trouble she's had

with going in and out of the hospital, and us having to drive back

and forth to North Jersey. But if she did say what I say she said,

she didn't mean it, because she cares for me so much and she's very

sad that I don't see that, because she only wants the best for me.

Really that's all she wants for everyone.

She also told me that no one (besides me) has ever told her, in her

entire 72 years, that she'd hurt their feelings. No one? Seriously?

Ever? I double checked. Nope, she said, no one, ever, besides you.

At the end of the call, I said, well, I guess our personalities just

don't mesh too well, and we get along best when we have limited

contact with each other. Christmas, usually Thanksgiving,

occassionally Easter. We were also summoned each September to

celebrate her birthday.

And she said, (in her boo boo voice), well, if that's the way you

want it.

From the standpoint of having said my piece, it was worth it telling

her how I feel. From the standpoint of having any kind of geniune

relationship with my mil, of her actually hearing or understanding

what I am trying to say to her, not so much.

>

> I am currently struggling with telling my Mother and Brother how

much

> they have hurt me. I realize that none of that matters to them, but

I

> want them to understand why I will be cutting myself off from them.

I

> suspect they will both say good riddence, and that hurts even more.

> Do I tell them or do I just walk away? After this weekend and the

> last, I am at that point. Here is what happened:

>

> I have been looking for a full time permanent job for the last six

> years. So far all I have been able to get are some gigs as an

> Indendent contractor and those were disasters. No support from my

> family. I have asked my brother to keep a look out for job

> opportunities where he works. He did reccommend me for one job,

which

> I got. I was there a month when he picked a fight with my manager

and

> made her so mad that to get back at him she fired me. I was there

> when it happened and I watched it all unfold. I could do nothing to

> stop it. My resentment towards my brother is very deep. It was a

good

> paying job, with benefits and I had a chance to do something I

really

> loved. But the rug was yanked out from under me. I have asked my

> brother to put in a good word for me for other positions that are

> open, but he does nothing.

>

> Last weekend my family and my brother's family were at my mom's

farm

> and I mentioned to both my Mom and brother that another job had

> fallen through. I was met with silence and my brother actually

turned

> his back on me. Needless to say I snapped and got mad about it. I

> needed some support and got obvious rejection. The only one who

> offered any kind of kindness was my sister-in-law and I thanked her

> for actually saying she was sorry that I didn't get the job, but

that

> I should still keep trying. My brother has not spoken to me since

> then and I get the feeling they are avoiding me and my son.

>

> This weekend my Mother and I took my son to a nature preserve and

the

> day went very well. We spent the night at her house. Everything was

> fine until she started talking to my brother over the phone the

next

> day. When she hung up the phone, she made it clear that she wasn't

> going to tell me what they had been talking about. When I asked how

> they were doing she said fine. The next thing I knew she had left

the

> house and ended up over at my brother's house without letting

either

> my son or me know what was going on. She was gone for 30 minutes.

> When she got back, I told her that we were going to leave. She

starts

> in on me making me feel guilty about leaving. I told her that I

felt

> that my brother was playing games and she flew off the handle. I

also

> told her that she didn't tell us that she would be gone. Instead of

> saying that she was sorry to have worried us, she started yelling

at

> me that she just happened to meet up with my brother and wanted a

> chance to squeeze the little one, my brother's daughter. How dare I

> question where she was and she didn't have to tell me anything.

> Further she stipulated that we were in her house and I had no right

> to ask her about anything. Needless to say I am still upset about

it.

>

> She just called wanting to know how my son was doing, but she was

> looking to have me apologize for what happened yesterday or to

> pretend it didn't happen at all. Any normal person would ask why

> someone was upset. To her it doesn't matter, I am being

unreasonable.

> Now I will get the silent treatment. But I am tired of being hurt

and

> feeling guilty about it. So I apologized and she started in on me

> again, " I just don't know about you. Do I have to ask your

permission

> to do what I want to do? I'm a grown woman. What is wrong with you? "

>

> I feel so alone and sad. I hate to deprive my son of his

grandmother,

> but I suspect that it does him damage to see her treat me this way.

> He has even asked me why Grammaw likes him better than me. Has

anyone

> had to deal with this? How did you handle it? I am just making a

mess

> of things no matter what I do.

>

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Guest guest   

Guest guest
Posted

yeah...it reminds me that on youtube somewhere there is a video a kid

took of his mother screaming at him for ten minutes solid, just

hurling every profanity imaginable. He was sitting near the video

camera and turned it on while it was going on. She is on full-

hysteria...at one point she screams at him that he needs to go get a

gun and shoot himself. This is a sixteen year old kid. He stays calm

the whole time. Then he put it on youtube. With technology the way it

is today these borderline parents can really be brought up short and

exposed, lol.

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Guest guest   

Guest guest
Posted

ROFL...putting the raging mother on Youtube? That's hilarious!! My mother

loves to tell a story...and she SO does not get that she was out of line...about

my brother. When he was 3 she sent him to clean his room, and instead found him

playing in his still messy room. He was playing with a helium balloon...trying

to swing from the string (because eventually, you know, that balloon will stick

to the ceiling when you try swinging from it and then you'll be like Tarzan,

LOL). Anyway, she stabbed the balloon with scissors and then yelled at him for

45 minutes. (She admits this, like there's nothing wrong with screaming at a 3

year old for that long, or at all!!). The whole time, he just sat there as calm

as could be. She finally realized she was repeating herself and she yelled at

him " What do you have to say for yourself? " He looked at her for a moment and

then said, " If you are a balloon, I would pop you. "

mayalisa728 wrote:

yeah...it reminds me that on youtube somewhere there is a video a kid

took of his mother screaming at him for ten minutes solid, just

hurling every profanity imaginable. He was sitting near the video

camera and turned it on while it was going on. She is on full-

hysteria...at one point she screams at him that he needs to go get a

gun and shoot himself. This is a sixteen year old kid. He stays calm

the whole time. Then he put it on youtube. With technology the way it

is today these borderline parents can really be brought up short and

exposed, lol.

------------------------------------

Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @....

SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP.

To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL

() for your copy. We also refer to “Understanding the Borderline

Mother” (Lawson) and “Surviving the Borderline Parent,” (Roth) which you can

find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and

the SWOE Workbook.

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
×
Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0
Go To Topic Listing
×
×
  • Create New...