I need to stop Obsessing

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone,

I hope life is treating everyone fairly well.

I just need to mention that I have been on this obsessive, research

trip of finding out what to expect when I start tapering off the

benzodiazapine-Klonopin. I learned this was not a good decision or

path to embark on at this stage of my recovery right now.

I now find myself filled with anxiety and fear over what withdrawals

I " might " experience in the process. I'm realizing I have a problem

with being a " control freak " . I feel this need to know everything

so that I can control the outcome. This has been a life long

problem for me. At least now I am beginning to see its destructive

tendencies.

I just need to state that I must get back to taking things one day

at a time, one moment at a time if necessary. There is only so much

I can do to take care of myself, and I have to leave the rest up to

God.

I have wasted precious mental energy over this " coming off Klonopin "

research. I need to drop it. I'm not even planning to come off of

it until May (If my body is ready - I must listen to my body)

anyway. Ugh, How I get myself into these traps I'll never know, but

atleast I caught myself doing it before it got out of hand.

What a relief to let that go. All I need to concern myself with is

today and tapering off the Geodon as my body allows and that's it.

Once I realized what I was doing I stopped and forced myself to go

with my kids snow tubing. Not really my thing, but I needed to get

away from the computer, spend time outside (even if it was

freezing), and take time to make some enjoyable memories with my two

precious children.

They were so ecstatic to find out I had changed my mind and that I

would be joining them. They made such a big " to do " about it, I

couldn't help, but feel that I am loved and a vital part of their

life. Since the new year especially, I've been trying to work on

spending time and having more involvement in my children's lives.

Even at age 42, I must say that flying down a steep snow slope on my

belly on top of a rubber tube was still somewhat exciting. I about

froze to death for two hours, but it was good to be with my kids. I

didn't do it all by myself, however, I still had my nanny with me to

help me maintain a sense of security and control over my kids and

the situation. But hey, I did it.

This was so much better than being couped up in my room on the

computer filling my with all kinds of information that would only

trigger fears.

Well, I don't know why, but I felt like I needed to share this with

the group. I learned a valuable lesson and became aware of a

destructive pattern, and changed directions.

Hugs to all,

V.