Loooong update

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone. I'm just checking in. I'm doing slightly

better. Slowly but surely I've found improvement

though not as quick as I'd like. I'm sleeping pretty

good again. Problem is no amount of sleep seems like

enough. I'm falling asleep around 2-4 am now as

opposed to 5-9 am. I'm eating regular again. My mind

isn't racing ALL the time now. Just some of the time.

I still have problems shaking certain thoughts off at

certain times. Still having a little trouble going out

and doing things in the day as I'm still sensitive to

sunlight but that too has gotten slightly better. I

notice when I look in the mirror now my pupils don't

look so dilated. Sometimes things look foggy and fuzzy

though.

Good news is I felt good enough to propose to my gf

on Valentine's Day which I'm now proud to say she is

my fiance. It was hard to set up but I had fun doing

it. I think it helped make a great diversion for me.

Out of all places to do it at I chose the movie

theatre. Which was a big deal b/c I had my first big

attack at the theatre. It was pretty cool I had one of

my friends up at the local college here put together a

dvd and got one of the movie theatres around here to

agree to play it for free. She didn't suspect a thing.

It was funny when they played it and she looked at it

she shouts, I HATE YOU! I think everyone in the

theatre was scared she was gonna say no but I knew

what it meant. You could see the smile on her face

from ear to ear. She was just embarassed. It was a

" Good " hate. lol. Shortly after she said yes and told

me she loved me then we kissed and everyone in the

theatre cheered and clapped. Hands down the coolest

thing I've done in awhile and it felt so good to know

I could organize something like that and make her so

happy. It also felt great for me as well. It was nice

to know I could feel so great inside and be happy

again. When you go through things like anxiety,

depression, panic attacks and withdrawal you feel so

hopeless and think that despair, fear and helplessness

are the only ways you can feel. Even if for a few

brief moments. Good feelings can happen again.

I've also moved recently. Only ten miles away but I

like it out here better. I'm still not fully adjusted

but it's not been as rough as I thought. Only

complaint I have is since I've been here I've had very

vivid, sometimes horrifying dreams. I mean really

real. Like when I wake up I need to tell myself it's

ok and I'm awake now. , could this have

anything to do with the fact I'm not used to sleeping

here yet, or is it the fact that there's only one

window and not much sunlight gets through, it also has

fluorescent lighting although it's off when I sleep,

or maybe it's just the process of healing. At any rate

it is much bigger and has a nice patch of woods in the

back that has a stream and paths along it. Really nice

scenery. I love taking the dogs for walks back there.

Most of my physical symptoms have subsided. Although

I'm not near full strength yet I'm at a functional

point in life. I still cramp up easy, fatigue real

easy, still have a twitch every now and then, have

some pins and needles more in high temperatures, but

the crawling sensations have left as well as most the

other bizarre ones. Every once in awhile I'll have a

brain zap but that's pretty rare(around once every

couple weeks). Is that abnormal this late in

withdrawal?

I've gotten better at taking my supplements more

regurally. It's been over 3 straight weeks now but

I've taken mostly everything I am supposed to. Sounds

like a small feat but this was so hard for me before.

I think moving has helped re-prioritize somewhat. I

always took them before but would miss doses and not

take them at good times in the day or night. I am

taking a multi vitamin, a multi mineral, zinc,

drenamin, purezyme (digestion), total upper GI (joints

I think) Kidney drainage, fish oil, ashwaganda, carbo

veg, aconite, back flower. I'm out of magnesium right

now and for some reason coq10 and alpha lipoic acid

were hard on my stomach so I stopped taking them.

Maybe now that my digestive system feels a little

better I'll try it again. Any suggestions ?

Also any tips for getting rid of candida. My

chirolpractor says I have it b/c I have the leaky gut

thing going on. He gave me some pills called

candistatin. It seems to have helped a little but not

enough.

Overall everything is getting a bit more " normal " I

still find it hard that everyone is on my back to get

a job and I'm looking, really hard. But I need to find

something that's good for me. I can't stand up for

much more than 2 hours straight. I can't do the

mcdonld's or factory jobs that are so easy to get. I

need an office job where your sitting most the time

and those are hard to come by in Ohio.(the worst rate

of employment of any state)I put in an application at

the local guitar center. That would be perfect for me

being that I know everything there is to know about

guitars and I had went to college as a guitar/music

major. We'll see how it goes. I just find it harder

and harder to live up to everyone's expectations and

get what they view as the perfect job. Sometimes I

know my fiance's parents really don't like me and

think I'm lazy and good for nothing and it really

hurts and it's even harder to not stand up for myself

but I really have no choice b/c that's her parents. I

want more than anything for them to like me and to not

have to deal with all that I have to deal with and get

the perfect job and support Jackie and the soon to be

and move out and get our own place. It just

seems so hard right now with all the limitations I'm

faced with and I just wish they'd be more

understanding. It really takes a toll on my self

esteem and makes me feel like nothing. I wish they

knew no matter how hard they are on me isn't 1/10 the

amount how hard I am on myself. Their constant

bickering and low blows don't make my life any easier

than it already is not. I will never understand what

people have to gain from kicking a kid in the ass

who's just getting started and could use the help

rather than the stress. Oh well.

, I haven't gotten the chance to say thanks

yet for doing what you did but I greatly appreciate

it. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I wish I'd

gotten it out of the way alot sooner. It would have

saved me from alot of stress.

Well that's the end of my mammoth update. Thank you

for those of you who read this far and contimue to

pray for me. I neeed all the support and help I can

get right now.

Nate

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