Guest guest Posted May 19, 2008 Report Share Posted May 19, 2008 I just finished " Stop Walking on Eggshells " this morning, and am rushing to learn more about this support group. What a revelation! When I first read about BPD online last week, I almost started crying. Reading the book was the same. I am almost thirty and am confident that my mother has BPD. I do not believe she (nor my father) has ever attempted to shield me from her disorder, although she would be the last to admit that she even has a problem. My mother is a trained criminal prosecutor; people used to be terrified to face her in the courtroom (she is proud of that). I have seen her rage and emotionally abuse those closest to her, myself included. Because of her training, she is quite skilled in the " tag you're it game " and other mechanisms that have made it quite hurtful for me to maintain any sort of relationship with her, especially as I have gotten older. I am the oldest of two daugthers. I have been actively separating from my parents and have been married for almost six years. My younger sister is unmarried and quite enmeshed with my parents. Perhaps it goes without saying that she is the split " all good one, " and I am the split " all bad one. " For years, my position has been a very lonely place. My mom would rage and emotionally abuse me, and she would then go to my father and sister to enlist their support against me. They would agree with me behind her back but then back her up when the four of us got together. My mom says that I am not in her " inner circle " as a result, and my attempts at relationships with the others are ambused. I have known something was wrong with my relationship with my mother since becoming a teenager. As an adult, I have explored family systems theory, done a genogram, studied non-violent communication, and gotten therapy. A counselor once mentioned " personality disorder " when describing my mother. She said that I would never be close with her. I just did not have the rest of the picture that I now have after reading the BPD book. I am mourning my childhood. I never understood the gravity of my mother's illness and would scrutinize myself after each of her attacks. I would try to defend myself, but arguing was absolutely ineffective, especially with her litigation training in addition to her mental illness. One minute she was supportive and intelligent, the other minute she was emotionally blackmailing me and child-like. I was confused and fearful. The dynamics in my family are getting worse. When I first separated and began setting limits, my Mom entered therapy for the first time. But she is far from consistent in her attendance, and it appears that her counselor is only affirming her. She continues to have very unstable personal relationships and has started dressing inappropriately. She is very sexually suggestive, and I am embarrased. My Dad is increasingly isolated and is drinking excessively, yet he continues to give in to her demands. My sister has a very fragile sense of self like my mother and struggles with depression. She just ended a relationship with someone who smokes pot regularly because of his severe anxiety. I am currently experiencing a countermove from my Mom as I type. She refused to talk to me on Mother's Day and continues to do so. Whether it was me setting a limit or making a small mistake that she is reacting to, it is painful because my husband and I just spent a large amount of money and vacation time to visit my parents. There is a family event coming up next month that we have invited them and other family members out for, and I do not know what to do or how to respond. I appreciate being able to write these words and share my experience right now. I would like to hear if anyone resonates with my story or has a response. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 19, 2008 Report Share Posted May 19, 2008 I'm so sorry. You deserved so much better. I'd read Understanding the Borderline Mother next. As for the trip, just don't throw good money, or time, after bad. > > I just finished " Stop Walking on Eggshells " this morning, and am > rushing to learn more about this support group. What a revelation! > When I first read about BPD online last week, I almost started > crying. Reading the book was the same. > > I am almost thirty and am confident that my mother has BPD. I do not > believe she (nor my father) has ever attempted to shield me from her > disorder, although she would be the last to admit that she even has a > problem. > > My mother is a trained criminal prosecutor; people used to be > terrified to face her in the courtroom (she is proud of that). I > have seen her rage and emotionally abuse those closest to her, myself > included. Because of her training, she is quite skilled in the " tag > you're it game " and other mechanisms that have made it quite hurtful > for me to maintain any sort of relationship with her, especially as I > have gotten older. > > I am the oldest of two daugthers. I have been actively separating > from my parents and have been married for almost six years. My > younger sister is unmarried and quite enmeshed with my parents. > Perhaps it goes without saying that she is the split " all good one, " > and I am the split " all bad one. " > > For years, my position has been a very lonely place. My mom would > rage and emotionally abuse me, and she would then go to my father and > sister to enlist their support against me. They would agree with me > behind her back but then back her up when the four of us got > together. My mom says that I am not in her " inner circle " as a > result, and my attempts at relationships with the others are ambused. > > I have known something was wrong with my relationship with my mother > since becoming a teenager. As an adult, I have explored family > systems theory, done a genogram, studied non-violent communication, > and gotten therapy. A counselor once mentioned " personality > disorder " when describing my mother. She said that I would never be > close with her. I just did not have the rest of the picture that I > now have after reading the BPD book. > > I am mourning my childhood. I never understood the gravity of my > mother's illness and would scrutinize myself after each of her > attacks. I would try to defend myself, but arguing was absolutely > ineffective, especially with her litigation training in addition to > her mental illness. One minute she was supportive and intelligent, > the other minute she was emotionally blackmailing me and child-like. > I was confused and fearful. > > The dynamics in my family are getting worse. When I first separated > and began setting limits, my Mom entered therapy for the first time. > But she is far from consistent in her attendance, and it appears that > her counselor is only affirming her. She continues to have very > unstable personal relationships and has started dressing > inappropriately. She is very sexually suggestive, and I am > embarrased. > > My Dad is increasingly isolated and is drinking excessively, yet he > continues to give in to her demands. My sister has a very fragile > sense of self like my mother and struggles with depression. She just > ended a relationship with someone who smokes pot regularly because of > his severe anxiety. > > I am currently experiencing a countermove from my Mom as I type. She > refused to talk to me on Mother's Day and continues to do so. > Whether it was me setting a limit or making a small mistake that she > is reacting to, it is painful because my husband and I just spent a > large amount of money and vacation time to visit my parents. There > is a family event coming up next month that we have invited them and > other family members out for, and I do not know what to do or how to > respond. > > I appreciate being able to write these words and share my experience > right now. I would like to hear if anyone resonates with my story or > has a response. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 19, 2008 Report Share Posted May 19, 2008 Welcome to the club. It is by involuntary membership only and the people in it wish that they were anywhere but here. Here is my take on your situation for what it is worth and you are free to blow me off at any time, but the scenario you present is depressingly familar. As we say on this board even silence sends a message. If your nada knows that this treatment bothers you, and I strongly suspect that she does, she is softening you up for the coup de gras (hope I spelled that right). Her expectation is that you will be so eager to get back in her good graces that you will come to her expecting forgiveness which she will likely not grant. In fact she will pull out all the stops to hammer you into submission to her desires. As a criminal prosecutor she is trained to do this as part of her job and God have mercy on you when she lets loose. No doubt she will methodically outline all of your faults right back to the first time you threw up on her shoulder when she was burping you. Then she will probably go silent again leaving you to recover or wilt depending on how strong you are. My own nada wasn't any where near the caliber yours is but I recognize the pattern. I would go to her racking my brain trying to understand what I had done wrong only to have her tell me, when she decided to talk to me again, that she didn't know what I was referring to. Once I heard that I would have to back into my memories and try and deduce whether or not I was imagining that she was ever mad at me in the first place. Sound familar? It is all about keeping you off balance so that she can manipulate the facts. My suggestions: 1) Buy a journal, write down everything that is done or said to you by her and the family. You must become your own defense lawyer. Keep track of what she does and when she does it and try to figure out what triggered it. Sometimes it will be clear in hindsight and sometimes you will never know. 2) Evaluate how important this family function is to you. She has the potential to do one of three things: She will not show up, she will show up and make a scene or she will show up and nothing will happen. Of the three the last is least likely to happen, but given that she is a highly functioning BPD there is a possibility that she will maintain a profile of serene confidence and grace. This of course will cause you to question your sanity. That is the point. 3) If you need to know if she is coming and the event is important call and ask if she intends to attend. This is reasonable if you need an RSVP. In fact I would call all of the invitees and confirm that they are coming or not. If you get no response, consider that to be your answer. If she does respond keep your reaction even and do not mention the past unpleasentness at all. She wants you to open up about that, if she mentions it tell her it is unimportant and that your focus is on the family event and the head count. Keep the conversation there, do not wander into her minefield. 4) As a back up be prepared for her to show up at the event never having confirmed that she would attend in the first place and remember this is her game and it is all about making you look and feel bad. That is how she maintains control. Have some sort of exit strategy in mind with a clear boundary that if she breaks it triggers the strategy and you can get out of the line of fire. With BPDs this is the game. They want you off balance because it gives them power, if you can try to not react and feed into the cycle you are ahead of the game. When you said countermove you were spot on. This is her game, don't play it, you are not skilled enough. That is not meant as a put down. A true BPD spends his/her life controling the outcome of every argument and dustup. Since you are new to this, your best defense is to remain calm and nearly emotionless, almost clinical. Save any emotion for another time. I know it is hard and you want a sympathetic mother who will act normal. If you are on this board you already know that is impossible.. Determining what type of BPD you have on your hands is critical in how you are going to be able to deal with the madness and that is where the journal comes in. It sounds like you have a Queen, but only you can determine that. I feel for your confusion and obvious pain. I hate to tell you this but it will be hard to get this under control and to a place where you can deal with it in a rational manner. You have a long road ahead and you have the extra burden of dealing with someone trained to sniff out weakness and exploit it to their ends. Keep this in mind, your nada plays to win. You need to play to survive. I hope this helps. It is painful, it is not fair and you are justified in feeling hurt. Just know that you are not alone. Be strong Seeing the Light I just finished " Stop Walking on Eggshells " this morning, and am rushing to learn more about this support group. What a revelation! When I first read about BPD online last week, I almost started crying. Reading the book was the same. I am almost thirty and am confident that my mother has BPD. I do not believe she (nor my father) has ever attempted to shield me from her disorder, although she would be the last to admit that she even has a problem. My mother is a trained criminal prosecutor; people used to be terrified to face her in the courtroom (she is proud of that). I have seen her rage and emotionally abuse those closest to her, myself included. Because of her training, she is quite skilled in the " tag you're it game " and other mechanisms that have made it quite hurtful for me to maintain any sort of relationship with her, especially as I have gotten older. I am the oldest of two daugthers. I have been actively separating from my parents and have been married for almost six years. My younger sister is unmarried and quite enmeshed with my parents. Perhaps it goes without saying that she is the split " all good one, " and I am the split " all bad one. " For years, my position has been a very lonely place. My mom would rage and emotionally abuse me, and she would then go to my father and sister to enlist their support against me. They would agree with me behind her back but then back her up when the four of us got together. My mom says that I am not in her " inner circle " as a result, and my attempts at relationships with the others are ambused. I have known something was wrong with my relationship with my mother since becoming a teenager. As an adult, I have explored family systems theory, done a genogram, studied non-violent communication, and gotten therapy. A counselor once mentioned " personality disorder " when describing my mother. She said that I would never be close with her. I just did not have the rest of the picture that I now have after reading the BPD book. I am mourning my childhood. I never understood the gravity of my mother's illness and would scrutinize myself after each of her attacks. I would try to defend myself, but arguing was absolutely ineffective, especially with her litigation training in addition to her mental illness. One minute she was supportive and intelligent, the other minute she was emotionally blackmailing me and child-like. I was confused and fearful. The dynamics in my family are getting worse. When I first separated and began setting limits, my Mom entered therapy for the first time. But she is far from consistent in her attendance, and it appears that her counselor is only affirming her. She continues to have very unstable personal relationships and has started dressing inappropriately. She is very sexually suggestive, and I am embarrased. My Dad is increasingly isolated and is drinking excessively, yet he continues to give in to her demands. My sister has a very fragile sense of self like my mother and struggles with depression. She just ended a relationship with someone who smokes pot regularly because of his severe anxiety. I am currently experiencing a countermove from my Mom as I type. She refused to talk to me on Mother's Day and continues to do so. Whether it was me setting a limit or making a small mistake that she is reacting to, it is painful because my husband and I just spent a large amount of money and vacation time to visit my parents. There is a family event coming up next month that we have invited them and other family members out for, and I do not know what to do or how to respond. I appreciate being able to write these words and share my experience right now. I would like to hear if anyone resonates with my story or has a response. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 20, 2008 Report Share Posted May 20, 2008 Hope, You do have to mourn your childhood and your lack of a mother. The sooner you realize that her actions are not going to change and *accept* that - mourn it but accept it - the sooner you'll be able to move on without her. As far as the trip goes, I think that means she's coming to see you? Make her and her husband treat you with the respect you would expect from any guest. When her behavior is intolerable and you're questioning yourself step back and say " would I accept this behavior from a perfect stranger? "  If the answer is no, then don't accept it. Leave the situation. You have two feet. Do not argue with her - it's pointless. Her illness doesn't allow her to see reality. So just leave - and save your own sanity. Amy Re: Seeing the Light I'm so sorry. You deserved so much better. I'd read Understanding the Borderline Mother next. As for the trip, just don't throw good money, or time, after bad. > > I just finished " Stop Walking on Eggshells " this morning, and am > rushing to learn more about this support group. What a revelation! > When I first read about BPD online last week, I almost started > crying. Reading the book was the same. > > I am almost thirty and am confident that my mother has BPD. I do not > believe she (nor my father) has ever attempted to shield me from her > disorder, although she would be the last to admit that she even has a > problem. > > My mother is a trained criminal prosecutor; people used to be > terrified to face her in the courtroom (she is proud of that). I > have seen her rage and emotionally abuse those closest to her, myself > included. Because of her training, she is quite skilled in the " tag > you're it game " and other mechanisms that have made it quite hurtful > for me to maintain any sort of relationship with her, especially as I > have gotten older.. > > I am the oldest of two daugthers. I have been actively separating > from my parents and have been married for almost six years. My > younger sister is unmarried and quite enmeshed with my parents. > Perhaps it goes without saying that she is the split " all good one, " > and I am the split " all bad one. " > > For years, my position has been a very lonely place. My mom would > rage and emotionally abuse me, and she would then go to my father and > sister to enlist their support against me. They would agree with me > behind her back but then back her up when the four of us got > together. My mom says that I am not in her " inner circle " as a > result, and my attempts at relationships with the others are ambused. > > I have known something was wrong with my relationship with my mother > since becoming a teenager. As an adult, I have explored family > systems theory, done a genogram, studied non-violent communication, > and gotten therapy. A counselor once mentioned " personality > disorder " when describing my mother. She said that I would never be > close with her. I just did not have the rest of the picture that I > now have after reading the BPD book. > > I am mourning my childhood. I never understood the gravity of my > mother's illness and would scrutinize myself after each of her > attacks. I would try to defend myself, but arguing was absolutely > ineffective, especially with her litigation training in addition to > her mental illness. One minute she was supportive and intelligent, > the other minute she was emotionally blackmailing me and child-like. > I was confused and fearful. > > The dynamics in my family are getting worse.. When I first separated > and began setting limits, my Mom entered therapy for the first time. > But she is far from consistent in her attendance, and it appears that > her counselor is only affirming her. She continues to have very > unstable personal relationships and has started dressing > inappropriately. She is very sexually suggestive, and I am > embarrased. > > My Dad is increasingly isolated and is drinking excessively, yet he > continues to give in to her demands. My sister has a very fragile > sense of self like my mother and struggles with depression. She just > ended a relationship with someone who smokes pot regularly because of > his severe anxiety. > > I am currently experiencing a countermove from my Mom as I type. She > refused to talk to me on Mother's Day and continues to do so. > Whether it was me setting a limit or making a small mistake that she > is reacting to, it is painful because my husband and I just spent a > large amount of money and vacation time to visit my parents. There > is a family event coming up next month that we have invited them and > other family members out for, and I do not know what to do or how to > respond. > > I appreciate being able to write these words and share my experience > right now. I would like to hear if anyone resonates with my story or > has a response. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 21, 2008 Report Share Posted May 21, 2008 I understand and feel your pain. I think you are right when you state that you believe that noone ever shielded you from her disorder. It also sounds like (from what you wrote) that your mother's therapist is suporting her -- which will only encourage your mother's bad behavior. It sounds like your mother is a high functioning borderline and this will make a diagnosis very difficult. You may want to focus more on your husband and distance yourself from your mother. She will never validate the fact that she destroyed your childhood or that there is something seriously wrong with her. She will turn any relationship she can against you -- these are the facts about borderlines. If your immediate family will not support you openly (in front of your mother), I do not consider this support at all. Regarding your family event next month -- if you are having this party I would confirm with your other family members if they are coming. Do not let your mother ruin this for you. It is difficult, because you do not know what make believe stories your mother could be saying to other family members to make you look bad. The problem with a borderline parent is that they want to win at all costs ever time. " seeking.hope " wrote: I just finished " Stop Walking on Eggshells " this morning, and am rushing to learn more about this support group. What a revelation! When I first read about BPD online last week, I almost started crying. Reading the book was the same. I am almost thirty and am confident that my mother has BPD. I do not believe she (nor my father) has ever attempted to shield me from her disorder, although she would be the last to admit that she even has a problem. My mother is a trained criminal prosecutor; people used to be terrified to face her in the courtroom (she is proud of that). I have seen her rage and emotionally abuse those closest to her, myself included. Because of her training, she is quite skilled in the " tag you're it game " and other mechanisms that have made it quite hurtful for me to maintain any sort of relationship with her, especially as I have gotten older. I am the oldest of two daugthers. I have been actively separating from my parents and have been married for almost six years. My younger sister is unmarried and quite enmeshed with my parents. Perhaps it goes without saying that she is the split " all good one, " and I am the split " all bad one. " For years, my position has been a very lonely place. My mom would rage and emotionally abuse me, and she would then go to my father and sister to enlist their support against me. They would agree with me behind her back but then back her up when the four of us got together. My mom says that I am not in her " inner circle " as a result, and my attempts at relationships with the others are ambused. I have known something was wrong with my relationship with my mother since becoming a teenager. As an adult, I have explored family systems theory, done a genogram, studied non-violent communication, and gotten therapy. A counselor once mentioned " personality disorder " when describing my mother. She said that I would never be close with her. I just did not have the rest of the picture that I now have after reading the BPD book. I am mourning my childhood. I never understood the gravity of my mother's illness and would scrutinize myself after each of her attacks. I would try to defend myself, but arguing was absolutely ineffective, especially with her litigation training in addition to her mental illness. One minute she was supportive and intelligent, the other minute she was emotionally blackmailing me and child-like. I was confused and fearful. The dynamics in my family are getting worse. When I first separated and began setting limits, my Mom entered therapy for the first time. But she is far from consistent in her attendance, and it appears that her counselor is only affirming her. She continues to have very unstable personal relationships and has started dressing inappropriately. She is very sexually suggestive, and I am embarrased. My Dad is increasingly isolated and is drinking excessively, yet he continues to give in to her demands. My sister has a very fragile sense of self like my mother and struggles with depression. She just ended a relationship with someone who smokes pot regularly because of his severe anxiety. I am currently experiencing a countermove from my Mom as I type. She refused to talk to me on Mother's Day and continues to do so. Whether it was me setting a limit or making a small mistake that she is reacting to, it is painful because my husband and I just spent a large amount of money and vacation time to visit my parents. There is a family event coming up next month that we have invited them and other family members out for, and I do not know what to do or how to respond. I appreciate being able to write these words and share my experience right now. I would like to hear if anyone resonates with my story or has a response. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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