Guest guest Posted January 11, 2004 Report Share Posted January 11, 2004 Hi Freda, I'm fairly new here too; 53 and grateful to have found this list. My mother is 71, has all of my life been devastatingly cruel to her children, even to my father. She is as you describe, typically BPD: manipulative/cunning/bright, controlling, blaming, resentful, jealous, and charming to people outside the family. I have been in and out of various therapies since my early twenties. You will be believed here, and supported. Your story left me trembling and in tears. I believe your suspicions about your mother's attempts to kill you. Have you any living relatives who might recall (or be willing to talk about) your having had frequent accidents/falls/accidental poisonings as a small child? My youngest brother is 13 years my junior; 9 years between him and the next child. I am the oldest. Both of my parents were quite cruel to my brother, and neglectful; he was born at a time when I believe they probably would have divorced had there not been a 4th child. When my youngest brother was 2 he drank turpentine from a mason jar and nearly died; was hospitalized for weeks with kidney and liver failure and pneumonia. I was blamed for his 'accidental poisoning' as I had an oil paint set. Our mother accused me of leaving turpentine where he could reach it. However, as I was always berated about the smell when I was painting, my jar of turpentine was always closed unless I was actually sitting at my desk painting; and my turpentine would have been used/cloudy. I distinctly, chillingly, remember through her screaming at me as she held up that the jar of clear, clean/new turpentine as proof - my tiny brother lay choking and gasping on the floor. This happened on a Saturday morning; my brother was taken to a doctor/hospitolized when my father came home that evening. I'm so glad you are here, we are all starting from the same place. I hope you will keep posting. Carol Had a mother who was maybe BP. She was manipulative, cunning, very bright, very charming to folks outside of the family. I was born last of 4 children, 10 years after the one before me. I am almost certain that my mother tried to kill me at one point for a period when I was around 4 or 5 (with a yucky variety of poisoning... over a period of time)and she had just divorced my dad and the other kids were gone (one grown and moved out, 2 younger...both boys...went to live with my dad) So I was alone with her ... I have now relationship with my siblings anymore. The fastest way to explain that is say if my mother was the witch in the Wizard of Oz, my brothers and my sister were her monkeys. My mother is now dead, she died at the age of 96...I am now 64...AND STILL TRYING to leave this all behind. Such grief. Your posts reveal a lot of knowledge on the subject of BPD. So I guess my request is this: from what you know , and what I've said, does this exceed the parameters of BPD? She was never diagnosed with anything...everyone thought she was just great...once I was trying to explain to an old friend just a little of what she was like...he said " Look...I've met your mother...it's hard to believe these things about such a sweet old lady " Very typical response. I've been in therapy a lot in my time...but in my many attempts, didn't find a person that really could deal with BPD or whatever this was. Freda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 11, 2004 Report Share Posted January 11, 2004 Hi Freda & Carol -- thanks for sharing your experiences. Isn't it interesting how much violence pervades our lives till we " escape " -- even then may haunt us for who knows how long? We KO's are perceptive. After reading your stories I wanted to add that I had to leave " home " at 16 after nearly *successfully* killing nada. By some miracle, after being dragged up on the streets of nyc and new orleans for years, I was accepted into Columbia University and there excelled. The FOO were (are) so " out to lunch " they couldn't even manage my graduation in a meaningful way -- even after everything I'd gone through to achieve that...(prison, etc). Enough bitching I think I've been ranting too much lately. Hopefully this will pass....this list is a good thing and and the 'reality check' aspect helps me through the toughest coping. thanks everyone esp. for listening > Hi Freda, > > I'm fairly new here too; 53 and grateful to have found this list. My mother > is 71, has all of my life been devastatingly cruel to her children, even to my > father. She is as you describe, typically BPD: manipulative/cunning/bright, > controlling, blaming, resentful, jealous, and charming to people outside the > family. I have been in and out of various therapies since my early twenties. > > You will be believed here, and supported. Your story left me trembling and > in tears. I believe your suspicions about your mother's attempts to kill you. > Have you any living relatives who might recall (or be willing to talk about) > your having had frequent accidents/falls/accidental poisonings as a small > child? > > My youngest brother is 13 years my junior; 9 years between him and the next > child. I am the oldest. Both of my parents were quite cruel to my brother, > and neglectful; he was born at a time when I believe they probably would have > divorced had there not been a 4th child. > > When my youngest brother was 2 he drank turpentine from a mason jar and > nearly died; was hospitalized for weeks with kidney and liver failure and > pneumonia. I was blamed for his 'accidental poisoning' as I had an oil paint set. Our > mother accused me of leaving turpentine where he could reach it. However, as > I was always berated about the smell when I was painting, my jar of > turpentine was always closed unless I was actually sitting at my desk painting; and my > turpentine would have been used/cloudy. I distinctly, chillingly, remember > through her screaming at me as she held up that the jar of clear, clean/new > turpentine as proof - my tiny brother lay choking and gasping on the floor. This > happened on a Saturday morning; my brother was taken to a doctor/hospitolized > when my father came home that evening. > > I'm so glad you are here, we are all starting from the same place. I hope > you will keep posting. Carol > > > > > Had a mother who was maybe BP. She was manipulative, cunning, very > bright, very charming to folks outside of the family. I was born > last of 4 children, 10 years after the one before me. I am almost > certain that my mother tried to kill me at one point for a period > when I was around 4 or 5 (with a yucky variety of poisoning... over > a period of time)and she had just divorced my dad and the other kids > were gone (one grown and moved out, 2 younger...both boys...went to > live with my dad) So I was alone with her ... > > I have now relationship with my siblings anymore. The fastest way > to explain that is say if my mother was the witch in the Wizard of > Oz, my brothers and my sister were her monkeys. > > My mother is now dead, she died at the age of 96...I am now 64...AND > STILL TRYING to leave this all behind. Such grief. > > Your posts reveal a lot of knowledge on the subject of BPD. So I > guess my request is this: from what you know , and what I've said, > does this exceed the parameters of BPD? > > > She was never diagnosed with anything...everyone thought she was > just great...once I was trying to explain to an old friend just a > little of what she was like...he said " Look...I've met your > mother...it's hard to believe these things about such a sweet old > lady " Very typical response. > > I've been in therapy a lot in my time...but in my many attempts, > didn't find a person that really could deal with BPD or whatever > this was. > > > Freda > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 11, 2004 Report Share Posted January 11, 2004 Hi Persevere; Thank you. Thank you so much. Now I'm in tears. No adults from that period. So alienated. My Dad also is dead. He kept me alive I think. But I remember. Accidents all the time. I noticed that especially when my daughter was small...she almost never fell down. I did constantly. I was always getting hit in the stomach at school and having the breath knocked out of me. Horrible experience. And i had asthma...only as a child. Almost died. Have a memory of a near death experience. I remember a flouroscope or upper gi when I was a kid...because I was always throwing up. There was a doctor and a few years ago, I found her and called her. She was in a nursing home. Amazing. I just said my name and asked if she remembered me. She said yes. That's all. But it was remarkable because the time that had passed at that point was probably 50 years. !!! I never could find the medical records. Tried but they're not there. Is this too much? Sometimes I think I should write this up as a horror story, but who would want to read it? Well forgive me, it is just an amazing thing to find people who understand. Such a cliche, but it's true. Freda - -- In ModOasis , getevenpersevere@a... wrote: > Hi Freda, > > I'm fairly new here too; 53 and grateful to have found this list. My mother > is 71, has all of my life been devastatingly cruel to her children, even to my > father. She is as you describe, typically BPD: manipulative/cunning/bright, > controlling, blaming, resentful, jealous, and charming to people outside the > family. I have been in and out of various therapies since my early twenties. > > You will be believed here, and supported. Your story left me trembling and > in tears. I believe your suspicions about your mother's attempts to kill you. > Have you any living relatives who might recall (or be willing to talk about) > your having had frequent accidents/falls/accidental poisonings as a small > child? > > My youngest brother is 13 years my junior; 9 years between him and the next > child. I am the oldest. Both of my parents were quite cruel to my brother, > and neglectful; he was born at a time when I believe they probably would have > divorced had there not been a 4th child. > > When my youngest brother was 2 he drank turpentine from a mason jar and > nearly died; was hospitalized for weeks with kidney and liver failure and > pneumonia. I was blamed for his 'accidental poisoning' as I had an oil paint set. Our > mother accused me of leaving turpentine where he could reach it. However, as > I was always berated about the smell when I was painting, my jar of > turpentine was always closed unless I was actually sitting at my desk painting; and my > turpentine would have been used/cloudy. I distinctly, chillingly, remember > through her screaming at me as she held up that the jar of clear, clean/new > turpentine as proof - my tiny brother lay choking and gasping on the floor. This > happened on a Saturday morning; my brother was taken to a doctor/hospitolized > when my father came home that evening. > > I'm so glad you are here, we are all starting from the same place. I hope > you will keep posting. Carol > > > > > Had a mother who was maybe BP. She was manipulative, cunning, very > bright, very charming to folks outside of the family. I was born > last of 4 children, 10 years after the one before me. I am almost > certain that my mother tried to kill me at one point for a period > when I was around 4 or 5 (with a yucky variety of poisoning... over > a period of time)and she had just divorced my dad and the other kids > were gone (one grown and moved out, 2 younger...both boys...went to > live with my dad) So I was alone with her ... > > I have now relationship with my siblings anymore. The fastest way > to explain that is say if my mother was the witch in the Wizard of > Oz, my brothers and my sister were her monkeys. > > My mother is now dead, she died at the age of 96...I am now 64...AND > STILL TRYING to leave this all behind. Such grief. > > Your posts reveal a lot of knowledge on the subject of BPD. So I > guess my request is this: from what you know , and what I've said, > does this exceed the parameters of BPD? > > > She was never diagnosed with anything...everyone thought she was > just great...once I was trying to explain to an old friend just a > little of what she was like...he said " Look...I've met your > mother...it's hard to believe these things about such a sweet old > lady " Very typical response. > > I've been in therapy a lot in my time...but in my many attempts, > didn't find a person that really could deal with BPD or whatever > this was. > > > Freda > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 12, 2004 Report Share Posted January 12, 2004 Just that she > remembered you sets off bells and sirens; there are so many questions she could > answer for you! My theory is that she figured out what my mother was doing and told her to quit it...in exchange, the doc expunged the records. That's what I think. Maybe I will try to reach the doctor again, but think she may have passed on because it's a long long time ago. > > You cannot write, or exorcise 'too much' of these persistent demons/the > memories that defy logic. We (me) write our hearts out here...pages and pages of > stuffed pain getting out, denied for so many years. The blessing of our > finding one another via this list, I think, is that we all feel the 'nods' of > understanding and compassion for what we lived through; the first time in my life I > have not been called a liar/mentally ill/evil in how I feel toward my mother. > > In writing, sharing, and reading others experiences so similar to mine I feel > 'validated'...now there's a cliche for you...weren't we all seeking > 'validation' even back in the 70s. lol > > Alienation is par for the course, I think. But recognizing alienation for > what it really is helps me sloth off a lot of the guilt/shame I feel for even > being alienated from my FOO, for not being a 'good daughter'. I choose (or > would choose if given a choice) alienation rather than remain enmeshed with them. > My self esteem is too fragile, my defenses too shaky - I can't possibly have > any sort of relationship with the people who refuse to be truthful about what > happened, refuse to believe what they already know, who ridicule and admonish > me for being hurt (my siblings are angry, resentful and generally baffled by > my refusal today to take the verbal abuse from our mother that they take). > > For many years I wrestled with the feeling that it must surely be ME who is > defective/flawed/mentally ill...as my mother portrays me. But Freda, I am just > now beginning to understand what actually happened to me, why I was the 'bad > child'...I rejected my mother, and/or she rejected me at a very early age. I > don't ever remember a good experience with her, ever. > > You're right; kids don't have catastrophic injuries and illnesses, in a > caring home. Have you considered that your mother may have attracted a great deal > of attention for HERSELF with your 'illnesses'? Did your asthma and vomiting > disappear when you became old enough to know/remember/tell what was going on? Yes...it stopped all of it. The very last time she tried one of her incredibly disgusting rituals with me, from somewhere came a guardian angel who spoke through my mouth and said, " No. And if you do that again, I'll tell someone. " She just sat there staring at the wall. No reply. Never mentioned it again. The asthma stopped (this is how I remember it) when I got angry. Screamed at her... " you are a mean mommy " > > You didn't die, but very nearly. My brother didn't die either, and my mother > got to be a hero, and a 'good mother' for quite a long time when these things > happened to her children. My god. I had to read your post several times to begin to get it. Does your brother remember it? Do you think your mom arranged for him to drink the stuff? > > Hugs, Carol > >Thank you Carol and hugs right back. Thank you everyone here. Freda > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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