establishing boundaries

[Guest guest]

Hi I introduced myself to the group a few days ago-I am 31 with a

new baby and a BPD mother. I tried setting a boundary with my mother

yesterday and of course WWIII broke out. She has always been jealous

of my relationship with my in-laws (good ,decent people) and lays a

huge guilt trip on me whenever they visit. Yesterday, I finally had

enough-I sent her an email that basically says I am tired of feeling

guilty for liking my in-laws. She told my father (who of course told

me) that she is never speaking to me again unless I apologize. I

don't know whether I am handling this well, but I don't think I am

going to call her for several weeks (normally we talk twice a week).

Again, the person suffering the most is my father who has stayed

with her for 30 years and has helped shape the momster she has

become by giving in to her endless demands and doting on her rather

than encouraging to go to therapy. I always feel so trapped because

I know I would be much happier cutting her out of my life, at least

for some months, but I don't think my Dad can stand up to her and

come visit his grandbaby and me on his own-he is afraid of the

repercussions-I used to be the same way until my baby came along-now

all I want is happiness and peace for baby's sake and I don't think

I can have either with her in my life.

Thanks to those who responded to my last email-I can't believe I

just discovered this site-it has been a real comfort to me to know I

am not alone.

[Guest guest]

juniesadie wrote:

> ... I tried setting a boundary with my mother

> yesterday and of course WWIII broke out.

Hi Juniesadie,

When first setting boundaries with a BP it ALWAYS gets worse

before it gets better. Plan on it.

Nadas/BPs like things to continue the way they were, with the BP

feeling that they're the one in control of the stuff happening

around them. Otherwise their world goes tipsy-turvy cognitively

and emotionally.

When you first introduce change (ie, set a boundary) they'll

fight tooth and nail to keep it the way it was. But, BPs also

like stability/predictability and you may eventually get that

boundary in place if your goal is " My way or the highway " (ie,

FIRM boundary).

Just remember to do it gently. No raised voices. No need to get

anyone's innards in an uproar. If the BP 'goes off' (ie, rages),

walk away. Take a 5-10 minute time out and then return. If the

BP doesn't have their self under control when you return, take

another 5-10 minute time out. Be sure to let her know you'll be

back and when you'll be back.

What's happening when you take the time out is, you're yanking

on her abandonment chain. The core issue of those who have BPD

is abandonment/entanglement.

- Edith

juniesadie wrote:

> Hi I introduced myself to the group a few days ago-I am 31 with a

> new baby and a BPD mother. I tried setting a boundary with my mother

> yesterday and of course WWIII broke out. She has always been jealous

> of my relationship with my in-laws (good ,decent people) and lays a

> huge guilt trip on me whenever they visit. Yesterday, I finally had

> enough-I sent her an email that basically says I am tired of feeling

> guilty for liking my in-laws. She told my father (who of course told

> me) that she is never speaking to me again unless I apologize. I

> don't know whether I am handling this well, but I don't think I am

> going to call her for several weeks (normally we talk twice a week).

> Again, the person suffering the most is my father who has stayed

> with her for 30 years and has helped shape the momster she has

> become by giving in to her endless demands and doting on her rather

> than encouraging to go to therapy. I always feel so trapped because

> I know I would be much happier cutting her out of my life, at least

> for some months, but I don't think my Dad can stand up to her and

> come visit his grandbaby and me on his own-he is afraid of the

> repercussions-I used to be the same way until my baby came along-now

> all I want is happiness and peace for baby's sake and I don't think

> I can have either with her in my life.

> Thanks to those who responded to my last email-I can't believe I

> just discovered this site-it has been a real comfort to me to know I

> am not alone.

[Guest guest]

> Hi,

>

> Congratulations on the birth of your baby. I commend you for

setting boundaries w/ your nada (BPD mother). That is such a healthy

thing for you to do. We really have to learn to protect ourselves

when dealing w/ a BP. The way your nada reacts to those boundaries

is her problem/issue. All you need to worry about is you and how you

react to her tantrums. Maybe you can tell her that you can't deal w/

her behavior and refuse to enable her. If she wants to be a part of

your life she'll have to treat you better.

>

> My nada is sooooo jealous of my relationships w/ anyone other tha

her. It's such a very sickening thing. I've never seen anything like

it. If I have a relationship w/ anyone other than her, she believes

in her sick and twisted mind that I am abandoning her. I totally

know what you are going through and there is nothing wrong w/ you

liking your in-laws. You have the right to live your own life!

>

> I believe we should be able to eliminate toxic people from our

lives if they are unwilling to change and/or get professional help.

Why should we be victimized for their convenience? There isn't a law

written anywhere that says we were put here to be mistreated by our

family members. Life is hard enough. We should surround ourselves

with only healthy relationships. I wish you the best of luck and I'm

here if you need to talk.

>

> Jodi

>

Thanks Jodi,

It has really been amazing to discuss this with other Non-BP

offspring who actually understands what I have been going through-my

nada has ruined every major event in my life including my wedding

and even the day my baby was born-I have always swallowed her

atrocious behavior for my father and sister's sake b/c if I stopped

relations with her, I thought I might lose them-now I think that if

I set boundaries with her, my dad and sister (also non-BPs) may

follow suit and together we can encourage her to seek therapy rather

than let her live in a fantasy world where no one contradicts her

and everything goes her way. I agree that we should surround

ourselves with positive energy and avoid toxic situations. I am

going to avoid talking to nada for a few weeks (the longest we have

ever gone without talking) and see what happens. Wish me luck!

[Guest guest]

>

> > ... I tried setting a boundary with my mother

> > yesterday and of course WWIII broke out.

>

>

> Hi Juniesadie,

>

> When first setting boundaries with a BP it ALWAYS gets worse

> before it gets better. Plan on it.

>

> Nadas/BPs like things to continue the way they were, with the BP

> feeling that they're the one in control of the stuff happening

> around them. Otherwise their world goes tipsy-turvy cognitively

> and emotionally.

>

> When you first introduce change (ie, set a boundary) they'll

> fight tooth and nail to keep it the way it was. But, BPs also

> like stability/predictability and you may eventually get that

> boundary in place if your goal is " My way or the highway " (ie,

> FIRM boundary).

>

> Just remember to do it gently. No raised voices. No need to get

> anyone's innards in an uproar. If the BP 'goes off' (ie, rages),

> walk away. Take a 5-10 minute time out and then return. If the

> BP doesn't have their self under control when you return, take

> another 5-10 minute time out. Be sure to let her know you'll be

> back and when you'll be back.

>

> What's happening when you take the time out is, you're yanking

> on her abandonment chain. The core issue of those who have BPD

> is abandonment/entanglement.

>

> - Edith

>

Thanks for your reassuring advice-it will be hard, but I am going to

do my best to stay calm when I talk to her next b/c you're right,

yelling accomplishes nothing with my nada. We live far apart from

each other right now, but I am moving back to my home which is 3

hours away from her in July and I want to start setting boundaries

now before I get there. I am sure my nada will spew insults at me

the next time we speak and demand an apology.I will try to stay calm

as you suggest.