jeremy's work on depression

[Guest guest]

hi folks,

im a quick-fix mentality type (i admit it), and i can get VERY down and

discouraged when the work dosent seem to work for me right away. i know it's my

aversion to the truth that must be the real problem, because not only am i

arguing with reality, im trying to beat the crap out of it! i can work myself

into

quite a frenzy with the story of " im too messed up to ever find peace etc

etc... " and believe me, it feels very true and real. it was a long night last

night, but the sun came up today so let's give it another go.

as you probably already know, my main " problem " is this deep, seemingly

meaningless depression has settled over my life over the last few months. im

really not sure of the story behind it, but all i know is that it's PAINFUL. so

anyway, the work:

I SHOULD BE HAPPY...no, that's not it. that dosent feel right.

I HATE THIS DEPRESSION. I WISH I WAS HAPPY. that is more true for

me.

is this true? YES. ABSOLUTELY.

how do you react, how do you feel when you wish you were happy and reality is

your not? I FEEL CRAZY. I FEEL HOPELESS. I FIND MYSELF BECOMING MORE AND

MORE ISOLATED FROM PEOPLE. I ABSOLUTELY FIGHT MYSELF, MY FEELINGS. I FEEL

SWALLOWED COMPLETELY BY DEPRESSION. DESPERATION, SUFFOCATION, SUFFERING. I

FEEL

DEFECTIVE BECAUSE I DONT THINK I CAN HELP MYSELF. NO ONE CAN HELP ME. IM

BEYOND HELP. MY MIND IS A TRAITOR, IT WILL NOT ALLOW ME TO FIND PEACE. I FEEL

IT AS A DULL, DEAD WEIGHT IN MY HEAD A MILE THICK, AND A SHRILL TENSION IN MY

CHEST.

does wishing you were happier than you are bring stress or peace? IT BRINGS

STRESS ON TOP OF STRESS.

can you see one peaceful reason to continue to wish you were happier than you

are? NO. NO PEACFUL REASON.

can you see a good reason to drop this belief, that you wish you were

happier? YES, ALTHOUGH HONESTLY I DONT THINK I CAN. ITS VERY AUTOMATIC.

what would be the worst that could happen if you just stopped struggling

against this depression? ID LOSE TO IT. I WOULD NEVER AGAIN BE HAPPY.

can you absolutely know that that's true? NO.

who would you be if you could not wish you were any happier than you are now?

I WOULD BE WITH THIS, WITHOUT THE STRUGGLE. WATCHING, ACCEPTING. LESS FEAR

OF IT. MORE PATIENT WITH IT.

TA> I WISH I COULD BE AT PEACE WITH MY DEPRESSION. i can find this.

I WISH I COULD BE AT PEACE WITH MYSELF, AS I AM NOW. yes, i would

love to accept this part of myself as fully as the happier parts.

I WISH I WOULD LOVE THIS DEPRESSION AND SEE IT AS A FRIEND. it would

end the war.

i feel this slightly, but i think i should come at it slightly differently.