Re: Here we go again...the nightmare continues

March 29, 2004

Oh Kath. My heart aches for you as I read your post.

I sure hope you had one helluva a weekend because just look what kind

of reality you came home to. Unbelievable!!!

Finding caregivers is an onerous task. In 3 months, we went through

3 different ones with my dad. At the time, my dad wasn't nasty, he

was just up all night and declining rapidly. They would leave simply

because they were too overworked and, like you say, they were

absolutely right.

I hope you do find the perfect carer because, my friend, you sound

like you're at the end of your proverbial rope. I wish I had the

answer for you or the time and energy to come over and help out.

Lots and lots of hugs and strength accompanies this post. Hope you

feel those surround you.

Abby

> Hi All

>

> I went away with a girlfriend friday night to the trailer, and on

Saturday, it was so nice in Toronto, Steve (my husband) asked his mom

to stay with Bethany and came up Sat. afternoon to join us. About 5

pm. the park owner received a call from my mother in law. Mom's

caregiver had walked out and she wasn't coming back. So here I am,

up north 2 and a half hours from Toronto, wondering just what I

should do. I tried to get the caregiver that comes during the week

but it was her weekend with the other client she has--so no luck.

The other time this caregiver didn't show up, I was given the name of

another caregiver that covered Sat and Sun, so I tried her but she

was not there and it was another clients house so they had no idea

where she was. I didn't want to go home, why should I? I deserve to

be able to have a weekend away. I am not the only one who can deal

with problems, but yet I am the only one that gets the call--even

when it is hard to reach me. It would have been much easier to phone

my sister, but I seem to be the one of choice. Anyway, thank

goodness my mother in law was there and was able to help mom with the

pills, and getting her diaper on. She said she couldn't " take care "

of mom, and that she couldn't sleep there (which I never expected

anyway) but would help in those areas. I was coming home about

lunchtime anyway so I told her that that would be great and that mom

would be fine overnight. If there was a major emergency to call my

sister or my aunt and I decided I was going to stay.

>

> Now it is monday and I am faced with the lovely job of finding yet

another caregiver. This is the 3rd (4th if you count the time that I

replaced one for a gall bladder operation) time I have had to do this

and all complained it was because it was just too difficult with

mom. said she was argumentative most of the day, and they

had gone to the grocery store and then mom wanted to go to a

hamburger place to get hamburgers. When they got there mom saw the

prices, said that they would get that for dinner but wanted to go

back to the grocery store first. argued that no, they

should get the burgers now so they didn't have to go back. Mom then

said she wasn't going to have them if didn't do what she

wanted. She also threatened her that if she told me that she would

get a gun and shoot her (lovely eh?). refused to go back to

the grocery store and I can only imagine the fun they had on the way

back home. Nonetheless, as frustrating as mom can be, I feel it was

incredibly irresponsible of to leave mom Saturday when I was

away and not due home until Sun. Apparently she had reached the end

of her rope. The worst thing is that I paid her cash a week in

advance because she was moving and needed first and last months rent

last weekend. I have asked for about $50 back because she left on

Saturday. She also owes $66 dollars for a long distance bill to

Jamaica. She says she will put the money in my acct. but I will wait

to see if that happens. I do feel like such a sucker. I tried to be

nice and look what happens. The first set of caregivers told me they

needed to go to Montreal on business so I paid them to the sunday

even though they were not due back until then and they left and never

came back and I never heard from them again. Sigh.

>

> I am not entirely unhappy that we need to find another caregiver,

just don't really want to have to go through the process AGAIN and

for how long will this next one last? I don't even know if the one

who works during the week (Theresa) will be able to last much longer

as the tension has been mounting recently. I worry that I might pick

the wrong one, that they may not be kind, or honest and mom can't

afford to pay tons of money, yet in fact, you couldn't pay me enough

to do what they do, and she is my mother. Mom asked me what

said she said. I said oh, it really doesn't matter. She shouldn't

have left anyway. I am so glad I had that talk with the doctor last

week about my mom's difficulties in remembering and understanding a

conflict. The point is that even if I told her what she did/said,

she would either deny it, or truly wouldn't remember it. She says

and does things that she cannot own up to, and cannot change behavior

as it is happening.

>

> She simply requires someone who is able to keep their emotions out

of it, and accept that despite the fact that my mom might " get angry,

threaten to tell me, call the police'' etc. that later on she will

only remember that there " was some sort of disagreement' and that she

didn't do anything to cause someone to be upset, that they simply got

mad for no reason. Oh and that it definitely was not her fault.

Indeed, what I am looking for is some sort of " Saint " that will work

for next to nothing, have no life, live with a person who talks to

people who don't exist, be willing to be accused of stealing

EVERYTHING, be ordered around by a bitchy old 96 lb. woman who

continually tells them she is their " boss " , have no choice in what

you are watching on tv, be accused of using all the toilet paper,

told not to sit on the new couch " because you're pretty heavy " , and

all sorts of other abuse that no one should have to take and you

can't get mad or expect anything to change because she will simply

not remember saying it later. They would be expected to help when no

one asks, but be considered a pest if they are constantly there

helping. They get the lovely job of carrying pee in a pail and

emptying it, disposing of the lovely smelling diaper that mom insists

is " dry " (so they might have to sneak it out), and get the challenge

of getting her to take pills she thinks are poisoning her. Getting

her dressed is another chore that requires more clothes than Walmart

sells. Nothing fits and everywhere you touch her, you hurt her. She

thinks you are capable of nothing and must " teach " you over and over

how to do laundry, adjust the thermostat and even lock the door. It

doesn't matter that she no longer is capable of remembering how to

operate these things herself. I can't tell her to listen to the

caregivers and do what they say because they " know " because she not

only wont remember it, she wont believe it.

>

> It's the perfect job for someone, know any takers?

>

> Kath (about to wreck some other poor caregiver's life)

>

> Hope all is going well in your own personal hell...

>

March 29, 2004

Kath,

I am sure the right caregiver will come. They will be angel sent to you.

Keep the faith and keep us posted.

cathy M

>

>Reply-To: LBDcaregivers

>To: <LBDcaregivers >

>Subject: Here we go again...the nightmare continues

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>

>Hi All

>

>I went away with a girlfriend friday night to the trailer, and on Saturday,

>it was so nice in Toronto, Steve (my husband) asked his mom to stay with

>Bethany and came up Sat. afternoon to join us. About 5 pm. the park owner

>received a call from my mother in law. Mom's caregiver had walked out and

>she wasn't coming back. So here I am, up north 2 and a half hours from

>Toronto, wondering just what I should do. I tried to get the caregiver

>that comes during the week but it was her weekend with the other client she

>has--so no luck. The other time this caregiver didn't show up, I was given

>the name of another caregiver that covered Sat and Sun, so I tried her but

>she was not there and it was another clients house so they had no idea

>where she was. I didn't want to go home, why should I? I deserve to be

>able to have a weekend away. I am not the only one who can deal with

>problems, but yet I am the only one that gets the call--even when it is

>hard to reach me. It would have been much easier to phone my sister, but I

>seem to be the one of choice. Anyway, thank goodness my mother in law was

>there and was able to help mom with the pills, and getting her diaper on.

>She said she couldn't " take care " of mom, and that she couldn't sleep there

>(which I never expected anyway) but would help in those areas. I was

>coming home about lunchtime anyway so I told her that that would be great

>and that mom would be fine overnight. If there was a major emergency to

>call my sister or my aunt and I decided I was going to stay.

>

>Now it is monday and I am faced with the lovely job of finding yet another

>caregiver. This is the 3rd (4th if you count the time that I replaced one

>for a gall bladder operation) time I have had to do this and all complained

>it was because it was just too difficult with mom. said she was

>argumentative most of the day, and they had gone to the grocery store and

>then mom wanted to go to a hamburger place to get hamburgers. When they

>got there mom saw the prices, said that they would get that for dinner but

>wanted to go back to the grocery store first. argued that no,

>they should get the burgers now so they didn't have to go back. Mom then

>said she wasn't going to have them if didn't do what she wanted.

>She also threatened her that if she told me that she would get a gun and

>shoot her (lovely eh?). refused to go back to the grocery store

>and I can only imagine the fun they had on the way back home. Nonetheless,

>as frustrating as mom can be, I feel it was incredibly irresponsible of

> to leave mom Saturday when I was away and not due home until Sun.

>Apparently she had reached the end of her rope. The worst thing is that I

>paid her cash a week in advance because she was moving and needed first and

>last months rent last weekend. I have asked for about $50 back because she

>left on Saturday. She also owes $66 dollars for a long distance bill to

>Jamaica. She says she will put the money in my acct. but I will wait to

>see if that happens. I do feel like such a sucker. I tried to be nice and

>look what happens. The first set of caregivers told me they needed to go

>to Montreal on business so I paid them to the sunday even though they were

>not due back until then and they left and never came back and I never heard

>from them again. Sigh.

>

>I am not entirely unhappy that we need to find another caregiver, just

>don't really want to have to go through the process AGAIN and for how long

>will this next one last? I don't even know if the one who works during the

>week (Theresa) will be able to last much longer as the tension has been

>mounting recently. I worry that I might pick the wrong one, that they may

>not be kind, or honest and mom can't afford to pay tons of money, yet in

>fact, you couldn't pay me enough to do what they do, and she is my mother.

>Mom asked me what said she said. I said oh, it really doesn't

>matter. She shouldn't have left anyway. I am so glad I had that talk with

>the doctor last week about my mom's difficulties in remembering and

>understanding a conflict. The point is that even if I told her what she

>did/said, she would either deny it, or truly wouldn't remember it. She

>says and does things that she cannot own up to, and cannot change behavior

>as it is happening.

>

>She simply requires someone who is able to keep their emotions out of it,

>and accept that despite the fact that my mom might " get angry, threaten to

>tell me, call the police'' etc. that later on she will only remember that

>there " was some sort of disagreement' and that she didn't do anything to

>cause someone to be upset, that they simply got mad for no reason. Oh and

>that it definitely was not her fault. Indeed, what I am looking for is

>some sort of " Saint " that will work for next to nothing, have no life, live

>with a person who talks to people who don't exist, be willing to be accused

>of stealing EVERYTHING, be ordered around by a bitchy old 96 lb. woman who

>continually tells them she is their " boss " , have no choice in what you are

>watching on tv, be accused of using all the toilet paper, told not to sit

>on the new couch " because you're pretty heavy " , and all sorts of other

>abuse that no one should have to take and you can't get mad or expect

>anything to change because she will simply not remember saying it later.

>They would be expected to help when no one asks, but be considered a pest

>if they are constantly there helping. They get the lovely job of carrying

>pee in a pail and emptying it, disposing of the lovely smelling diaper that

>mom insists is " dry " (so they might have to sneak it out), and get the

>challenge of getting her to take pills she thinks are poisoning her.

>Getting her dressed is another chore that requires more clothes than

>Walmart sells. Nothing fits and everywhere you touch her, you hurt her.

>She thinks you are capable of nothing and must " teach " you over and over

>how to do laundry, adjust the thermostat and even lock the door. It

>doesn't matter that she no longer is capable of remembering how to operate

>these things herself. I can't tell her to listen to the caregivers and do

>what they say because they " know " because she not only wont remember it,

>she wont believe it.

>

>It's the perfect job for someone, know any takers?

>

>Kath (about to wreck some other poor caregiver's life)

>

>Hope all is going well in your own personal hell...

>

March 29, 2004

I too feel for you. This is just too much for you .

I agree with Courage......two caregivers who take shifts.

This damn disease is the worst nightmare!!!

Sending you my prayers that you'll find an answer to the problems.

Hugs-

Sharon

Here we go again...the nightmare continues

>Hi All

>

>I went away with a girlfriend friday night to the trailer, and on Saturday,

it was so nice in Toronto, Steve (my husband) asked his mom to stay with

Bethany and came up Sat. afternoon to join us. About 5 pm. the park owner

received a call from my mother in law. Mom's caregiver had walked out and

she wasn't coming back. So here I am, up north 2 and a half hours from

Toronto, wondering just what I should do. I tried to get the caregiver that

comes during the week but it was her weekend with the other client she

has--so no luck. The other time this caregiver didn't show up, I was given

the name of another caregiver that covered Sat and Sun, so I tried her but

she was not there and it was another clients house so they had no idea where

she was. I didn't want to go home, why should I? I deserve to be able to

have a weekend away. I am not the only one who can deal with problems, but

yet I am the only one that gets the call--even when it is hard to reach me.

It would have been much easier to phone my sister, but I seem to be the one

of choice. Anyway, thank goodness my mother in law was there and was able

to help mom with the pills, and getting her diaper on. She said she

couldn't " take care " of mom, and that she couldn't sleep there (which I

never expected anyway) but would help in those areas. I was coming home

about lunchtime anyway so I told her that that would be great and that mom

would be fine overnight. If there was a major emergency to call my sister

or my aunt and I decided I was going to stay.

>

>Now it is monday and I am faced with the lovely job of finding yet another

caregiver. This is the 3rd (4th if you count the time that I replaced one

for a gall bladder operation) time I have had to do this and all complained

it was because it was just too difficult with mom. said she was

argumentative most of the day, and they had gone to the grocery store and

then mom wanted to go to a hamburger place to get hamburgers. When they got

there mom saw the prices, said that they would get that for dinner but

wanted to go back to the grocery store first. argued that no, they

should get the burgers now so they didn't have to go back. Mom then said

she wasn't going to have them if didn't do what she wanted. She

also threatened her that if she told me that she would get a gun and shoot

her (lovely eh?). refused to go back to the grocery store and I

can only imagine the fun they had on the way back home. Nonetheless, as

frustrating as mom can be, I feel it was incredibly irresponsible of

to leave mom Saturday when I was away and not due home until Sun.

Apparently she had reached the end of her rope. The worst thing is that I

paid her cash a week in advance because she was moving and needed first and

last months rent last weekend. I have asked for about $50 back because she

left on Saturday. She also owes $66 dollars for a long distance bill to

Jamaica. She says she will put the money in my acct. but I will wait to see

if that happens. I do feel like such a sucker. I tried to be nice and look

what happens. The first set of caregivers told me they needed to go to

Montreal on business so I paid them to the sunday even though they were not

due back until then and they left and never came back and I never heard from

them again. Sigh.

>

>I am not entirely unhappy that we need to find another caregiver, just

don't really want to have to go through the process AGAIN and for how long

will this next one last? I don't even know if the one who works during the

week (Theresa) will be able to last much longer as the tension has been

mounting recently. I worry that I might pick the wrong one, that they may

not be kind, or honest and mom can't afford to pay tons of money, yet in

fact, you couldn't pay me enough to do what they do, and she is my mother.

Mom asked me what said she said. I said oh, it really doesn't

matter. She shouldn't have left anyway. I am so glad I had that talk with

the doctor last week about my mom's difficulties in remembering and

understanding a conflict. The point is that even if I told her what she

did/said, she would either deny it, or truly wouldn't remember it. She says

and does things that she cannot own up to, and cannot change behavior as it

is happening.

>

>She simply requires someone who is able to keep their emotions out of it,

and accept that despite the fact that my mom might " get angry, threaten to

tell me, call the police'' etc. that later on she will only remember that

there " was some sort of disagreement' and that she didn't do anything to

cause someone to be upset, that they simply got mad for no reason. Oh and

that it definitely was not her fault. Indeed, what I am looking for is some

sort of " Saint " that will work for next to nothing, have no life, live with

a person who talks to people who don't exist, be willing to be accused of

stealing EVERYTHING, be ordered around by a bitchy old 96 lb. woman who

continually tells them she is their " boss " , have no choice in what you are

watching on tv, be accused of using all the toilet paper, told not to sit on

the new couch " because you're pretty heavy " , and all sorts of other abuse

that no one should have to take and you can't get mad or expect anything to

change because she will simply not remember saying it later. They would be

expected to help when no one asks, but be considered a pest if they are

constantly there helping. They get the lovely job of carrying pee in a pail

and emptying it, disposing of the lovely smelling diaper that mom insists is

" dry " (so they might have to sneak it out), and get the challenge of getting

her to take pills she thinks are poisoning her. Getting her dressed is

another chore that requires more clothes than Walmart sells. Nothing fits

and everywhere you touch her, you hurt her. She thinks you are capable of

nothing and must " teach " you over and over how to do laundry, adjust the

thermostat and even lock the door. It doesn't matter that she no longer is

capable of remembering how to operate these things herself. I can't tell

her to listen to the caregivers and do what they say because they " know "

because she not only wont remember it, she wont believe it.

>

>It's the perfect job for someone, know any takers?

>

>Kath (about to wreck some other poor caregiver's life)

>

>Hope all is going well in your own personal hell...

>

March 29, 2004

Kath, I'm so feeling it for you. I wish I knew what to say but I'm stumped.

How about two caregivers who take shifts? I think you have got to get your

other siblings involved her.

Courage