Re: LONG: those of you who've had a teen... (OT)

[Guest guest]

Oh, Cammie, I wish I did have some advice! I have a son, too, he's 19, and

smart as a whip. It showed on all the testing but he hated doing homework. yet

the teachers could ask him anything during class and he knew the answers. But

his grades suffered b/c he refused to show his knowledge through homework &

such. Frustrating, because I know he is brilliant! He has ADHD and was taking

medication, but right before he turned 18, he quit (without my knowledge) and

things got worse again in school. He tested 11th in our county on CATS tests,

but no one knows he's smart because there's not a record of it. Sad, huh? In

his case, his dad & I (we are divorced but stood strong together on things with

our son) decided to pull him out of school and make him take his GED. He did,

and the lady who graded it told us he needed to be in college with his score

being so high. Okay, he went to Vo-tech school, doing something he loves

(learning about reparing engines, esp diesel), but

after the first semester, he quite. He ran into the same problems. He is

very hands-on (that's the ADHD in him) so it just didn't work. Then he talked

to a Navy recruiter for about six months, I was all prepared to see him off on a

ship, then he met a girl.

Nough said. I have cajoled, begged, pleaded, you name it. I can no longer

tell him what to do (he doesn't live with us anymore and is, after all, over 18)

and nothing works. I have talked to many others about this and they all tell me

that he will find his way in a couple of years. Meantime, that's where we get

the gray hairs!

My daughter is finally speaking to me. I ended up not talking to her, simply

b/c when I did, I got my head bit off. She does see a therapist about her

problems and I try to work with him on this, but I told him the other day that I

still need to feel like I am the parent in this house. So, after a couple of

days of speaking only when needed, she asked me last night if we had anything

sweet in the house. I said no, not unless I make something. So she asked me to

and I did and she told me, Mom these cookies are the bomb, and life was a little

better. Funny how that works, isn't it? She told me she hated me the other

day, and I tried not to let that bother me b/c I figure if she feels that way, I

must be doing something right, lol...

As for the yelling, I try my best not to do it for fear of a flare. Although

I was already in one when this started. It can be made worse by this. It's

funny, I listen to my cat when things get out of hand! Her name is Xena (you

know, Xena the Warrior Kitty???) and when my voice gets too loud, she comes to

me and cries and cries, looking all pitiful, trying to get in my lap and comfort

me. That's when I know I've gone too far, need to calm down, is when the cat

gets involved! True!

I wish you the best and may God help us all who deal with this. I have even

been on the phone with my mother and asked, " Did I ever do that? " she laughs

and we talk. Course, my daughter is going through something I never have.

Losing her dad. She's too young for that. I still have my Dad and can't

imagine as an adult losing him, let alone at 15. Her & her dad haven't talked

in 3 1/2 yrs, so I am trying to get those lines of communication going before

it's to late. I am sure that's what's caused this recent bout of rebellion. My

heart breaks for her, but I have to do what's best. I am seriously considering

dragging her to see him (he is out of state) but would prefer it to be her

choice.

Ahhh, motherhood.... we go through so much. Dad's, too, but Mom's have more

grace and mercy, which makes our job even harder...

Hang in there,

Gail

dr_dork64 wrote:

Gail

I know this response is late but I had to write you. Your posts are

always so poignant for me and hit home and yet make me smile at the

same time. I have a 15 year old son who does similar things. I think

it must be the age. I don't know if I could handle a girl though,

with all their ups and downs (ha....being one I know firsthand!!).

And my kid is very even-keeled and level-headed. But he's the most

outspoken kid I think I've ever met. Even as a baby and a youngster,

he never was afraid to tell the adult in the room that he was RIGHT.

The problem was and is, is that he usually was and is. So, as you can

see, this makes it very difficult for me.... a less even-keeled

parent, who has episodes of rash judgment. His grades have been the

issue for me...seeing that on standardized exams he scores 96-99%

nationally, yet barely gets a 3.0 (and I mean BARELY) at school. So,

I've tried to pull back in the 'scolding' department. I had to make

my rules more consistent (which is hard when I don't feel well, to

enforce those rules). He's responded, but we have a ways to go and he

still challenges me.

I have a friend from high school that I don't keep in contact with but

I hear from other friends that her daughter decided not to follow the

rles at home and was told by mom and step-dad that if she didn't like

them....then leave. She did. And mom didn't cave in. She is 18

though (so this might be really hard to do at 15...but...). Anyway,

even the step dad was worried mom was being too strict. After 2 weeks

of staying at auntie's house or a friend's...she apologized to mom and

vowed to live by mom's rules and moved back home.

In my ramblings, I don't know if I've given you any advice, but if

nothing else...know there's another parent out here in a simlar boat

(and the 'dad' thing isn't much better here either).

I learned that I can't yell at my kids. Literally. When I yell I

flare. Isn't that weird? I can yell and scream for them at their

wrestling matches and I'm good to go...but if I yell out of

frustration or such...I pay for it. I've tried, in a calm, non-

yelling voice to let them know that I can't do that. My part in this,

is that I get stressed by things that seem dumb to them and when they

don't respond, I have to figure out a different way to motivate them

to do what I want.

Ok, your turn to give me some advice...cuz I realized I'm probably

just as frustrated as you.

Your pal in kidville.

Cammie

AGHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Sorry... but that felt good! I truly am at the

point that I do not think I will survive the teen years of my

children. I am currently butting heads with my 15 yr old daughter.

And I am afraid the stress of it all will trigger more symptoms. But

I can't seem to make it all go away.

>

Visit me, your Kay Independent Beauty Consultant (10% of your order will be

donated to the International Still's Disease Foundation)

http://www.marykay.com/glmurphy

__________________________________________________