Guest guest Posted September 9, 2002 Report Share Posted September 9, 2002 In a message dated 9/9/2002 12:15:38 PM Pacific Standard Time, cglover@... writes: > Pretending niceties, giving little gifts (oh we get that a > lot over here... usually as prelude to a moment of clarity speech > that gives her permission to be horrible again) and acting like all > is well again DOES NOT TAKE THE PLACE OF A REAL APOLOGY. > > BIFF BAM BOOM > christine > EXACTLY!! Or how about an apology that is yelled at you, or said sarcastically, etc.!! I used to think that counted, maybe because I wanted it to. Finally I got 'it' and confronted her last time she yelled 'I'm sorry', I said quietly yelling an apology does not count and when you can say it and mean it and deliver it like an adult sincerely, dont every bother saying those words again, and I hung up. That was such a big moment for me, to finally realize that the way an apology is said is just as important as the words. No wonder as a kid, I never felt good when she would apologize, had very confused feelings. peace & love Susie & co. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 9, 2002 Report Share Posted September 9, 2002 > Soon we were ready to go to dinner. All the while, Nada was extremely > cheerful, bantering with the children, keeping up the conversation. > Asking me when I'd come stay with her in Holland, telling me to just get > used to the idea and enjoy it etc. > > She seems completely oblivious (but I know she's not, that's the > nasty part) of how much she's hurting my dad and us. She's clearly riding a big high (and my dad the lowest of lows > ). > > Petra (mailto:Petra@k...) Petra, Mine does these complete 180's too. I hate that. Just like you said, you have to stop yourself from going " this is really not all that bad, maybe I was overreacting. " Something Barb said made me think that she probably is getting a real thrill out of being the center of attention and the primary focus right now! That makes so much sense now that I think about it. When I am the most worried, stressed or upset about my nada that's when she is all happy-go-lucky no problems in the world. That is still hard to deal with for me. The times when I have really been scared for my " mommie " that is when she goes off on her merry way, without a care in the world. Actually, that makes me think of something else, maybe this is their way of getting rid of all the anxiety and fear that goes along with whatever little stunt they are trying to pull! When we are worried and scared, they don't have to be. What a pain.. Glad the dinner went OK though and there were no big outbursts from her in front of you and your kids! I bet you are glad that is out of the way! Take care, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 9, 2002 Report Share Posted September 9, 2002 > > > Soon we were ready to go to dinner. All the while, Nada was > extremely > > cheerful, bantering with the children, keeping up the conversation. > > Asking me when I'd come stay with her in Holland, telling me to > just get > > used to the idea and enjoy it etc. > > > > She seems completely oblivious (but I know she's not, that's the > > nasty part) of how much she's hurting my dad and us. She's clearly > riding a big high (and my dad the lowest of lows > > ). > > > > Petra (mailto:Petra@k...) > > Petra, > Mine does these complete 180's too. I hate that. Just like you > said, you have to stop yourself from going " this is really not all > that bad, maybe I was overreacting. " Something Barb said made me > think that she probably is getting a real thrill out of being the > center of attention and the primary focus right now! That makes so > much sense now that I think about it. When I am the most worried, > stressed or upset about my nada that's when she is all happy-go- lucky > no problems in the world. That is still hard to deal with for me. > The times when I have really been scared for my " mommie " that is when > she goes off on her merry way, without a care in the world. > Actually, that makes me think of something else, maybe this is their > way of getting rid of all the anxiety and fear that goes along with > whatever little stunt they are trying to pull! When we are worried > and scared, they don't have to be. What a pain.. Glad the dinner > went OK though and there were no big outbursts from her in front of > you and your kids! I bet you are glad that is out of the way! Take > care, Yup, the 180s are super confusing. We have to remind ourselves that just because they're being all sweetness and light does not mean that they won't hurt us again. It's a rough place to be bc so few people understand. Even today, my mom called and left a " nice " message for me and I found myself thinking, well maybe I should drop the request for having my feelings validated with an apology, but then I thought... NO. She needs to behave and accept responsibility for her actions. Pretending niceties, giving little gifts (oh we get that a lot over here... usually as prelude to a moment of clarity speech that gives her permission to be horrible again) and acting like all is well again DOES NOT TAKE THE PLACE OF A REAL APOLOGY. BIFF BAM BOOM christine Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 9, 2002 Report Share Posted September 9, 2002 > > > Soon we were ready to go to dinner. All the while, Nada was > extremely > > cheerful, bantering with the children, keeping up the conversation. > > Asking me when I'd come stay with her in Holland, telling me to > just get > > used to the idea and enjoy it etc. > > > > She seems completely oblivious (but I know she's not, that's the > > nasty part) of how much she's hurting my dad and us. She's clearly > riding a big high (and my dad the lowest of lows > > ). > > > > Petra (mailto:Petra@k...) > > Petra, > Mine does these complete 180's too. I hate that. Just like you > said, you have to stop yourself from going " this is really not all > that bad, maybe I was overreacting. " Something Barb said made me > think that she probably is getting a real thrill out of being the > center of attention and the primary focus right now! That makes so > much sense now that I think about it. When I am the most worried, > stressed or upset about my nada that's when she is all happy-go- lucky > no problems in the world. That is still hard to deal with for me. > The times when I have really been scared for my " mommie " that is when > she goes off on her merry way, without a care in the world. > Actually, that makes me think of something else, maybe this is their > way of getting rid of all the anxiety and fear that goes along with > whatever little stunt they are trying to pull! When we are worried > and scared, they don't have to be. What a pain.. Glad the dinner > went OK though and there were no big outbursts from her in front of > you and your kids! I bet you are glad that is out of the way! Take > care, Yup, the 180s are super confusing. We have to remind ourselves that just because they're being all sweetness and light does not mean that they won't hurt us again. It's a rough place to be bc so few people understand. Even today, my mom called and left a " nice " message for me and I found myself thinking, well maybe I should drop the request for having my feelings validated with an apology, but then I thought... NO. She needs to behave and accept responsibility for her actions. Pretending niceties, giving little gifts (oh we get that a lot over here... usually as prelude to a moment of clarity speech that gives her permission to be horrible again) and acting like all is well again DOES NOT TAKE THE PLACE OF A REAL APOLOGY. BIFF BAM BOOM christine Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 9, 2002 Report Share Posted September 9, 2002 In a message dated 9/9/2002 5:41:45 PM Pacific Standard Time, cglover@... writes: > I will have to practice the quiet answer to a sarcastic apology that > you just shared... that's if I ever get one from her. My brother is > going to my Dad's memorial and he said he's just playing by > her " rules " long enough to say goodbye the way he wants to and then > he's playing it his way. I say good for him. > > > yes. good for your brother, because it is important to say good bye the way he wants. I had to laugh when you said you would practice the quiet comment about apologies to use if you ever get one...lol... thought to myself..well from my experience..dont hold you breath:-) Susie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 9, 2002 Report Share Posted September 9, 2002 In a message dated 9/9/2002 6:05:01 PM Pacific Standard Time, cglover@... writes: > yes she's delivering her > husband's eulogy... the one woman melodrama continues. > > oh my... maybe she will be trying for an oscar :-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 9, 2002 Report Share Posted September 9, 2002 > In a message dated 9/9/2002 12:15:38 PM Pacific Standard Time, > cglover@c... writes: > > > > Pretending niceties, giving little gifts (oh we get that a > > lot over here... usually as prelude to a moment of clarity speech > > that gives her permission to be horrible again) and acting like all > > is well again DOES NOT TAKE THE PLACE OF A REAL APOLOGY. > > > > BIFF BAM BOOM > > christine > > > > EXACTLY!! > > Or how about an apology that is yelled at you, or said sarcastically, etc.!! > I used to think that counted, maybe because I wanted it to. > > Finally I got 'it' and confronted her last time she yelled 'I'm sorry', I > said quietly yelling an apology does not count and when you can say it and > mean it and deliver it like an adult sincerely, dont every bother saying > those words again, and I hung up. > > That was such a big moment for me, to finally realize that the way an apology > is said is just as important as the words. > > No wonder as a kid, I never felt good when she would apologize, had very > confused feelings. > > peace & love Susie & co. I will have to practice the quiet answer to a sarcastic apology that you just shared... that's if I ever get one from her. My brother is going to my Dad's memorial and he said he's just playing by her " rules " long enough to say goodbye the way he wants to and then he's playing it his way. I say good for him. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 9, 2002 Report Share Posted September 9, 2002 > In a message dated 9/9/2002 5:41:45 PM Pacific Standard Time, cglover@c... > writes: > > > > I will have to practice the quiet answer to a sarcastic apology that > > you just shared... that's if I ever get one from her. My brother is > > going to my Dad's memorial and he said he's just playing by > > her " rules " long enough to say goodbye the way he wants to and then > > he's playing it his way. I say good for him. > > > > > > > > yes. good for your brother, because it is important to say good bye the way > he wants. > > I had to laugh when you said you would practice the quiet comment about > apologies to use if you ever get one...lol... thought to myself..well from my > experience..dont hold you breath:-) Susie > > Yup, I don't think I'll ever get that apology, but it's a fun trying LOL... blue face just doesn't work for my look Oh, I wish I could be a fly on the wall at that Memorial when nada gets up to give her eulogy for Dad... yes she's delivering her husband's eulogy... the one woman melodrama continues. I don't envy my brother and his family the trip they're making this week. I am sooo glad I went to see my dad in person this summer so I could say goodbye in person without HER being there to interfere (out running " errands " ... thank God!). Whew. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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