Re: love

[Guest guest]

Dear Heidi,

How about...

*Men can love more than one woman at once.

*P. can love more than one woman at once.

*Men can love more than one me at once (as in, I don't always have to

be the same, consistent person in order to be loved and lovable).

*I can love more than one woman at once (all of my " selves " -- loving,

jealous and possessive, neurotic, consistent, etc.)

*I can love everyone all at once!

*I can love P. even if I never see him again.

Love, Carol

> TA I can love more than one man at once.

> (I am love.)

> I can love more than one me at once.

>

> Any other turn arounds? Core beliefs? Feedback? Your experience

[Guest guest]

Heidi wrote:

> >Dear Ones,

> >

> >I've heard, and hear, that it's best to cut ties completely when

> >breaking up. The thought of cutting off my friendship with P is very

> >stressful to me and so this morning i inquired into my belief that i

> >can't love more than one man at once. I'd love to hear of others'

> >experiences in this area. Being one who has tended toward the

> >possessive and jealous side while in relationship, it's interesting

> >for me to explore being open like this. Here's my inquiry work.

> >

> > " I can't love more than one man at once. "

> >

> >1. I've been told and have believed it.

> >

> >2. No, I can't absolutely know that it's true.

Sweet Heidi,

I went through this when Gio and I first met. I left CA and went back to FL.

We had *split up* at that point, and because I had heard, and believed, the

same thing that you did...about cutting off all communication with the person

you break up with, I tried to do it. I tried to ignore my thoughts of him, I

tried to stop loving him, I tried not to be reminded of him... and guess

what? Trying not to love him was way more violent than letting myself love

him. I would lay in bed crying, practically shouting at myself in my head,

saying that I hated that I loved him so much and couldn't get rid of it.

(Hating that I loved someone! Talk about confused!) Trying to ignore my

thoughts of him...was impossible...in fact it made me think of him more!! --

and not in a peaceful way. My thoughts about him turned into thoughts that

haunted me...even though they were thoughts of loving him.

This topic actually sparked the first piece of Work that I did that was a

major ah-ha for me. My judgment was: **I shouldn't talk to Giovanni because

I'll keep loving him and we can't be together. (something like that)

Ultimately, I realized that whether we were talking or not...we still weren't

together physically...and I was still loving him. And that was my worst fear

-- the reason why I didn't want to communicate with him... " Oh no.. I don't

want to talk with him because I'll keep loving him and we won't be together. "

Helllllooooo! It was already happening...and I was totally surviving it. As

far as I was concerned it couldn't get worse than that...so it could only get

better!

So I saw that if I wanted to talk with him...I could call him. I noticed what

my reasons for calling him were...was it to give him some kind of guilt trip?

Did I have something to clarify? Was I just going to cry the entire time? Do

I want to say Hi and see what's up? I could look at my reasons for wanting to

call ...and then call him...or not. Sometimes I would just pick up the phone

without thinking about why I was doing it. I was free enough to do that

again! I loved realizing that I could give myself the option of talking to

him instead of having this rule that I have to wipe him from my memory if I'm

ever going to heal from this break up.

You said that it was stressful for you to think about cutting off

communication with P. So how about doing some inquiry with that one

specifically?

**I need to cut off all communication with P.

**If I don't cut off all communication with P, this will happen.

**Cutting off all communication will make me feel better.

**Time heals all wounds.

**After we don't talk for a while, then it will be OK for us to communicate

again.

Loving you,

*mona

[Guest guest]

Maybe cutting ties completely doesn't have to mean permanently. I am friends

with my last ex, and we had a year or so apart before we tried to hang out

again. I notice I drift out of contact with him when his girlfriend is in

town, and I don't tell him much about P. We'll never be friends like we once

were, and I'm okay with it.

Love,

Bev

> love

>

>

> Dear Ones,

>

> I've heard, and hear, that it's best to cut ties completely when

> breaking up. The thought of cutting off my friendship with P is very

> stressful to me and so this morning i inquired into my belief that i

> can't love more than one man at once. I'd love to hear of others'

> experiences in this area. Being one who has tended toward the

> possessive and jealous side while in relationship, it's interesting

> for me to explore being open like this. Here's my inquiry work.

>

> " I can't love more than one man at once. "

>

> 1. I've been told and have believed it.

>

> 2. No, I can't absolutely know that it's true.

>

> 3. When i believe this thought i feel i need neat and tidy little

> categories for everyone and everything, careful definitions. I am

> afraid of my feelings and thoughts. When i'm in a relationship and

> believe this, I become very possessive and clingy in my love,

> jealous, believing love of the opposite sex is a zero sum thing. I

> supress or feel guilty about anything that doesn't fit neatly into my

> pre-determined boxes. Love is limited. There's only so much love in

> me and i need to guard it carefully so that it doesn't run out and so

> i spend it only on the best people. (What a sad belief!) When i

> believe this i think i need to sever my relationship with P

> completely in order to keep things neat and tidy even though my heart

> loves him and wants us to remain lovingly in each other's lives. I

> tell myself i won't be able to move on and be open to another

> relationship if P is in my life and i love him. [belief: Love is all

> or nothing.] Fear. Fear that new relationship(s) will feel threatened

> by my love and friendship with P, as i have felt in the past about

> P's relationships with exes and friends that are women. Feel i need

> to control and figure everything out in order for my future to be

> happy.

>

> 4. Without the thought that i can't love more than one man at once

> i'd be present right now, noticing a deep love and care for P and a

> deep sadness over no longer being romantic lovers. I would honor all

> that is in me, giving it all space and love to be. I would notice my

> fears. I would have compassion for " the me " who feels she needs to

> have orderly categories for everything and everyone, including the

> love in her heart. I would love the scared me and hold her. I would

> love all the parts of me (i.e., stories, ego, beliefs...) and thank

> them for sharing their life with me.

> Without the belief that i can only love one man at once i might not

> size up all men as potential mates or lovers but see them as fellow

> travelers with me in this life. I would be much more open to

> receiving love from so many more sources. I wouldn't close myself off

> so quickly in fear. No need to protect my Self. Maybe (someday!) no

> Self to protect! I'd BE love, gratitude. Present. My eyes would be

> more open without the protective shades of fear and future.

>

> TA I can love more than one man at once.

> (I am love.)

> I can love more than one me at once.

>

> Any other turn arounds? Core beliefs? Feedback? Your experience?

>

> Thanks for reading, and responding, if you feel so moved.

>

> Love to all,

>

> Heidi

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I like carols answer... I do still love an old boyfriend i will most likely

not see again..

but I think about on occasion..

But since we are love.. you never lose love... it only appears that we can

lose a loved one... all the romantic music eludes to that... and everything

we are taught.--

I used to think I was unloved.... and played the victim and played the self

pity tapes over and over --it was fun in a weird way but got to be a habit

and I was not a happy camper ..

In reality we never have more or less love than anyone else... ... love is

inside and never leaves us.. we are love... expressing through this form

now... .(.I'm reminding myself... .) love, roslyn

[Guest guest]

Heidi

My best and most trusted friend is my ex-gf. I never cut ties with

her. I love her dearly and we lean on each other when we need to.

What you wrote, sounded to me like someone else's rules. For me, I

was able to leave with love and that made all the difference in the

world.

Steve

> Dear Ones,

>

> I've heard, and hear, that it's best to cut ties completely when

> breaking up. The thought of cutting off my friendship with P is

very

> stressful to me and so this morning i inquired into my belief that i

[Guest guest]

Dear Steve,

Yes, " needing to cut the ties, " seems to be many other people's rule. I am

finding that keeping a friendship with P feels peaceful and like my heart's

desire. It is only when i start getting afraid about the future, entertaining

stressful what-ifs about finding a mate and what future relationships will think

of my friendship with P that i think the thought that maybe i should cut the

relationship off completely.

It is amazing how much my relationship with P--over the years we were together,

over our months apart last year, our 3 months together again, and now our

parting romantically--have taught me about myself and love. The work is just

amazing and has so much to do with that learning! I have questioned things that

i used to think were absolute rules that any " normal " person would live by. What

i have begun to discover about love and openess and truth and integrity would

have freaked me out 4 years ago. What freedom is unfolding.

And even as i write that i feel the need to guard myself, to not sound too good!

I am aware that i often feel in deep pain these days--sadness and fear and

uncertainty... But there is also an awareness, ever-growing, that this is all

for my highest good, just opening me up to more and more love, love that has

always been there all around me but that i was blind to b/c my love filters were

so narrow and fear-based.

I'm rambling now... Thanks again, Steve. I love hearing that your ex is your

best and most trusted friend. I like the story it allows me to tell myself about

me and P.

Love,

Heidi

> Heidi

> My best and most trusted friend is my ex-gf. I never cut ties with

> her. I love her dearly and we lean on each other when we need to.

>

> What you wrote, sounded to me like someone else's rules. For me, I

> was able to leave with love and that made all the difference in the

> world.

>

> Steve

>

> -

[Guest guest]

Thank you, mona. The most loving thing i seem to be able to do for myself in

terms of P these days is to just observe the range of feelings i'm having,

investigate some of the painful beliefs, and make no rules of what i should or

shouldn't do. I am beginning to observe that a lot of rules in my life have been

put there out of fear. When i live in my integrity and listen to my heart, do i

really need any rules? Rules for myself really seem to have all to do with

trying to control my life. Maybe i am allowing my new relationship with

P--non-sexual friendship--to unfold without my needing to hang on tightly and

define and analyze everything. Oh, i am not saying that there is no analyzing

going on, but the process--more and more--seems to be doing me, whatever i do or

say.

P and i parted ways in love. Why would our new path not also unfold in love?

Heidi

" ...and because I had heard, and believed, the same thing that you did...about

cutting off all communication with the person you break up with, I tried to do

it. I tried to ignore my thoughts of him, I tried to stop loving him, I tried

not to be reminded of him...

[Guest guest]

>

> P and i parted ways in love. Why would our new path not also unfold

in love?

>

> Heidi

>

I loved BKs explanation of how she and her husband parted. (Taken

from BK Pacific Sun article)

" Your old husband, your former husband, used to yell at you and

eventually you decided to leave him...

But I didn't leave him because he yelled at me. He would say, " You

don't love me. " Well, that is the woman he thought he was married to.

I loved him with all my heart; what did that have to do with it? This

is his story he is living. " You don't ever want to stay with me. "

Well, I'm traveling the world. And I would say, " Sweetheart, I do

want to stay with you. I love you, and I know to do this other

thing. " And he would think, " If you loved me you would stay. " So here

is what it gets down to: He is married to a woman who doesn't love

him, a woman who doesn't care, a woman who cannot wait to leave him,

a woman who is insensitive, a woman who is not there for him. So if

you loved someone, what would you do?

You mean, leave him?

Of course. I spared him from that woman. Even though I was not that

woman. "

If only all separations were that enlightened

Take care ...

[Guest guest]

Wow, that story makes me feel all lovey, cozy and filled up inside.

I can't wipe the smile off my face.

Love,

Bev

zenbear quoting BK:

> Of course. I spared him from that woman. Even though I was not that

> woman. "

>

> If only all separations were that enlightened

>

> Take care ...

>

>

>