We don't need no stinkin' Boundaries...NOT

[Guest guest]

When I first heard the word boundaries about 16 years ago at my first 12step

meeting, I thought they were talking about realestate lines, property lines,

boundary of a property, etc.

I was so messed up and in denial as to what my nada did to me and continued

to do to me, I was clueless about the emotional boundary. It took me a few

months to figure it out and when I did I laughed out loud at the meeting,

then had to share why I was laughing and how long it took for me to 'get it'.

I can laugh at that now. Before I would've felt shame.

I realize that with the nada I did make an occasional effort to have healthy

boundaries even though I was not aware of it. These attempts were met with

the reaction of anger, 'how dare I', don't ever talk to me that way', I am

your MOTHER, you have to respect me, and one of the funniest to me now, but

not then, was 'I nursed a viper in my bosom'!! Oh my, did she get that from

Shakespeare or what?!?

When I was much younger and at home, any attempt to have a teeny tiny, gentle

boundary was met with physical abuse, and convincing me how I was the worst

child any parent ever had.

Her favorite 'I am your mother and you HAVE to respect me', was not meant in

the healthy way a parent needs their young children to respect them as

parents, and to follow their rules for safety, etc.

It meant I had to grovel before her, placate her, etc. allow her to do/say

anything w/o making a peep. No crying, no feelings, rtc. on my part were

ever permitted.

Finally when I was around 55, and getting a bit more of a clue, and would

gently exert a bounday(which from her reaction was tantamount to me

threatening to kill her), all H*ll would break loose!! It was as if I was

poster child for s*tan.

It was like in her mind that " 'We' dont need no stinkin' boundaries', but

she could have boundaries like the wall of china!!

So from the time I questioned her theory that since she was my mother at age

55 that she did not automatically get respect, and that she most certainly

did not deserve more respect than I did, it has never been settled, and

whenever she brought it up, I would not give an inch on it.

Actually the respect I wanted was no more than she would give a complete

stranger in a grocery store, etc. But even that was too much for her to

give.

On the other hand, she expects me to put up with her tirades,v erbal,

emotional abuse, etc. and she refuses to have a fair/adult discussion about

anything.

I gained a great deal of self respect for myself when I refused to give up my

power/respect and allow her to romp all over me, while giving me no repsect

at all.

Boy!! This was not easy in the beginning, and again, I was stuck with the

feelings of beeing the worst child in the world, etc. But keeping it up,

finally started to feel good, and then onto feeling good about myself.:-)

Susie & Co.