Re: Showing Affection/Sondra?

[Guest guest]

Yes, thank you SO very much Sondra.

In a message dated 1/19/2007 5:46:39 P.M. Eastern Standard Time,

gldcst@... writes:

Dear Sondra,

thank you so much for your insight. I hope this doesn't make you confused or

feel bad but I really cried when I read your words.

<<Showing affection is of not natural to me even though married I to

rarily ever show any signs of affection without a prompt or cue to do

so.>>

will actually give me a little hug or let me kiss her if I prompt her

and I often wonder if I am intruding too much by doing this. You sound as if

this might be tolerable for her. She is just so cute and still looks like a

little baby to me. And she does comply without complaint. I guess I have

trained her to do it. But it does make me happy. And she certainly has trained

me

to do many things for her!

<<It is not within me to have of this desire to show of physical

touch to others as it the touch of others in affection is really a

non verbal language that is hard for me to read and interpret it. Yet

can accept hugs from childrens and or kisses to the check from them

as to me have processed this is the nature of little kids to do this.>>

THis really helps me alot. I thank you for sharing it.

<<I to also want to share even though do not show of affection in the

ways others expect of the real of life as the normal approach to

affection does not equate I to not have of it within me to care and

feel towards another person some level of connections to them. I to

even have such a strong love and respect love to some in the life of

me that the feelings of them is so strong and overwhelming it can

cause of me to feel agitated to the inner thinking as if the feelings

are of too strong and I to not have ability to get them out because

they build like a volcano about to erupt and yet the rumbling if you

will of the feelings build and in this building it creates an

unsettled feel of agitations because the barier of what I to feel and

such is blocked from sorting and coming out in good timing.>>

This is very valuable information for me. I have always wondered why one or

two times just before a surgery when was given versed (a

tranquilizer-This is very valuable information for me. I have always wondered

why one or

two times just before a surgery when was given versed (a

tranquilizer-<WBR>sedative) she for the first time looked at me and T

<<You may need to do what the husband of me does and simply ask of her

for hug and explain to her what a hug does for you and why people hug

and such ,maybe she is not aware of the impact affection is for some

in life. to me I to feel awareness is of key. If I to know and can

understand of things then can work on changing of things within me to

support those in the life of me of their needs too. but even to this

day cant hug unless asked to hug.>>

Thanks Sondra, I will continue to ask her for hugs (not demand them). I do

try to explain to her about loving her and all but I doubt that she

understands the concept cognitively. I really appreciate your ability to share

and

educate us about our own children.

Sherry

sondra

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[Guest guest]

Showing affection is of not natural to me even though married I to

rarily ever show any signs of affection without a prompt or cue to do

so. It is not within me to have of this desire to show of physical

touch to others as it the touch of others in affection is really a

non verbal language that is hard for me to read and interpret it. Yet

can accept hugs from childrens and or kisses to the check from them

as to me have processed this is the nature of little kids to do this.

I to also be to give of affections much so to my grand baby Delaney.

Somethings about her makes of me want to be of close and to kiss of

her neck , checks and face much so. Maybe it if the love I to feel

towards her but lack if that is of the reason for such shows of

affections to her because it has to be much so on my own terms of

wanting to seek of it. cant always be to feel affection to her and

sometimes she is of my office space playing and playing and neither

of us interact or show of real interest but she will when ready crawl

over to me and or me to her, we connect ever so brief and then back

to the play. I to check on her with eyes looking at her to assure she

is of safe every few minutes as I to work on the computer in the same

room. she is with me right now in my room.

I to also want to share even though do not show of affection in the

ways others expect of the real of life as the normal approach to

affection does not equate I to not have of it within me to care and

feel towards another person some level of connections to them. I to

even have such a strong love and respect love to some in the life of

me that the feelings of them is so strong and overwhelming it can

cause of me to feel agitated to the inner thinking as if the feelings

are of too strong and I to not have ability to get them out because

they build like a volcano about to erupt and yet the rumbling if you

will of the feelings build and in this building it creates an

unsettled feel of agitations because the barier of what I to feel and

such is blocked from sorting and coming out in good timing.

This year at national I to plan to see if can try to sell of some of

my posters I to be of creating and will for those who attend to see

have within me profound thinking on life and peoples as a whole and

as humanity but lack understanding of them as individuals.

You may need to do what the husband of me does and simply ask of her

for hug and explain to her what a hug does for you and why people hug

and such ,maybe she is not aware of the impact affection is for some

in life. to me I to feel awareness is of key. If I to know and can

understand of things then can work on changing of things within me to

support those in the life of me of their needs too. but even to this

day cant hug unless asked to hug.

sondra

[Guest guest]

Dear Sondra,

thank you so much for your insight. I hope this doesn't make you confused or

feel bad but I really cried when I read your words.

<<Showing affection is of not natural to me even though married I to

rarily ever show any signs of affection without a prompt or cue to do

so.>>

will actually give me a little hug or let me kiss her if I prompt her and

I often wonder if I am intruding too much by doing this. You sound as if this

might be tolerable for her. She is just so cute and still looks like a little

baby to me. And she does comply without complaint. I guess I have trained her to

do it. But it does make me happy. And she certainly has trained me to do many

things for her!

<<It is not within me to have of this desire to show of physical

touch to others as it the touch of others in affection is really a

non verbal language that is hard for me to read and interpret it. Yet

can accept hugs from childrens and or kisses to the check from them

as to me have processed this is the nature of little kids to do this.>>

THis really helps me alot. I thank you for sharing it.

<<I to also want to share even though do not show of affection in the

ways others expect of the real of life as the normal approach to

affection does not equate I to not have of it within me to care and

feel towards another person some level of connections to them. I to

even have such a strong love and respect love to some in the life of

me that the feelings of them is so strong and overwhelming it can

cause of me to feel agitated to the inner thinking as if the feelings

are of too strong and I to not have ability to get them out because

they build like a volcano about to erupt and yet the rumbling if you

will of the feelings build and in this building it creates an

unsettled feel of agitations because the barier of what I to feel and

such is blocked from sorting and coming out in good timing.>>

This is very valuable information for me. I have always wondered why one or two

times just before a surgery when was given versed (a

tranquilizer-sedative) she for the first time looked at me and said " Awwwwwww "

(her version of I love you). and wanted me to hug her....perhaps the reduction

in anxiety allowed her to not be afraid to show affection????

<<You may need to do what the husband of me does and simply ask of her

for hug and explain to her what a hug does for you and why people hug

and such ,maybe she is not aware of the impact affection is for some

in life. to me I to feel awareness is of key. If I to know and can

understand of things then can work on changing of things within me to

support those in the life of me of their needs too. but even to this

day cant hug unless asked to hug.>>

Thanks Sondra, I will continue to ask her for hugs (not demand them). I do try

to explain to her about loving her and all but I doubt that she understands the

concept cognitively. I really appreciate your ability to share and educate us

about our own children.

Sherry

sondra

Autism_in_Girls-subscribe

------------------------

Autism_in_Girls-unsubscribe

[Guest guest]

--- sondra wrote:

> This year at national I to plan to see if can try to

> sell of some of

> my posters I to be of creating and will for those

> who attend to see

> have within me profound thinking on life and peoples

> as a whole and

> as humanity but lack understanding of them as

> individuals.

>

Will you be selling them anywhere else? I cannot go to

National this year (money. But I'm going to be at

another, totally non autism related commitment in Ohio

shortly before. This makes me giggle since I know you

are in or near Ohio!) but I would love to buy one if

possible. Your work has done great things for many

people in helping them understand autism and

themselves. I'm going to miss seeing you this year at

ASA, but I just can't do the desert, and can't afford

it.

And to the original poster, I wish I could help but I

was always a hugger-lover. I LOVE deep squishy hugs,

and since I can't always express " you're my friend (or

'a good friend') " or " I love you " or " I like having

you around " or whatever in WORDS, hugs do the talking.

PLUS they help with sensory overload, when applied

with the proper amount of force-in my case a LOT. I

was this little 120 pound gymnast going through this

religious retreat that has a point that involves a LOT

of hugs, this one guy there is known for crushing

people, and he gave me the football player

pick-up-and-shake, and I was like " is THAT all?? " .

Poor guy...

What your daughter needs, we can only guess...and

there are a zillion guesses and it's possible that

NONE are right. I wish there was an easy answer. Some

people just don't like hugs, whether gentle or tight,

long or brief.

Kassiane

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

Get your own web address.

Have a HUGE year through Yahoo! Small Business.

http://smallbusiness.yahoo.com/domains/?p=BESTDEAL

[Guest guest]

Kassi where in Ohio will you be of at?

Sondra

In Autism_in_Girls , Kassi

wrote:

>

>

> --- sondra wrote:

>

> > This year at national I to plan to see if can try to

> > sell of some of

> > my posters I to be of creating and will for those

> > who attend to see

> > have within me profound thinking on life and peoples

> > as a whole and

> > as humanity but lack understanding of them as

> > individuals.

> >

>

> Will you be selling them anywhere else? I cannot go to

> National this year (money. But I'm going to be at

> another, totally non autism related commitment in Ohio

> shortly before. This makes me giggle since I know you

> are in or near Ohio!) but I would love to buy one if

> possible. Your work has done great things for many

> people in helping them understand autism and

> themselves. I'm going to miss seeing you this year at

> ASA, but I just can't do the desert, and can't afford

> it.

>

> And to the original poster, I wish I could help but I

> was always a hugger-lover. I LOVE deep squishy hugs,

> and since I can't always express " you're my friend (or

> 'a good friend') " or " I love you " or " I like having

> you around " or whatever in WORDS, hugs do the talking.

> PLUS they help with sensory overload, when applied

> with the proper amount of force-in my case a LOT. I

> was this little 120 pound gymnast going through this

> religious retreat that has a point that involves a LOT

> of hugs, this one guy there is known for crushing

> people, and he gave me the football player

> pick-up-and-shake, and I was like " is THAT all?? " .

> Poor guy...

>

> What your daughter needs, we can only guess...and

> there are a zillion guesses and it's possible that

> NONE are right. I wish there was an easy answer. Some

> people just don't like hugs, whether gentle or tight,

> long or brief.

>

> Kassiane

>

>

>

>

______________________________________________________________________

______________

> Get your own web address.

> Have a HUGE year through Yahoo! Small Business.

> http://smallbusiness.yahoo.com/domains/?p=BESTDEAL

>

[Guest guest]

Kassi expresses a valid point at teh end of this post....and I to

usually share of this too but forgotted to say of it please all parents

remember each of us is of unique in our own presentaions of the autism

because we are of humans first so everything we here share on spectrum

is of from our OWN perspectives and thinking and is not meant to be of

a set given in all cases of autism, as we are not a mold but

individuals so what we share might not even be of close to what you own

child is of experiencing.>

Kassi I to also will be to miss of you as now have of familar to you

and not afraid of you anymore. I to use to be as not understood of

youmuch and so it took of time to get to a place for me to understand

you mean me no harm at all and have of triggers that cause you to feel

of threatened by the cure words. I to also be to seen of growth in you

over the last few years at having more control over you trigger words.

I to plan to go to national this year and the brother of me will attend

of this too with me and the husband of me and the two youngest

childrens of me. but they will all be to do sight seeing and me I will

be to do conference. I to also plan to be to work on my second book

which is way over due to be of writed and so will be to work on that

and then on july 21 -29 will go to north myrtle beach areas to finish

working of the book for me and so will hope to have of it ready if not

get so overwhelmed and destroy of it as have done of this 2 x now and

so now will get it done and quickly email of it to the gray center for

back up coverage of the work on it.

I to be of not feeling well and we had of the flu in the home and this

evening have of the nausea and so will need to rest but love being here

this night as it is of chatty here and so keeps of my brain off

thinking of not feeling well in the tummy of me.

I to also wanted to share this day was of contacted by the national ASA

to see ofmy interest to serve on a newly formed advisory board for the

board itself. and so I to be of interested in seeking out what work it

will be. I to keep of much busy for fear if not stay strong connected

the real of life will be to retreat back to strong self isolations and

not be to want to ever leave of the house of me and be as was before...

not that, that is such a bad things but it leaves me isolated in ways

that if need comes it does not support a reaching out to supports but a

closing off and places of me at risk to not survive of this life. So

even though it is of much work for me to do this work I to need to as a

life line to the real of people in life as a means to survive and grow

in life. I ti still prefer my own island with no people just animlas

and things I to enjoy and my computer with on line services LOL. the

husband of me and kids of me can sail aroudn the island on a yacht and

whenI to want to visit of them can raise of the safe flag for them to

come aboard the island. LOL

What your daughter needs, we can only guess...and

> there are a zillion guesses and it's possible that

> NONE are right. I wish there was an easy answer. Some

> people just don't like hugs, whether gentle or tight,

> long or brief.

>

> Kassiane

[Guest guest]

<<What your daughter needs, we can only guess...and

there are a zillion guesses and it's possible that

NONE are right. I wish there was an easy answer. Some

people just don't like hugs, whether gentle or tight,

long or brief. Kassiane>>

Kassiane, yes I agree....I don't plan to generalize or to compare my child with

anyone else. I just like to seek " possible " explanations from those more likely

to know than I and to consider the possiblities. I appreciate your input...HUGS

to you!, Sherry

[Guest guest]

I think it was Temple Grandin who said she had a birthday party when

she was 8 or so. Being under the dining room table was the best place

on earth to her, so she went under the table to show everyone how

happy she was over the party. To everyone else she was being rude &

anti-social, but to her she was demonstrating affection toward them all.

Maybe if your daughter is doing her happy activities near you it's to

show you her happiness? I dunno, just brainstorming.

I sometimes make Allie come sit with me, but she's a cuddler so it's

not real difficult for her. She also has a preference for different

scents, so perhaps if you daughter really loves how something smells

it will draw her close to you.

HTH,

Debi

[Guest guest]

I'll be in Columbus the first weekend for a

convention, with a friend from England. She also has

autism but is physically intimidating (but is

harmless! Just very tall and has a large skeleton with

a lot of meat on it!) and she asked me to be her

roommate at a fantasy & role playing game convention.

I love all things fantasy so I signed right up (plus I

get to go for almost free).

Kassiane

--- sondra wrote:

> Kassi where in Ohio will you be of at?

> Sondra

>

> In Autism_in_Girls , Kassi

>

> wrote:

> >

> >

> > --- sondra wrote:

> >

> > > This year at national I to plan to see if can

> try to

> > > sell of some of

> > > my posters I to be of creating and will for

> those

> > > who attend to see

> > > have within me profound thinking on life and

> peoples

> > > as a whole and

> > > as humanity but lack understanding of them as

> > > individuals.

> > >

> >

> > Will you be selling them anywhere else? I cannot

> go to

> > National this year (money. But I'm going to be at

> > another, totally non autism related commitment in

> Ohio

> > shortly before. This makes me giggle since I know

> you

> > are in or near Ohio!) but I would love to buy one

> if

> > possible. Your work has done great things for many

> > people in helping them understand autism and

> > themselves. I'm going to miss seeing you this year

> at

> > ASA, but I just can't do the desert, and can't

> afford

> > it.

> >

> > And to the original poster, I wish I could help

> but I

> > was always a hugger-lover. I LOVE deep squishy

> hugs,

> > and since I can't always express " you're my friend

> (or

> > 'a good friend') " or " I love you " or " I like

> having

> > you around " or whatever in WORDS, hugs do the

> talking.

> > PLUS they help with sensory overload, when applied

> > with the proper amount of force-in my case a LOT.

> I

> > was this little 120 pound gymnast going through

> this

> > religious retreat that has a point that involves a

> LOT

> > of hugs, this one guy there is known for crushing

> > people, and he gave me the football player

> > pick-up-and-shake, and I was like " is THAT all?? " .

> > Poor guy...

> >

> > What your daughter needs, we can only guess...and

> > there are a zillion guesses and it's possible that

> > NONE are right. I wish there was an easy answer.

> Some

> > people just don't like hugs, whether gentle or

> tight,

> > long or brief.

> >

> > Kassiane

> >

> >

> >

> >

>

______________________________________________________________________

> ______________

> > Get your own web address.

> > Have a HUGE year through Yahoo! Small Business.

> > http://smallbusiness.yahoo.com/domains/?p=BESTDEAL

> >

>

>

>

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

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[Guest guest]

<<so perhaps if you daughter really loves how something smells

it will draw her close to you.>>

Like poop you mean?? sorry just kidding. couldn't resist. Perhaps I could smear

myself with french fry grease....she can't eat them but maybe she will like me

better? (or bite me?)

Sherry

[Guest guest]

debi yes the going under table sounds like the way I to react too as a

child to emotional surging and not know what to do with the strong

feelings and cant name or interpret the feeling I to be of having. my

ways to show of connection or happy was not like others either.

Sondra

[Guest guest]

ROLFLMBO!!!!

Debi

>

> <<so perhaps if you daughter really loves how something smells

> it will draw her close to you.>>

>

> Like poop you mean?? sorry just kidding. couldn't resist. Perhaps I

could smear myself with french fry grease....she can't eat them but

maybe she will like me better? (or bite me?)

> Sherry

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

OK, what does that stand for??? Marie

>

> ROLFLMBO!!!!

>

> Debi

>

>

> >

> > <<so perhaps if you daughter really loves how something smells

> > it will draw her close to you.>>

> >

> > Like poop you mean?? sorry just kidding. couldn't resist. Perhaps I

> could smear myself with french fry grease....she can't eat them but

> maybe she will like me better? (or bite me?)

> > Sherry

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Hi Sherry,

I wanted to address your post about your . I can really relate to

this. My daughter doesn't like hugs, and never has. When she gained enough

language and began to learn to " advocate for yourself " ) the label I gave what

she

works so hard on) , she began sometimes telling me to go away, to move away if

I was too close. Sometimes " to close " is in the same room! She needs her

space and I am very proud that she has begun to learn what she needs and tell

me.

Sometimes she can't tell me, most of the time she can't tell others. But

though I am really happy she is working on advocating for herself and I do

accept,

love and respect her for just who she is, she is my ONLY child. I admit that

one of the things that makes me wistful is seeing other babies/kids seek out

their Mom's arms and want to hug and be close and also want to share their love

with words that those of us in the " NT " sphere understand. It used to be

really hard sometimes and it still pulls at me a bit, though I just acknowledge

and accept the feelings and then try to turn my attention to all the fantastic

things my relationship with my daughter holds that many others can't know.

Also, my Em does have her ways to express desire to be with me and desire to

talk

about things, and this has increased with growth ( hers and mine!) and I do

understand more. I would never want to make her uncomfortable and so while I do

ask for hugs sometimes ( and she complies, in her way....tolerates me and

them!), I try not to push it on her too much. She has in the last year or so

come

to like what she calls " snuggling in the bed " , which means my bed, with

clothes on and during the day. Sometimes with me and sometimes without.

Sometimes

she even invites my husband. This is a time when she wants to do her silly talk

and ask silly questions and get exactly the right answer; repetitive stuff

that calms her and she enjoys. " Snuggling " means she is at one side of the King

size bed and I am either on the other side or in the middle, with pillows and

blankets in between. Sometimes she will like me to touch her face or arm with

my long hair. And while it isn't what most would call intimate affection, is

FEELS like that kind of connection because....well, because for her I think it

is. And so I find some of my neurotypical need for mother-child bonding happens

at those times. Also....on Mother's Day year before last she was not feeling

well, a bit feverish and coming down with a bad cold. WE were at a gathering

at my mother's house. Em let me sit RIGHT next to her, wrap a blanket around

the two of us, and she rested her head against my shoulder. This lasted about

12-15 minutes, the longest time I have ever had that kind of contact with her

since she was a nursing babe. I am sorry she didn't feel well, but that she let

me hold her that way was incredible. After about five minutes I looked around

to see if anyone else noticed, and nobody did. I wordlessly pointed out what

was happening and asked someone to take a picture, which is still on my

refrigerator. Best Mother's Day gift ever, my child allowing me to experience

what

for me is a natural representation of mother-child love,. even though for her

it is not.

Sorry for this rambling post, but wanted to share. My girl is very

patient with me!

Melinda

[Guest guest]

So very beautiful! Thank you Melinda!

In a message dated 1/20/2007 7:18:59 A.M. Eastern Standard Time,

EbuyerMTC@... writes:

Hi Sherry,

I wanted to address your post about your . I can really relate to

this. My daughter doesn't like hugs, and never has. When she gained enough

language and began to learn to " advocate for yourself " ) the label I gave

what she

works so hard on) , she began sometimes telling me to go away, to move away

if

I was too close. Sometimes " to close " is in the same room! She needs her

space and I am very proud that she has begun to learn what she needs and

tell me.

Sometimes she can't tell me, most of the time she can't tell others. But

though I am really happy she is working on advocating for herself and I do

accept,

love and respect her for just who she is, she is my ONLY child. I admit that

one of the things that makes me wistful is seeing other babies/kids seek out

their Mom's arms and want to hug and be close and also want to share their

love

with words that those of us in the " NT " sphere understand. It used to be

really hard sometimes and it still pulls at me a bit, though I just

acknowledge

and accept the feelings and then try to turn my attention to all the

fantastic

things my relationship with my daughter holds that many others can't know.

Also, my Em does have her ways to express desire to be with me and desire to

talk

about things, and this has increased with growth ( hers and mine!) and I do

understand more. I would never want to make her uncomfortable and so while I

do

ask for hugs sometimes ( and she complies, in her way....tolerates me and

them!), I try not to push it on her too much. She has in the last year or so

come

to like what she calls " snuggling in the bed " , which means my bed, with

clothes on and during the day. Sometimes with me and sometimes without.

Sometimes

she even invites my husband. This is a time when she wants to do her silly

talk

and ask silly questions and get exactly the right answer; repetitive stuff

that calms her and she enjoys. " Snuggling " means she is at one side of the

King

size bed and I am either on the other side or in the middle, with pillows

and

blankets in between. Sometimes she will like me to touch her face or arm

with

my long hair. And while it isn't what most would call intimate affection, is

FEELS like that kind of connection because....well, because for her I think

it

is. And so I find some of my neurotypical need for mother-child bonding

happens

at those times. Also....on Mother's Day year before last she was not feeling

well, a bit feverish and coming down with a bad cold. WE were at a gathering

at my mother's house. Em let me sit RIGHT next to her, wrap a blanket around

the two of us, and she rested her head against my shoulder. This lasted

about

12-15 minutes, the longest time I have ever had that kind of contact with

her

since she was a nursing babe. I am sorry she didn't feel well, but that she

let

me hold her that way was incredible. After about five minutes I looked

around

to see if anyone else noticed, and nobody did. I wordlessly pointed out what

was happening and asked someone to take a picture, which is still on my

refrigerator. Best Mother's Day gift ever, my child allowing me to

experience what

for me is a natural representation of mother-child love,. even though for

her

it is not.

Sorry for this rambling post, but wanted to share. My girl is very

patient with me!

Melinda

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Blessings Light and always Love,

[Guest guest]

Rolling on the floor, laughing my butt off?????????? that is my guess

Shanna

Marie wrote:

OK, what does that stand for??? Marie

>

> ROLFLMBO!!!!

>

> Debi

>

>

> >

> > <<so perhaps if you daughter really loves how something smells

> > it will draw her close to you.>>

> >

> > Like poop you mean?? sorry just kidding. couldn't resist. Perhaps I

> could smear myself with french fry grease....she can't eat them but

> maybe she will like me better? (or bite me?)

> > Sherry

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

My has most always 'allowed' hugs. At first her hugs were that she

would stand with her arms at her side and allow others to embrace her, stiff

as a board she was.

This went on for a couple of years, I think. Then later she would open her

arms and let the other person in, to embrace her, arms open but not around

the other person. We went to visit family in Florida one time (she barely knew

them, just of them), her Uncle asked for a hug and she suggested a 'group

hug', first time I ever heard her say that. So

there she was group hugging an Uncle and Aunt and 2 cousins. I was amazed.

Sometimes will come up to me while I am sitting and sort of just

start to rub her face against mine...other times she will come up and start

patting my face. She at night will go and tell her brother and father it is

bedtime for her and ask if they want a hug! So often over the years I will sit

back and say to myself " Just give it time, all in 's time " . I barely

recall her telling me that she loves me, she will sometimes say to me " I really

like you right NOW " . Very specific, the 'right now'...five minutes from now

things can and will change. It is most often about 's comfort zone, I

think.

Her teacher (a new teacher) had recently written to me and asked if

always had a 'flat line face', that was an new one. She has a very

expressive face, guess it is the circumstance and the situation.

In a message dated 1/20/2007 11:34:00 A.M. Eastern Standard Time,

cathybuckley@... writes:

My daughter does the exact same thing, but only with men (including

Dad and Grandpa) and unfamiliar women. Everyone else gets bear hugs

all day long. At school she is the only girl in her autism classroom

and she hugs these boys constantly, and also her teachers and aides.

Some of the kids don't like to be touched so her teachers have told

her to give high fives instead. She does the " backwards " thing with

kisses, too. I am the only one she lets kiss her face. With

everyone else she bends over and gives them the top of her head, even

her Dad, who has a beard and she can't stand facial hair.

> My daughter LOVES hugs, but only with Mom and dad. For anyone else

> she

> immediately turns her back on them, and " backs in " to the hug. Our

> family

> is used to it, and we call them 's backwards hugs.

>

>

>

Blessings Light and always Love,

[Guest guest]

I am personally someone who thrives on hugs and my daughter is of the nature

that doesn't want to be touched or kissed (on the cheek, on the nose, on the

forehead, doesn't matter she just doesn't like it) So much for those magic

kisses that make boo-boos go away, lol. She is very verbal and says she just

doesn't like it. Do I ever get hugs from her? Yes, she is 13 and has learned

that " friends " sometimes exchange hugs as greetings (I see her roll her eyes a

bit, but she's learned to tolerate it). She knows that sometimes to be a friend

you have to give your friend what they need. She started with just one armed

hugs but now gives a very quick 2 armed hug. She still would rather hug a horse

than a human. I am ok with that. More horses and less humans, means fewer

" boys " . That I am not ready for.

gldcst wrote: <<What your daughter needs, we can

only guess...and

there are a zillion guesses and it's possible that

NONE are right. I wish there was an easy answer. Some

people just don't like hugs, whether gentle or tight,

long or brief. Kassiane>>

Kassiane, yes I agree....I don't plan to generalize or to compare my child with

anyone else. I just like to seek " possible " explanations from those more likely

to know than I and to consider the possiblities. I appreciate your input...HUGS

to you!, Sherry

[Guest guest]

My daughter LOVES hugs, but only with Mom and dad. For anyone else she

immediately turns her back on them, and " backs in " to the hug. Our family

is used to it, and we call them 's backwards hugs.

>

>Reply-To: Autism_in_Girls

>To: Autism_in_Girls

>Subject: Re: Re: Showing Affection/Sondra?

>Date: Sat, 20 Jan 2007 05:15:31 -0800 (PST)

>

>I am personally someone who thrives on hugs and my daughter is of the

>nature that doesn't want to be touched or kissed (on the cheek, on the

>nose, on the forehead, doesn't matter she just doesn't like it) So much

>for those magic kisses that make boo-boos go away, lol. She is very verbal

>and says she just doesn't like it. Do I ever get hugs from her? Yes, she

>is 13 and has learned that " friends " sometimes exchange hugs as greetings

>(I see her roll her eyes a bit, but she's learned to tolerate it). She

>knows that sometimes to be a friend you have to give your friend what they

>need. She started with just one armed hugs but now gives a very quick 2

>armed hug. She still would rather hug a horse than a human. I am ok with

>that. More horses and less humans, means fewer " boys " . That I am not ready

>for.

>

>gldcst wrote: <<What your daughter needs, we

>can only guess...and

>there are a zillion guesses and it's possible that

>NONE are right. I wish there was an easy answer. Some

>people just don't like hugs, whether gentle or tight,

>long or brief. Kassiane>>

>

>Kassiane, yes I agree....I don't plan to generalize or to compare my child

>with anyone else. I just like to seek " possible " explanations from those

>more likely to know than I and to consider the possiblities. I appreciate

>your input...HUGS to you!, Sherry

>

>

[Guest guest]

My daughter does the exact same thing, but only with men (including

Dad and Grandpa) and unfamiliar women. Everyone else gets bear hugs

all day long. At school she is the only girl in her autism classroom

and she hugs these boys constantly, and also her teachers and aides.

Some of the kids don't like to be touched so her teachers have told

her to give high fives instead. She does the " backwards " thing with

kisses, too. I am the only one she lets kiss her face. With

everyone else she bends over and gives them the top of her head, even

her Dad, who has a beard and she can't stand facial hair.

> My daughter LOVES hugs, but only with Mom and dad. For anyone else

> she

> immediately turns her back on them, and " backs in " to the hug. Our

> family

> is used to it, and we call them 's backwards hugs.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

yep

>

> Rolling on the floor, laughing my butt off?????????? that is my guess

> Shanna

>

>

[Guest guest]

I often used to do this as a kid for one reason... I could smell

everyone's bad breath a mile away. If your back is turned, you don't

have to face the breath.

Debi

>

> My daughter LOVES hugs, but only with Mom and dad. For anyone else she

> immediately turns her back on them, and " backs in " to the hug. Our

family

> is used to it, and we call them 's backwards hugs.

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

also hugs people by putting the top of her head gently into their

stomach region. All the family knows that this is as close as she can get

to a real hug and accept it as such. She will hug her father and let ONLY

him give her bear hugs. She'll kiss her Dad on the cheek even though she

hates his beard. She will let me kiss her face and she will kiss my face.

She likes to rub my face with her nose!! We also do the close family time

with all three of us in our king size bed with us under the cover and her on

top of the cover. She gets in the middle and likes us all to act silly and

my husband to make disgusting sounds (if you get my drift). To her, this is

closeness...love??? She does tell me she loves me. In fact, I believe she

says this without really knowing what it means because she follows me around

and says it constantly. When I ask her how does she love me, she tells me

she loves me because who would take care of her when I am not around and who

would feed her? Also, she has no friends and says she wants friends.

However, when we make attempts for her to have friends (she's in something

here called the Friendship Club), she's miserable.

Diane ('s Mom)

Re: Re: Showing Affection/Sondra?

My daughter does the exact same thing, but only with men (including

Dad and Grandpa) and unfamiliar women. Everyone else gets bear hugs

all day long. At school she is the only girl in her autism classroom

and she hugs these boys constantly, and also her teachers and aides.

Some of the kids don't like to be touched so her teachers have told

her to give high fives instead. She does the " backwards " thing with

kisses, too. I am the only one she lets kiss her face. With

everyone else she bends over and gives them the top of her head, even

her Dad, who has a beard and she can't stand facial hair.

> My daughter LOVES hugs, but only with Mom and dad. For anyone else

> she

> immediately turns her back on them, and " backs in " to the hug. Our

> family

> is used to it, and we call them 's backwards hugs.

>

>

>

Autism_in_Girls-subscribe

------------------------

Autism_in_Girls-unsubscribe

[Guest guest]

Well put Melinda. What a succint post.

Diane ('s Mom)

Re: Showing Affection/Sondra?

Hi Sherry,

I wanted to address your post about your . I can really relate to

this. My daughter doesn't like hugs, and never has. When she gained enough

language and began to learn to " advocate for yourself " ) the label I gave

what she

works so hard on) , she began sometimes telling me to go away, to move away

if

I was too close. Sometimes " to close " is in the same room! She needs her

space and I am very proud that she has begun to learn what she needs and

tell me.

Sometimes she can't tell me, most of the time she can't tell others. But

though I am really happy she is working on advocating for herself and I do

accept,

love and respect her for just who she is, she is my ONLY child. I admit that

one of the things that makes me wistful is seeing other babies/kids seek out

their Mom's arms and want to hug and be close and also want to share their

love

with words that those of us in the " NT " sphere understand. It used to be

really hard sometimes and it still pulls at me a bit, though I just

acknowledge

and accept the feelings and then try to turn my attention to all the

fantastic

things my relationship with my daughter holds that many others can't know.

Also, my Em does have her ways to express desire to be with me and desire to

talk

about things, and this has increased with growth ( hers and mine!) and I do

understand more. I would never want to make her uncomfortable and so while I

do

ask for hugs sometimes ( and she complies, in her way....tolerates me and

them!), I try not to push it on her too much. She has in the last year or so

come

to like what she calls " snuggling in the bed " , which means my bed, with

clothes on and during the day. Sometimes with me and sometimes without.

Sometimes

she even invites my husband. This is a time when she wants to do her silly

talk

and ask silly questions and get exactly the right answer; repetitive stuff

that calms her and she enjoys. " Snuggling " means she is at one side of the

King

size bed and I am either on the other side or in the middle, with pillows

and

blankets in between. Sometimes she will like me to touch her face or arm

with

my long hair. And while it isn't what most would call intimate affection, is

FEELS like that kind of connection because....well, because for her I think

it

is. And so I find some of my neurotypical need for mother-child bonding

happens

at those times. Also....on Mother's Day year before last she was not feeling

well, a bit feverish and coming down with a bad cold. WE were at a gathering

at my mother's house. Em let me sit RIGHT next to her, wrap a blanket around

the two of us, and she rested her head against my shoulder. This lasted

about

12-15 minutes, the longest time I have ever had that kind of contact with

her

since she was a nursing babe. I am sorry she didn't feel well, but that she

let

me hold her that way was incredible. After about five minutes I looked

around

to see if anyone else noticed, and nobody did. I wordlessly pointed out what

was happening and asked someone to take a picture, which is still on my

refrigerator. Best Mother's Day gift ever, my child allowing me to

experience what

for me is a natural representation of mother-child love,. even though for

her

it is not.

Sorry for this rambling post, but wanted to share. My girl is very

patient with me!

Melinda

[Guest guest]

is very wise. The only real time IS right now. Everything

else is an illusion. Even if you say, I'll do that tomorrow, or even

10 minutes from now, when do you actually do it? Right now! )

> I barely

> recall her telling me that she loves me, she will sometimes say to

> me " I really

> like you right NOW " . Very specific, the 'right now'...five

> minutes from now

> things can and will change. It is most often about 's

> comfort zone, I

> think.