Memo to Pluto

[Guest guest]

Memo: To Pluto From: The Solar System Subject: Demotion to dwarf planet status. Dear Pluto: Whew. This is a tough one. First, I just want you to know that weall feel terrible about this. I think I speak for us all -- Mars, Venus, thewhole gang -- when I say you've been like a sun to us. Seriously. Look, I can't say this is fair. It isn't. Downsizing is just a factof life these days. It's universal. One minute you're on the "Children'sGuide to the Solar System," and the next you're a black hole. Who knows howthey make these calls at headquarters? I do have to say, in all honesty, that there were some problems. Alot of it was just image stuff. We've talked about this before. Like, whatmakes Mercury so hot anyhow? It is hard to fight perceptions like that. And, to be brutally honest, you probably could have done a betterjob with your presentation. There were times when you were seen as distant,aloof, even cold. Nobody saw you much. We ran in the same circles for yearsand years, but I don't think anybody really got to know you. It wasn't justyour "eccentric orbit," you know. There were plenty of whispers that youwere "way out there," or "too spacey." As for the jokes, well, I don't think there was much you could doabout that. "Hey look, isn't that Pluto? Out by Uranus?" How many times didwe hear that one? No matter how many times we explained that Neptune is theplanet next to you, it didn't matter. Sophomoric humor is a force thattranscends astrophysics. At the end of the day, I think we all realize that what it reallycomes down to is Earth. (I know, who made them the center of the universe?)Earth, with its big, gassy atmosphere and all those peeping pointy-headedscientists with their telescopes. They act like they created planets. Hello? Big Bang? Ten billionyears ago? ly, I don't get it. First they name us, then they take itaway. For seventy-some years you were a planet. Now you're a "dwarf planet."What's next, changing your name to "Dopey"? But there was a time, eh, when you were a star. Back in the 1930s,you were mysterious and theoretical. Astronomers on Earth stayed up nightsthinking about you. They'd hang around the observatory, just hoping to catcha glimpse of you on a night when you were out with Neptune. Remember the excitement when they finally saw you? There was all thetalk about what your name should be. The New York Times got involved,suggesting Minerva, which sounds like a name for a new kitchen range. Andthen, an 11-year-old girl from England, Venetia Phair, suggested Pluto, andit stuck. (Personally, I'd say if anyone needed a new name it was VenetiaPhair, but that's probably just solar snark.) And all right, as it turned out, Pluto was probably not the mostawe-inspiring choice. Jupiter gets to be the giant of the skies, and youturn out to be Mickey Mouse's dog. A bad break, no doubt about it. Still, there was a window of opportunity there, a chance to make aname for yourself. And I'll be honest, you didn't do much to help matters.It seemed you were never available for photographs. And you projected achilly, frigid atmosphere. It wasn't inviting, frankly. The more they got to know you, the more there were doubts. They saidyou lacked "gravitas." The whisper campaign began. You were smaller thanseven moons in the solar system, even -- and this was a killer -- Earth'smoon. I don't have to tell you how it all unraveled from there. There wassniping about your "oblong orbit." (Hey, we all accept the orbit we'regiven. It's a universal law.) A low point had to be when that big ball ofice, UB313, was put up for planethood in 2003. Hey, it's a solar system, nota Little League team. Not everybody gets to play, OK? Yanking your planet status is a blow, no doubt about it. More thananything, I suppose, it is embarrassing. But you'll get over it. The sunwill come up again in another 162 hours, just like always. The good news is, you still have a chance to shine. Earth scientistssay they are going ahead with the $700 million New Horizons spacecraftflyby. It is expected to pass you on July 14, 2015. We're all pulling for you when that happens. We know that when theysee you up close and in person they will understand that you are not somedwarf, or a "minor planet," but a key part of the solar system. We'd justsay that you should always remember who you are and what we think of you. You rock.