Re: Anticipatory grief/Doris

[Guest guest]

Oops! I just read your reply to Donna. I am so sorry for your mother's

decline. As much

as you felt ready for what was/is to come, it still impacts so greatly as they

regress. Has

the Seroquel helped her at all? I understand your feeling of needing to be

there every day

but remember to take care of you too! I know you know that. It is hard to put

into place

though, isn't it?

> > >

> > > The following has always helped me with bouts of false guilt

> > > (remember it's 'false' guilt)

> > >

> > > First a quote from this board:

> > > " We are not responsible for the outcome. We are only responsible for

> > > the effort. "

> > >

> > > And a passage from the book " No More Words " by Reeve Lindburgh

> > >

> > > The discussion of guilt came about after Reeve had a dream of

> > > herself, her mother (the way she had always been) and her mother

> (how

> > > she was now, frail and dependent of Reeve). In the dream the

> > > healthy mother told Reeve, " You just have to take care of her. "

> > >

> > > " I have often felt this way about my mother, in recent years, so it

> > > was a joy to find her again in the railway-station dream, just as I

> > > always knew her (except for the hat). And with her words, she had

> > > lifted my trouble and my burden.

> > >

> > > But then, of course, I woke up in the morning and remembered that

> > > there is so much else! In a situation like mine there is memory, and

> > > there is frustration, and there is grief, and there is guilt. In

> > > fact, there is more guilt than anything else. No matter how good the

> > > care provided, no matter how much attention or how much money is

> > > spent to address their needs, no matter how extensive the medical

> > > treatment lavished upon our beloved elders, there is always guilt,

> > > and it is always the same.

> > >

> > > We feel guilty because our parents are living at home and not doing

> > > well. We feel guilty because they have been removed from their homes

> > > by our arrangement and are not happy about it. We feel guilty

> because

> > > we live far away from them and do not see them often enough. We feel

> > > guilty because we live close by and still don't see them often

> > > enough. We feel guilty because we live with them and see them every

> > > day, but our presence does not seem to help them.

> > >

> > > I think we feel guilty about our aging parents, regardless of their

> > > circumstances, not because we have NOT done our best for them but

> > > because we HAVE. Our efforts only emphasize the truth that we and

> > > they must live with every day. Whatever we have done, whatever we

> > > continue to do, it isn't enough. It won't change the fact that we

> > > cannot keep them alive, not forever. We cannot keep them healthy and

> > > happy, we can not keep them with us much longer. They are exactly

> > > where they are, close to the end of life. There is nothing we can do

> > > about it. "

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >