Hello (lengthy)

[Guest guest]

I've recently discovered that my mother has some pretty big mental

issues, though I believe they have improved in some areas as she's

aged. I say " recently discovered " because I think that for the 40

years of my life, I have honestly believed there was something about

me which justified her dislike/hate, disgust, shame, and anger toward

me. Something must cause the irrational accusations, the animosity

and the rage I've always seemed to provoke from the slightest thing

(like living). After finding out that some family members/friends

have known for most of my life that she has " mental issues "

everything came together for me. And though I've always suspected

this in the back of my mind I don't know how I never fully realized

this before; it would have saved me an awful lot of mistakes in my

life which now have me at square one. I'm starting from nothing at

the age of forty having thrown away so much in some weird attempt to

please and appease. I'm positive the knowledge of her

mental/emotional deficiencies (she seems to be the equivalent of a 12-

14 year old emotionally) would have helped me somewhat though I know

not entirely. I can't help but wonder why someone didn't step in to

let my sister and I know that so much of what we experienced and

learned in life was not based on reason thus was inaccurate,

ineffective, unhealthy, etc. etc.

I used to be a member of this board about five years ago. I had a

diagnosed borderline SO who was pretty bad. After about a year I was

out of that relationship but felt I had nothing left of my

real " self " which I'm sure most of you understand. My father passed

away the same year (2001). I had a very hard time getting myself back

together afterward and have since put myself through five more years

of self sabotage and life destruction. I've been in and out of my

career, unable to stick with any decisions, I've turned from someone

who had always been on top of the smallest things in my life,

successful at virtually anything I attempted, to a procrastinator,

avoider, and most of all a self saboteur. Funny thing is suddenly my

younger sister and mother seemed to (at times) accept me a bit

better. At one point it even felt as if my mother began to actually

like me somewhat. Of course that feeling of acceptance came along

with listening to and absorbing her criticisms of me which in reality

were extreme projections. The acceptance by my sister came along with

her increasingly frequent and unjustified (at times seemingly

delusional) set-ups and rages toward me as well as her impossible

expectations that required me to put her and her husbands lives WELL

in front of my own. Neither my mother nor my sister seem to be able

to understand that I'm an individual whose life is every bit as

important as theirs. It's appalling to them whenever I assert my life

or needs as anything of importance. And unfortunately I don't do it

often enough. I honestly feel they view me as an object or a pet

monkey who is here for the purpose of fulfilling their warped and

bottomless emotional needs.

So to shorten things up a bit, about a year ago I sold my own house

and virtually all my belongings to move out of state and in with my

mother--into the house in which I grew up. I did this with the

intention of obtaining a graduate degree in a different field and

finally getting myself back on my feet after having thrown it all

away five or six years ago(financially, personally and

professionally). So I guess I can look at it as somewhat of a

blessing due to what I've learned about HER as well as myself.

However I feel as if I sold my soul; in exchange for

the " opportunity " to get back on my feet which my mother offered me,

I was apparently expected to once again hand over my autonomy, my

self esteem, self confidence, my self worth as well as my

identity....well, what shreds were left of all these things after my

six year life-trashing episode.

That's the basics. I'm back at WTO, realize now that I've ALWAYS been

in Oz, and feel very validated reading others' posts, experiences and

habits/tendencies. I understand so much more of my own actions and

behavior having realized that my mother's mental issues are most

likely those of a borderline, which others in my family have

suspected as well (though " mental issues " were the only things ever

actually acknowledged AFAIK). I also am realizing the role I've

mistakenly slipped into with my sister--virtually the same role I've

held with my mother all my life, increasingly so since my father

passed away--that of the scapegoat as well as an emotional sponge for

all negative unbearable feelings they hold inside. So...it's nice to

meet everyone. I hope to be out of this house and back on my own by

February, this time truly as a fully independent adult. I believe

this board and it's members will be of help as I do my own " growing

up " . :-)

Thank you all for your honesty. I feel so similar to so many of you.