Re: Hello (lengthy)

[Guest guest]

Marsha,

Welcome to the group. As you have read some posts, I

think you get the idea that this is a pretty safe

place to do you work with others that know how and why

etc. I'm sure happy to hear that you have a goal of

freedom in front of you that you can look forward to.

All my best,

Greg.

--- marshamarsha66 wrote:

> I've recently discovered that my mother has some

> pretty big mental

> issues, though I believe they have improved in some

> areas as she's

> aged. I say " recently discovered " because I think

> that for the 40

> years of my life, I have honestly believed there was

> something about

> me which justified her dislike/hate, disgust, shame,

> and anger toward

> me. Something must cause the irrational accusations,

> the animosity

> and the rage I've always seemed to provoke from the

> slightest thing

> (like living). After finding out that some family

> members/friends

> have known for most of my life that she has " mental

> issues "

> everything came together for me. And though I've

> always suspected

> this in the back of my mind I don't know how I never

> fully realized

> this before; it would have saved me an awful lot of

> mistakes in my

> life which now have me at square one. I'm starting

> from nothing at

> the age of forty having thrown away so much in some

> weird attempt to

> please and appease. I'm positive the knowledge of

> her

> mental/emotional deficiencies (she seems to be the

> equivalent of a 12-

> 14 year old emotionally) would have helped me

> somewhat though I know

> not entirely. I can't help but wonder why someone

> didn't step in to

> let my sister and I know that so much of what we

> experienced and

> learned in life was not based on reason thus was

> inaccurate,

> ineffective, unhealthy, etc. etc.

>

> I used to be a member of this board about five years

> ago. I had a

> diagnosed borderline SO who was pretty bad. After

> about a year I was

> out of that relationship but felt I had nothing left

> of my

> real " self " which I'm sure most of you understand.

> My father passed

> away the same year (2001). I had a very hard time

> getting myself back

> together afterward and have since put myself through

> five more years

> of self sabotage and life destruction. I've been in

> and out of my

> career, unable to stick with any decisions, I've

> turned from someone

> who had always been on top of the smallest things in

> my life,

> successful at virtually anything I attempted, to a

> procrastinator,

> avoider, and most of all a self saboteur. Funny

> thing is suddenly my

> younger sister and mother seemed to (at times)

> accept me a bit

> better. At one point it even felt as if my mother

> began to actually

> like me somewhat. Of course that feeling of

> acceptance came along

> with listening to and absorbing her criticisms of me

> which in reality

> were extreme projections. The acceptance by my

> sister came along with

> her increasingly frequent and unjustified (at times

> seemingly

> delusional) set-ups and rages toward me as well as

> her impossible

> expectations that required me to put her and her

> husbands lives WELL

> in front of my own. Neither my mother nor my sister

> seem to be able

> to understand that I'm an individual whose life is

> every bit as

> important as theirs. It's appalling to them whenever

> I assert my life

> or needs as anything of importance. And

> unfortunately I don't do it

> often enough. I honestly feel they view me as an

> object or a pet

> monkey who is here for the purpose of fulfilling

> their warped and

> bottomless emotional needs.

>

> So to shorten things up a bit, about a year ago I

> sold my own house

> and virtually all my belongings to move out of state

> and in with my

> mother--into the house in which I grew up. I did

> this with the

> intention of obtaining a graduate degree in a

> different field and

> finally getting myself back on my feet after having

> thrown it all

> away five or six years ago(financially, personally

> and

> professionally). So I guess I can look at it as

> somewhat of a

> blessing due to what I've learned about HER as well

> as myself.

> However I feel as if I sold my soul; in exchange for

>

> the " opportunity " to get back on my feet which my

> mother offered me,

> I was apparently expected to once again hand over my

> autonomy, my

> self esteem, self confidence, my self worth as well

> as my

> identity....well, what shreds were left of all these

> things after my

> six year life-trashing episode.

>

> That's the basics. I'm back at WTO, realize now that

> I've ALWAYS been

> in Oz, and feel very validated reading others'

> posts, experiences and

> habits/tendencies. I understand so much more of my

> own actions and

> behavior having realized that my mother's mental

> issues are most

> likely those of a borderline, which others in my

> family have

> suspected as well (though " mental issues " were the

> only things ever

> actually acknowledged AFAIK). I also am realizing

> the role I've

> mistakenly slipped into with my sister--virtually

> the same role I've

> held with my mother all my life, increasingly so

> since my father

> passed away--that of the scapegoat as well as an

> emotional sponge for

> all negative unbearable feelings they hold inside.

> So...it's nice to

> meet everyone. I hope to be out of this house and

> back on my own by

> February, this time truly as a fully independent

> adult. I believe

> this board and it's members will be of help as I do

> my own " growing

> up " . :-)

>

> Thank you all for your honesty. I feel so similar to

> so many of you.

>

>

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