new, venting, advice?

[Guest guest]

hi all,

I have been lurking around here and BPD central's message boards,

and I feel like it's time to say something instead of sitting here

worrying.

First, some background...

my mom has been diagnosed with BPD (this past spring) and she doesn't

know it. the dr. tells us that she cannot know she has it or she will

research it and find ways to fight treatment because the way she

operates now is where she is comfortable and she doesnt want to leave

it. My mom is 56 and reasonably intelligent. I am 23 and a college grad.

My dad is a wonderful man. he is smart, funny, compassionate, and

supportive. my younger sister is my best friend. Probably like a lot

of people, when we found out this diagnosis and the information that

went with it, a huge lightbulb turned on and everything made sense.

This is why mom would try to turn us against each other with lies,

hate us one second and love us the next, cut our friends, boyfriends

and family members out of our lives after deeming them the source of

our " bad behaviour " , alternately taking complete control of everything

and completly dropping all responsibility, etc., etc. you all know.

Now, treating it as a disorder, we are trying our best to be loving

and caring family members. I've tried to arm myself with knowledge, so

I've done a fair amount of reading regarding BPD. still, I havent read

any success stories that didnt involve divorcing the family, and I've

read a lot of stories about very bad things that involve KO's spouses,

kids, jobs, homes, security, etc. Entering a point in my life where

these things (hopefully!) will come my way, I have to ask advice.

It seems like most people here are older than I am (no offense (: ),

and have passed or are in the kid/spouse/job/home phase, which

complicates their relationship with their BPD parent. My question is:

considering where you are now, what do you wish you had known/done/not

done/etc. when you were younger that could have helped your current

situation had you thought to do it?

I am especially worried about the family part of this. I have a

wonderful SO and we are happy. I am worried she will pull weird stuff

b/c of control issues (you know, visiting him at work and causing

trouble there, becoming so overbearing that it hurts our relationship

b/c I cannot function normally..this has actually happened already).

the thoughts of planning a wedding or having children are horrifying.

It is time to start building my career and life, and I am moving to

save myself from her sucking me into her weird and twisted world. I am

afraid to not be around and afraid to be around. I am worried she will

flip and try and drive to see me or decide I have abandoned her and do

something even crazier.

I worry so much about it because it feels so completely out of my

control, and I have been told all I can do is be compassionate and try

to set boundaries. When I try to set boundaries, even little ones

(like " don't call me before 9 a.m. because I have probably been up all

night doing schoolwork " ), the result is weeks of resentment and

revenge via various guilt trips, lies, accusations, and threats, all

based on imagined events. It is bad enough that I have developed

irreversable physical problems because of it. I have wound up in the

role of mom to my wonderful but wild sister because our mother " gives

up " . all this time, she verbally abuses my poor dad who's calling me

crying while hes walking down the road at midnight trying to get away,

calls her friends racial slurs, eats herself into a coma and lies on

the couch from 2p.m. to 11 p.m. every evening, ordering my dad to

bring her food and saying he's not a " caring partner " when he refuses.

not only is this horrible to watch and terribly sad (especially

because all the eating leads to a 5'2 " , 200 ish pound lady who has

back and joint and heart and breathing problems), but its really quite

difficult to try to have any sort of a normal life while dealing with

this mountain of junk with my mom.

I have been to psychologists, who pronounce me mentally sound. this

is because I can see things pretty clearly and analytically. It doesnt

make me emotionally sound, and I dont know really how to get there.

If anyone can help or offer advice, please do! Thank you so much!

~K