Re: sentimental... tearing up when I didn't expect to

[Guest guest]

sentimental... tearing up when I didn't expect to

My brother just saw nada, and she gave to him something that my

daughter left at her house. My toddler left her pink pig stuffed

animal there, and I wasn't planning on getting it back. When my

brother was there the other day, she gave it to him to give to me.

OK, first of all this validates my suspicion that she has NO plans

to see me again in the immediate future. Thanksgiving is next week,

and word around the campfire is that she is spending it w/ friends.

FINE BY ME! I have my dad, stepmom (who I am very close to) as well

as my hubby's family. So we already have two Thanksgivings. PS, we

all live in the same area, all three families within an hour or so

of each other.

Second, the pink pig smelled like her, and I just started to cry. I

didn't expect that. I imagined it at her house, and I hugged it

before I knew what I was doing, and it totally smelled like her. I

just balwed, and ran upstairs to throw it in the washing machine. I

stood there crying as I poured laundry detergent on it, wanting to

wash it clean so I wouldn't be tempted to sit and smell it anymore,

and to cry. I mean, I don't want to have that thing laying around

here if it smells like her b/c it'll only make me miss the mom I

thought I had, the one who is conditional and an illusion.

Also, I have my first appt with a therapist tomorrow. I am totally

excited. :-) I need this.

I need to a) heal from the past, and sort through the present...

what to do, what I want, etc.

Grace

[Guest guest]

It is so hard to let go of the illusion -- I can empathize with it.

I always thought my fada was a good dad. It hurt to think he wasn't

actually that interested in spending time with me. Spends more time

ordering me to nada's side, like a dog. (or should I

say " sideshow!! " )

The truth stings sometimes, but it's better to live your life based

on truths. You'll walk a more authentic path.

So sorry for your feelings of mourning at the moment. It won't

sting as sharply with time, I'm told.

{hugs}

Kyla

>

> My brother just saw nada, and she gave to him something that my

> daughter left at her house. My toddler left her pink pig stuffed

> animal there, and I wasn't planning on getting it back. When my

> brother was there the other day, she gave it to him to give to me.

>

> OK, first of all this validates my suspicion that she has NO plans

> to see me again in the immediate future. Thanksgiving is next

week,

> and word around the campfire is that she is spending it w/

friends.

> FINE BY ME! I have my dad, stepmom (who I am very close to) as

well

> as my hubby's family. So we already have two Thanksgivings. PS, we

> all live in the same area, all three families within an hour or so

> of each other.

>

> Second, the pink pig smelled like her, and I just started to cry.

I

> didn't expect that. I imagined it at her house, and I hugged it

> before I knew what I was doing, and it totally smelled like her. I

> just balwed, and ran upstairs to throw it in the washing machine.

I

> stood there crying as I poured laundry detergent on it, wanting to

> wash it clean so I wouldn't be tempted to sit and smell it

anymore,

> and to cry. I mean, I don't want to have that thing laying around

> here if it smells like her b/c it'll only make me miss the mom I

> thought I had, the one who is conditional and an illusion.

>

> Also, I have my first appt with a therapist tomorrow. I am totally

> excited. :-) I need this.

>

> I need to a) heal from the past, and sort through the

present...

> what to do, what I want, etc.

>

> Grace

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Grace. I TOTALLY know how you feel right now. I had a similar

breakdown last weekend, also involving stuffed animals! How strange

a coincidence...

Before our last falling out, my nada had given me a bunch of things

for my baby (who should arrive in about 8 weeks). I kept telling

her to stop buying stuff (she is on disability and does not have

extra money) but she indulges her overspending by using the baby (or

me, or ANYONE) as an excuse. It's like if she isn't buying it for

herself that makes it OK. Also for a few years she collected monkey

things, like stuffed monkeys and monkey figurines, stuff like that.

I personally don't " collect " things but whatever floats your boat.

but I digress...

Anyway it had been a few weeks and I went into the nursery to tidy

up some things and unpack the last batch of stuff she had dropped

off. She had dropped off these things the day before she tried

emotional blackmail, a huge storm of FOG, and attempted suicide. It

had been a few weeks since then and the things were still in big

plastic garbage bags. Some clothes and a big bag of stuffed

animals...

So, when I dumped out those stuffed animals and saw the stuffed

monkeys from her " collection " and other cute little stuffed animals,

all I could think about was how I really thought she was going to be

around to share the joy of my new baby with me, and I started crying

so hard and hugging all the little animals. I kept thinking my baby

deserves a cool grandma who loves him, but I can't allow her to be

near him if she can't learn about appropriate behavior. It's like I

am so MAD at her for being the way she is, but I still miss her

sometimes.

It passed after a few minutes and I felt better. I kept all those

little animals even though I know that sometimes looking at them

might make me sad. After a while I felt peaceful sitting there in

the nursery, because I knew I would never be the kind of Mom who

makes my child hate me and love me at the same time. I am going to

be the kind of Mom who cares more about my baby than myself or

anyone else, including my selfish and sick nada. Just like the kind

of Mom you are, Grace.

I wish the same kind of peace for you. You are protecting your child

and your family. It might hurt sometimes but I think it will be

worth it for you and for me and for our kids and husbands.

We get it Grace, we get you. Don't worry, you are doing the right

thing. It's OK to be sad, I am pretty sure it's part of the

process.

I draw so much strength from this board, just knowing I can tell you

guys stuff and you will understand when nobody else does. Thanks

for being there.

much love

>

> My brother just saw nada, and she gave to him something that my

> daughter left at her house. My toddler left her pink pig stuffed

> animal there, and I wasn't planning on getting it back. When my

> brother was there the other day, she gave it to him to give to me.

>

> OK, first of all this validates my suspicion that she has NO plans

> to see me again in the immediate future. Thanksgiving is next

week,

> and word around the campfire is that she is spending it w/

friends.

> FINE BY ME! I have my dad, stepmom (who I am very close to) as

well

> as my hubby's family. So we already have two Thanksgivings. PS, we

> all live in the same area, all three families within an hour or so

> of each other.

>

> Second, the pink pig smelled like her, and I just started to cry.

I

> didn't expect that. I imagined it at her house, and I hugged it

> before I knew what I was doing, and it totally smelled like her. I

> just balwed, and ran upstairs to throw it in the washing machine.

I

> stood there crying as I poured laundry detergent on it, wanting to

> wash it clean so I wouldn't be tempted to sit and smell it

anymore,

> and to cry. I mean, I don't want to have that thing laying around

> here if it smells like her b/c it'll only make me miss the mom I

> thought I had, the one who is conditional and an illusion.

>

> Also, I have my first appt with a therapist tomorrow. I am totally

> excited. :-) I need this.

>

> I need to a) heal from the past, and sort through the

present...

> what to do, what I want, etc.

>

> Grace

>

[Guest guest]

Grace,

I can totally relate. It's like a double edged sword. Seeing the

illusion of our nada's not only makes us sad that we weren't loved in

a healthy way, but also sets us up to feel guilty or wrong for loving

someone who has hurt us deeply. We want to love and be loved healthy

and we know that both are not possible with our nada/fada's.

I personally believe in the devine feminine as well as masculine.

What has been helping me through this is to focus my mothering

relationship (loving and being loved) on the mother goddess.

a