Guest guest Posted January 17, 2004 Report Share Posted January 17, 2004 Adapted from The Daily Motivator Saturday, January 17, 2004 Never ending How can you tell what the best things in life are? They are the things that never end. For example when you use your creativity, it doesn't get used up; it grows even stronger the more you make use of it. Love is the same way. Give your love, and you will have even more of it. Live with integrity, and this integrity will grow stronger. Spread joy to others, and joy becomes even more abundant in your own life. Consider courage, grace, peace, kindness, faith and friendship. The more you draw from them the more powerful they become. The best things in life cannot be lost even though they are often ignored or foolishly rejected. The more you live them the more they are. -- Ralph Marston ~Joyce Do ordinary things in an extraordinary way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 3, 2007 Report Share Posted March 3, 2007 Thank you for the support. I am just so happy I found all of you. I so appreciate the good vibes and I did survive the visit. All of our stories are so similiar, but we do make it. Bless you, Malinda > > Malinda, good for you for setting some boundaries & " erasing > the " crazy tapes " . You are not alone-- it is amazing how similar the > stories are between members of this group. I *hate* going anywhere > public with my nada b/c she is always so rude to anyone we encounter. > Good luck in your visit with your mom. I will send good vibes your > way, stay strong! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 3, 2007 Report Share Posted March 3, 2007 Kyla, Thank for your support and wonderful advice. You are right she does bait me, and I do react. Not only is my time too precious, but so is my energy. It can feel like I am being torture and my god does it hurt. I will keep trying the limited or no response to her. Sometimes I just get pissed off and think not again and most importantly why. Your response of course says why, but I would never treat my own daughter like that. Thankfully though, I am not my mother. I do think about no contact, but for now more boundaries and limited contact. Blessing for your advice, you get it! Thank you being here. Today was a rough day and this place and the kindness of people like you really are helping me. Malinda > > > > Sit here writing to all of you feeling like you have become a > family > > to me. I read your stories and I feel your pain. You so know this > > journey and are willing to share your experiences. > > > > I am visiting and spending time with my BP mom and my codependent > > enabling father. sorry i am still learning the abbreviations. > > > > I called her earlier to confirm the times, and it has already > started > > in are phone conversation. I too have a weight problem, food was > one > > thing I could have control over and boy did I. So I was eating and > we > > are suppose to be going out to dinner later, and she starts. " What > > are you eating, why are you eating now. I guess now you don't want > to > > eat with us, or you will never be hungry. " It was 11:00, and we > will > > be eating afer 3:30....omg. They I do the explaining, and she has > a > > bigger weight problem then I do, and she tells me how she can't > eat > > that many times a day, and we are nothing alike. > > > > Of course none of this is said in kindness, or even humor. As the > > conversation proceeds, I hear and feel her anger building. She > then > > asks how my new weight loss program is going and I tell I have > lost 6 > > pounds, and she tells me that was good, but basically it will > > last,only if I follow the program. > > > > Then it continues, the investigation in my life, what did you do > > last night? My daughter told her, that she and I were going to the > > gym. So she asks about that, and she tells me she could never do > > that. I told her I also cooked dinner, and she told me she would > > never cook dinner on a Friday night, that was her night out. > > > > Then she wanted to know my 23 year old daughter's schedule for > today, > > and why she couldn't be going with us, though we had already > > discussed this in a previous conversation. > > > > She also heard that morning a therapist on the radio and she went > > into how the therapist said the exact opposite of what I say about > > things, and my father laughed about that, and said but you know > your > > father, he never really says anything...( I thought of course not). > > > > She is crazy about the snow being off her sidewalks (I use to do > all > > her snow removal, but after 20 years I just can't do it anymore) > and > > she wanted to know if my sidewalks were clear( again she asks me > > this, and tells me about how she had to pay the man to do hers). I > am > > just getting over the flu, and I said I haven't really been > looking > > at my sidewalls, and bamn....you know you are just nothing like > me, > > again reminding me that I am not living up to her expectations. > > > > Then just when I think it is going to end and we can talk normal, > no > > judgements, or critical comments, I have to hear another story, > about > > a good son or daughter she knows. My mother has told me from the > time > > I can remember, my most important job in life was to be a good > > daughter, and if everyone would take care of their mother, the > world > > would be a better place. So I had to hear about her new > hairdresser's > > mother and what a good daughter she was. How she took care of her > > aging mother and was with her when she died. OMG again. > > > > I have told my mother point blank I hear your concerns, she is > > terrified of being alone and abandoned. I am not lying my mother > > works in the public, so at least once a week I hear a good > daughter > > or good son story, or update on the situation, and how these > people > > have given up everything to take care of their MOTHERS, never > their > > fathers. She cries all the time about her mother dying and that > was > > 12 years ago. > > > > Now this was just the pre-conversation to the visit, which I > finally > > the ended the conversation. The visit, will not be smooth. and > god > > help our server at the restuarant if something is not to my > mother's > > liking. I will be ashamed of her behavior towards the server. > > > > Nothing is ever easy, everything is so difficult and intense. The > > emotional and verbal abuse just never ends. It hurts so much and I > am > > making boundaries. She truly sees nothing wrong with her behavior, > > words or treatment of others. She has a huge sense of ENTITLEMENT, > > and I am always wrong....no matter what. Everyone is wrong and she > is > > the EXPERT on everything. > > > > Yes, I am in therapy and working on erasing the crazy tapes I have > > heard from her all these years. > > > > Thanking you for listening....I need to go put my armor on and > > prepare myself for the visit with her. > > > > I thank you all for being here. Stay strong.... > > > > Malinda > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 4, 2007 Report Share Posted March 4, 2007 Malinda, If I didn't know better I would swear we were sisters. My mother complained this year that her sidewalks had never looked so bad before. We are constantly compared to her friends children and grandchildren. Nothing is ever good enough or right. She tells me I have a big belly............... and yet I hemmed 2 pairs of pants for her yesterday, she is 4'11 " and I am 5'6 " and just for fun I tried the pants on thinking they would be to short for me, well hahahahahahaha they weren't what she takes up with her lower belly and fat butt I don't, they were looser on me in the legs and actually long enough. I really had to laugh about that!!!!!!! After being in couseling with my church pastor for over 2 years and then reading the books I have read I am slowly becoming able to deal with her, my armour is on all the time because she calls at any hour of the day or night, whenever it suits her fancy. My son is getting so he tells her that I am asleep when she calls after 9pm. It is amazing to me that so many mothers out there have basically the same symptons. It is to bad they can't form a club and discuss all their bad children. I understand, I sympathize with you, stay strong. Janie maparise17 wrote: Sit here writing to all of you feeling like you have become a family to me. I read your stories and I feel your pain. You so know this journey and are willing to share your experiences. I am visiting and spending time with my BP mom and my codependent enabling father. sorry i am still learning the abbreviations. I called her earlier to confirm the times, and it has already started in are phone conversation. I too have a weight problem, food was one thing I could have control over and boy did I. So I was eating and we are suppose to be going out to dinner later, and she starts. " What are you eating, why are you eating now. I guess now you don't want to eat with us, or you will never be hungry. " It was 11:00, and we will be eating afer 3:30....omg. They I do the explaining, and she has a bigger weight problem then I do, and she tells me how she can't eat that many times a day, and we are nothing alike. Of course none of this is said in kindness, or even humor. As the conversation proceeds, I hear and feel her anger building. She then asks how my new weight loss program is going and I tell I have lost 6 pounds, and she tells me that was good, but basically it will last,only if I follow the program. Then it continues, the investigation in my life, what did you do last night? My daughter told her, that she and I were going to the gym. So she asks about that, and she tells me she could never do that. I told her I also cooked dinner, and she told me she would never cook dinner on a Friday night, that was her night out. Then she wanted to know my 23 year old daughter's schedule for today, and why she couldn't be going with us, though we had already discussed this in a previous conversation. She also heard that morning a therapist on the radio and she went into how the therapist said the exact opposite of what I say about things, and my father laughed about that, and said but you know your father, he never really says anything...( I thought of course not). She is crazy about the snow being off her sidewalks (I use to do all her snow removal, but after 20 years I just can't do it anymore) and she wanted to know if my sidewalks were clear( again she asks me this, and tells me about how she had to pay the man to do hers). I am just getting over the flu, and I said I haven't really been looking at my sidewalls, and bamn....you know you are just nothing like me, again reminding me that I am not living up to her expectations. Then just when I think it is going to end and we can talk normal, no judgements, or critical comments, I have to hear another story, about a good son or daughter she knows. My mother has told me from the time I can remember, my most important job in life was to be a good daughter, and if everyone would take care of their mother, the world would be a better place. So I had to hear about her new hairdresser's mother and what a good daughter she was. How she took care of her aging mother and was with her when she died. OMG again. I have told my mother point blank I hear your concerns, she is terrified of being alone and abandoned. I am not lying my mother works in the public, so at least once a week I hear a good daughter or good son story, or update on the situation, and how these people have given up everything to take care of their MOTHERS, never their fathers. She cries all the time about her mother dying and that was 12 years ago. Now this was just the pre-conversation to the visit, which I finally the ended the conversation. The visit, will not be smooth. and god help our server at the restuarant if something is not to my mother's liking. I will be ashamed of her behavior towards the server. Nothing is ever easy, everything is so difficult and intense. The emotional and verbal abuse just never ends. It hurts so much and I am making boundaries. She truly sees nothing wrong with her behavior, words or treatment of others. She has a huge sense of ENTITLEMENT, and I am always wrong....no matter what. Everyone is wrong and she is the EXPERT on everything. Yes, I am in therapy and working on erasing the crazy tapes I have heard from her all these years. Thanking you for listening....I need to go put my armor on and prepare myself for the visit with her. I thank you all for being here. Stay strong.... Malinda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 4, 2007 Report Share Posted March 4, 2007 HERE, HERE! Janie kylaboo728 wrote: My goodness -- this visit sounds like precious time stolen from your life that you'll never get back! It's like taking money out of your wallet and throwing it all over a busy freeway...... Our time on this earth is just as precious -- even more so. My prayer for you is that you keep growing, keep learning healthy ways to detach and deal with this BP nada. Even giving non- committal responses might make her wonder what has changed about you. She's trying to get you to react. Don't give her the pleasure. When she says she has to pay a man to shovel her walk, say " Well, hopefully he gave you a good deal. " or this one will really drive her crazy: " Yeah -- people in that line of work really get their exercise, don't they? " After a " good daughter " story, say " That's really nice. What a sweet thing to do. " (after all, if the story does indeed describe a good deed, give credit where it's due. That doesn't make you any less a good daughter -- you're just acknowledging an interesting story.) When she comments about how you're eating and she could never eat before dinner, say " Well, I decided to. " Or say nothing at all and keep eating. Or " Well, that's why they make chocolate AND vanilla. " When she says " I could never do that. " Just let it fly by. Ignore it. Don't take the bait -- let it hit the floor and then LET IT LAY THERE. You're still hooked into her and she knows it. Then she starts circling you like a lion circles a helpless Zebra. She's indulging her need to feel important -- at YOUR expense. You CAN give yourself permission to stop putting up with it. Detach, detach, detach. Treat her words like the bunch of hot air that it is. Pretend she's speaking Russian. Practice not replying when you can. Just raise your eyebrows or shrug your shoulders when possible. Not every comment of hers is worth your deep consideration. In the future, you might want to limit visits -- this sounds like volunteering for torture, and your time and life are too precious to place yourself into this environment. Just my 2 cents' worth. Keep reading the books and stick around. A lot of us have been right where you are. {hugs} Kyla > > Sit here writing to all of you feeling like you have become a family > to me. I read your stories and I feel your pain. You so know this > journey and are willing to share your experiences. > > I am visiting and spending time with my BP mom and my codependent > enabling father. sorry i am still learning the abbreviations. > > I called her earlier to confirm the times, and it has already started > in are phone conversation. I too have a weight problem, food was one > thing I could have control over and boy did I. So I was eating and we > are suppose to be going out to dinner later, and she starts. " What > are you eating, why are you eating now. I guess now you don't want to > eat with us, or you will never be hungry. " It was 11:00, and we will > be eating afer 3:30....omg. They I do the explaining, and she has a > bigger weight problem then I do, and she tells me how she can't eat > that many times a day, and we are nothing alike. > > Of course none of this is said in kindness, or even humor. As the > conversation proceeds, I hear and feel her anger building. She then > asks how my new weight loss program is going and I tell I have lost 6 > pounds, and she tells me that was good, but basically it will > last,only if I follow the program. > > Then it continues, the investigation in my life, what did you do > last night? My daughter told her, that she and I were going to the > gym. So she asks about that, and she tells me she could never do > that. I told her I also cooked dinner, and she told me she would > never cook dinner on a Friday night, that was her night out. > > Then she wanted to know my 23 year old daughter's schedule for today, > and why she couldn't be going with us, though we had already > discussed this in a previous conversation. > > She also heard that morning a therapist on the radio and she went > into how the therapist said the exact opposite of what I say about > things, and my father laughed about that, and said but you know your > father, he never really says anything...( I thought of course not). > > She is crazy about the snow being off her sidewalks (I use to do all > her snow removal, but after 20 years I just can't do it anymore) and > she wanted to know if my sidewalks were clear( again she asks me > this, and tells me about how she had to pay the man to do hers). I am > just getting over the flu, and I said I haven't really been looking > at my sidewalls, and bamn....you know you are just nothing like me, > again reminding me that I am not living up to her expectations. > > Then just when I think it is going to end and we can talk normal, no > judgements, or critical comments, I have to hear another story, about > a good son or daughter she knows. My mother has told me from the time > I can remember, my most important job in life was to be a good > daughter, and if everyone would take care of their mother, the world > would be a better place. So I had to hear about her new hairdresser's > mother and what a good daughter she was. How she took care of her > aging mother and was with her when she died. OMG again. > > I have told my mother point blank I hear your concerns, she is > terrified of being alone and abandoned. I am not lying my mother > works in the public, so at least once a week I hear a good daughter > or good son story, or update on the situation, and how these people > have given up everything to take care of their MOTHERS, never their > fathers. She cries all the time about her mother dying and that was > 12 years ago. > > Now this was just the pre-conversation to the visit, which I finally > the ended the conversation. The visit, will not be smooth. and god > help our server at the restuarant if something is not to my mother's > liking. I will be ashamed of her behavior towards the server. > > Nothing is ever easy, everything is so difficult and intense. The > emotional and verbal abuse just never ends. It hurts so much and I am > making boundaries. She truly sees nothing wrong with her behavior, > words or treatment of others. She has a huge sense of ENTITLEMENT, > and I am always wrong....no matter what. Everyone is wrong and she is > the EXPERT on everything. > > Yes, I am in therapy and working on erasing the crazy tapes I have > heard from her all these years. > > Thanking you for listening....I need to go put my armor on and > prepare myself for the visit with her. > > I thank you all for being here. Stay strong.... > > Malinda > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.