Re: Re: Starting contact again....

[Guest guest]

Hey Kyla, and

I have already responded with my thoughts on this, but I am sitting here

thinking that should not go with the intention of trying to patch things

up. If she goes she should go to say goodbye to her mother. All of us should

know by now that with a BPD, things will never get patched up, because most of

them are in denial.

you have to do what is right for you. We can give you advice, but in

the end it has to be your choice.

Janie

kylaboo728 wrote:

Hey, --

Several times on these threads, I've seen the issue of a Nada's

imminent death being discussed. It seems someone always feels

compelled to tell a no-contact KO " Won't you regret not repairing

things before they die? "

I think BPDs are so hooked into drama, that they think these major

life events entitle them to pull us in again as if things are

different. Funny how this same big life event rarely makes the BPD

reflect on their OWN behavior. (not always -- but often)

I think whitewashing someone's abusive behavior because they're

dying is wrong. But, I also think we need to examine our own

consciences and make sure our decisions on how to act toward them

are based on reality, so that there are no regrets once death occurs.

If, as you say, your nada has not had some deep, introspective

change and continues to act badly toward you and your children, then

nothing has changed. I'd conduct myself with class because I might

be hearing from people I haven't heard from in awhile,

offering " advice " ......Get through the situation with my eyes wide

open, true to what I KNOW to be true, and move on.

I've been to a few family reunions and you know what I always come

away thinking? " I don't really KNOW these people! " . We all live in

different places and are living our own independent lives. There's

no magic pixie dust sprinkled on family reunions to make them

magical.

I consider my " family " the family and friends that I remain close

to -- who I interact with and care for, and who interact with and

care for me.

If you don't want to go, then don't go. Plan something fun for

yourself and your own family that day.

{hugs}

Kyla

>

> I haven't really posted much to this group since I joined. I have

been

> " no contact " with my NADA and FADA for close to 10 years now.

About 3

> years ago my NADA disclosed that she had terminal uterine cancer.

For

> those years, every holiday, special even etc. has been planned

around

> her because everyone has believed it to be her last. I ahve

missed out

> on these events due to my choice of no contact. My children have

gone

> yet this past Christmas have thought about going no contact too

due to

> the comments, actions of their grandparents. They are seeing and

> feeling the same things I have over the past years.

>

> During the past few years friends, etc have asked me if I would

regret

> not seeing, talking with my NADA before she passed. Not knowing

how I

> would feel at the beginning of her illness I did go a few events.

The

> same old stuff would come up. They would belittle me, treat me

like

> crap and my old feelings started to surface. Nothing was said

about the

> past. Nothing had changed either except for it was worse and they

also

> went after my kids negatively. I again went no contact.

>

> My sister forwarded an email from FADA yesterday and they want to

have a

> family reunion this summer. I wrote her and said I don't know. I

> really don't care to see my parents anymore or my other sister who

is

> also BPD. The BPD sister had an affair with my husband and went

to my

> parents who were going to help her obtain custody of my kids for

no

> other reason except they did everything for her and gave her

everything

> she wanted. They did this with no thought on what it would do to

me.

> Surprise, surprise. Even though my husband and I were divorcing

he knew

> nothing about her plan to take my kids and would have nothing to

do with

> her or any of what was going on. This stuff still continued

until I

> went no contact. I don't know if I want to go there again. Then

I ask

> myself if I would regret it later.......

>

> Jean

>