Re: sibling relationships

[Guest guest]

Carol,

You wrote, " I'm grateful for being rejected; it gave

me the freedom to go back and raise myself again, with

tolerance and love. "

That is so beautiful. Thanks.

One Non-BP Recovering Man

--- getevenpersevere@... wrote:

>

> Hi ,

>

> I went through the ACOA gauntlet too. For 30 years

> I sucked up all the

> guilt for despising my 'diseased', cruel, self

> serving, alcoholic father ... and

> my bitter, vengeful, vindictive nada/mother. Which

> one of them 'triggered',

> tortured the other the most/first, is not even

> relevant today. They feed off

> one another for their own survival...feed on their

> children's suffering to

> sustain their 'perfection'.

>

> 'They' need to feel perfect, so the children must be

> flawed. I'm grateful

> for being rejected; it gave me the freedom to go

> back and raise myself again,

> with tollerance and love ... Hugs, Carol

>

>

>

>

> In a message dated 10/7/2006 4:26:33 PM Eastern

> Daylight Time,

> cre8within@... writes:

>

> I have seen some posts lately about siblings and

> not being able to

> have a relationship with them, etc. When I went n/c

> I didn't have

> any interaction with my siblings either. After nada

> died I

> thought `well, here is my chance' but it has turned

> out to be

> disillusioning.

>

> Seems here is another reality check and

> disappointing realization.

> With all that I learned about bpd, and especially

> about myself over

> the past few years, I have come to realize that

> having a healthy

> relationship with my siblings is very unlikely.

> Even though they are

> not ragers like nada, the end result is the same.

> After talking to

> them I feel frustrated, sad and drained.

>

> Both sisters seem to be so engrossed in negativity,

> blame and

> focusing on what is wrong with any given situation.

> They bring up

> problems that they seem very bothered by, but resist

> any solutions.

> That one gets me the most. As my husband says their

> motto when given

> a solution is: No thanks, I'd rather bitch.'

>

> One sister in particular seems to almost light up

> when reporting

> bad news, she almost seems excited. I remember when

> I went to Adult

> Children of Alcoholics 12 step meetings years ago

> (I didn't know

> about bpd back then, but my guess is there were a

> ton of KO's in

> there) there was a list of characteristics of adult

> children raised

> by dysfunctional parents and one that stood out was

> `they are

> addicted to negative excitement.'

>

> Lately it has become so apparent in our

> conversations that I

> thought `I will count how many times she says

> something positive…

> every time it is zero. I mean not ONE thing. For

> example if I

> say `it is a nice day' she will come back with

> `yeah but I'm too

> tired to go out' or `but it might rain later.'It's

> like they repel

> happiness or positive energy.

>

> Everything is all about how her life sucks and

> everything that's

> wrong but when a solution is suggested she becomes

> oppositional or

> explains why it won't work.

>

> So I end up just listening for the most part because

> it is a waste

> of time to make suggestions, they just get shot down

> or ignored and

> this makes the conversations one-sided. Apparently

> she just wants

> someone to dump on. Another lose –lose scenario,

> hmmm..this theme is

> familiar.

>

> My other sister is in a miserable marriage and has

> been for many

> years and is now saying that she thinks her husband

> is going to kill

> her. Of course this causes alarm in people BUT she

> isn't willing to

> leave him. Lose-lose. She just says `I just want

> someone to know,

> but don't say anything to him at my funeral because

> he will come

> after you. " Uh.....what??

>

> I also notice I don't like to mention good things in

> my life because

> they are so miserable, I often feel a little guilty

> or downplay

> things that I am excited about.

>

> I should probably re-read the waif and hermit

> chapters in UBM

> because both sisters fit those characteristics to a

> tee. The sister

> I mostly talk to is a total waif and hermit. When

> she calls I

> think `Oh god, it's Captain Bringdown!'

>

> The biggest issue is I have a hard time listening to

> someone

> complain endlessly with no solution in sight. I just

> keep

> thinking, `okay already! do something about it or

> shut up, I can't

> take it anymore.'

>

> I would appreciate any thoughts and/or insight into

> this, perhaps

> how this may mirror a relationship with nada, and

> especially my role

> in this, because I feel there are aspects that

> aren't entirely clear

> to me.

>

> Thanks,

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> [Non-text portions of this message have been

> removed]

>

>

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