Re: Spent half my life running away

[Guest guest]

Hi e,

Your post struck a chord with me...no one else has mentioned yet (since me

joining this group...i think...) having an abusive father and a mother with

BPD...this was my situation as well...i though i was finished processing my

abusive past when i figured some stuff out about my dad (like he was severly

depressed for years)...but then i started in on my nada...and well...then it

really started....si i am interested to know someone else who has experienced

abuse at the hands of her father and a different kind of abuse at the hands of

her mother....oh the tangled web we are re-tracing...

i also spend inordinate amounts of time running from the family and living

other peoples lives...right now i live in a city 9 hours away from the family

(which has worked out really well) but i am living my husbands life...i am

working at a job that i hate to fund his grad schooling...last year i decided i

was tired of supporting other peoples lives and not having my own so i wrote a

list of things i was going to do FOR ME before i die....one of those things was

a triathlon..i trained all winter last year and competed in june...it was

great....it was something i thought i could never ever do...and as i rounded the

last corner of the run portion i started to cry because i realized that i had

done this just for me...and so many people came to watch and support me...it was

great...and i learned lots about me from that experience...next i am going to

grad school myself...that is in capital letters on the list...

i escaped my home by getting married at 18...some how (luckily for me) my

husband is a fantastic person...gentle...and kind...i have never ever even heard

him raise his voice...especially not at another person...i have no idea how i

married this guy...even after 7 years i have no idea...but still i count getting

married as an escape mechanism...so i relate to going to extreme measures to get

away from the family...

i encourage you to keep fighting to thrive and build the life you want...you

are worth it and you will succeed...we are a strong minded bunch, us KOs, if

they could not break us...

do you think that your fathers abusiveness is tied to you mothers BPD?? do you

listen to how people shut the door...how foot steps sound when people arrive

home?? did you leave home at an early age?? do you have contact with your

parents now??

i am looking forward to hearing from you again...i think we may have alot in

common..

thanks for sharing...laurel ecmc

phoenixsilverfire wrote:

I've realized a sad fact of life recently, kind of like a lightbulb

moment. Realizing it makes me wonder about a lot of things, and I'm

still working on processing what this realization means.

I'm also feeling pretty damn sad about it. Grieving the lost years,

what I could have been, etc. (maybe its a pity party, but so what?)

So I'm posting because I wonder if others see this about themselves,

being children of BPD parent(s). I also had a very violent, abusive

father (god only knows what his diagnosis was), so this realization

may have something to do with his abuse too. Not that it matters

though.

Somehow I realized this lightbulb thing while thinking about why my

marriage ended (he wasn't a BPD, thank god!) Without sounding like

a whiny brat that's blaming everyone else for my challenges, I have

realized that I have made MANY of my choices in my adult life because:

I have spent my entire life trying to run away from my sick family.

Rather than building a life as a maturing adult, making goals,

planning for a future, etc., I have merely been SURVIVING, while

trying to ESCAPE THEM, rather than THRIVING and BUILDING a life that

I love. Its only been since I've succeeded in running away for good,

that I can finally look ahead and plan my own life. God that's sad,

but true. Looking back, I can see the struggle to run away from them,

FOR GOOD, has seriously impaired the quality of my life.

I'm talking about the choice to marry quickly (to get away), moving

to many different states (to get away), and more choices that are too

personal to post here. So now, somehow realizing this helps. Because

I know I'm free now, they will NEVER get me back nor have power over

me, so by god I've GOT to be working on MY future now. RIGHT??

I sure as hell hope so, because I'd hate to be 60 years old and not

have lived MY OWN LIFE!

So am I the only one that's lived life on the run from hellish

parents?

Did others realize this along their journey?

What does it mean to see this now?

Is the hope I'm starting to feel going to be another shattered

illusion?

Or will another shoe drop and leave me barefoot and pregnant,

depending on those sick bastards?

e

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[Guest guest]

Ah....the replies have been great. Thank you all

Laurel, of course I'm sad and sorry to hear you've had the same

double whammy with parents. I know firsthand how hard it makes life.

No, I'm not in contact with any of my family. No contact with abusive

father in decades. No contact with BPD mother in almost a year, which

came about after she took my child and I had to fight to get her back.

Yeah, I listen for doors, footsteps, tone of voice, all those signs

that preserve me. The things that trigger fear and being on guard. It

was a survival mechanism as a kid, and its slowly lessened. It'll

never go away though, its too ingrained. I guess I'm seeing now

that's there's some good from all that hypervigilance. I read people

like nobody I know can. :::shrug::: it was learned behavior for

survival. Right?

I did leave home young. I was working fulltime and going to college

by the time I was 16, moved out from my BPD mother's house as soon as

a I could. She was a mess back then, in and out of psych hospitals,

marrying an alcoholic, basically just checked out of life and had

nothing to give as a mother to either of her kids. She was

worthless, just as worthless as she was when she left me at age 4 to

live with her abuser, who became mine (my father.) They weren't

together for long, and she left me there with him when they divorced.

Didn't get me outta that hell until I was 12. She always minimized

the abuse (I always told her and asked her to save me.) She still

minimizes the abuse. I guess that's her guilt? But she'd never say so.

My father's abusiveness wasn't tied to her BPD, don't know what you

mean there. She was only with him about 4 years I think (nobody will

tell me how old I was when she left.) She has had a life, since

then, of full blown BPD living. Diagnosed, hospitalized repeatedly,

shot herself, etc. Now she says that god healed her and gave her

mental health. I don't see it. Like here's one for the " Sick Record

Book " when she kept my child in her state and I was fighting to get

her back, she invited my father (who I haven't seen in decades but

have reported his sexual and physical abuse, so we all KNOW about

it), well she invited this man, who she had not seen in years, to

come meet my child. So he did. My child was fucking freaked. She knew

why I never saw my father. She knew what he did to me. It was sick,

and of course BPD mother did it all in the name of family and

christ's forgiveness. That meant that I was the bad guy, because I

wouldn't forgive this violent pedophile for years of abuse and

attempts to kill me with his bare hands. WHAT A NUTJOB my mother is.

And she made a choice, with the father thing, to make my child VERY

uncomfortable. It was just sick.

I don't know how the whole combo of abusive father and BPD mother

that bailed works. Its just my own personal hell of the past. I know

its given me a lot of " issues " that I deal with. Triggers, fleas,

whatever. But I count myself beyond lucky to be completely away from

them all, and to not be a woman that hooks up with abusive men. So

the cycle is broken here, but its sure hard work. huh?

>good to meet you here Laurel,

e

[Guest guest]

Very powerful stuff e, you're an incredibly strong person to

have wrapped your head around your past and the combination of a BPD

parent that promoted and fostered an abusive father in your life as a

child. I have enough trouble dealing with a nada, I can't imagine

having been burdened by that also. Your an awesome person to be able

to reach the place your at in your boundaries, soundness and health.

Let me know what the view at the top looks like.

Amazed,

>

> Ah....the replies have been great. Thank you all

> Laurel, of course I'm sad and sorry to hear you've had the same

> double whammy with parents. I know firsthand how hard it makes life.

>

> No, I'm not in contact with any of my family. No contact with abusive

> father in decades. No contact with BPD mother in almost a year, which

> came about after she took my child and I had to fight to get her back.

>

> Yeah, I listen for doors, footsteps, tone of voice, all those signs

> that preserve me. The things that trigger fear and being on guard. It

> was a survival mechanism as a kid, and its slowly lessened. It'll

> never go away though, its too ingrained. I guess I'm seeing now

> that's there's some good from all that hypervigilance. I read people

> like nobody I know can. :::shrug::: it was learned behavior for

> survival. Right?

>

> I did leave home young. I was working fulltime and going to college

> by the time I was 16, moved out from my BPD mother's house as soon as

> a I could. She was a mess back then, in and out of psych hospitals,

> marrying an alcoholic, basically just checked out of life and had

> nothing to give as a mother to either of her kids. She was

> worthless, just as worthless as she was when she left me at age 4 to

> live with her abuser, who became mine (my father.) They weren't

> together for long, and she left me there with him when they divorced.

> Didn't get me outta that hell until I was 12. She always minimized

> the abuse (I always told her and asked her to save me.) She still

> minimizes the abuse. I guess that's her guilt? But she'd never say so.

>

> My father's abusiveness wasn't tied to her BPD, don't know what you

> mean there. She was only with him about 4 years I think (nobody will

> tell me how old I was when she left.) She has had a life, since

> then, of full blown BPD living. Diagnosed, hospitalized repeatedly,

> shot herself, etc. Now she says that god healed her and gave her

> mental health. I don't see it. Like here's one for the " Sick Record

> Book " when she kept my child in her state and I was fighting to get

> her back, she invited my father (who I haven't seen in decades but

> have reported his sexual and physical abuse, so we all KNOW about

> it), well she invited this man, who she had not seen in years, to

> come meet my child. So he did. My child was fucking freaked. She knew

> why I never saw my father. She knew what he did to me. It was sick,

> and of course BPD mother did it all in the name of family and

> christ's forgiveness. That meant that I was the bad guy, because I

> wouldn't forgive this violent pedophile for years of abuse and

> attempts to kill me with his bare hands. WHAT A NUTJOB my mother is.

> And she made a choice, with the father thing, to make my child VERY

> uncomfortable. It was just sick.

>

> I don't know how the whole combo of abusive father and BPD mother

> that bailed works. Its just my own personal hell of the past. I know

> its given me a lot of " issues " that I deal with. Triggers, fleas,

> whatever. But I count myself beyond lucky to be completely away from

> them all, and to not be a woman that hooks up with abusive men. So

> the cycle is broken here, but its sure hard work. huh?

>

> >good to meet you here Laurel,

> e

>

[Guest guest]

e,

Wow, you are a very strong person...i am inspired...

when i asked about your fathers abuse being tied to mom's BPD...i was thinking

of my own experience...my father used to be a violent man...i think now that i

can see the BPD more clearly that if he had been living with a regular human

that he would never have been violent...i am not NOT NOT excusing his behaviour

because violence is never an acceptable choice no matter the situation...but i

can see more clearly that he was often backed into a corner...facing two

unchosable choices...and then would use violence to end the situation...it was

one of the things that would shut my mom up sadly...it played right into her

waif complex....life is too hard...so that was all i wondered..if it was the

same for you...

i look forward to reading more from you soon e...take care of

yourself...

laurel

phoenixsilverfire wrote:

Ah....the replies have been great. Thank you all

Laurel, of course I'm sad and sorry to hear you've had the same

double whammy with parents. I know firsthand how hard it makes life.

No, I'm not in contact with any of my family. No contact with abusive

father in decades. No contact with BPD mother in almost a year, which

came about after she took my child and I had to fight to get her back.

Yeah, I listen for doors, footsteps, tone of voice, all those signs

that preserve me. The things that trigger fear and being on guard. It

was a survival mechanism as a kid, and its slowly lessened. It'll

never go away though, its too ingrained. I guess I'm seeing now

that's there's some good from all that hypervigilance. I read people

like nobody I know can. :::shrug::: it was learned behavior for

survival. Right?

I did leave home young. I was working fulltime and going to college

by the time I was 16, moved out from my BPD mother's house as soon as

a I could. She was a mess back then, in and out of psych hospitals,

marrying an alcoholic, basically just checked out of life and had

nothing to give as a mother to either of her kids. She was

worthless, just as worthless as she was when she left me at age 4 to

live with her abuser, who became mine (my father.) They weren't

together for long, and she left me there with him when they divorced.

Didn't get me outta that hell until I was 12. She always minimized

the abuse (I always told her and asked her to save me.) She still

minimizes the abuse. I guess that's her guilt? But she'd never say so.

My father's abusiveness wasn't tied to her BPD, don't know what you

mean there. She was only with him about 4 years I think (nobody will

tell me how old I was when she left.) She has had a life, since

then, of full blown BPD living. Diagnosed, hospitalized repeatedly,

shot herself, etc. Now she says that god healed her and gave her

mental health. I don't see it. Like here's one for the " Sick Record

Book " when she kept my child in her state and I was fighting to get

her back, she invited my father (who I haven't seen in decades but

have reported his sexual and physical abuse, so we all KNOW about

it), well she invited this man, who she had not seen in years, to

come meet my child. So he did. My child was fucking freaked. She knew

why I never saw my father. She knew what he did to me. It was sick,

and of course BPD mother did it all in the name of family and

christ's forgiveness. That meant that I was the bad guy, because I

wouldn't forgive this violent pedophile for years of abuse and

attempts to kill me with his bare hands. WHAT A NUTJOB my mother is.

And she made a choice, with the father thing, to make my child VERY

uncomfortable. It was just sick.

I don't know how the whole combo of abusive father and BPD mother

that bailed works. Its just my own personal hell of the past. I know

its given me a lot of " issues " that I deal with. Triggers, fleas,

whatever. But I count myself beyond lucky to be completely away from

them all, and to not be a woman that hooks up with abusive men. So

the cycle is broken here, but its sure hard work. huh?

>good to meet you here Laurel,

e

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[Guest guest]

e,

e,

What a powerhouse you've become these days! You're completely right;

your friend is living by the rules of social norms. You're living by

your rules of virtue, happiness and self governance. The difference

between those two is, oh let's say: the lack of virtue in Nazi German

and the apposing of societal norms by Parks. You're doing what's

right and you dare not have to explain yourself. And like you I am

sometimes weak , my cell minutes are rapidly diminishing due to the

separation anxiety, I'm spending a lot of time on here because I need

to remind myself that the reason why I am doing this is real and to

keep her voice from second guessing my judgment (learning to trust

myself). e's growing stronger in a way that is acceptable to

you and is directed by e's values, beliefs and voice. I'm with

you; even if it takes us in reverse for a few moments let's keep

pealing away till we get to ourselves.

Talk to you later,

>

> Hi and Laurel...

> , it feels good to hear that I appear strong. Sometimes I don't

> feel so strong, and its been a long time coming before I could see it

> and appreciate it. Therapy helped, still does, and then just

> realizing that I would never have healthy relationships with any of

> the people in my family. That was hard to let go of.

>

> In our society, its abnormal to most everyone if you don't have

> family in your life. I know that here, with other kids of BPD, that

> I'm not judged as being the fucked up one because my family is out of

> my life. Its one of the hardest parts, developing friendships, to

> have that label of someone that doesn't 'get along' with family.

> Seems like it takes me being vulnerable enough to be known by others,

> then they see that I'M not the problem, that its got to be the family

> of mine. For some reason that was a hard one to deal with. Made me

> ashamed in some ways, but now, when someone said to me recently " what

> if its not them, what if its YOU " I adamantly told them that they

> didn't know what the hell they were talking about, and if they knew

> me at all (they DO) then they'd have to see that I'm not fucked up.

> That it IS them. 'Nuff said! But still its hard huh?...

>

> It feels like being strong sucks a lot. My thought, repeatedly,

> is " screw strong, if living through pain is what makes you strong.

> I'd rather be WEAK and have less pain! " BUT, and this is only since

> being completely NC, I've realized that the strength I gained from

> all that pain really has given me something good. Something

> acceptable, even if its never acceptable but instead ridiculed by my

> family! Basically, MY FAMILY SUCKS! :/ I've got no choice, if I

> want any of my own happiness and success in life, but to leave them

> all in the past and move on alone.

>

> Moving on alone...boy is that one for the books. Someone close to me

> (same person) also said " I couldn't imagine not having my mom. How do

> you do it? Accept that you have no family and that you're alone in

> the world? " Ugh. The only answer I have is this: I GREW UP with

> such shitty family and feeling so completely alone as a little girl,

> that it just took getting older to realize I was ALWAYS alone. Now I

> just live it as reality instead of hoping for something they NEVER

> had to give and never WILL have to give. Its not simplistic, it

> didn't happen overnight (hope doesn't die quickly), but it DID happen.

>

> Sure, I mourn having no family that's a safety net, support,

> encouragement, shoulder to lean on, and all the other things a

> healthy family can be. Sometimes its beyond scary, to be operating

> without a net. Sometimes I cry because its so lonely and nobody

> understands. Other times I realize (like the lightbulb moment I

> posted originally) that THANK GOD I SEE THE TRUTH IN THEM AND AM NO

> LONGER ENSLAVED TO THE SOCIETAL DEMANDS TO 'GET ALONG' WITH FAMILY,

> AND THAT I AM NO LONGER TRYING TO DRAW WATER FROM EMPTY WELLS.

>

> Those realizations, as painful as they were, seemed to be part of

> what got me to the point I'm at now of no longer running away to

> survive, but being in a place to grow and thrive. Free from their

> infection. I'm SO glad I've been hurt so much by them last year. It

> was horrible, but it was the final eye-opening event that showed me

> there is NO hope of getting anything positive from any of them. So,

> as much as it hurt, I'm actually glad that my eyes were opened by

> their continued abusive acts, judgment of me, and rejection. It was

> the straw that broke this camel's back. Better to have had it happen

> than to have continued in the sick dance with them.

>

> Well, didn't plan to go on so long, but its good to have a place to

> do that. Maybe there are others here that are asking the NC question

> for themselves, and maybe hearing something from another KOBPD that

> KNOWS how hard it is to get to that breaking point will help. I hope

> so. I do know that I couldn't have gotten to where I am so far

> without great therapy and great friends. Those have been key life

> savers.

>

> I can see what I want for my future now. I have goals, dreams, and

> hopes. And it really feels like, for the first time, that I can

> attain those. Maybe not all of them, but at least if I'm aiming for

> some I'll hit some

> e

>

[Guest guest]

, you put it into words very well, about this other person

living according to society's norms. Heck if you had normal parents,

wouldn't you pretty much view other people through that " normal

filter " ? Of course

An earlier post said that the person who put those questions to me

was hurtful...or some other word? I thought that myself at first,

and I was somewhat hurt by it before I realized where he was coming

from in asking. He genuinely wanted to understand me and the pain

I've lived through. He loves me. The only reason he asked those

questions was because we were growing an intimate relationship. I

was taking that risk of letting someone see inside my closet where

those horrible secrets are locked away. VERY SCARY STUFF HUH? You

bet. It was so scary for me, that I kept everyone out of there for a

LOONNNGGG time. BUT...That's very lonely. At least it was for me.

Very lonely indeed.

Taking the risk of trusting someone to know my personal pains was a

risk. It was scary (still is sometimes but it was something I

chose to do. Its what I meant when I said about taking the risk of

having friends, people I can trust. It was too damn lonely for too

damn long to keep people from seeing the painful past I lived

through. It was hard for me to even face those years of terrible pain

and loss.

I also had a lot of shame, not rightfully so, but I'm sure many of

you know that shame I mean. This person that asked those questions

also said something wonderful to me (a few things actually) but this

one was SO WONDERFUL. He wrote to me, after reading some of the book

I'm writing about what I've lived through:

" I already think you are an incredible person, and reading this has

only increased my thoughts of how wonderful you are. What I read made

me sad, mad, and sorrowful, but it did not make me for one minute

believe any of it was your fault. This is your chance to tell your

side and maybe help others see they can live through this. I support

you in this endeavor and any help I may be I will be there for you.

I recognize the risk you took in sharing this with me. I want you to

know there is no risk, I would not feel any different towards you

because of what WAS DONE TO YOU. "

Do many of you know that shame we carry because of how we were

abused? I realized it wasn't my shame along the way, and having

others that care about me say " what was done TO you " somehow changes

that shame. It shifts it to its rightful owners: my parents. It

wasn't my actions, I was a child. Waking up to that truth, and then

seeing that truth through others' eyes, was very healing for me. It

was a step on my journey to learning how to love myself.

I'm not writing this to defend the person that said these things. I'm

sharing it because its been a big step in my journey of healing, to

open myself and be vulnerable with who I am, and what the pains are

of my past, and what the truth is of my ugly family. I'm also sharing

it because its been so healing, and I want anyone who sees a bit of

what's helped someone else to heal (me) that might encourage them on

their own journey of healing. I guess its one of the ways I've

accepted that this is the same body that endured such sad abuse. I

feel very strongly that SOMETHING good has to come from that pain,

otherwise I suffered it for no good reason. THAT is somehow VERY

painful and sad for me to accept. I hope that the good that can come

from it is somehow visible in my life. I'd really like to hope that

someday I'll be able to see some good come from those lemons life

handed me

I'm so glad for this place to share some of this stuff. Its part of

the healing, having a voice. Our voices can't be understood by many.

Too much " societal norms " we aren't a part of unfortunately. But the

more we open up, we learn that MANY people have been hurt in varying

degrees. I find that us survivors possess a huge gift of

understanding and compassion that other people in our lives genuinely

treasure and love us for sharing those gifts

e

> >

> > Hi and Laurel...

> > , it feels good to hear that I appear strong. Sometimes I

don't

> > feel so strong, and its been a long time coming before I could

see it

> > and appreciate it. Therapy helped, still does, and then just

> > realizing that I would never have healthy relationships with any

of

> > the people in my family. That was hard to let go of.

> >

> > In our society, its abnormal to most everyone if you don't have

> > family in your life. I know that here, with other kids of BPD,

that

> > I'm not judged as being the fucked up one because my family is

out of

> > my life. Its one of the hardest parts, developing friendships, to

> > have that label of someone that doesn't 'get along' with family.

> > Seems like it takes me being vulnerable enough to be known by

others,

> > then they see that I'M not the problem, that its got to be the

family

> > of mine. For some reason that was a hard one to deal with. Made

me

> > ashamed in some ways, but now, when someone said to me

recently " what

> > if its not them, what if its YOU " I adamantly told them that they

> > didn't know what the hell they were talking about, and if they

knew

> > me at all (they DO) then they'd have to see that I'm not fucked

up.

> > That it IS them. 'Nuff said! But still its hard huh?...

> >

> > It feels like being strong sucks a lot. My thought, repeatedly,

> > is " screw strong, if living through pain is what makes you

strong.

> > I'd rather be WEAK and have less pain! " BUT, and this is only

since

> > being completely NC, I've realized that the strength I gained

from

> > all that pain really has given me something good. Something

> > acceptable, even if its never acceptable but instead ridiculed by

my

> > family! Basically, MY FAMILY SUCKS! :/ I've got no choice, if I

> > want any of my own happiness and success in life, but to leave

them

> > all in the past and move on alone.

> >

> > Moving on alone...boy is that one for the books. Someone close to

me

> > (same person) also said " I couldn't imagine not having my mom.

How do

> > you do it? Accept that you have no family and that you're alone

in

> > the world? " Ugh. The only answer I have is this: I GREW UP with

> > such shitty family and feeling so completely alone as a little

girl,

> > that it just took getting older to realize I was ALWAYS alone.

Now I

> > just live it as reality instead of hoping for something they

NEVER

> > had to give and never WILL have to give. Its not simplistic, it

> > didn't happen overnight (hope doesn't die quickly), but it DID

happen.

> >

> > Sure, I mourn having no family that's a safety net, support,

> > encouragement, shoulder to lean on, and all the other things a

> > healthy family can be. Sometimes its beyond scary, to be

operating

> > without a net. Sometimes I cry because its so lonely and nobody

> > understands. Other times I realize (like the lightbulb moment I

> > posted originally) that THANK GOD I SEE THE TRUTH IN THEM AND AM

NO

> > LONGER ENSLAVED TO THE SOCIETAL DEMANDS TO 'GET ALONG' WITH

FAMILY,

> > AND THAT I AM NO LONGER TRYING TO DRAW WATER FROM EMPTY WELLS.

> >

> > Those realizations, as painful as they were, seemed to be part of

> > what got me to the point I'm at now of no longer running away to

> > survive, but being in a place to grow and thrive. Free from their

> > infection. I'm SO glad I've been hurt so much by them last year.

It

> > was horrible, but it was the final eye-opening event that showed

me

> > there is NO hope of getting anything positive from any of them.

So,

> > as much as it hurt, I'm actually glad that my eyes were opened by

> > their continued abusive acts, judgment of me, and rejection. It

was

> > the straw that broke this camel's back. Better to have had it

happen

> > than to have continued in the sick dance with them.

> >

> > Well, didn't plan to go on so long, but its good to have a place

to

> > do that. Maybe there are others here that are asking the NC

question

> > for themselves, and maybe hearing something from another KOBPD

that

> > KNOWS how hard it is to get to that breaking point will help. I

hope

> > so. I do know that I couldn't have gotten to where I am so far

> > without great therapy and great friends. Those have been key life

> > savers.

> >

> > I can see what I want for my future now. I have goals, dreams,

and

> > hopes. And it really feels like, for the first time, that I can

> > attain those. Maybe not all of them, but at least if I'm aiming

for

> > some I'll hit some

> > e

> >

>