Guest guest Posted October 29, 2006 Report Posted October 29, 2006 , welcome and congratulations on making more sense out of your situation with your mother. The behavior you described is typical of behavior that is often to be found on this board and you can get a lot of advice on specific topics as you pinpoint areas you really want to work on. As for general advice as for what's worked for me: therapy, therapy, therapy and reading Stop Walking on Eggshels and Surviving the Borderline Parent. If your nada is physically violent and you are concerned she is out of control, I'd also consider having a serious action plan--locked doors are a good start, but also alert trusted neighbors(you can do this without going into gorry details), also I've heard of people talking to their local police station to let them know about the problem and get their ideas on how to deal with any concerns that may arrise. You might feel better taking that step. Don't be afraid to call the police if your nada is threatening you or trespassing on your property or otherwise violating local/federal law! That's my two cents. It sucks having a BP parent, but there's a lot y ou can do to make life sane once you know. Trish > > Dear all, > > I can't believe it. After 31 years of dealing with a bp mother, and not knowing what was > wrong with her, I am sitting here reading your posts and tears are running down my face > because I am so NOT ALONE. Short history, which seems like a common story here: > > Traumatic childhood marked by verbal and emotional abuse, with mother periodically > hospitalized for nonspecific mental illness. Father is a brow-beaten jellyfish who I always > perceived as a glutton for abuse (mental and physical) at her hands. Late teens, removed > from home and went NC for approx. 5 years, during which she was in and out of hospitals > and treated with all kinds of meds. Parents fought NC with various abusive results. Dealt > with my own depression during this time. Reestablished contact in 1998. Mother > diagnosed bipolar and treated with meds, and improved but still there was something I > couldn't put my finger on, Resentfulness and irrational behaviors not explained by bipolar > syndromes. > > One year ago s & *t hit the fan all of a sudden. Parents divorced, mother became > increasingly dependant on me for emotional support. Attempted (supposedly) suicide Jan > 2006 (I say supposedly b/c we think she dumped the pills down the drain and said she > took them all...they found no pills in her stomach even though she has a lap band and > could not have digested them that quickly, however the bottle of 90 xanax was empty--we > suspect lying for the sake of illiciting sympathy and manipulation-would not be a surprise > to me) Recovered somewhat. I got pregnant with my first baby and she got all kinds of > extra weird at that point, majorly obsessed with the baby and buying him things, calling > me 10 times a day. I got a little scared but didn't know what to do. > > Moved an hour from her home to be nearer to me last week. Her perception was 'noone > helped me' even tho four people drove her things down and dropped them off in her new > apartment and four others (including my dad, who still takes her crap even after they are > divorced) stood there and watched her cry about 'this stuff will never fit in this dump, just > leave it'....etc, resisting help and trying to blame us for her bad choices. I was fed up so I > went home, and since I am 7 months pregnant now I need to avoid stress. > > Attempted suicide again Tuesday Oct 24. I have been essentially NC since Thursday. > Changed my cell number and blocked her number on the house phone. She is out of the > hospital and only 5 miles away now and i am so scared of her I can't sleep. I keep > checking all the doors to see if they are locked. I had a nightmare that she stabbed me in > my baby belly and then I strangled her. Had another dream that she broke in my house, > killed my dog, and burned the crib she bought for us. The sound of her voicemails (from > before I changed the numbers) instills such anxiety that I had to have my husband listen to > them in the other room to avoid the stress. Told him to save them if they are threatening > so I can build legal grounds for protection. > > I was curious last night, this can't just be bipolar, so I looked around online and took the > quiz on mentalhelp.com pretending to be her and when I read about borderline I screamed > out. She has every single textbook symptom. I can't stop reading the info now and > comparing my story to everyone else's, because we have all lived the same lives! My > friends try very hard to understand, but they really can't b/c their parents do not act like > this. What I want to know is how she can have been to so many doctors and in so many > hospitals and nobody ever said 'you are borderline personality'? I am serious, she is > EXACTLY what I read is a typical BP. How can they have missed that? Or maybe they didn't > and she just never told anyone that part... > > I can't subject myself or my family to any more abuse at this woman's hands. It has to > stop NOW. I really just want and need to be free of this, but I fear this is only the > beginning. I think you guys know what I mean, she won't give up just b/c she can't leave > voicemails. She will show up or call someone else and be malicious or SOMETHING to try > to get to me and punish me for 'turning my back on her'. She has been known to be > physically violent too. > > Any and all advice or encourangement is much appreciated. It feels so good to know that > someone, lots of people in fact, know what I have been, am going, and will go through. > Thanks for being there and understanding. Things may not be all better yet but they are > starting to make a lot more sense.... > > > Quote
Guest guest Posted October 29, 2006 Report Posted October 29, 2006 , Welcome to the group. I am glad that you have found this safe place to be yourself, express yourself, discuss topics of concern, humor, and get the much needed support for the road of healing from BPD Abuse. I am so proud of you for putting yourself, your family - husband and baby, first, and taking action to protect yourself. As you have read, many people here have children and have had to take protective measures against their nada's to ensure their quality of life, and sometimes, safety. I extend my empathy to you for your nada's suicide attempt so recently. Those used to trigger me, but after going n/c with her (and even a bit before) they just don't have any real effect over me. You are strong as you survived an extremely abusive, traumatic childhood. Thank God that that is over. Welcome - and keep posting and keep yourself safe. Congratulations on your expected bundle of joy! Greg. julieanngiles wrote: Dear all, I can't believe it. After 31 years of dealing with a bp mother, and not knowing what was wrong with her, I am sitting here reading your posts and tears are running down my face because I am so NOT ALONE. Short history, which seems like a common story here: Traumatic childhood marked by verbal and emotional abuse, with mother periodically hospitalized for nonspecific mental illness. Father is a brow-beaten jellyfish who I always perceived as a glutton for abuse (mental and physical) at her hands. Late teens, removed from home and went NC for approx. 5 years, during which she was in and out of hospitals and treated with all kinds of meds. Parents fought NC with various abusive results. Dealt with my own depression during this time. Reestablished contact in 1998. Mother diagnosed bipolar and treated with meds, and improved but still there was something I couldn't put my finger on, Resentfulness and irrational behaviors not explained by bipolar syndromes. One year ago s & *t hit the fan all of a sudden. Parents divorced, mother became increasingly dependant on me for emotional support. Attempted (supposedly) suicide Jan 2006 (I say supposedly b/c we think she dumped the pills down the drain and said she took them all...they found no pills in her stomach even though she has a lap band and could not have digested them that quickly, however the bottle of 90 xanax was empty--we suspect lying for the sake of illiciting sympathy and manipulation-would not be a surprise to me) Recovered somewhat. I got pregnant with my first baby and she got all kinds of extra weird at that point, majorly obsessed with the baby and buying him things, calling me 10 times a day. I got a little scared but didn't know what to do. Moved an hour from her home to be nearer to me last week. Her perception was 'noone helped me' even tho four people drove her things down and dropped them off in her new apartment and four others (including my dad, who still takes her crap even after they are divorced) stood there and watched her cry about 'this stuff will never fit in this dump, just leave it'....etc, resisting help and trying to blame us for her bad choices. I was fed up so I went home, and since I am 7 months pregnant now I need to avoid stress. Attempted suicide again Tuesday Oct 24. I have been essentially NC since Thursday. Changed my cell number and blocked her number on the house phone. She is out of the hospital and only 5 miles away now and i am so scared of her I can't sleep. I keep checking all the doors to see if they are locked. I had a nightmare that she stabbed me in my baby belly and then I strangled her. Had another dream that she broke in my house, killed my dog, and burned the crib she bought for us. The sound of her voicemails (from before I changed the numbers) instills such anxiety that I had to have my husband listen to them in the other room to avoid the stress. Told him to save them if they are threatening so I can build legal grounds for protection. I was curious last night, this can't just be bipolar, so I looked around online and took the quiz on mentalhelp.com pretending to be her and when I read about borderline I screamed out. She has every single textbook symptom. I can't stop reading the info now and comparing my story to everyone else's, because we have all lived the same lives! My friends try very hard to understand, but they really can't b/c their parents do not act like this. What I want to know is how she can have been to so many doctors and in so many hospitals and nobody ever said 'you are borderline personality'? I am serious, she is EXACTLY what I read is a typical BP. How can they have missed that? Or maybe they didn't and she just never told anyone that part... I can't subject myself or my family to any more abuse at this woman's hands. It has to stop NOW. I really just want and need to be free of this, but I fear this is only the beginning. I think you guys know what I mean, she won't give up just b/c she can't leave voicemails. She will show up or call someone else and be malicious or SOMETHING to try to get to me and punish me for 'turning my back on her'. She has been known to be physically violent too. Any and all advice or encourangement is much appreciated. It feels so good to know that someone, lots of people in fact, know what I have been, am going, and will go through. Thanks for being there and understanding. Things may not be all better yet but they are starting to make a lot more sense.... __________________________________________________ Quote
Guest guest Posted October 29, 2006 Report Posted October 29, 2006 I am glad you found this place- its one of the few places where people " get it " when I describe some things growing up. The other day I asked my husband if he had been hit growing up. At first he didn't understand even what I was asking- he said he had been spanked a couple of times. I said I meant hit, like slapped, kicked, hit with the hair brush or other handy objects, etc. He just laughed and said no. And then I explained that I was sort of curious because I was hit and so forth. As great as he is about my Nada and he is the reason I know she has a personality disorder and so forth he is very supportive, he just doesn't really " get it " . His family has nice and normal people in it. The people here do get it, they understand. -Ata > > , > > Welcome to the group. I am glad that you have found this safe place to be > yourself, express yourself, discuss topics of concern, humor, and get the > much needed support for the road of healing from BPD Abuse. > > I am so proud of you for putting yourself, your family - husband and baby, > first, and taking action to protect yourself. As you have read, many people > here have children and have had to take protective measures against their > nada's to ensure their quality of life, and sometimes, safety. > > I extend my empathy to you for your nada's suicide attempt so recently. > Those used to trigger me, but after going n/c with her (and even a bit > before) they just don't have any real effect over me. You are strong as you > survived an extremely abusive, traumatic childhood. Thank God that that is > over. > > Welcome - and keep posting and keep yourself safe. Congratulations on your > expected bundle of joy! > > Greg. > > julieanngiles <julieanngiles@... <julieanngiles%40yahoo.com>> wrote: > Dear all, > > I can't believe it. After 31 years of dealing with a bp mother, and not > knowing what was > wrong with her, I am sitting here reading your posts and tears are running > down my face > because I am so NOT ALONE. Short history, which seems like a common story > here: > > Traumatic childhood marked by verbal and emotional abuse, with mother > periodically > hospitalized for nonspecific mental illness. Father is a brow-beaten > jellyfish who I always > perceived as a glutton for abuse (mental and physical) at her hands. Late > teens, removed > from home and went NC for approx. 5 years, during which she was in and out > of hospitals > and treated with all kinds of meds. Parents fought NC with various abusive > results. Dealt > with my own depression during this time. Reestablished contact in 1998. > Mother > diagnosed bipolar and treated with meds, and improved but still there was > something I > couldn't put my finger on, Resentfulness and irrational behaviors not > explained by bipolar > syndromes. > > One year ago s & *t hit the fan all of a sudden. Parents divorced, mother > became > increasingly dependant on me for emotional support. Attempted (supposedly) > suicide Jan > 2006 (I say supposedly b/c we think she dumped the pills down the drain > and said she > took them all...they found no pills in her stomach even though she has a > lap band and > could not have digested them that quickly, however the bottle of 90 xanax > was empty--we > suspect lying for the sake of illiciting sympathy and manipulation-would > not be a surprise > to me) Recovered somewhat. I got pregnant with my first baby and she got > all kinds of > extra weird at that point, majorly obsessed with the baby and buying him > things, calling > me 10 times a day. I got a little scared but didn't know what to do. > > Moved an hour from her home to be nearer to me last week. Her perception > was 'noone > helped me' even tho four people drove her things down and dropped them off > in her new > apartment and four others (including my dad, who still takes her crap even > after they are > divorced) stood there and watched her cry about 'this stuff will never fit > in this dump, just > leave it'....etc, resisting help and trying to blame us for her bad > choices. I was fed up so I > went home, and since I am 7 months pregnant now I need to avoid stress. > > Attempted suicide again Tuesday Oct 24. I have been essentially NC since > Thursday. > Changed my cell number and blocked her number on the house phone. She is > out of the > hospital and only 5 miles away now and i am so scared of her I can't > sleep. I keep > checking all the doors to see if they are locked. I had a nightmare that > she stabbed me in > my baby belly and then I strangled her. Had another dream that she broke > in my house, > killed my dog, and burned the crib she bought for us. The sound of her > voicemails (from > before I changed the numbers) instills such anxiety that I had to have my > husband listen to > them in the other room to avoid the stress. Told him to save them if they > are threatening > so I can build legal grounds for protection. > > I was curious last night, this can't just be bipolar, so I looked around > online and took the > quiz on mentalhelp.com pretending to be her and when I read about > borderline I screamed > out. She has every single textbook symptom. I can't stop reading the info > now and > comparing my story to everyone else's, because we have all lived the same > lives! My > friends try very hard to understand, but they really can't b/c their > parents do not act like > this. What I want to know is how she can have been to so many doctors and > in so many > hospitals and nobody ever said 'you are borderline personality'? I am > serious, she is > EXACTLY what I read is a typical BP. How can they have missed that? Or > maybe they didn't > and she just never told anyone that part... > > I can't subject myself or my family to any more abuse at this woman's > hands. It has to > stop NOW. I really just want and need to be free of this, but I fear this > is only the > beginning. I think you guys know what I mean, she won't give up just b/c > she can't leave > voicemails. She will show up or call someone else and be malicious or > SOMETHING to try > to get to me and punish me for 'turning my back on her'. She has been > known to be > physically violent too. > > Any and all advice or encourangement is much appreciated. It feels so good > to know that > someone, lots of people in fact, know what I have been, am going, and will > go through. > Thanks for being there and understanding. Things may not be all better yet > but they are > starting to make a lot more sense.... > > > > __________________________________________________ > Quote
Guest guest Posted October 29, 2006 Report Posted October 29, 2006 Hi , I just wanted to welcome you as well. I just joined this group last week, and I've already learned so much and just feel such relief that I am not alone in this. Another great book besides the 2 mentioned is Understanding the Borderline Mother. I am in the middle of it now and it's almost scary to read and feel that the entire book was written for me. I'm not married and I don't have children yet, so I am still struggling btwn being very angry with my nada and feeling pity for her and guilt for my anger. What I gather from other people's posts, however, is that once you have children esp. you can't worry about hurting your nada's feelings but you need to make sure you protect your child. Best of luck learning about BPD and with the end of your pregnancy! Quote
Guest guest Posted October 29, 2006 Report Posted October 29, 2006 Hi everyone, thanks for your encouranging notes. I SO appreciate them! My Dad called tonite to tell me that he got a call from an Aunt and my Mom's only friend. Apparently she has not returned anyones calls for two days and they are all worried. I said " Well she's an adult and she can take care of herself. " He said then " Well she might be dead! " and I said " am not responsible for her safety or wellbeing. I cannot go over there to check on her, that is exactly what she wants. " I told my Dad to stay out of it and not to let her manipulate him! I think some of it is getting through for once. I think he is finally understanding that his coddling her does not help the situation, and that it in fact it makes it worse because it reinforces her behavior. But I also know that she will never understand that her behavior is inappropriate because in her mind we all should feel sorry for her and take care of her, no matter how badly she treats us. I am reading " Surviving a Borderline Parent " and I picked up " ...Borderline Mother " as well, which I will read next. I sent copies to my brother as well, and I send SWOE to my Dad. I'll borrow that from him when he's done reading it. Thanks so much for offering encouragement and support to me now, when I certainly need it the most. > > Hi , > > I just wanted to welcome you as well. I just joined this group last > week, and I've already learned so much and just feel such relief that > I am not alone in this. Another great book besides the 2 mentioned is > Understanding the Borderline Mother. I am in the middle of it now and > it's almost scary to read and feel that the entire book was written > for me. > > I'm not married and I don't have children yet, so I am still > struggling btwn being very angry with my nada and feeling pity for her > and guilt for my anger. What I gather from other people's posts, > however, is that once you have children esp. you can't worry about > hurting your nada's feelings but you need to make sure you protect > your child. Best of luck learning about BPD and with the end of your > pregnancy! > > > Quote
Guest guest Posted October 29, 2006 Report Posted October 29, 2006 , proceed with caution. Your father may look like he is on board, but he is probably (like most father's of borderline spouses)is on board with your mother. They seem to have a nack for appearing to be helping you, but in the end they are trying to help their spouse. Don't be the sacraficial lamb. Stay strong. If you are worried about her, send the police. They can deal with her. Best Wishes, Kw > >Reply-To: WTOAdultChildren1 >To: WTOAdultChildren1 >Subject: Re: I can't believe it >Date: Sun, 29 Oct 2006 23:29:21 -0000 > >Hi everyone, thanks for your encouranging notes. I SO appreciate them! My >Dad called >tonite to tell me that he got a call from an Aunt and my Mom's only friend. > Apparently she >has not returned anyones calls for two days and they are all worried. I >said " Well she's an >adult and she can take care of herself. " He said then " Well she might be >dead! " and I said " >am not responsible for her safety or wellbeing. I cannot go over there to >check on her, >that is exactly what she wants. " I told my Dad to stay out of it and not >to let her >manipulate him! I think some of it is getting through for once. I think >he is finally >understanding that his coddling her does not help the situation, and that >it in fact it >makes it worse because it reinforces her behavior. > >But I also know that she will never understand that her behavior is >inappropriate because >in her mind we all should feel sorry for her and take care of her, no >matter how badly she >treats us. > >I am reading " Surviving a Borderline Parent " and I picked up " ...Borderline >Mother " as well, >which I will read next. I sent copies to my brother as well, and I send >SWOE to my Dad. I'll >borrow that from him when he's done reading it. > >Thanks so much for offering encouragement and support to me now, when I >certainly need >it the most. > > > > > > Hi , > > > > I just wanted to welcome you as well. I just joined this group last > > week, and I've already learned so much and just feel such relief that > > I am not alone in this. Another great book besides the 2 mentioned is > > Understanding the Borderline Mother. I am in the middle of it now and > > it's almost scary to read and feel that the entire book was written > > for me. > > > > I'm not married and I don't have children yet, so I am still > > struggling btwn being very angry with my nada and feeling pity for her > > and guilt for my anger. What I gather from other people's posts, > > however, is that once you have children esp. you can't worry about > > hurting your nada's feelings but you need to make sure you protect > > your child. Best of luck learning about BPD and with the end of your > > pregnancy! > > > > > > > > > > > >Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at >@.... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON >THE GROUP. > >To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL >() for your copy. We also refer to “Understanding the >Borderline Mother” (Lawson) and “Surviving the Borderline Parent,” (Roth) >which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! > >From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE >and the SWOE Workbook. > Quote
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