Re: What will give satisfaction?

[Guest guest]

I get it. What I want the most (but know is not going to happen): I want

my Nada to have an epiphany and a complete turnaround. I want her to go

into therapy and to get better and become a " real " mom to me and to have a

healthy and normal and functional life. Of course even I have trouble

imagining that in my fantasies. I also sort of want her to die sometimes.

Of course I feel guilty about that- and its not like I really want her to

die its just that I want her complications removed from the sitauation. So

I guess I really want her to say, " hmm maybe I am not behaving in the way

that is best for my son and I should listen to my daughter's advice as wacky

as it may seem. She does have a degree where she learned all about this

stuff and she is his sister " And then I would want her to do some things

different like look into group homes in the area and residential day

programs and other options and even consider dramatically changing her

living arangement to a more affordable one- switch up the large and old farm

house that constantly needs repairs for a townhouse maybe or something. Or

to even have her just give me custody of my brother and go take care of

herself.

I don't think we can have what we really want- what most people would want-

which is to know that these people are not going to trouble us but that they

are safe and happy.

-Ata

>

> I know what you mean, I totally understand. Sometimes I wish my Fada

> dead, and I feel a little guilty about it. It's not like I really

> want him to die, I just want him to go away & stop interfering in

> any-body's lives, but I know the only way that's really possible is if

> he's dead.

>

> On the other hand, my Fada is also having trouble selling a " house "

> (manufactured home) in what was the hottest market in the U.S. I do

> get a little satisfaction from that because he bought a place that had

> maximum hurricane damage without being declared totalled, at the

> height of the market, so he could " fixed " it up & re-sell it for a

> profit.

>

> But I realize that, after they put so much money into it, and not

> being able to sell it, the one who really gets hurt is my mom. So I

> can't be too happy cuz his failures just drag her down. And all I can

> really think about is he's spending money that she'll need when she's

> old to take care of herself (cuz more than likely he'll die first), so

> then money will probably come out of my pocket to help my mom. Not

> that I wouldn't help pay for my mom's care anyways, but it's the

> principal of the thing: he's not doing the best things for their future.

>

> So in the end, I agree: I just want him to go away & stop f-ing up

> everyone's lives.

>

>

> >

> > Dh and I were talking last night about nada and dishrag. They are

> > having trouble selling their home, they have health problems and

> > financial problems among other things and dh asked me, " does it give

> > you satisfaction that they are having trouble? " I thought about this

> > and I said " No it really doesn't I wish they could sell so they

> > could move farther away " He brought up the point it wouldn't be that

> > much farther. I still don't care, to me I really don't care what

> > happens in their life. To me my nada is dead and dishrag is a man I

> > sometimes talk to in order to stay out of court. We were talking

> > about what would give me satisfaction with them. So what is my

> > answer? I really couldn't tell you because I don't even know that

> > myself. 1 my nada could be exposed to all the people for all she has

> > ever done. 2 dishrag could finally see her and divorce her. 3 she

> > could die 4 she could mooch until the day she or dishrag die 5 she

> > continues on her path of destruction. 6 she gets help and I still

> > don't want her in my life. To be honest I don't like any of these. I

> > don't give a rats tail what happens. I just want her to go away. I

> > don't want to know. I don't want to see any more pain in my life or

> > anybody else's. There is nothing she could do that could take away

> > the pain. I don't even want to see her in pain, I just want it to be

> > over. There is nothing that could cure this, nothing that can take

> > it away, nothing that can fix things. I will just live for the

> > future there is no sense in living for the past. I don't care what

> > happens I just want it to end. Can you understand? I just feel numb

> > to them.

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Lizzy and Kath. . .This is an issue that's been on my mind a lot

lately as my parents approach their 60's with no retirement in sight,

health insurance paid for by their small company, and ridiculous

financial decisions up the wazoo! In addition, they are some of the

most unecessarily unhealthy people I've ever met--overweight, high

colesterol, blood pressure, diabetic symptoms all coupled with a frank

refusal to go to the doctors ...oh, and did I mention they cashed in

their life insurance?

I know that their problems are not necessarily mine, but I can't shake

the stress I feel at knowing that things must eventually hit the fan

for people who choose to live like this. I will not be in any

position to help them because they have created a catastrophe that's

impossible for anyone to mend. But I know that, when the time comes,

I will probably be pretty stressed. I feel guilt even now!

I know what you both mean about wishing they'd just go away. . . It's

almost as if I'm becoming to exhausted to really deal with it anymore.

Trish

> >

> > Dh and I were talking last night about nada and dishrag. They are

> > having trouble selling their home, they have health problems and

> > financial problems among other things and dh asked me, " does it give

> > you satisfaction that they are having trouble? " I thought about this

> > and I said " No it really doesn't I wish they could sell so they

> > could move farther away " He brought up the point it wouldn't be that

> > much farther. I still don't care, to me I really don't care what

> > happens in their life. To me my nada is dead and dishrag is a man I

> > sometimes talk to in order to stay out of court. We were talking

> > about what would give me satisfaction with them. So what is my

> > answer? I really couldn't tell you because I don't even know that

> > myself. 1 my nada could be exposed to all the people for all she has

> > ever done. 2 dishrag could finally see her and divorce her. 3 she

> > could die 4 she could mooch until the day she or dishrag die 5 she

> > continues on her path of destruction. 6 she gets help and I still

> > don't want her in my life. To be honest I don't like any of these. I

> > don't give a rats tail what happens. I just want her to go away. I

> > don't want to know. I don't want to see any more pain in my life or

> > anybody else's. There is nothing she could do that could take away

> > the pain. I don't even want to see her in pain, I just want it to be

> > over. There is nothing that could cure this, nothing that can take

> > it away, nothing that can fix things. I will just live for the

> > future there is no sense in living for the past. I don't care what

> > happens I just want it to end. Can you understand? I just feel numb

> > to them.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I also worry about Nada aging. She had no insurance and that is not her

fault. She has this pride that is her fault and it leads her to avoid

regular checkups and free clinics and charity care of any kind like the

plague. She has osteoporosis she is big time denial about. And she will

say, " well if I did have it, there is nothing they could do about it other

than tell me to take calcium " . When I point out that they have made

advancements in the treatment such as x,y, and z it all falls on deaf ears.

This is a good day. On a bad day she rages about how I would dare be so

disrespectful to her so as to accuse her of shrinking and point out her poor

posture (that slight hump in her back which she is getting she claims is

just bad posture and very rude of me to point out and disresptful of my

elders). She finally had a bladder/uterine prolapse thing checked out this

year after having symptoms for several years that she refused to check out.

She came to the conclusion for a very short while that extra physical

activcity seemed to bother it and that seemed to affect her hormones and

that affected her moods in a negative way. She got over being insightful

though.

She is 58 now. I figure in about ten years I will really start to worry.

-Ata

>

> Lizzy and Kath. . .This is an issue that's been on my mind a lot

> lately as my parents approach their 60's with no retirement in sight,

> health insurance paid for by their small company, and ridiculous

> financial decisions up the wazoo! In addition, they are some of the

> most unecessarily unhealthy people I've ever met--overweight, high

> colesterol, blood pressure, diabetic symptoms all coupled with a frank

> refusal to go to the doctors ...oh, and did I mention they cashed in

> their life insurance?

>

> I know that their problems are not necessarily mine, but I can't shake

> the stress I feel at knowing that things must eventually hit the fan

> for people who choose to live like this. I will not be in any

> position to help them because they have created a catastrophe that's

> impossible for anyone to mend. But I know that, when the time comes,

> I will probably be pretty stressed. I feel guilt even now!

>

> I know what you both mean about wishing they'd just go away. . . It's

> almost as if I'm becoming to exhausted to really deal with it anymore.

>

> Trish

>

>

> > >

> > > Dh and I were talking last night about nada and dishrag. They are

> > > having trouble selling their home, they have health problems and

> > > financial problems among other things and dh asked me, " does it give

> > > you satisfaction that they are having trouble? " I thought about this

> > > and I said " No it really doesn't I wish they could sell so they

> > > could move farther away " He brought up the point it wouldn't be that

> > > much farther. I still don't care, to me I really don't care what

> > > happens in their life. To me my nada is dead and dishrag is a man I

> > > sometimes talk to in order to stay out of court. We were talking

> > > about what would give me satisfaction with them. So what is my

> > > answer? I really couldn't tell you because I don't even know that

> > > myself. 1 my nada could be exposed to all the people for all she has

> > > ever done. 2 dishrag could finally see her and divorce her. 3 she

> > > could die 4 she could mooch until the day she or dishrag die 5 she

> > > continues on her path of destruction. 6 she gets help and I still

> > > don't want her in my life. To be honest I don't like any of these. I

> > > don't give a rats tail what happens. I just want her to go away. I

> > > don't want to know. I don't want to see any more pain in my life or

> > > anybody else's. There is nothing she could do that could take away

> > > the pain. I don't even want to see her in pain, I just want it to be

> > > over. There is nothing that could cure this, nothing that can take

> > > it away, nothing that can fix things. I will just live for the

> > > future there is no sense in living for the past. I don't care what

> > > happens I just want it to end. Can you understand? I just feel numb

> > > to them.

> > >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Everyday that has gone by since n/c, I realize that I have days I don't even

think of my nada. THAT IS A FIRST!! and I love it. It means that even though

things in my life are not the way I planned it, I am focusing on me and not her.

And when I think of her right now, she seems kind of out of focus and greyed out

in the distance. I feel neither love nor hate towards her any more. My dream

come true. I have a feeling that in therapy, there will be certain things that

will bring up feelings about the past and nada, but one of the biggest blessings

is that in my present life, she is just disappearing, like a person I thought

was a friend and I learned wasn't, said good-bye and now they are gone. I am

ALIVE!!

Greg.

lizzyboo81 wrote:

Dh and I were talking last night about nada and dishrag. They are

having trouble selling their home, they have health problems and

financial problems among other things and dh asked me, " does it give

you satisfaction that they are having trouble? " I thought about this

and I said " No it really doesn't I wish they could sell so they

could move farther away " He brought up the point it wouldn't be that

much farther. I still don't care, to me I really don't care what

happens in their life. To me my nada is dead and dishrag is a man I

sometimes talk to in order to stay out of court. We were talking

about what would give me satisfaction with them. So what is my

answer? I really couldn't tell you because I don't even know that

myself. 1 my nada could be exposed to all the people for all she has

ever done. 2 dishrag could finally see her and divorce her. 3 she

could die 4 she could mooch until the day she or dishrag die 5 she

continues on her path of destruction. 6 she gets help and I still

don't want her in my life. To be honest I don't like any of these. I

don't give a rats tail what happens. I just want her to go away. I

don't want to know. I don't want to see any more pain in my life or

anybody else's. There is nothing she could do that could take away

the pain. I don't even want to see her in pain, I just want it to be

over. There is nothing that could cure this, nothing that can take

it away, nothing that can fix things. I will just live for the

future there is no sense in living for the past. I don't care what

happens I just want it to end. Can you understand? I just feel numb

to them.

---------------------------------

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[Guest guest]

Interesting thread, you guys. Not something I've thought about much. With my

nada,

there is a molestation issue, and also, I was split bad the vast majority of my

childhood.

So my main wish is for her to disappear. I don't wish for her to be treated and

be in my

life, because even if she became fully functioning now, her presence would still

trigger me

too much, because of the past.

But I do wish very much to be close to the rest of my family--including (god

help me),

dishrag, and also my sister, who I believe is most likely a bpd, but who did not

traumitize

me enough in childhood that her presence is now a trigger. I do wish for my

sister to be

treated, and helped, very much. Anyway I guess my wish is that I can maintain

geographic

and financial safety enough so that I can enjoy loving time w/the rest of my

family on

certain holidays--during which time nada would be either in submissive mode or

only

present in limited doses that, though painful, I could handle overall. I do not

want to lose

contact with my entire family over this. That is part of the reason I have not

chosen to

openly go n/c; instead I maintain my own version of limited contact combined

with

stubborn denial that it's happening and start refusal to discuss it. (Who says

nadas are the

only ones good at crazymaking?)

x

Charlie

> > >

> > > Dh and I were talking last night about nada and dishrag. They are

> > > having trouble selling their home, they have health problems and

> > > financial problems among other things and dh asked me, " does it give

> > > you satisfaction that they are having trouble? " I thought about this

> > > and I said " No it really doesn't I wish they could sell so they

> > > could move farther away " He brought up the point it wouldn't be that

> > > much farther. I still don't care, to me I really don't care what

> > > happens in their life. To me my nada is dead and dishrag is a man I

> > > sometimes talk to in order to stay out of court. We were talking

> > > about what would give me satisfaction with them. So what is my

> > > answer? I really couldn't tell you because I don't even know that

> > > myself. 1 my nada could be exposed to all the people for all she has

> > > ever done. 2 dishrag could finally see her and divorce her. 3 she

> > > could die 4 she could mooch until the day she or dishrag die 5 she

> > > continues on her path of destruction. 6 she gets help and I still

> > > don't want her in my life. To be honest I don't like any of these. I

> > > don't give a rats tail what happens. I just want her to go away. I

> > > don't want to know. I don't want to see any more pain in my life or

> > > anybody else's. There is nothing she could do that could take away

> > > the pain. I don't even want to see her in pain, I just want it to be

> > > over. There is nothing that could cure this, nothing that can take

> > > it away, nothing that can fix things. I will just live for the

> > > future there is no sense in living for the past. I don't care what

> > > happens I just want it to end. Can you understand? I just feel numb

> > > to them.

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Ata, Wouldn't that be a miracle! I think getting all of that would

be nothing short of a miracle! I am glad you know what you would

want I feel less certain. We can dream about what we would want that

never hurts anybody. I think if any BP admitted and got help and

changed and apologized and did all that it really would be a

miracle! We can dream . Love Lizzy

> > > >

> > > > Dh and I were talking last night about nada and dishrag.

They are

> > > > having trouble selling their home, they have health problems

and

> > > > financial problems among other things and dh asked me, " does

it give

> > > > you satisfaction that they are having trouble? " I thought

about this

> > > > and I said " No it really doesn't I wish they could sell so

they

> > > > could move farther away " He brought up the point it wouldn't

be that

> > > > much farther. I still don't care, to me I really don't care

what

> > > > happens in their life. To me my nada is dead and dishrag is

a man I

> > > > sometimes talk to in order to stay out of court. We were

talking

> > > > about what would give me satisfaction with them. So what is

my

> > > > answer? I really couldn't tell you because I don't even know

that

> > > > myself. 1 my nada could be exposed to all the people for all

she has

> > > > ever done. 2 dishrag could finally see her and divorce her.

3 she

> > > > could die 4 she could mooch until the day she or dishrag die

5 she

> > > > continues on her path of destruction. 6 she gets help and I

still

> > > > don't want her in my life. To be honest I don't like any of

these. I

> > > > don't give a rats tail what happens. I just want her to go

away. I

> > > > don't want to know. I don't want to see any more pain in my

life or

> > > > anybody else's. There is nothing she could do that could

take away

> > > > the pain. I don't even want to see her in pain, I just want

it to be

> > > > over. There is nothing that could cure this, nothing that

can take

> > > > it away, nothing that can fix things. I will just live for

the

> > > > future there is no sense in living for the past. I don't

care what

> > > > happens I just want it to end. Can you understand? I just

feel numb

> > > > to them.

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Charlie, How interesting the different view points and replies to

this. I kind of feel like you Charlie, even if my nada was

rehabilitated I still don't want her because of the molestation to

me and others and the physical violence to my children and my self.

I can't forget that. I cant get over all she did, she can never take

it back. Even if she got better I still don't want her. I wish she

never did what she did but that is too late. So now I guess I just

don't care. I am over her. Of course sometimes I miss the idea of

a " mom " but I don't miss my nada. I don't wish her or dishrag evil.

I don't even know if I ever want to have a relationship with my

sister. I cant even decide that. Is that bad not to know? Am I

abnormal for not craving a relationship with my sister or other

family members? I just think even if my sister were to have a blow

out w/ my nada would I even want my sis in my life? I don't know?

There is so much left hanging in the air blowing in the wind. Let it

be up to God, fate, destiny or the choice of the people but I just

can't put my finger on what is best for everybody in a situation

like this. It is all to messed up. Love Lizzy

> > > >

> > > > Dh and I were talking last night about nada and dishrag.

They are

> > > > having trouble selling their home, they have health problems

and

> > > > financial problems among other things and dh asked me, " does

it give

> > > > you satisfaction that they are having trouble? " I thought

about this

> > > > and I said " No it really doesn't I wish they could sell so

they

> > > > could move farther away " He brought up the point it wouldn't

be that

> > > > much farther. I still don't care, to me I really don't care

what

> > > > happens in their life. To me my nada is dead and dishrag is

a man I

> > > > sometimes talk to in order to stay out of court. We were

talking

> > > > about what would give me satisfaction with them. So what is

my

> > > > answer? I really couldn't tell you because I don't even know

that

> > > > myself. 1 my nada could be exposed to all the people for all

she has

> > > > ever done. 2 dishrag could finally see her and divorce her.

3 she

> > > > could die 4 she could mooch until the day she or dishrag die

5 she

> > > > continues on her path of destruction. 6 she gets help and I

still

> > > > don't want her in my life. To be honest I don't like any of

these. I

> > > > don't give a rats tail what happens. I just want her to go

away. I

> > > > don't want to know. I don't want to see any more pain in my

life or

> > > > anybody else's. There is nothing she could do that could

take away

> > > > the pain. I don't even want to see her in pain, I just want

it to be

> > > > over. There is nothing that could cure this, nothing that

can take

> > > > it away, nothing that can fix things. I will just live for

the

> > > > future there is no sense in living for the past. I don't

care what

> > > > happens I just want it to end. Can you understand? I just

feel numb

> > > > to them.

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Trish, I have the same thing, my parents make foolish choices like

bad eating habits, smoking, chewing, or excessive alcohol and

medication or drugs and then they get health problems. Like you said

the blood pressure and cholesterol overweight. No retirement and

nada keeps cashing in all the 401k's and talks like she is a Kennedy

or Rockefeller. In the end I know the choices they make will not

help them but I can't make this my problem. They are not in my life.

I just wonder what will become of them? You never will know until it

happens either, because they are so unruly and wild it is like a

game show. My favorite line is actually my uncles wife's she always

says to me, " your mom is so bad Jerry Springer would kick her off! " .

That is a little off the topic but I laugh every time I hear her say

it. Maybe you could use the giggle. All my love Lizzy

> > >

> > > Dh and I were talking last night about nada and dishrag. They

are

> > > having trouble selling their home, they have health problems

and

> > > financial problems among other things and dh asked me, " does

it give

> > > you satisfaction that they are having trouble? " I thought

about this

> > > and I said " No it really doesn't I wish they could sell so

they

> > > could move farther away " He brought up the point it wouldn't

be that

> > > much farther. I still don't care, to me I really don't care

what

> > > happens in their life. To me my nada is dead and dishrag is a

man I

> > > sometimes talk to in order to stay out of court. We were

talking

> > > about what would give me satisfaction with them. So what is my

> > > answer? I really couldn't tell you because I don't even know

that

> > > myself. 1 my nada could be exposed to all the people for all

she has

> > > ever done. 2 dishrag could finally see her and divorce her. 3

she

> > > could die 4 she could mooch until the day she or dishrag die 5

she

> > > continues on her path of destruction. 6 she gets help and I

still

> > > don't want her in my life. To be honest I don't like any of

these. I

> > > don't give a rats tail what happens. I just want her to go

away. I

> > > don't want to know. I don't want to see any more pain in my

life or

> > > anybody else's. There is nothing she could do that could take

away

> > > the pain. I don't even want to see her in pain, I just want it

to be

> > > over. There is nothing that could cure this, nothing that can

take

> > > it away, nothing that can fix things. I will just live for the

> > > future there is no sense in living for the past. I don't care

what

> > > happens I just want it to end. Can you understand? I just feel

numb

> > > to them.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Kath, I really get this, I know my dishrag is not innocent by any

far stretch but I feel like he has been so badly abused for so long

he knows no other way. I just worry that my nada will work him to

his grave. I think she keeps faking her deaths and sickness so he

stays busy working paying the bills, he will wear out first and she

will be left standing with no money and will want to be taken care

of. Even as a small child she used to tell me " you better never put

me in a nursing home ever! If you put me in a nursing home I wont

give you one penny! " I used to think they were dangerous. When I

got older I realized they weren't she was just afraid of losing

control. You know I can understand this wanting them gone, I want

the same thing. I wish they would go away but they wont . They are

like a stubborn wart. I sometimes think if she was in a coma I could

talk to her in peace. I don't want her to feel pain but I don't want

her to cause pain either. Not to sound too harsh or too mean but

when she is living she just hurts so many people, she does more

damage than good. If she were silenced then she couldn't cause pain

to all the people who suffered under her. I think about this

sometimes, the things I would talk to her about. But it doesn't

matter she wouldn't listen so why try? Maybe another nada would

listen but mine wouldn't. Don't feel guilty your feelings are only

natural after all you have been through. Love Lizzy

> >

> > Dh and I were talking last night about nada and dishrag. They

are

> > having trouble selling their home, they have health problems and

> > financial problems among other things and dh asked me, " does it

give

> > you satisfaction that they are having trouble? " I thought about

this

> > and I said " No it really doesn't I wish they could sell so they

> > could move farther away " He brought up the point it wouldn't be

that

> > much farther. I still don't care, to me I really don't care what

> > happens in their life. To me my nada is dead and dishrag is a

man I

> > sometimes talk to in order to stay out of court. We were talking

> > about what would give me satisfaction with them. So what is my

> > answer? I really couldn't tell you because I don't even know

that

> > myself. 1 my nada could be exposed to all the people for all she

has

> > ever done. 2 dishrag could finally see her and divorce her. 3

she

> > could die 4 she could mooch until the day she or dishrag die 5

she

> > continues on her path of destruction. 6 she gets help and I

still

> > don't want her in my life. To be honest I don't like any of

these. I

> > don't give a rats tail what happens. I just want her to go away.

I

> > don't want to know. I don't want to see any more pain in my life

or

> > anybody else's. There is nothing she could do that could take

away

> > the pain. I don't even want to see her in pain, I just want it

to be

> > over. There is nothing that could cure this, nothing that can

take

> > it away, nothing that can fix things. I will just live for the

> > future there is no sense in living for the past. I don't care

what

> > happens I just want it to end. Can you understand? I just feel

numb

> > to them.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Greg, you wrote " I feel neither love nor hate towards her any more " .

This is it in a nutshell. I also can go for days w/o thinking of

nada but sometimes when a family member or friend tells me the

shenanigans she is doing or whatever I feel temporary anger but

nothing that lasts like I did in the past when I first started n/c.

Like in the past dishrag used to tell me about her until I went n/c

w/ him for about 2 years also and he finally took a hint! I don't

want to talk about her HELLO! Now the family or friends really limit

what they tell me only if they think it might help me and my

situation ie she is working in the school watch out for your kids

or driving this car or faking this sickness be careful. I am usually

grateful for the information and use it to my benefit. But I don't

care about her either way. She could roll over tomorrow and I

probably would not go to the funeral. I am not sure about what would

be best for her and the foo but I wish it could be fixed. I don't

want them in my life I just want the destruction to stop. Love Lizzy

> Dh and I were talking last night about nada and dishrag.

They are

> having trouble selling their home, they have health problems and

> financial problems among other things and dh asked me, " does it

give

> you satisfaction that they are having trouble? " I thought about

this

> and I said " No it really doesn't I wish they could sell so they

> could move farther away " He brought up the point it wouldn't be

that

> much farther. I still don't care, to me I really don't care what

> happens in their life. To me my nada is dead and dishrag is a man

I

> sometimes talk to in order to stay out of court. We were talking

> about what would give me satisfaction with them. So what is my

> answer? I really couldn't tell you because I don't even know that

> myself. 1 my nada could be exposed to all the people for all she

has

> ever done. 2 dishrag could finally see her and divorce her. 3 she

> could die 4 she could mooch until the day she or dishrag die 5 she

> continues on her path of destruction. 6 she gets help and I still

> don't want her in my life. To be honest I don't like any of these.

I

> don't give a rats tail what happens. I just want her to go away. I

> don't want to know. I don't want to see any more pain in my life

or

> anybody else's. There is nothing she could do that could take away

> the pain. I don't even want to see her in pain, I just want it to

be

> over. There is nothing that could cure this, nothing that can take

> it away, nothing that can fix things. I will just live for the

> future there is no sense in living for the past. I don't care what

> happens I just want it to end. Can you understand? I just feel

numb

> to them.

>

>

>

>

>

>

> ---------------------------------

> Talk is cheap. Use Yahoo! Messenger to make PC-to-Phone calls.

Great rates starting at 1¢/min.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi there,

I only read here once in a while (just to remind myself and

enforce boundaries as needed) but this thread was interesting

so I decided to post. The replies were good, and I understand

where folks are coming from, but I thought I'd add a response

from a different perspective.

I have changed my definition of satisfaction to what I do and

feel, not what my mother does or feels. As long as I do things

that are in line with my own personal beliefs and goals, and I

do my very best, then I feel I have succeeded. If I base my

satisfaction on what happens to my mother (what she says or

does, whether she gets better/worse, even whether she dies or

not) then I'm sure to be disappointed. After 72 years she is

unlikely to change.

It's a difficult state of mind to achieve at times but this

level of detachment is much better for my mental health.

Maybe " benign detachment " is a better term since detachment

has a negative connotation--it sounds like apathy or being

numb to all feelings. It's not that I don't feel anything.

Of course I am sad about all the things she has done to

me and to others during her life. I am sad that she is not

any better and will probably never get better. But I am

satisfied with the current situation because I define my

satisfaction according to my actions (which I can dontrol)

not her actions or what others do to her (out of my control).

This is not as hard when it is just myself and my mother. It

gets harder when my siblings are involved because I want to

protect them, and keep them out of the weird interactions

with my mother, but they are all adults now. They know the

diagnosis and know about the BPD books. It is up to them

to decide for themselves what relationship they want to have

with my mother.

Sometimes they do more rescuing than I would choose but who

am I to say what is right for them? I can only say what is

right for me. It is hard because some of my old guilt comes

back ( " gee, my mother's old, maybe I should do more, after all

they are doing more.... " ) and then I start to question my

actions. I have to remind myself about why I made my original

decisions and why it would be very bad for me to get sucked

back into my old habits.

Anyway, sorry to get all philosophical on you guys but I hope

it is helpful. :-) I know it is a bit off track from the first

question that was asked.

Hugs,

Marjorie

http://www.bookcrossing.com/mybookshelf/ahimsa

[Guest guest]

Greg - Isn't is just great to have a life that doesn't revolve

around nada! Good for you!

Sylvia

> Dh and I were talking last night about nada and dishrag.

They are

> having trouble selling their home, they have health problems and

> financial problems among other things and dh asked me, " does it

give

> you satisfaction that they are having trouble? " I thought about

this

> and I said " No it really doesn't I wish they could sell so they

> could move farther away " He brought up the point it wouldn't be

that

> much farther. I still don't care, to me I really don't care what

> happens in their life. To me my nada is dead and dishrag is a man

I

> sometimes talk to in order to stay out of court. We were talking

> about what would give me satisfaction with them. So what is my

> answer? I really couldn't tell you because I don't even know that

> myself. 1 my nada could be exposed to all the people for all she

has

> ever done. 2 dishrag could finally see her and divorce her. 3 she

> could die 4 she could mooch until the day she or dishrag die 5 she

> continues on her path of destruction. 6 she gets help and I still

> don't want her in my life. To be honest I don't like any of these.

I

> don't give a rats tail what happens. I just want her to go away. I

> don't want to know. I don't want to see any more pain in my life

or

> anybody else's. There is nothing she could do that could take away

> the pain. I don't even want to see her in pain, I just want it to

be

> over. There is nothing that could cure this, nothing that can take

> it away, nothing that can fix things. I will just live for the

> future there is no sense in living for the past. I don't care what

> happens I just want it to end. Can you understand? I just feel

numb

> to them.

>

>

>

>

>

>

> ---------------------------------

> Talk is cheap. Use Yahoo! Messenger to make PC-to-Phone calls.

Great rates starting at 1¢/min.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Marjorie, I think this does not detour from the original question at

all, it is a very fresh spin. I think these may be the words I

wanted all along but could not express. I think looking inward is

the only at to find true inner happiness an peace because in the end

we can only change ourselves. We can think about our parents and

have dreams for them but they will probably never be. As for me I

just don't care anymore so I think you are right when you say to

look at your self look on the inside. Well said. Thanks for these

thoughts. Love Lizzy

>

> Hi there,

>

> I only read here once in a while (just to remind myself and

> enforce boundaries as needed) but this thread was interesting

> so I decided to post. The replies were good, and I understand

> where folks are coming from, but I thought I'd add a response

> from a different perspective.

>

> I have changed my definition of satisfaction to what I do and

> feel, not what my mother does or feels. As long as I do things

> that are in line with my own personal beliefs and goals, and I

> do my very best, then I feel I have succeeded. If I base my

> satisfaction on what happens to my mother (what she says or

> does, whether she gets better/worse, even whether she dies or

> not) then I'm sure to be disappointed. After 72 years she is

> unlikely to change.

>

> It's a difficult state of mind to achieve at times but this

> level of detachment is much better for my mental health.

> Maybe " benign detachment " is a better term since detachment

> has a negative connotation--it sounds like apathy or being

> numb to all feelings. It's not that I don't feel anything.

> Of course I am sad about all the things she has done to

> me and to others during her life. I am sad that she is not

> any better and will probably never get better. But I am

> satisfied with the current situation because I define my

> satisfaction according to my actions (which I can dontrol)

> not her actions or what others do to her (out of my control).

>

> This is not as hard when it is just myself and my mother. It

> gets harder when my siblings are involved because I want to

> protect them, and keep them out of the weird interactions

> with my mother, but they are all adults now. They know the

> diagnosis and know about the BPD books. It is up to them

> to decide for themselves what relationship they want to have

> with my mother.

>

> Sometimes they do more rescuing than I would choose but who

> am I to say what is right for them? I can only say what is

> right for me. It is hard because some of my old guilt comes

> back ( " gee, my mother's old, maybe I should do more, after all

> they are doing more.... " ) and then I start to question my

> actions. I have to remind myself about why I made my original

> decisions and why it would be very bad for me to get sucked

> back into my old habits.

>

> Anyway, sorry to get all philosophical on you guys but I hope

> it is helpful. :-) I know it is a bit off track from the first

> question that was asked.

>

> Hugs,

>

> Marjorie

> http://www.bookcrossing.com/mybookshelf/ahimsa

>

[Guest guest]

Lizzy, YES, my family is like the Jerry Springer show and I always use

the term " a Jerry Springer Moment " to refer to the typical foo

hoe-down! They really can get going and I remember, when I was in

high schoo,l high-tailing it in the night while there was a foo-fight

happening. I could literally hear them yelling in the distance blocks

away. I wish I could bleep them sometimes.

Trish

> > > >

> > > > Dh and I were talking last night about nada and dishrag. They

> are

> > > > having trouble selling their home, they have health problems

> and

> > > > financial problems among other things and dh asked me, " does

> it give

> > > > you satisfaction that they are having trouble? " I thought

> about this

> > > > and I said " No it really doesn't I wish they could sell so

> they

> > > > could move farther away " He brought up the point it wouldn't

> be that

> > > > much farther. I still don't care, to me I really don't care

> what

> > > > happens in their life. To me my nada is dead and dishrag is a

> man I

> > > > sometimes talk to in order to stay out of court. We were

> talking

> > > > about what would give me satisfaction with them. So what is my

> > > > answer? I really couldn't tell you because I don't even know

> that

> > > > myself. 1 my nada could be exposed to all the people for all

> she has

> > > > ever done. 2 dishrag could finally see her and divorce her. 3

> she

> > > > could die 4 she could mooch until the day she or dishrag die 5

> she

> > > > continues on her path of destruction. 6 she gets help and I

> still

> > > > don't want her in my life. To be honest I don't like any of

> these. I

> > > > don't give a rats tail what happens. I just want her to go

> away. I

> > > > don't want to know. I don't want to see any more pain in my

> life or

> > > > anybody else's. There is nothing she could do that could take

> away

> > > > the pain. I don't even want to see her in pain, I just want it

> to be

> > > > over. There is nothing that could cure this, nothing that can

> take

> > > > it away, nothing that can fix things. I will just live for the

> > > > future there is no sense in living for the past. I don't care

> what

> > > > happens I just want it to end. Can you understand? I just feel

> numb

> > > > to them.

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hey Lizzy,

I can relate to feeling numb as well. I think perhaps we get to a

certain point where it's emotional overload, too much, and you're

out of energy to have an emotion.

I have felt intense love, protective feelings of her, guilt, intense

anger, grief, confusion, and so on. After a while it's just

like, " ok, I just want a break. no more. I'm done. "

Hope that helps.

Grace

>

> Dh and I were talking last night about nada and dishrag. They are

> having trouble selling their home, they have health problems and

> financial problems among other things and dh asked me, " does it

give

> you satisfaction that they are having trouble? " I thought about

this

> and I said " No it really doesn't I wish they could sell so they

> could move farther away " He brought up the point it wouldn't be

that

> much farther. I still don't care, to me I really don't care what

> happens in their life. To me my nada is dead and dishrag is a man

I

> sometimes talk to in order to stay out of court. We were talking

> about what would give me satisfaction with them. So what is my

> answer? I really couldn't tell you because I don't even know that

> myself. 1 my nada could be exposed to all the people for all she

has

> ever done. 2 dishrag could finally see her and divorce her. 3 she

> could die 4 she could mooch until the day she or dishrag die 5 she

> continues on her path of destruction. 6 she gets help and I still

> don't want her in my life. To be honest I don't like any of these.

I

> don't give a rats tail what happens. I just want her to go away. I

> don't want to know. I don't want to see any more pain in my life

or

> anybody else's. There is nothing she could do that could take away

> the pain. I don't even want to see her in pain, I just want it to

be

> over. There is nothing that could cure this, nothing that can take

> it away, nothing that can fix things. I will just live for the

> future there is no sense in living for the past. I don't care what

> happens I just want it to end. Can you understand? I just feel

numb

> to them.

>