Re: Minimization Sucks!

[Guest guest]

Hi is,

I am sure it was hard to not have siblings to share the experience with. I

have four siblings and most of them are affected in different ways and were all

treated differently. That caused confusion, loyalty issues, denial on the parts

of the ones not abused directly or as aggressively. It is almost like we were

all only children growing up in the same house. I felt very alone in my struggle

because I was the target. No one dared ever tallk about the truth of what was

going on and no one really does to this day and my mother has been deceased for

ten years. The truth is my mother was mentally ill and my father was a

coodependent and in denial supporting her every insane rage against me and

anyone else she hated. This aside my father has his own horrible destructive

traits that are as bad if not worse than hers. I had no support. Even today we

are not in this together. It is very strange. Everyone just goes through the

motions. However my brother is coming to see

how crazy my father is and what a total jerk he can be. He has been supportive

and that means a lot to me now as an adult. Anyway, just thought I would share

my experience. You can still be in a big family and be alone. It all depends on

how your parents set up the family system. Everyone plays a role in their game

and they do anything to keep the label on you no matter how hard you try to

wiggle out of it. Anyway, I hope you find support here. I feel so much better

since I have been able to connect with people who get it.

Hope you're finding some peace in your life.

doticus wrote:

As an only child, I always wanted a sibling who would agree with me

that our upbringing had far too much craziness involved!

is

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[Guest guest]

Deanna,

That was my life. I was a good girl and my mere existance was what she hated.

She hated herself and I looked the most like her. Yes she had a look just for

me. A look that told me I was disgusting to her. These were on normal days when

she didn't rage at me. She couldn't stand to even stand near me. Yes others

went along with it. Either they feared her or it was easier to believe

something was wrong with me than deal with cruel reality of what an abuser she

was. My father went along with it, my siblings, aunts and uncles and even

sister in law. I could see looks of pity too or just they looked at me funny. It

is amazing how a person can destroy anothers character and how strong denial can

be. I am loving, caring go aout of my way and everyone still keeps me in that

role. They don't say it but it is there. It is very hard.

Recovering Non-BP wrote:

Deanna,

You said it so well, you must've known my nada, sorry!

I got it from more than one person in my FOO. Anyone

else here get that " MERE EXISTANCE " treatment from

more than one person in their FOO? If so, how many

people and, (if you feel comfortable saying it) what

was their role (nada, fada, sibling, aunt, uncle,

etc.)?

One Non-BP Recovering Man

--- vegdeanna wrote:

> Oh yes, I totally understand that! I was a " good

> girl " too and she

> still hated me! My MERE EXISTENCE filled her with

> such anger, hatred

> and disgust. It was all over her face, and she

> saved that face just

> for me.

>

> It really wasn't that I, or you, did anything wrong.

> It was just that

> they could not handle their own emotions, and so

> they sure couldn't

> properly care for another person.

>

> -Deanna

>

>

> >

> > Although this " may " sound unrelated, I felt

> compelled to write that I'm

> > first, an ONLY CHILD. For years I fantasized

> having sibling(s) and the

> > possible potential that would have for taking some

> of the heat off of

> > me...or realistically, DISPERSING some of the

> energy which came to roost

> > squarely on me. Once when I asked why she never

> had but me, I was told,

> > " You were too much for me, so why would I want any

> more? " You have to

> > understand that when she said that, I was the

> PERFECT child...the MODEL

> > child...NEVER doing ANYTHING wrong...truly...'cuz

> I wouldn't DARE.

> > SO...how could my perfection be challenged by this

> statement? I don't

> > recall, exactly when this all went down, but I had

> to have been

> > somewhere around 15 or so.

> >

> > Upon reflecting on this, I now realize how hurt I

> was and how this

> > greatly impacted the once PERFECT child. Gawd,

> the things we had to

> > endure, huh?

> >

> >

>

>

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[Guest guest]

I was the baby too, and my bro was 7 years older, so as she got worse,

there was really nobody there to witness it and get the fall out from

it except me.

It is like I was an only child in a way because of the age difference.

When my brother was around, he would play a game with me (only if it

was his idea) and if it looked like he was going to lose, he'd flip

the board and say " oops! " So he was there, but was very intent on

dominating me, like he told me I'd never be as good as him at

anything. I don't really blame him for his behavior as a child tho.

He obviously learned it somewhere...

But is, don't feel badly about not having siblings to back you or

share your experience. My bro I think had it much better than me, as

I understand now that I was her primary target. And as an adult, he

doesn't understand or back me. He told me I was a horrible person for

telling her she was smothering me.

So really, sibling or not, I am pretty much alone in this as well.

-Deanna

>

> not all of them would...so you may have one like my oldest brother,

who is

> nadas favorite child...he was not treated as badly as the rest, and he

> refuses to talk about it...he calls his mommy every week, he's a

mama's boy.

> he does what she tells him to do...and gushes over her..(even when I

did

> what I was told to do, I was still the hated child..) but it IS

nice to

> talk with my sisters as they had the same experiences I did with the

Evil

> One...my other brother did too, but he died before I knew about BPD and

> NPD...although I do think the 5 of us had her " thinned " out..but I

was the

> last, and got it all the last years I was and " only child " before I

left..

>

> Jackie

>

>

> As an only child, I always wanted a sibling who would agree with me

that our

> upbringing had far too much craziness involved!

>

> is

>

[Guest guest]

yep i get the ignorance/denial/minimization from the foo. I tell them and tell

them.. they disbeleive me, run to her with the details and she discounts what i

say. Even if what i said could be proved. " oh she's stiil your mother, find it

in

your heart, blah blah blah. " and the best one. " I think you need to have a long

talk with GOD! " they only see and beleive that i am the cause of her

unhappiness cause she is so distraught i abandoned her. They just dont

comprehend she did ANYTHING wrong to drive me away.

I am nothing more to them than a sacrificial lamb to be tossed to the wolves in

order to make life easier on them. " Throw me on the alter so you all can be

releived of any sins and guilt or responsibility on your part. "

nan

>

> Deanna,

>

> You said it so well, you must've known my nada, sorry!

> I got it from more than one person in my FOO. Anyone

> else here get that " MERE EXISTANCE " treatment from

> more than one person in their FOO? If so, how many

> people and, (if you feel comfortable saying it) what

> was their role (nada, fada, sibling, aunt, uncle,

> etc.)?

>

> One Non-BP Recovering Man

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I had one brother and he was her favourite. she also somthered him literally

and he resented that. In a way i am thankfull ther was another one to take slack

for clinging. SHe actually gave him more atentin and less to me but what she

gave me was always negative. i was always wrong no matter.

However he did not " agree " with me about our upbringing. He thinks she took

sides with me and picked on him (lies) and that his problems are due to me

and my dad doing things to him, not nada smothering him. She has his mind so

twisted around he cannot take one iota of responsibility for himslef. I had to

go

NC with him because his behavior towards me was so abusive. Nada had

trained him to treat me without any respect whatsoever.

so in ways having a sibling can help take off the heat, in other ways it

becomes another tool in bpd manipulation to use against you.

nan

>

> As an only child, I always wanted a sibling who would agree with me that our

upbringing had far too much craziness involved!

>

> is

>

>

[Guest guest]

>I was the baby too, and my bro was 7 years older, so as she got worse,

there was really nobody there to witness it and get the fall out from

>it except me.

there is 12 years difference between me and my oldest brother..and he was a

great older brother...how he turned out so good, and not have a huge ego, I

don't know, I guess she probably knocked him down if he got TOO big...by

other brother was just how you described, though...and he was a bully to me

and one of my sisters...

>My bro I think had it much better than me, as

>I understand now that I was her primary target. And as an adult, he

>doesn't understand or back me. He told me I was a horrible person for

>telling her she was smothering me.

yes this is the same way with my oldest brother,too...

Jackie

[Guest guest]

This next is, " tongue-in-cheek " ...

Are you crazy??? Why would you wantonly WANT another person to be

exposed to all this trauma/torment???

Okay...just needed to get that out!!! I, like you, am an only, and

years ago before the diagnosis was made, a dear friend announced she

knew 3 sibs in her small town (how about 500 pop.!) who were the subject

of torment and ridicule by fellow classmates (as was I, too). She

indicated that their mom was " crazy " and into their shix at all times.

That she turned everyone, and everything UPSIDEDOWN . It was then that

my friend said that even the 3 kids couldn't align themselves and

produce a united front, so how could I expect to take on nada all by my

lonesome? That placated me on a certain level, but clearly didn't

resolve anything...only delayed its effect.

>

> As an only child, I always wanted a sibling who would agree with me

that our upbringing had far too much craziness involved!

>

> is

>

>

> ---------------------------------

> TV dinner still cooling?

> Check out " Tonight's Picks " on Yahoo! TV.

>

>

[Guest guest]

If you had even one sibling that just provides nada with another tool to use

against you. The mind games, pitting one against the other, punishing you for

any and all arguments no matter who started, comparing, playing favourites not

to mention another cluster***ed member of your family to continue the abuse

patterns when she is gone. Trust me on this one More is NOT merrier.

nan

> >

> > As an only child, I always wanted a sibling who would agree with me

> that our upbringing had far too much craziness involved!

> >

> > is

> >

> >

> > ---------------------------------

> > TV dinner still cooling?

> > Check out " Tonight's Picks " on Yahoo! TV.

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Nan,

That is SO true. Definitely, " More is NOT merrier. "

I was NEVER the favorite.

Also, thanks for the " *** " LOL humor. I needed that.

Keep telling it like it is. You go, girl!

One Non-BP Recovering Man

--- westwindspirit wrote:

> If you had even one sibling that just provides nada

> with another tool to use

> against you. The mind games, pitting one against the

> other, punishing you for

> any and all arguments no matter who started,

> comparing, playing favourites not

> to mention another cluster***ed member of your

> family to continue the abuse

> patterns when she is gone. Trust me on this one More

> is NOT merrier.

>

> nan

>

>

>

> > >

> > > As an only child, I always wanted a sibling who

> would agree with me

> > that our upbringing had far too much craziness

> involved!

> > >

> > > is

> > >

> > >

> > > ---------------------------------

> > > TV dinner still cooling?

> > > Check out " Tonight's Picks " on Yahoo! TV.

> > >

> > > [Non-text portions of this message have been

> removed]

> > >

> >

>

>

>

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