Guest guest Posted May 4, 2007 Report Share Posted May 4, 2007 good for you !!! your fadas note is filled with scary things that they have rationalized that they weren't bad parents...so common :-( Jackie In the letter, he totally makes excuses for BPD behavior. My statement that he let my mother abuse my sister and I was countered with " I did let her discipline you and perhaps she was too strict. " He also told me how much he provided for me with $$.(guilt) Told me I'm using emotional blackmail by keeping their grandchild away from them (aparently my no contact didn't me no contact, I'm trying to manipulate them to get what I need...bad me!). And the most painful to me was accusing me of causing them pain. Apparently my mother has been up during the night rocking a pillow back and forth pretending it is my son and crying. And isn't it mean of me that I could cause her that much pain. But, apparently, they're willing for only fada to have contact with my son. After all, they've always obeyed my wishes. Uuugh! Doesn't that just convince you that I'm completely wrong and I should give in? I did have one good thing out of the letter. It did confirm to me that nada's father was discharged from the WWII army with schizophrenia and my first generation American grandmother was unable to really do much to help the situation. My mother was the youngest of five by a five year difference between siblings, so was largely raised by herself in that environment. I'm so out of this. The abuse stops here. I will not let it continue past me. I will not be a victim or an abuser. I will not perpetuate the sadness, depression or grief. They will need to survive or fail on their own. I AM DONE! a Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 4, 2007 Report Share Posted May 4, 2007 Yes it does! OK, let's solve this once and for all! Has anyone here EVER received a sincere apology/admittance of wrongdoing from their BPD parent? Or even from the nonBPD parent about the BPD parent? Anyone? Bueler? I know when my momster browbeat me into telling her " why do you hate me " , when I told her one incident that hurt me, she laughed in my face. BTW, " why do you hate me " was my punishment for saying " Mom, I know you're angry at my aunt, but it feels like you're yelling at me and I can't listen anymore, so maybe you should contact a therapist " after listening to her for 15 minutes say " she has no morals. she has no values. she has no scruples. she has no morals. she has no values. she has no scruples......etc " So my punishment for refusing to let her puke her anger on me was for her to laugh at my pain! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 4, 2007 Report Share Posted May 4, 2007 " Yes it does! OK, let's solve this once and for all! Has anyone here EVER received a sincere apology/admittance of wrongdoing from their BPD parent? Or even from the nonBPD parent about the BPD parent? Anyone? Bueler? " NEVER! Nada constantly gaslights me and my brother, saying we make this stuff up, and that our memories are tainted or poisoned. Then she throws up the whole " nobody's perfect " or " I never did that " or " you kids had it pretty good " or " you guys turned out all right, and I think I had something to do with that " or " why can't you just let it go " or " that's in the past " . Deny, gaslight, minimize, rinse, repeat. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 4, 2007 Report Share Posted May 4, 2007 Can you pls define " gaslight " ? > > " Yes it does! OK, let's solve this once and for all! Has anyone here > EVER received a sincere apology/admittance of wrongdoing from their > BPD parent? Or even from the nonBPD parent about the BPD parent? > Anyone? Bueler? " > > > NEVER! Nada constantly gaslights me and my brother, saying we make > this stuff up, and that our memories are tainted or poisoned. Then she > throws up the whole " nobody's perfect " or " I never did that " or " you > kids had it pretty good " or " you guys turned out all right, and I think > I had something to do with that " or " why can't you just let it go " > or " that's in the past " . Deny, gaslight, minimize, rinse, repeat. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 4, 2007 Report Share Posted May 4, 2007 gaslighting A common form of brainwashing in which an abuser tries to falsely convince the victim that the victim is defective, for any purpose whatsoever, such as making the victim more pliable and easily controlled, or making the victim more emotional and therefore more needy and dependent. {You're reading " Definition of Gaslighting " by J. E. Brown.} Often done by friends and family members, who claim (and may even believe) that they are trying to be helpful. The gaslighting abuser sees himself or herself as a nurturing parental figure in relation to the victim, and uses gaslighting as a means for keeping the victim in that relationship, perhaps as punishment for the victim's attempt to break out of the dependent role. Example: If an abusive person says hurtful things and makes you cry, and then, instead of apologizing and taking responsibility, starts recommending treatments for what he or she calls " your depression " or " your mood swings, " you are in the presence of a gaslighter. > > Can you pls define " gaslight " ? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 4, 2007 Report Share Posted May 4, 2007 So an example of gaslighting would be my nada complaining that we were all too sensitive to her constructive criticism? > > > > Can you pls define " gaslight " ? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 4, 2007 Report Share Posted May 4, 2007 I would say so! Or you could call it " telling me how to feel, wrapped in an insult! " > > So an example of gaslighting would be my nada complaining that we > were all too sensitive to her constructive criticism? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 4, 2007 Report Share Posted May 4, 2007 " Yes it does! OK, let's solve this once and for all! Has anyone here EVER received a sincere apology/admittance of wrongdoing from their BPD parent? Or even from the nonBPD parent about the BPD parent? Anyone? Bueler? " NEVER !!!! nada says all 5 of us kids have banded together and made up things about our childhood and accuse her of doing horrible things she never did ( yeah, right !!) she is in FULL denial Jackie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 4, 2007 Report Share Posted May 4, 2007 Oh it will cut her to the quick, you not having anyting to do with her. But she is only sorry you are gone, not sorry for what you did. IF she ever did admit " i am sorry i wont do it again " Its only a threat because it wont last but a day at the most. You are not manipulating you are simply avoiding a bad situation. and you know what they say, you can what a fada or nada is up to by what they accuse others of doing. they are the ones manipulating you, using black mail and causing YOU pain. Dont even bother explaining or responding. It obviously doent register on their radar what you haveto say. nan > > Fada left an envelope at my work's front desk for me last night for > me to pick up this morning. Because I'm an admin, I have to go see > what it is because it could have been biz. > > I probably shouldn't have openned it, but since he's contacting me > at work, I felt I need to get security involved and up to speed on > the stalking in case things escalated. And they had wanted me to > save msgs in case things did escalate and I needed to get a > restraining order. > > In the letter, he totally makes excuses for BPD behavior. My > statement that he let my mother abuse my sister and I was countered > with " I did let her discipline you and perhaps she was too strict. " > He also told me how much he provided for me with $$.(guilt) Told me > I'm using emotional blackmail by keeping their grandchild away from > them (aparently my no contact didn't me no contact, I'm trying to > manipulate them to get what I need...bad me!). And the most painful > to me was accusing me of causing them pain. Apparently my mother > has been up during the night rocking a pillow back and forth > pretending it is my son and crying. And isn't it mean of me that I > could cause her that much pain. But, apparently, they're willing > for only fada to have contact with my son. After all, they've > always obeyed my wishes. > > Uuugh! Doesn't that just convince you that I'm completely wrong and > I should give in? > > I did have one good thing out of the letter. It did confirm to me > that nada's father was discharged from the WWII army with > schizophrenia and my first generation American grandmother was > unable to really do much to help the situation. My mother was the > youngest of five by a five year difference between siblings, so was > largely raised by herself in that environment. > > I'm so out of this. The abuse stops here. I will not let it > continue past me. I will not be a victim or an abuser. I will not > perpetuate the sadness, depression or grief. They will need to > survive or fail on their own. I AM DONE! > > a > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 4, 2007 Report Share Posted May 4, 2007 Thank you, everyone, for your support and education. I'm starting with a new therapist this month (former one moved out of the area) and I'm going to deal with all the codependent remanents that are still in my KO brain and psyche. Many people, including my children, depend on me getting it right and dealing with all this stuff. a > > > > Fada left an envelope at my work's front desk for me last night for > > me to pick up this morning. Because I'm an admin, I have to go see > > what it is because it could have been biz. > > > > I probably shouldn't have openned it, but since he's contacting me > > at work, I felt I need to get security involved and up to speed on > > the stalking in case things escalated. And they had wanted me to > > save msgs in case things did escalate and I needed to get a > > restraining order. > > > > In the letter, he totally makes excuses for BPD behavior. My > > statement that he let my mother abuse my sister and I was countered > > with " I did let her discipline you and perhaps she was too strict. " > > He also told me how much he provided for me with $$.(guilt) Told me > > I'm using emotional blackmail by keeping their grandchild away from > > them (aparently my no contact didn't me no contact, I'm trying to > > manipulate them to get what I need...bad me!). And the most painful > > to me was accusing me of causing them pain. Apparently my mother > > has been up during the night rocking a pillow back and forth > > pretending it is my son and crying. And isn't it mean of me that I > > could cause her that much pain. But, apparently, they're willing > > for only fada to have contact with my son. After all, they've > > always obeyed my wishes. > > > > Uuugh! Doesn't that just convince you that I'm completely wrong and > > I should give in? > > > > I did have one good thing out of the letter. It did confirm to me > > that nada's father was discharged from the WWII army with > > schizophrenia and my first generation American grandmother was > > unable to really do much to help the situation. My mother was the > > youngest of five by a five year difference between siblings, so was > > largely raised by herself in that environment. > > > > I'm so out of this. The abuse stops here. I will not let it > > continue past me. I will not be a victim or an abuser. I will not > > perpetuate the sadness, depression or grief. They will need to > > survive or fail on their own. I AM DONE! > > > > a > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 4, 2007 Report Share Posted May 4, 2007 Good for you for declaring you're done and moving forward! When you said that your dad wrote " " I did let her discipline you and perhaps she was too strict. " , I was struck by how these BPD apologists love to heave such a heavy emotional load as if it were a little feather. My fada said something similar when I basically ignored my nada's birthday (I DID send a card, and had the kids sign it), and she did absolutely nothing for mine or my son's. My fada had the nerve to chastise ME for not doing more for her, saying " Your mother and I managed to call our parents for their birthday when you kids were young " ......and then he blithely, casually adds " I suppose that street runs both ways, but..... " Ever so casually mentioned, that MAYBE she ought to put some effort into relationships, too, instead of sitting with expectation that everything should flow one-way to HER. Apparently it's OK for her to be in such an emotional storm that she ignore's everyone's special days, but there's hell to pay if you give it right back to her! But, back to my point: both your fada and mine ever so casually work in nada's role in the broken relationship. I think that ties into our Minimization Sucks! thread, too. Minimizing what nada has done or not done, and laying ALL of the blame on us. I'm DONE, too! -Kyla > > > > > > Fada left an envelope at my work's front desk for me last night > for > > > me to pick up this morning. Because I'm an admin, I have to go > see > > > what it is because it could have been biz. > > > > > > I probably shouldn't have openned it, but since he's contacting > me > > > at work, I felt I need to get security involved and up to speed > on > > > the stalking in case things escalated. And they had wanted me > to > > > save msgs in case things did escalate and I needed to get a > > > restraining order. > > > > > > In the letter, he totally makes excuses for BPD behavior. My > > > statement that he let my mother abuse my sister and I was > countered > > > with " I did let her discipline you and perhaps she was too > strict. " > > > He also told me how much he provided for me with $$.(guilt) Told > me > > > I'm using emotional blackmail by keeping their grandchild away > from > > > them (aparently my no contact didn't me no contact, I'm trying > to > > > manipulate them to get what I need...bad me!). And the most > painful > > > to me was accusing me of causing them pain. Apparently my > mother > > > has been up during the night rocking a pillow back and forth > > > pretending it is my son and crying. And isn't it mean of me > that I > > > could cause her that much pain. But, apparently, they're > willing > > > for only fada to have contact with my son. After all, they've > > > always obeyed my wishes. > > > > > > Uuugh! Doesn't that just convince you that I'm completely wrong > and > > > I should give in? > > > > > > I did have one good thing out of the letter. It did confirm to > me > > > that nada's father was discharged from the WWII army with > > > schizophrenia and my first generation American grandmother was > > > unable to really do much to help the situation. My mother was > the > > > youngest of five by a five year difference between siblings, so > was > > > largely raised by herself in that environment. > > > > > > I'm so out of this. The abuse stops here. I will not let it > > > continue past me. I will not be a victim or an abuser. I will > not > > > perpetuate the sadness, depression or grief. They will need to > > > survive or fail on their own. I AM DONE! > > > > > > a > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 4, 2007 Report Share Posted May 4, 2007 a, Your story is soo similar to mine. How bad we are that WE did this or that to our mothers...My favorite comment is, " she can't help it...she is sick " Yikes. I changed my phone number after my mother " disowned me " and told her that I wouldn't have any contact again. She showed up at my door unannounced, like nothing had ever happened. She wanted to see her grandchildren. Like they aren't an extension of me? Duh. PW > >Reply-To: WTOAdultChildren1 >To: WTOAdultChildren1 >Subject: Re: Minimization Sucks! >Date: Fri, 04 May 2007 20:36:00 -0000 > >Hi a, > >I am sorry you had to read that letter. It seems your father >doesn't want to take any responsibility either. You know, we KOs >deal with the problems in our lives. But our abusers are still >looking for pity when we take measures to protect ourselves from >them. I don't understand how they think they have the right to tell >you what to do. I just don't get it. (Gee, do you think that is a >sign I don't have BPD and I am not an enabler?) > >Hang in there. You are doing the right thing. > >Sylvia > > >In WTOAdultChildren1 , " baast2play " >wrote: > > > > Fada left an envelope at my work's front desk for me last night >for > > me to pick up this morning. Because I'm an admin, I have to go >see > > what it is because it could have been biz. > > > > I probably shouldn't have openned it, but since he's contacting me > > at work, I felt I need to get security involved and up to speed on > > the stalking in case things escalated. And they had wanted me to > > save msgs in case things did escalate and I needed to get a > > restraining order. > > > > In the letter, he totally makes excuses for BPD behavior. My > > statement that he let my mother abuse my sister and I was >countered > > with " I did let her discipline you and perhaps she was too >strict. " > > He also told me how much he provided for me with $$.(guilt) Told >me > > I'm using emotional blackmail by keeping their grandchild away >from > > them (aparently my no contact didn't me no contact, I'm trying to > > manipulate them to get what I need...bad me!). And the most >painful > > to me was accusing me of causing them pain. Apparently my mother > > has been up during the night rocking a pillow back and forth > > pretending it is my son and crying. And isn't it mean of me that >I > > could cause her that much pain. But, apparently, they're willing > > for only fada to have contact with my son. After all, they've > > always obeyed my wishes. > > > > Uuugh! Doesn't that just convince you that I'm completely wrong >and > > I should give in? > > > > I did have one good thing out of the letter. It did confirm to me > > that nada's father was discharged from the WWII army with > > schizophrenia and my first generation American grandmother was > > unable to really do much to help the situation. My mother was the > > youngest of five by a five year difference between siblings, so >was > > largely raised by herself in that environment. > > > > I'm so out of this. The abuse stops here. I will not let it > > continue past me. I will not be a victim or an abuser. I will >not > > perpetuate the sadness, depression or grief. They will need to > > survive or fail on their own. I AM DONE! > > > > a > > > > _________________________________________________________________ Download Messenger. Join the i’m Initiative. Help make a difference today. http://im.live.com/messenger/im/home/?source=TAGHM_APR07 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 4, 2007 Report Share Posted May 4, 2007 Same. I never got any apologies either. She is seemingly incapable of seeing herself as anything other than the victim. My mother and I live in the same small town. Today my mother was at the drug store. When the pharmacist complimented my mother on having nice kids, my mother countered with, " They don't think I did such a good job. But they'll be grateful when they get older. " She told me this later, as punishment for recent revelations of my unhappiness with certain things. Minimization. " Things weren't so bad. Maybe I did let your mother discipline you a little too much. ... " Kudos to you for sticking to your guns, OP. > > Yes it does! OK, let's solve this once and for all! Has anyone here > EVER received a sincere apology/admittance of wrongdoing from their > BPD parent? Or even from the nonBPD parent about the BPD parent? > Anyone? Bueler? > > I know when my momster browbeat me into telling her " why do you hate > me " , when I told her one incident that hurt me, she laughed in my > face. BTW, " why do you hate me " was my punishment for saying " Mom, I > know you're angry at my aunt, but it feels like you're yelling at me > and I can't listen anymore, so maybe you should contact a therapist " > after listening to her for 15 minutes say " she has no morals. she has > no values. she has no scruples. she has no morals. she has no values. > she has no scruples......etc " > > So my punishment for refusing to let her puke her anger on me was for > her to laugh at my pain! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 4, 2007 Report Share Posted May 4, 2007 Ugh -- that's creepy for the " abuser " to predict that we'll THANK them. Ugh. Disgusting. -Kyla > > > > Yes it does! OK, let's solve this once and for all! Has anyone here > > EVER received a sincere apology/admittance of wrongdoing from their > > BPD parent? Or even from the nonBPD parent about the BPD parent? > > Anyone? Bueler? > > > > I know when my momster browbeat me into telling her " why do you hate > > me " , when I told her one incident that hurt me, she laughed in my > > face. BTW, " why do you hate me " was my punishment for saying " Mom, I > > know you're angry at my aunt, but it feels like you're yelling at me > > and I can't listen anymore, so maybe you should contact a therapist " > > after listening to her for 15 minutes say " she has no morals. she has > > no values. she has no scruples. she has no morals. she has no values. > > she has no scruples......etc " > > > > So my punishment for refusing to let her puke her anger on me was for > > her to laugh at my pain! > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 5, 2007 Report Share Posted May 5, 2007 In my lifetime - 61 year - nada has apologized twice. And twice she made statements that alluded to the fact that there may be something wrong with how she acts. HOWEVER - I can't even remember what the first apology was for because I so often disassociate when she talks to me. I do remember the second apology - I think it is telling that it came when I was 57 years old (took her awhile, doncha think?). She apologized for something she had done the year previous, and it was definitely a plea to reestablish contact after I had gone limited contact that year. So, the phone call, - yes, a 'heartfelt' apology over the phone, even though she lived 15 minutes away -, started with " I don't blame you if you never want to talk to me, BUT...... And then she apologized for her bad behavior during our family vacation. During this apology, she did admit, for the first and only time, that when she gets upset she often doesn't remember what she says and does. But in some way, she uses this to her advantage - implying that since she can't remember, I should forgive her based on that alone. Ah - BPD logic. As we further discussed this, and leading to my eventually going no contact, she later denied that she had an anger problem at all. (And I was just focusing on the anger to be 'kind' to her. I thought that if she would try to deal with just one area of her personality, that maybe she could work on that and we would all appreciate her efforts.) The other statement made to me was that she realized that I had a better ability to communicate to my children than she had. You know, if she had only been more honest to me, like she was this time, I could have better accepted her treatment of me. I knew there was something wrong, I just wanted nada and dishrage to acknowledge that too. Having nada and dishrag totally ignore the truth of what was happening in our family was the biggest betrayal to me. I never received acknowledgement or apology from my father - just the global statements of 'she doesn't mean it', 'don't upset her', etc. Sylvia > > Yes it does! OK, let's solve this once and for all! Has anyone here > EVER received a sincere apology/admittance of wrongdoing from their > BPD parent? Or even from the nonBPD parent about the BPD parent? > Anyone? Bueler? > > I know when my momster browbeat me into telling her " why do you hate > me " , when I told her one incident that hurt me, she laughed in my > face. BTW, " why do you hate me " was my punishment for saying " Mom, I > know you're angry at my aunt, but it feels like you're yelling at me > and I can't listen anymore, so maybe you should contact a therapist " > after listening to her for 15 minutes say " she has no morals. she has > no values. she has no scruples. she has no morals. she has no values. > she has no scruples......etc " > > So my punishment for refusing to let her puke her anger on me was for > her to laugh at my pain! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 5, 2007 Report Share Posted May 5, 2007 I hate that line to! More than any thing I hate that line! So what if we turned out to be a killer or bank robber? Would it be thanks to them? My nada always writes, " I always hear how wonderful of a person you are and how much people love you, I always hear how good of a mother you are. You know the only reason you turned out so nice is be cause of me. You learned how to parent from me. " More like I learned what NOT to do and how NOT to parent from her! Mental not number one don't raise a child in the bar children like parks and play time and school ect, mental note number two don't trash talk every person you come in contact with make and keep friends, mental note number three... I could go on for a life time but why waste space we already know all these things right? And btw she is always accusing the people around me of " poisoning or programming " my mind against her. That's right I can be programmed I am the robot! I'm sorry the only poison thing I see any where around is her and that is why I stay away. She should have to wear a tee shirt that says " !Danger! " I love this tee shirt topic we should start a tee shirt thread. Love Lizzy > > > > " Yes it does! OK, let's solve this once and for all! Has anyone here > > EVER received a sincere apology/admittance of wrongdoing from their > > BPD parent? Or even from the nonBPD parent about the BPD parent? > > Anyone? Bueler? " > > > > > > NEVER! Nada constantly gaslights me and my brother, saying we make > > this stuff up, and that our memories are tainted or poisoned. Then > she > > throws up the whole " nobody's perfect " or " I never did that " or " you > > kids had it pretty good " or " you guys turned out all right, and I > think > > I had something to do with that " or " why can't you just let it go " > > or " that's in the past " . Deny, gaslight, minimize, rinse, repeat. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 5, 2007 Report Share Posted May 5, 2007 Good post, Sylvia. Your words resonate with me, too. " Having nada and dishrag totally ignore the truth of what was happening in our family was the biggest betrayal to me. " That statement hit me between the eyes -- I keep trying to put my finger on what is so hurtful to me about our family dynamic. I think you captured it! My nada's apologies are subtle -- if at all. After she threw me out of the house back in my college days, her " apology " was a meek " I don't know what got into me. " A statement, which, if you think about it, tries to enlist the sympathy of the victim for the perpetrator, and not the other way around! Also, it bears mentioning that she STILL had dishrag make to call to get me to come home. If she had gotten ahold of herself, realized the horrible thing she'd done, taken responsibility for cleaning up her own mess (with me), then I would have probably been able to forgive her. But she and dishrag kept the spotlight and sympathy on HER. He " betrayed " me, as you aptly put it, by further chastising me for daring to call her " crazy " as I left the house. Like I said, you captured it: It was a BETRAYAL. They stood together, and I was out in the cold. It's only taken me 20+ years to see it! (hugs) Kyla > > > > Yes it does! OK, let's solve this once and for all! Has anyone > here > > EVER received a sincere apology/admittance of wrongdoing from their > > BPD parent? Or even from the nonBPD parent about the BPD parent? > > Anyone? Bueler? > > > > I know when my momster browbeat me into telling her " why do you > hate > > me " , when I told her one incident that hurt me, she laughed in my > > face. BTW, " why do you hate me " was my punishment for > saying " Mom, I > > know you're angry at my aunt, but it feels like you're yelling at > me > > and I can't listen anymore, so maybe you should contact a > therapist " > > after listening to her for 15 minutes say " she has no morals. she > has > > no values. she has no scruples. she has no morals. she has no > values. > > she has no scruples......etc " > > > > So my punishment for refusing to let her puke her anger on me was > for > > her to laugh at my pain! > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 5, 2007 Report Share Posted May 5, 2007 Yes - you got it! She is gaslighting you! Sylvia > > So an example of gaslighting would be my nada complaining that we > were all too sensitive to her constructive criticism? > ....... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 5, 2007 Report Share Posted May 5, 2007 I never received acknowledgement or apology from my father - just the global statements of 'she doesn't mean it', 'don't upset her', etc. Sylvia all my life dad has always said those things, " you know she loves you " HOW would I know that ??? " she doesn't mean it " etc, but 3 years ago his eyes opened ( they have since shut again, though ) and he did say he was sorry for not protecting us from her and for letting hr get away with this behavior....so he KNOWS!! he's just back in the comfortable denial again :-( Jackie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 5, 2007 Report Share Posted May 5, 2007 Never. Although I have apologized to her for putting her in the position that made her feel like she had to lash out at me. - vegdeanna wrote: Yes it does! OK, let's solve this once and for all! Has anyone here EVER received a sincere apology/admittance of wrongdoing from their BPD parent? Or even from the nonBPD parent about the BPD parent? Anyone? Bueler? I know when my momster browbeat me into telling her " why do you hate me " , when I told her one incident that hurt me, she laughed in my face. BTW, " why do you hate me " was my punishment for saying " Mom, I know you're angry at my aunt, but it feels like you're yelling at me and I can't listen anymore, so maybe you should contact a therapist " after listening to her for 15 minutes say " she has no morals. she has no values. she has no scruples. she has no morals. she has no values. she has no scruples......etc " So my punishment for refusing to let her puke her anger on me was for her to laugh at my pain! --------------------------------- Ahhh...imagining that irresistible " new car " smell? Check outnew cars at Yahoo! Autos. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 5, 2007 Report Share Posted May 5, 2007 Oh my goodness! How could I have forgotten the " you know she loves you'? Or 'of course she loves you'. Yep, dishrag told me that one too. Nada even said that...'of course I love you'. Oh yeah, of course you do. That's what you really meant when you said " I couldn't possibly love you " . How silly of me to get those two things confused. Sylvia > > > all my life dad has always said those things, " you know she loves you " HOW > would I know that ??? " she doesn't mean it " etc, but 3 years ago his eyes > opened ( they have since shut again, though ) and he did say he was sorry > for not protecting us from her and for letting hr get away with this > behavior....so he KNOWS!! he's just back in the comfortable denial again > :-( > > Jackie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 5, 2007 Report Share Posted May 5, 2007 The thing is guys...I never expected an apology. I wasn't asking for one. I just wanted out. The FOO is the one to try lame attempts of re-engaging me because I said NC. They just don't get that no means no and it's not even about me any more...it's that I'm " taking their grandson away from them. " I know I'll get a sincere honest and clear apology when it's a cold day in hell. I don't need an apology to deal with all this and move on. It's nice enough to have received the validation of what is really happening and be able to just let go. a > > I never received acknowledgement or apology from my father - just > the global statements of 'she doesn't mean it', 'don't upset her', > etc. > > Sylvia > > > all my life dad has always said those things, " you know she loves you " HOW > would I know that ??? " she doesn't mean it " etc, but 3 years ago his eyes > opened ( they have since shut again, though ) and he did say he was sorry > for not protecting us from her and for letting hr get away with this > behavior....so he KNOWS!! he's just back in the comfortable denial again > :-( > > Jackie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 5, 2007 Report Share Posted May 5, 2007 LOL yeah, me too...and looking back, isn't that almost funny, in a sick way ?? Jackie Never. Although I have apologized to her for putting her in the position that made her feel like she had to lash out at me. - Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 5, 2007 Report Share Posted May 5, 2007 Yes! I totally understand. I knew long ago I would not get an apology and I was fine with trying to just move on. My therapist helped me to see that she is " still doing it " which is why it is so hard for me to " get over it " . Although she doesn't use force any more, she uses guilt, she criticizes, minimizes, sticks her nose in, tells me I don't know what I'm talking about... The funny thing was, I had tried so hard to forget the past, that I didn't recognize history was repeating itself! > > The thing is guys...I never expected an apology. I wasn't asking for > one. I just wanted out. The FOO is the one to try lame attempts of > re-engaging me because I said NC. They just don't get that no means > no and it's not even about me any more...it's that I'm " taking their > grandson away from them. " > > I know I'll get a sincere honest and clear apology when it's a cold > day in hell. > > I don't need an apology to deal with all this and move on. It's nice > enough to have received the validation of what is really happening and > be able to just let go. > > a Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 5, 2007 Report Share Posted May 5, 2007 The most recent one I received from dishrag was " Well, that's just the way she is and I've accepted it. " The implication, loud and clear, is that I have to " accept " it, too. (His translation of " accept " is put up with her crap and never call her on it.) -Kyla > > I never received acknowledgement or apology from my father - just > the global statements of 'she doesn't mean it', 'don't upset her', > etc. > > Sylvia > > > all my life dad has always said those things, " you know she loves you " HOW > would I know that ??? " she doesn't mean it " etc, but 3 years ago his eyes > opened ( they have since shut again, though ) and he did say he was sorry > for not protecting us from her and for letting hr get away with this > behavior....so he KNOWS!! he's just back in the comfortable denial again > :-( > > Jackie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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