Guest guest Posted May 5, 2007 Report Share Posted May 5, 2007 Ah, so my answer to that would be " well, I just don't want to see or talk to her more than once a year, and so you should accept THAT " > > The most recent one I received from dishrag was " Well, that's just > the way she is and I've accepted it. " The implication, loud and > clear, is that I have to " accept " it, too. (His translation > of " accept " is put up with her crap and never call her on it.) > > -Kyla > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 5, 2007 Report Share Posted May 5, 2007 I'm lucky I guess that my mom's BPD is atleast lessened by a conscience and morals and she has said " I'm sorry " before. She sincerely didn't know how to be a mother and did some pretty horrible things. Which, she seems to have forgotten. But, she can apologize at times when things are pointed out to her. Other times though she's just cruel. > > > > Yes it does! OK, let's solve this once and for all! Has anyone here > > EVER received a sincere apology/admittance of wrongdoing from their > > BPD parent? Or even from the nonBPD parent about the BPD parent? > > Anyone? Bueler? > > > > I know when my momster browbeat me into telling her " why do you hate > > me " , when I told her one incident that hurt me, she laughed in my > > face. BTW, " why do you hate me " was my punishment for saying " Mom, I > > know you're angry at my aunt, but it feels like you're yelling at me > > and I can't listen anymore, so maybe you should contact a therapist " > > after listening to her for 15 minutes say " she has no morals. she has > > no values. she has no scruples. she has no morals. she has no values. > > she has no scruples......etc " > > > > So my punishment for refusing to let her puke her anger on me was for > > her to laugh at my pain! > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 5, 2007 Report Share Posted May 5, 2007 yes, I expect I will get this this summer when we go there for his 85th birthday...but I'll say " well *I* don't have to " Jackie The most recent one I received from dishrag was " Well, that's just the way she is and I've accepted it. " The implication, loud and clear, is that I have to " accept " it, too. (His translation of " accept " is put up with her crap and never call her on it.) -Kyla Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 5, 2007 Report Share Posted May 5, 2007 This is what I got from the foo. Just accept it, she isn't going to change. They must be getting a very big payoff from accepting it. Sylvia > > The most recent one I received from dishrag was " Well, that's just > the way she is and I've accepted it. " The implication, loud and > clear, is that I have to " accept " it, too. (His translation > of " accept " is put up with her crap and never call her on it.) > > -Kyla >..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 5, 2007 Report Share Posted May 5, 2007 Yup, that's a definite LOL. - sleddog wrote: LOL yeah, me too...and looking back, isn't that almost funny, in a sick way ?? Jackie Never. Although I have apologized to her for putting her in the position that made her feel like she had to lash out at me. - --------------------------------- Ahhh...imagining that irresistible " new car " smell? Check outnew cars at Yahoo! Autos. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 5, 2007 Report Share Posted May 5, 2007 UGGGGH! i used to get " she cant help it! " nan > > I never received acknowledgement or apology from my father - just > the global statements of 'she doesn't mean it', 'don't upset her', > etc. > > Sylvia > > > all my life dad has always said those things, " you know she loves you " HOW > would I know that ??? " she doesn't mean it " etc, but 3 years ago his eyes > opened ( they have since shut again, though ) and he did say he was sorry > for not protecting us from her and for letting hr get away with this > behavior....so he KNOWS!! he's just back in the comfortable denial again > :-( > > Jackie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 6, 2007 Report Share Posted May 6, 2007 Hi Kyla, Sylvia, Jackie, and All, Yes, the minimization sucked big time. For me, minimization is part of DENIAL. The worst thing my dishrag-and-as-abusive-in-his-denial-as-my-nada did was tell me hundreds of times, " Don't hate your mother. " By the time I was a teenager, I had a MOUNTAIN of rage piled up about her abuse and her enablement of the rest of my FOO's abuse of me. It took me MANY YEARS to get rid of and work through that rage, which remains in my psyche as smoldering remnants of the thousands of fires of abuse I tried to avoid and codependently put out in my childhood and teen years with my FOO. I finally realized last year, because of the good people in this group, that it was worse for the long-term than the overt abuse. Like many of you, I work every day to continue recovering and rewire my brain to maintain good self-esteem, calm my soul, get some serenity back and let go of those thoughts and feelings. To this day, I have a very low bull**** tolerance level. Since much of regular communication and conversation has bull**** in it, from advertising to politics to social talk and more, I’m regularly challenged about this. I know most people usually don’t even register minimization and other bull****. For me, red flags quickly start waving and bells go off. I’ve still got a lot of work to do on me. Funny but not-so-funny, when I see overt abuse, like a caregiver talking unnecessarily harshly to a child, that’s a no-brainer for me about being inappropriate and abusive, and I can easily understand and deal with that because, among other things, I know my anger about it is appropriate. I’ve made tremendous progress since joining this group a while back, but when I hear someone bull****ing me or a child, I’ve still got to go somewhere else and calm down as soon as possible before my irritation or mild anger becomes strong anger. I know how to and do it, but I still often resent that I have to do it. That’s part of my fada’s legacy of minimization to me, and work I still have to do. You all understand, don’t you? One Non-BP Recovering Man --- kylaboo728 wrote: > Good post, Sylvia. Your words resonate with me, > too. > > " Having nada and dishrag totally ignore the > truth of what was happening in our family was the > biggest betrayal > to me. " > That statement hit me between the eyes -- I keep > trying to put my > finger on what is so hurtful to me about our family > dynamic. I > think you captured it! > > My nada's apologies are subtle -- if at all. After > she threw me out > of the house back in my college days, her " apology " > was a meek " I > don't know what got into me. " A statement, which, > if you think > about it, tries to enlist the sympathy of the victim > for the > perpetrator, and not the other way around! > > Also, it bears mentioning that she STILL had dishrag > make to call to > get me to come home. If she had gotten ahold of > herself, realized > the horrible thing she'd done, taken responsibility > for cleaning up > her own mess (with me), then I would have probably > been able to > forgive her. But she and dishrag kept the spotlight > and sympathy on > HER. He " betrayed " me, as you aptly put it, by > further chastising > me for daring to call her " crazy " as I left the > house. > > Like I said, you captured it: It was a BETRAYAL. > They stood > together, and I was out in the cold. It's only > taken me 20+ years > to see it! > > (hugs) > Kyla > > > > > > > > > Yes it does! OK, let's solve this once and for > all! Has anyone > > here > > > EVER received a sincere apology/admittance of > wrongdoing from > their > > > BPD parent? Or even from the nonBPD parent > about the BPD parent? > > > Anyone? Bueler? > > > > > > I know when my momster browbeat me into telling > her " why do you > > hate > > > me " , when I told her one incident that hurt me, > she laughed in my > > > face. BTW, " why do you hate me " was my > punishment for > > saying " Mom, I > > > know you're angry at my aunt, but it feels like > you're yelling > at > > me > > > and I can't listen anymore, so maybe you should > contact a > > therapist " > > > after listening to her for 15 minutes say " she > has no morals. > she > > has > > > no values. she has no scruples. she has no > morals. she has no > > values. > > > she has no scruples......etc " > > > > > > So my punishment for refusing to let her puke > her anger on me > was > > for > > > her to laugh at my pain! > > > > > > > > ________________________________________________________________________________\ ____ Expecting? Get great news right away with email Auto-Check. Try the Yahoo! Mail Beta. http://advision.webevents.yahoo.com/mailbeta/newmail_tools.html Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 6, 2007 Report Share Posted May 6, 2007 gosh yes thats where i been at for years. getting over the physical and emotional abuse itself was a peice of cake compared to dealng with the continuing enablement, denial and gerneral FOG thath the FOO dals out. as if i am a sacrificial lamb with one pourpose in life. I sat down and wrote each one of my FOO relatives a leter outlining how abusive Nada was and what they each did to hurt me and encourage the abuse. I got different reactions. or none at all. They still wanted me to " Find it in my heart " , " shes your mother " , " she misses you " or one time i had to phone my aunt asking what was going on tha was so important because nada was trying to call me again (at dads house, of course i'd hang up) this was AFTER i explained to ALL of them why and how i went NC. Auntie had the gall to say " oh honey do you want me to give you her number so you can call her? " gggaaaaagggggh! I just said NO way as THAT relation ship was over and you all should figure that out by now. she just said " okie dokey? " anyways what i am trying to say if this is any help is that if you can find a way to confront each and every relative on your own terms what she did and what they could have done. (but dont come to them with tears and pain - they wont believe you) They will deny, ignore, or pay you lip service etc, or even run tell nada eveything. Then of course she will just say you are exagerrating, etc and say more things to discredit you. But my point is you have stood up for your self and told them for your own peice of mind. That is where i am at now. And i feel better and better each day about it. It doesnt matter so muchto me what they think of me it matters what i think of me. They are not going to be there for you so why should you care what they think. nan throw to the > > > > > > > > Yes it does! OK, let's solve this once and for > > all! Has anyone > > > here > > > > EVER received a sincere apology/admittance of > > wrongdoing from > > their > > > > BPD parent? Or even from the nonBPD parent > > about the BPD parent? > > > > Anyone? Bueler? > > > > > > > > I know when my momster browbeat me into telling > > her " why do you > > > hate > > > > me " , when I told her one incident that hurt me, > > she laughed in my > > > > face. BTW, " why do you hate me " was my > > punishment for > > > saying " Mom, I > > > > know you're angry at my aunt, but it feels like > > you're yelling > > at > > > me > > > > and I can't listen anymore, so maybe you should > > contact a > > > therapist " > > > > after listening to her for 15 minutes say " she > > has no morals. > > she > > > has > > > > no values. she has no scruples. she has no > > morals. she has no > > > values. > > > > she has no scruples......etc " > > > > > > > > So my punishment for refusing to let her puke > > her anger on me > > was > > > for > > > > her to laugh at my pain! > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > ______________________________________________________________________ ______________ > Expecting? Get great news right away with email Auto-Check. > Try the Yahoo! Mail Beta. > http://advision.webevents.yahoo.com/mailbeta/newmail_tools.html > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 19, 2007 Report Share Posted May 19, 2007 " Well, it served you right " was the one I heard the most and still do in lieu of an apology. Recently, with a push from my husband, I bought a new car...my dream car. A cherry red mustang... (excuse me I'm drooling) I never thought I'd actually own one, that was never a " realistic " expectation for me... dreams are just dreams, they don't happen for real... or so I thought for so many years. I was vey nervous about nada finding out. I hid it for a while from my family. When they know something, nada will soon find out. Once she did, and she actually saw the car, she said(hesitantly and slightly snobishly) " Well... It serves you right " . Of all the things to say! It actually fit that time. Who knew!? Re: Minimization Sucks! " Yes it does! OK, let's solve this once and for all! Has anyone here EVER received a sincere apology/admittance of wrongdoing from their BPD parent? Or even from the nonBPD parent about the BPD parent? Anyone? Bueler? " NEVER! Nada constantly gaslights me and my brother, saying we make this stuff up, and that our memories are tainted or poisoned. Then she throws up the whole " nobody's perfect " or " I never did that " or " you kids had it pretty good " or " you guys turned out all right, and I think I had something to do with that " or " why can't you just let it go " or " that's in the past " . Deny, gaslight, minimize, rinse, repeat. ________________________________________________________________________________\ ____Shape Yahoo! in your own image. Join our Network Research Panel today! http://surveylink.yahoo.com/gmrs/yahoo_panel_invite.asp?a=7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 19, 2007 Report Share Posted May 19, 2007 > Recently, with a push from my husband, I bought a new car...my dream car. > A cherry red mustang... (excuse me I'm drooling) I never thought I'd > actually own one, that was >never a " realistic " expectation for me... > dreams are just dreams, they don't happen for >real... congratulations !! my hubby wants an ice blue one !! and dreams can come true, they're realistic....fantasies are what never come true.. >Once she did, and she actually saw the car, she said(hesitantly and >slightly snobishly) " Well... It serves you right " . Of all the things to >say! It actually fit that time. Who >knew!? what a weird thing to say...you should have come back with " thanks, I do deserve it ! " Jackie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 19, 2007 Report Share Posted May 19, 2007 My nada's favorite line when confronted on her behavior is, " I am really sorry that you feel that way. " Uggh!! No accountability on her part whatsoever! It's infuriating. You are a better person than I am for letting go and moving forward. I don't know if I will ever totally let go of my desire for my parents to get how they caused my NC decision. patinage > > > > I never received acknowledgement or apology from my father - just > > the global statements of 'she doesn't mean it', 'don't upset her', > > etc. > > > > Sylvia > > > > > > all my life dad has always said those things, " you know she loves > you " HOW > > would I know that ??? " she doesn't mean it " etc, but 3 years ago > his eyes > > opened ( they have since shut again, though ) and he did say he was > sorry > > for not protecting us from her and for letting hr get away with this > > behavior....so he KNOWS!! he's just back in the comfortable denial > again > > :-( > > > > Jackie > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 19, 2007 Report Share Posted May 19, 2007 dasn my nada wouldnt be THAT nice. She says, " YOU made me " , or if you react to anything she says and does " you need to get over that destructiveness " urrrgh nan > > > > > > I never received acknowledgement or apology from my father - just > > > the global statements of 'she doesn't mean it', 'don't upset her', > > > etc. > > > > > > Sylvia > > > > > > > > > all my life dad has always said those things, " you know she loves > > you " HOW > > > would I know that ??? " she doesn't mean it " etc, but 3 years ago > > his eyes > > > opened ( they have since shut again, though ) and he did say he > was > > sorry > > > for not protecting us from her and for letting hr get away with > this > > > behavior....so he KNOWS!! he's just back in the comfortable > denial > > again > > > :-( > > > > > > Jackie > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 20, 2007 Report Share Posted May 20, 2007 Oh, my nada is exactly the same!... " YOU made me this way! I was so sweet before I had you! " or " Nobody is perfect, you need to get over it! " is also as close as she's ever come to apologizing. Becky > > > > > > > dasn my nada wouldnt be THAT nice. She says, " YOU made me " , or if you > react to anything she says and does " you need to get over that > destructiveness " > urrrgh > > nan > > > > > > > > I never received acknowledgement or apology from my father - > just > > > > the global statements of 'she doesn't mean it', 'don't upset > her', > > > > etc. > > > > > > > > Sylvia > > > > > > > > > > > > all my life dad has always said those things, " you know she > loves > > > you " HOW > > > > would I know that ??? " she doesn't mean it " etc, but 3 years > ago > > > his eyes > > > > opened ( they have since shut again, though ) and he did say he > > was > > > sorry > > > > for not protecting us from her and for letting hr get away with > > this > > > > behavior....so he KNOWS!! he's just back in the comfortable > > denial > > > again > > > > :-( > > > > > > > > Jackie > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 20, 2007 Report Share Posted May 20, 2007 Although this " may " sound unrelated, I felt compelled to write that I'm first, an ONLY CHILD. For years I fantasized having sibling(s) and the possible potential that would have for taking some of the heat off of me...or realistically, DISPERSING some of the energy which came to roost squarely on me. Once when I asked why she never had but me, I was told, " You were too much for me, so why would I want any more? " You have to understand that when she said that, I was the PERFECT child...the MODEL child...NEVER doing ANYTHING wrong...truly...'cuz I wouldn't DARE. SO...how could my perfection be challenged by this statement? I don't recall, exactly when this all went down, but I had to have been somewhere around 15 or so. Upon reflecting on this, I now realize how hurt I was and how this greatly impacted the once PERFECT child. Gawd, the things we had to endure, huh? > > > > > > > > > > I never received acknowledgement or apology from my father - > > just > > > > > the global statements of 'she doesn't mean it', 'don't upset > > her', > > > > > etc. > > > > > > > > > > Sylvia > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > all my life dad has always said those things, " you know she > > loves > > > > you " HOW > > > > > would I know that ??? " she doesn't mean it " etc, but 3 years > > ago > > > > his eyes > > > > > opened ( they have since shut again, though ) and he did say he > > > was > > > > sorry > > > > > for not protecting us from her and for letting hr get away with > > > this > > > > > behavior....so he KNOWS!! he's just back in the comfortable > > > denial > > > > again > > > > > :-( > > > > > > > > > > Jackie > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 20, 2007 Report Share Posted May 20, 2007 Yes they say the most thoughtless selfish things. nada told me " you have allways been dificult " meaning she could not have complete control over my every thought, breath and action. nan > > > > > > > > > > > > I never received acknowledgement or apology from my father - > > > just > > > > > > the global statements of 'she doesn't mean it', 'don't upset > > > her', > > > > > > etc. > > > > > > > > > > > > Sylvia > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > all my life dad has always said those things, " you know she > > > loves > > > > > you " HOW > > > > > > would I know that ??? " she doesn't mean it " etc, but 3 years > > > ago > > > > > his eyes > > > > > > opened ( they have since shut again, though ) and he did say > he > > > > was > > > > > sorry > > > > > > for not protecting us from her and for letting hr get away > with > > > > this > > > > > > behavior....so he KNOWS!! he's just back in the comfortable > > > > denial > > > > > again > > > > > > :-( > > > > > > > > > > > > Jackie > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 20, 2007 Report Share Posted May 20, 2007 Nan ... well put ... her control issues, well, let's just leave it at that. I still believe she controls me from the grave on occasion!! > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I never received acknowledgement or apology from my > father - > > > > just > > > > > > > the global statements of 'she doesn't mean it', 'don't > upset > > > > her', > > > > > > > etc. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Sylvia > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > all my life dad has always said those things, " you know > she > > > > loves > > > > > > you " HOW > > > > > > > would I know that ??? " she doesn't mean it " etc, but 3 > years > > > > ago > > > > > > his eyes > > > > > > > opened ( they have since shut again, though ) and he did > say > > he > > > > > was > > > > > > sorry > > > > > > > for not protecting us from her and for letting hr get > away > > with > > > > > this > > > > > > > behavior....so he KNOWS!! he's just back in the > comfortable > > > > > denial > > > > > > again > > > > > > > :-( > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Jackie > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 20, 2007 Report Share Posted May 20, 2007 > > > > > > > > > > > > I never received acknowledgement or apology from my father - > > > just > > > > > > the global statements of 'she doesn't mean it', 'don't upset > > > her', > > > > > > etc. > > > > > > > > > > > > Sylvia > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > all my life dad has always said those things, " you know she > > > loves > > > > > you " HOW > > > > > > would I know that ??? " she doesn't mean it " etc, but 3 years > > > ago > > > > > his eyes > > > > > > opened ( they have since shut again, though ) and he did say > he > > > > was > > > > > sorry > > > > > > for not protecting us from her and for letting hr get away > with > > > > this > > > > > > behavior....so he KNOWS!! he's just back in the comfortable > > > > denial > > > > > again > > > > > > :-( > > > > > > > > > > > > Jackie > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > my mother's favorite line is: " I'm sorry you feel that way. " She gives it to me all the time. She has even admitted she loves to use it because it " suggests that I'm listening to you, but allows me to refuse ownership of other people's problems. " But her ANTHEM has to be " I did it all for YOU. If it hadn't been for your father I would have been the perfect mother! I am in the pathetic state I am in today because I sacrificed everything for YOU. You OWE me because if it weren't for me you'd be living in the streets, on drugs, and/or dead! " (It doesn't dawn on her that I am not in those places DESPITE her!) This is why we call her, " Cleopatra, Queen of Denial. " Here's another recent issue: everyone on her side of the family suffers from heart problems. She had a heart attack in 1990 and to this day swears that it was simply a nervous breakdown and the doctor was making the heart attack up so he could get more money out of her. Last week her brother had chest pains, went to the hospital, and ended up getting a quadruple bipass surgery. She wears he didn't need it, there is no such thing as heart disease- it is a myth made up by doctors so they can make more money. She is furious that the doctors put him through such a dangerous surgery just so they could make a few bucks and she is SUPER furious at us for not jumping on her bandwagon- we must not care about her brother as much as she does! Also, she has COPD and emphasema, and smokes like a chimney. She can't hardly walk- sits in her chair all day smoking and watching TV- but she insists that there is no such thing as health problems associated with smoking (including cancer!) and that the " PC people " are just making it up to make smokers look bad. She says it's prejudice adn that there is nothing wrong with her. She also said she is not worried about her health (she is 59) because she knows when she gets " really bad " that I will quit college and move back home (3000 miles away) to take care of her! Boy, is she in for a surprise!!! Okay, I'm done venting. Thanks for the soap box. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 20, 2007 Report Share Posted May 20, 2007 Hello, That is horrible and i cringed when I read it. I had those same things said to me. I have always felt guilty just for being alive. It's so horrible. And I know what you mean about being perfect that you wouldn't dare start trouble. Just want you to know someone totally believes you! I always felt like I had to defend myself all the time so people wouldn't believe her lies. Anyway, hope it helps westwindspirit wrote: Yes they say the most thoughtless selfish things. nada told me " you have allways been dificult " meaning she could not have complete control over my every thought, breath and action. nan > > > > > > > > > > > > I never received acknowledgement or apology from my father - > > > just > > > > > > the global statements of 'she doesn't mean it', 'don't upset > > > her', > > > > > > etc. > > > > > > > > > > > > Sylvia > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > all my life dad has always said those things, " you know she > > > loves > > > > > you " HOW > > > > > > would I know that ??? " she doesn't mean it " etc, but 3 years > > > ago > > > > > his eyes > > > > > > opened ( they have since shut again, though ) and he did say > he > > > > was > > > > > sorry > > > > > > for not protecting us from her and for letting hr get away > with > > > > this > > > > > > behavior....so he KNOWS!! he's just back in the comfortable > > > > denial > > > > > again > > > > > > :-( > > > > > > > > > > > > Jackie > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > --------------------------------- Give spam the boot. Take control with tough spam protection in the all-new Yahoo! Mail Beta. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 20, 2007 Report Share Posted May 20, 2007 Oh yes, I totally understand that! I was a " good girl " too and she still hated me! My MERE EXISTENCE filled her with such anger, hatred and disgust. It was all over her face, and she saved that face just for me. It really wasn't that I, or you, did anything wrong. It was just that they could not handle their own emotions, and so they sure couldn't properly care for another person. -Deanna > > Although this " may " sound unrelated, I felt compelled to write that I'm > first, an ONLY CHILD. For years I fantasized having sibling(s) and the > possible potential that would have for taking some of the heat off of > me...or realistically, DISPERSING some of the energy which came to roost > squarely on me. Once when I asked why she never had but me, I was told, > " You were too much for me, so why would I want any more? " You have to > understand that when she said that, I was the PERFECT child...the MODEL > child...NEVER doing ANYTHING wrong...truly...'cuz I wouldn't DARE. > SO...how could my perfection be challenged by this statement? I don't > recall, exactly when this all went down, but I had to have been > somewhere around 15 or so. > > Upon reflecting on this, I now realize how hurt I was and how this > greatly impacted the once PERFECT child. Gawd, the things we had to > endure, huh? > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 20, 2007 Report Share Posted May 20, 2007 yes i know what you mean. and when you find yourself being so defensive about what is true, even to normal people then because of how anxious you apear, they tend not to beleive you! urrrrgh nan > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I never received acknowledgement or apology from my > father - > > > > just > > > > > > > the global statements of 'she doesn't mean it', 'don't > upset > > > > her', > > > > > > > etc. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Sylvia > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > all my life dad has always said those things, " you know > she > > > > loves > > > > > > you " HOW > > > > > > > would I know that ??? " she doesn't mean it " etc, but 3 > years > > > > ago > > > > > > his eyes > > > > > > > opened ( they have since shut again, though ) and he did > say > > he > > > > > was > > > > > > sorry > > > > > > > for not protecting us from her and for letting hr get > away > > with > > > > > this > > > > > > > behavior....so he KNOWS!! he's just back in the > comfortable > > > > > denial > > > > > > again > > > > > > > :-( > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Jackie > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > --------------------------------- > Give spam the boot. Take control with tough spam protection > in the all-new Yahoo! Mail Beta. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 20, 2007 Report Share Posted May 20, 2007 I hear you with dispersing the nada misery. That is a bummer that you had to take it on all by yourself. You were probably the black and white sheep of the family all at the same time. I was the last of 3 kids and when my 2nd brother went off to college, I was left to be my mom's counselor and confidant all by myself. It was the worst 2 yrs of my life. I developed an eating disorder during this time. It is hard enough to be a teenager, then add the responsibility of raising your parent and meeting their emotional needs on top of it is a recipe that will mess up a kid. patinage > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I never received acknowledgement or apology from my > father - > > > > just > > > > > > > the global statements of 'she doesn't mean it', 'don't > upset > > > > her', > > > > > > > etc. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Sylvia > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > all my life dad has always said those things, " you know > she > > > > loves > > > > > > you " HOW > > > > > > > would I know that ??? " she doesn't mean it " etc, but 3 > years > > > > ago > > > > > > his eyes > > > > > > > opened ( they have since shut again, though ) and he did > say > > he > > > > > was > > > > > > sorry > > > > > > > for not protecting us from her and for letting hr get > away > > with > > > > > this > > > > > > > behavior....so he KNOWS!! he's just back in the > comfortable > > > > > denial > > > > > > again > > > > > > > :-( > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Jackie > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > my mother's favorite line is: " I'm sorry you feel that way. " She gives > it to me all the time. She has even admitted she loves to use it > because it " suggests that I'm listening to you, but allows me to > refuse ownership of other people's problems. " > > But her ANTHEM has to be " I did it all for YOU. If it hadn't been for > your father I would have been the perfect mother! I am in the > pathetic state I am in today because I sacrificed everything for YOU. > You OWE me because if it weren't for me you'd be living in the > streets, on drugs, and/or dead! " (It doesn't dawn on her that I am > not in those places DESPITE her!) > > This is why we call her, " Cleopatra, Queen of Denial. " > > Here's another recent issue: everyone on her side of the family > suffers from heart problems. She had a heart attack in 1990 and to > this day swears that it was simply a nervous breakdown and the doctor > was making the heart attack up so he could get more money out of her. > > Last week her brother had chest pains, went to the hospital, and > ended up getting a quadruple bipass surgery. She wears he didn't need > it, there is no such thing as heart disease- it is a myth made up by > doctors so they can make more money. She is furious that the doctors > put him through such a dangerous surgery just so they could make a > few bucks and she is SUPER furious at us for not jumping on her > bandwagon- we must not care about her brother as much as she does! > > Also, she has COPD and emphasema, and smokes like a chimney. She > can't hardly walk- sits in her chair all day smoking and watching TV- > but she insists that there is no such thing as health problems > associated with smoking (including cancer!) and that the " PC people " > are just making it up to make smokers look bad. She says it's > prejudice adn that there is nothing wrong with her. She also said she > is not worried about her health (she is 59) because she knows when > she gets " really bad " that I will quit college and move back home > (3000 miles away) to take care of her! Boy, is she in for a > surprise!!! > > Okay, I'm done venting. Thanks for the soap box. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 21, 2007 Report Share Posted May 21, 2007 Deanna, You said it so well, you must've known my nada, sorry! I got it from more than one person in my FOO. Anyone else here get that " MERE EXISTANCE " treatment from more than one person in their FOO? If so, how many people and, (if you feel comfortable saying it) what was their role (nada, fada, sibling, aunt, uncle, etc.)? One Non-BP Recovering Man --- vegdeanna wrote: > Oh yes, I totally understand that! I was a " good > girl " too and she > still hated me! My MERE EXISTENCE filled her with > such anger, hatred > and disgust. It was all over her face, and she > saved that face just > for me. > > It really wasn't that I, or you, did anything wrong. > It was just that > they could not handle their own emotions, and so > they sure couldn't > properly care for another person. > > -Deanna > > > > > > Although this " may " sound unrelated, I felt > compelled to write that I'm > > first, an ONLY CHILD. For years I fantasized > having sibling(s) and the > > possible potential that would have for taking some > of the heat off of > > me...or realistically, DISPERSING some of the > energy which came to roost > > squarely on me. Once when I asked why she never > had but me, I was told, > > " You were too much for me, so why would I want any > more? " You have to > > understand that when she said that, I was the > PERFECT child...the MODEL > > child...NEVER doing ANYTHING wrong...truly...'cuz > I wouldn't DARE. > > SO...how could my perfection be challenged by this > statement? I don't > > recall, exactly when this all went down, but I had > to have been > > somewhere around 15 or so. > > > > Upon reflecting on this, I now realize how hurt I > was and how this > > greatly impacted the once PERFECT child. Gawd, > the things we had to > > endure, huh? > > > > > > ________________________________________________________________________________\ ____ Park yourself in front of a world of choices in alternative vehicles. Visit the Yahoo! Auto Green Center. http://autos.yahoo.com/green_center/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 21, 2007 Report Share Posted May 21, 2007 oh geez, grustel, jackie, silvia..... it's always so bittersweet to hear the uncanny similarities we all have. i understand the only child thing - it's awful to feel so invalidated and so alone. the minimization crap sucks, too. i was in a pretty bad haze of depression all throughout highschool - and i kept telling nada that i felt sad all the time and all i did was sleep. she laughed at me and said that it would be impossible to be happy all the time and that i had nothing to be sad about, otherwise i would be crazy. funny advice coming from a crazy person. love to you guys (gals), christine. > > > > > > > > > > > > I never received acknowledgement or apology from my father - > > > just > > > > > > the global statements of 'she doesn't mean it', 'don't upset > > > her', > > > > > > etc. > > > > > > > > > > > > Sylvia > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > all my life dad has always said those things, " you know she > > > loves > > > > > you " HOW > > > > > > would I know that ??? " she doesn't mean it " etc, but 3 years > > > ago > > > > > his eyes > > > > > > opened ( they have since shut again, though ) and he did say > he > > > > was > > > > > sorry > > > > > > for not protecting us from her and for letting hr get away > with > > > > this > > > > > > behavior....so he KNOWS!! he's just back in the comfortable > > > > denial > > > > > again > > > > > > :-( > > > > > > > > > > > > Jackie > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 21, 2007 Report Share Posted May 21, 2007 As an only child, I always wanted a sibling who would agree with me that our upbringing had far too much craziness involved! is --------------------------------- TV dinner still cooling? Check out " Tonight's Picks " on Yahoo! TV. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 21, 2007 Report Share Posted May 21, 2007 not all of them would...so you may have one like my oldest brother, who is nadas favorite child...he was not treated as badly as the rest, and he refuses to talk about it...he calls his mommy every week, he's a mama's boy. he does what she tells him to do...and gushes over her..(even when I did what I was told to do, I was still the hated child..) but it IS nice to talk with my sisters as they had the same experiences I did with the Evil One...my other brother did too, but he died before I knew about BPD and NPD...although I do think the 5 of us had her " thinned " out..but I was the last, and got it all the last years I was and " only child " before I left.. Jackie As an only child, I always wanted a sibling who would agree with me that our upbringing had far too much craziness involved! is Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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