Re: Honesty?-for Lady Lin Owen

[Guest guest]

Thank you so much for your posting. I'm writing not so much in response

to your pain issues, but your relationship issues. I'm a

single mom of a 6 year old, and I want to be married and have a whole

family more than anything in the world, but feel like with my chronic

pain and illnesses, who would want to take that on?

Is it true that when you meet the right person they can accept all that

your body goes through? And when do you bring it all up? I think men get

scared off when they learn about my problems. I don't bring them up

right away, but gradually over time they see me in pain, not able to

eat, not able to move, and then they leave. I don't know why none of my

relationships haven't worked out, sometimes I don't want it, but there

have been a few men I've been so completely in love with and wanted to

be with forever, but it hasn't worked out, and I feel like it's because

I'm too much of a burden.

How did you find someone who can look beyond your physical problems and

see who you really are? And is it fair to get involved with someone

knowing what they'll be thrust into? I wouldn't wish this on anybody. I

feel like it's more fair if I'm just alone forever, as to not burden

anyone, but at the same time the idea of being alone forever is just

absolutely heartbreaking (as I sit here now crying about the thought of

it).

I feel bad enough my son sees me like this, but at least he'll grow up

and move on with his life, as a very compassionate man, but why should I

put someone else through it all? Please give me advice!!!

I don't want to be alone forever.

Thanks so much,

jules

[Guest guest]

Jules,

I left my son's father when he was 2, (He just turned 14)

Five years ago, I was Blessed by meeting my Hunny. We met online and talked for

months before we finally met in person. We haven't been apart since. When he

asked me to marry him, I tried to talk him out of it. I was quite a bit

healthier then, but knew my conditions are progressive. I was working as a

legal secretary, making VERY good money, LOVING my job but knew that it wouldn't

be forever.

I haven't been able to work for over 3 years now. Some days I can't get out

of bed, some days, I am just a plain old nasty B*^%$! I can't tell you how many

times I have told this man to leave, that I am too much of a burden, that he

deserves better. Each and every time he has told me that there is no one else in

the world he would rather be with. That he loves me more than anything, and

would not be happy without me. He is here for the long haul, like it or not!

:-)

So, Yes, there *are* people out there. Like you, I had about given up, and

BANG! There he was. Keep up the faith!

Not only does this man provide for me *and* my son, he is an awesome father

to him, and is *the* most empathetic, sympathetic, wonderful man I have ever

met. He brings me coffee in bed, flowers for no reason, cooks or takes us out

when I am hurting too badly to cook...He would do anything he could to make me

happy. And Quite frankly, I'll do the same for him...we are very happy.

About your son...Kids need to learn about life to...Age-appropriately of

course. I think my son has become quite self reliant - he can cook, clean, do

laundry, and more importantly, he is a very loving, caring young man. He has

become very compassionate and I think it is partly due to my condition.

Hope this helps a bit:-)

Blessed Be, Lori in California

From: delierwestland

Thank you so much for your posting. I'm writing not so much in response

to your pain issues, but your relationship issues. I'm a

single mom of a 6 year old, and I want to be married and have a whole

family more than anything in the world, but feel like with my chronic

pain and illnesses, who would want to take that on?

[Guest guest]

Dearest One;

Whew, you've written the one letter I somehow knew was coming. Now with me it

seems I always choose the under dog. The loosers the one's no one wanted, and oh

boy did most of them see me coming. I was taken for my money, my sex, and

anything else they could get thier grimmy lil hands onto.

By the time that Dennis found me, I was living in a severely run down old

farmhouse which you could feel the wind blowing through on a cold day. I had

lost nearly all my friends because they didn't understand the drug habit which

can happen when your in severe pain. I was having horrid mood swings and didn't

realize it. And I trusted NO one. not women or men.

I had placed several " Online Ads " for a man, and when things got rough I changed

all of them basically saying that all men are jerks, that love doesn't exist.

Etc, etc.

Dennis ran across my ad and emailed me saying he wanted to prove to me that the

world wasn't such a nasty place after all. I sent him back a letter stating all

my health problems and that i had a teenager with emotional problems. I tried

my darndest to push him away, it didn't work and I am so thankful for that.

He knew before we even met what was going on we talked every night on the phone,

and most of each day on line. We agreed that no matter how much it hurt there

would be NO secrets.

His first email was to me on December 23rd 2000, we met February 1st, 2001 and

have been together ever since. The first 2 years were long distance and believe

me if you can make a long distance relationship last you can survive almost

anything.

I think what might help you is to write down all your physical and emotional

problems be brutally honest about it. Then walk away from it. When you come

back write down what you have to offer, someone.

I have often asked Dennis why he wanted me and he said because I can see a jewel

in the rough behind all the walls, all the barriers i had set up, and all the

fear i held. That there was someone inside he wanted to get to know better, and

he's still learning me. He probably will for a long time because I believe pain

sufferers hide, they are really good at burrying things because they simply

can't deal with them and its easier not to recognize those problems and only

deal with the present.

You ask is it true that when you meet the right person they can accept your body

no matter what it goes through?

" The answer is yes " But you have to learn to share it with them. Now I know that

may not make anysense but you do. Look at Reeves. Dana stood by him

through thick and thin. Dennis is like her he has stayed with me through thick

and thin, from learning about the abuse i suffered as a child and as an adult at

others hands, to listening to me vent loudly at times of my fears, my

insecurities, my irritations, and nightmares.

Patience is the first step in any relationship especially if pain or a ailment

is involved.

Honesty also is extremely important.

And finally but not least unconditional love. Now mind you if you've been

abused or even abandoned at any time in your life accepting unconditional love

can be a confusing, even at times fearful thing because someone cares

enough/loves you enough to want you inside and out. With all your faults, all

your baggage, and problems. And they are also there to help you reawaken your

hopes, dreams, and goals. Though these may have changed since you became ill. I

know mine have.

The reason none of your relationships have worked out is they were either too

weak to accept you as you are or too selfish to want to help you heal. People

are selfish, they are weak, they are users, its the way of the world. Its NOT

your fault. Yes it takes two to tango I'm not saying that it doesnt. But what I

am saying is don't cling to your illness in your search of another.

Get active in a support group or if you have a hobby find out if there is a

group locally which also in into that hobby, and learn to expand your world

around you. Most likely when you do that someone will find you, because you will

be sharing a part of you which isn't in pain, your soul.

Boy coming from me this sounds weird. You are only as much a burden as you allow

yourself to be or you believe yourself to be. Saying I'm a burden is a pitty me

path, its not good dear. I know it, I still crash hard some days and feel like

i'm useless, worthless and a huge burden to everyone. I think we all go through

this. But if we can stop and say no I'm not the burden the pain or illness is

and I refuse to cave in you'll feel better about yourself in the long run. I'm

not saying its easy but this is how i've learned to deal with it.

You ask is it fair to share your burden with a partner yes it is. If someone

wants to know about you share all of you. If they are too shallow to accept all

of you, then you don't want them in the first place honey.

As for your son. Smiles I have one too he's 17 just went back to school after

being out for 2 months due to mono and found out last night his girl friend has

been cheating on him the whole time. As a mother I can listen to his words of

pain, and anger. I can hold him and let him vent. But I can't do more than that

its his path. Leave yourself open to your son, learn to be his best friend it

helps when things get rocky. So long as you are there for him when the chips

get down your doing all you can.

Don't worry that you can't buy him a car, or do this materialist thing or that

for Him. What he will remember dear heart is that you listened when he needed

someone there for him.

this may sound like a guru but its true if you listen to your surroundings your

never alone. Step outside listen to the birds, the bugs, and what ever other

creatures are around. You also have friends here. So in a way your never alone

unless you choose to be.

Sincerely with hugs

Lin`Owen

[Guest guest]

You are the sweetest woman!! Thank you so much for your kind words,

and for reminding me what I already know. It helps to see it all in

black in white right in front of you, it's easy to forget, and

certainly helps to know there are some decent men still in the

world. Bless you!!!

Jules

>

> Dearest One;

>

> Whew, you've written the one letter I somehow knew was coming. Now

with me it seems I always choose the under dog. The loosers the one's

no one wanted, and oh boy did most of them see me coming. I was taken

for my money, my sex, and anything else they could get thier grimmy

lil hands onto.

> By the time that Dennis found me, I was living in a severely run

down old farmhouse which you could feel the wind blowing through on a

cold day. I had lost nearly all my friends because they didn't

understand the drug habit which can happen when your in severe pain.

I was having horrid mood swings and didn't realize it. And I trusted

NO one. not women or men.

>

> I had placed several " Online Ads " for a man, and when things got

rough I changed all of them basically saying that all men are jerks,

that love doesn't exist. Etc, etc.

> Dennis ran across my ad and emailed me saying he wanted to prove to

me that the world wasn't such a nasty place after all. I sent him

back a letter stating all my health problems and that i had a

teenager with emotional problems. I tried my darndest to push him

away, it didn't work and I am so thankful for that.

> He knew before we even met what was going on we talked every night

on the phone, and most of each day on line. We agreed that no matter

how much it hurt there would be NO secrets.

> His first email was to me on December 23rd 2000, we met February

1st, 2001 and have been together ever since. The first 2 years were

long distance and believe me if you can make a long distance

relationship last you can survive almost anything.

> I think what might help you is to write down all your physical and

emotional problems be brutally honest about it. Then walk away from

it. When you come back write down what you have to offer, someone.

> I have often asked Dennis why he wanted me and he said because I

can see a jewel in the rough behind all the walls, all the barriers i

had set up, and all the fear i held. That there was someone inside

he wanted to get to know better, and he's still learning me. He

probably will for a long time because I believe pain sufferers hide,

they are really good at burrying things because they simply can't

deal with them and its easier not to recognize those problems and

only deal with the present.

>

> You ask is it true that when you meet the right person they can

accept your body no matter what it goes through?

> " The answer is yes " But you have to learn to share it with them.

Now I know that may not make anysense but you do. Look at

Reeves. Dana stood by him through thick and thin. Dennis is like

her he has stayed with me through thick and thin, from learning about

the abuse i suffered as a child and as an adult at others hands, to

listening to me vent loudly at times of my fears, my insecurities, my

irritations, and nightmares.

> Patience is the first step in any relationship especially if pain

or a ailment is involved.

> Honesty also is extremely important.

> And finally but not least unconditional love. Now mind you if

you've been abused or even abandoned at any time in your life

accepting unconditional love can be a confusing, even at times

fearful thing because someone cares enough/loves you enough to want

you inside and out. With all your faults, all your baggage, and

problems. And they are also there to help you reawaken your hopes,

dreams, and goals. Though these may have changed since you became

ill. I know mine have.

>

> The reason none of your relationships have worked out is they were

either too weak to accept you as you are or too selfish to want to

help you heal. People are selfish, they are weak, they are users,

its the way of the world. Its NOT your fault. Yes it takes two to

tango I'm not saying that it doesnt. But what I am saying is don't

cling to your illness in your search of another.

> Get active in a support group or if you have a hobby find out if

there is a group locally which also in into that hobby, and learn to

expand your world around you. Most likely when you do that someone

will find you, because you will be sharing a part of you which isn't

in pain, your soul.

>

> Boy coming from me this sounds weird. You are only as much a burden

as you allow yourself to be or you believe yourself to be. Saying

I'm a burden is a pitty me path, its not good dear. I know it, I

still crash hard some days and feel like i'm useless, worthless and a

huge burden to everyone. I think we all go through this. But if we

can stop and say no I'm not the burden the pain or illness is and I

refuse to cave in you'll feel better about yourself in the long run.

I'm not saying its easy but this is how i've learned to deal with it.

>

> You ask is it fair to share your burden with a partner yes it is.

If someone wants to know about you share all of you. If they are too

shallow to accept all of you, then you don't want them in the first

place honey.

>

> As for your son. Smiles I have one too he's 17 just went back to

school after being out for 2 months due to mono and found out last

night his girl friend has been cheating on him the whole time. As a

mother I can listen to his words of pain, and anger. I can hold him

and let him vent. But I can't do more than that its his path. Leave

yourself open to your son, learn to be his best friend it helps when

things get rocky. So long as you are there for him when the chips

get down your doing all you can.

> Don't worry that you can't buy him a car, or do this materialist

thing or that for Him. What he will remember dear heart is that you

listened when he needed someone there for him.

>

> this may sound like a guru but its true if you listen to your

surroundings your never alone. Step outside listen to the birds, the

bugs, and what ever other creatures are around. You also have friends

here. So in a way your never alone unless you choose to be.

>

> Sincerely with hugs

> Lin`Owen