RE: Examples of values - wording especially

[Guest guest]

Hi iolanda,

I hope I'm not over-posting to you--trust you will let me know if I am.

I'm not sure the wording of your values is reflective of the underlying core value. If your values contain actions (verbs), the words may not represent the actual value. For example, when you say "Keep up the incredible exercise and diet regime", the underlying core value might be physical fitness--to be as physically fit as possible for you--exercise and diet are just two of the things you can do in service of the core value. And the underlying core value for "Do things to replace my lost memories" might be mental and cognitive flexibility. For me, I try get to the all-encompassing phrase that best describes the value, then I consider what actions I can take toward each value.

Upon re-reading Bill's values, I see that they mostly revolve around other people. I can honestly say mine don't, at this point, because I am still struggling with my sense of having nothing valuable to give. So my primary values at this point center around strengthening my personal relationships with others, along with being compassionate with myself (compassion toward others comes easily for me).

Helena

Examples of values - wording especially

Values are leading principles that clarify what's important to you (from Happiness Trap p. 186 & 253)The only person that's replied is Bill

Here are a few of my values, in no particular order :

These define the direction I want my life to take.

Being a loving son

Being a loving husband

Being a loving father and grandfather

Being a responsible community member

Being pyschologically flexible (practice ACT)

Being helpful to others who want to be psychologically flexible (help others practice ACT)..... my draft ones are SO very different and that's the reason I asked the question ,.... because mine are different.eg. Leisure -Don't let fear of unknown or lack of confidence stop me from doing any craft or hobby.Personal growth -Do things to replace my lost memoriesKeep up the incredible exercise and diet regimeetcI've got more but there are some of them. I'd love it if there could be discussion on this topic since it's one of the core principles Thanksiolanda-- Smile – it increases your face value!!! ;-)

[Guest guest]

Happy to share.I have a long list of values written in pencil in my copy of the Happiness Trap - I usually have 3 or 4 that I have in the front of my mind at any one time, and make sure I have goals to go with them. But I rotate them with others, as and when I feel like it. So these all change (except the first one). The goals do change, of course.(1) I value being a supporting and playful dad.Goals: To continue learning about his developmental problems, and the support available to him; to talk with his teachers every few weeks about his progress in school; to ensure our speech work at home is effective, by regularly consulting with speech therapists; to do something exciting every weekend with my son (this weekend, we are making "zombie cupcakes".... don't ask!)(2) I value being a conscientious worker[My

goals in this regard are very much around my work, so won't detail them](3) I value contributing to my communityGoals: to help my friend's campaign to be an elected councillor; to join the committee of the local resident's action group; to write letters to the local paper on issues that bug me.(4) I value "me" timeGoals: to spend up to an hour a day relaxing with a book, on the DS, playing scrabble online, or watching crap horror movies. xSubject: Examples of values - wording especiallyTo: ACT_for_the_Public Date: Friday, 28 January, 2011, 12:23

Values are leading principles that clarify what's important to you

(from Happiness Trap p. 186 & 253)

The only person that's replied is Bill

Here are a few of my values, in no particular order :

These define the direction I want my life to take.

Being a loving son

Being a loving husband

Being a loving father and grandfather

Being a responsible community member

Being pyschologically flexible (practice ACT)

Being helpful to others who want to be psychologically

flexible (help others practice ACT)

...... my draft ones are SO very different and that's the reason I

asked the question ,.... because mine are different.

eg.

Leisure -

Don't let fear of unknown or lack of confidence stop me from doing

any craft or hobby.

Personal growth -

Do things to replace my lost memories

Keep up the incredible exercise and diet regime

etc

I've got more but there are some of them.

I'd love it if there could be discussion on this topic since it's

one of the core principles

Thanks

iolanda

-- Smile – it increases your face value!!! ;-)

[Guest guest]

Iolanda - A good valuing exercise is to think about what you would want said at your own funeral by the people closest to you. Assume the statements would be stated as "Iolanda was a ___________ person, family member, etc. Then change the tense of those statements to the present such as I value being a _________ person. Notice that all of my values started with "I value being."

Try rethinking the values you listed with this concept in mind. Another good way to get at your basic values is to keep asking yourself why. For instance, "why to I want to "Keep up the incredible exercise and diet regime?""At some point you will get to the bottom of what you want your life direction to be.

Bill

To: ACT_for_the_Public From: cyberfriend@...Date: Fri, 28 Jan 2011 23:23:35 +1100Subject: Examples of values - wording especially

Values are leading principles that clarify what's important to you (from Happiness Trap p. 186 & 253)The only person that's replied is Bill

Here are a few of my values, in no particular order :

These define the direction I want my life to take.

Being a loving son

Being a loving husband

Being a loving father and grandfather

Being a responsible community member

Being pyschologically flexible (practice ACT)

Being helpful to others who want to be psychologically flexible (help others practice ACT)..... my draft ones are SO very different and that's the reason I asked the question ,.... because mine are different.eg. Leisure -Don't let fear of unknown or lack of confidence stop me from doing any craft or hobby.Personal growth -Do things to replace my lost memoriesKeep up the incredible exercise and diet regimeetcI've got more but there are some of them. I'd love it if there could be discussion on this topic since it's one of the core principles Thanksiolanda-- Smile – it increases your face value!!! ;-)

[Guest guest]

It may be worth noting that values can almost always be said in one or two words.So if you look at Bill’s post Being a loving sonBeing a loving husbandBeing a loving father and grandfatherBeing a responsible community memberBeing pyschologically flexible (practice ACT)Being helpful to others who want to be psychologically flexible (help others practice ACT) The values are ‘being loving’ and ‘responsibility’ and ‘being helpful’ and ‘psychological flexibility’. And if you look at ’s post below, the values are ‘supportiveness’, ‘playfulness’, ‘conscientiousness’, ‘contribution’, and ‘self-care’. If you’re using more than one or two words, you’re adding extra information, probably about goals, or areas of life  where you want to live by these values, or ways of acting on them. Nothing wrong with that – it’s very useful – just hoping this helps get to the crux of values. All the best,Cheers, Russ www.actmindfully.com.auwww.thehappinesstrap.com From: ACT_for_the_Public [mailto:ACT_for_the_Public ] On Behalf Of RobsonSent: Saturday, 29 January 2011 12:20 AMTo: ACT_for_the_Public Subject: Re: Examples of values - wording especially Happy to share.I have a long list of values written in pencil in my copy of the Happiness Trap - I usually have 3 or 4 that I have in the front of my mind at any one time, and make sure I have goals to go with them. But I rotate them with others, as and when I feel like it. So these all change (except the first one). The goals do change, of course.(1) I value being a supporting and playful dad.Goals: To continue learning about his developmental problems, and the support available to him; to talk with his teachers every few weeks about his progress in school; to ensure our speech work at home is effective, by regularly consulting with speech therapists; to do something exciting every weekend with my son (this weekend, we are making " zombie cupcakes " .... don't ask!)(2) I value being a conscientious worker[My goals in this regard are very much around my work, so won't detail them](3) I value contributing to my communityGoals: to help my friend's campaign to be an elected councillor; to join the committee of the local resident's action group; to write letters to the local paper on issues that bug me.(4) I value " me " timeGoals: to spend up to an hour a day relaxing with a book, on the DS, playing scrabble online, or watching crap horror movies. xSubject: Examples of values - wording especiallyTo: ACT_for_the_Public Date: Friday, 28 January, 2011, 12:23 Values are leading principles that clarify what's important to you (from Happiness Trap p. 186 & 253)The only person that's replied is Bill Here are a few of my values, in no particular order : These define the direction I want my life to take.Being a loving sonBeing a loving husbandBeing a loving father and grandfatherBeing a responsible community memberBeing pyschologically flexible (practice ACT)Being helpful to others who want to be psychologically flexible (help others practice ACT)..... my draft ones are SO very different and that's the reason I asked the question ,.... because mine are different.eg. Leisure -Don't let fear of unknown or lack of confidence stop me from doing any craft or hobby.Personal growth -Do things to replace my lost memoriesKeep up the incredible exercise and diet regimeetcI've got more but there are some of them. I'd love it if there could be discussion on this topic since it's one of the core principles Thanksiolanda-- Smile – it increases your face value!!! ;-)

[Guest guest]

I suppose psychological flexibility will be the direction I'm pointed in but I'll ask anyway, do you have any specific advice, Russ, for those of us who suffer from OCD possibily with a special focus on ethical matters, responsibility, being honest, protecting others etc..

I know that looking at values is often offered as a solution here but for me it sometimes seems to be the problem. Many of my values are what get me into trouble and lead to anxiety. I don't think I want to give them up though and find new ones. The values don't seem to be the problem just me!

S.

Subject: Examples of values - wording especiallyTo: ACT_for_the_Public Date: Friday, 28 January, 2011, 12:23

Values are leading principles that clarify what's important to you (from Happiness Trap p. 186 & 253)The only person that's replied is Bill

Here are a few of my values, in no particular order :

These define the direction I want my life to take.

Being a loving son

Being a loving husband

Being a loving father and grandfather

Being a responsible community member

Being pyschologically flexible (practice ACT)

Being helpful to others who want to be psychologically flexible (help others practice ACT)

...... my draft ones are SO very different and that's the reason I asked the question ,.... because mine are different.eg. Leisure -Don't let fear of unknown or lack of confidence stop me from doing any craft or hobby.Personal growth -Do things to replace my lost memoriesKeep up the incredible exercise and diet regimeetcI've got more but there are some of them. I'd love it if there could be discussion on this topic since it's one of the core principles Thanksiolanda-- Smile – it increases your face value!!! ;-)

[Guest guest]

Hi. What do you mean that your values have been the root of your problems?I'm just remembering a previous post from someone clever: it is in the things that cause you anxiety that your true values can be found. Through avoidance techniques (literal, or indirectly through drink, narcotics etc etc), I think we can actually skirt round most of life's stressful events. I think many of us have done that, or are still doing it. So, why aren't we all happy with just doing the avoiding? We end up on these forums because we then realise by avoiding all these things, we are also avoiding what we value -- they can't be separated. Bummer!So maybe you can say a bit more about how your values are the source of some of your troubles? (Sorry if you've said it before -- I lose track!)

x

Subject: Examples of values - wording especiallyTo: ACT_for_the_Public Date: Friday, 28 January, 2011, 12:23

Values are leading principles that clarify what's important to you (from Happiness Trap p. 186 & 253)The only person that's replied is Bill

Here are a few of my values, in no particular order :

These define the direction I want my life to take.

Being a loving son

Being a loving husband

Being a loving father and grandfather

Being a responsible community member

Being pyschologically flexible (practice ACT)

Being helpful to others who want to be psychologically flexible (help others practice ACT)

...... my draft ones are SO very different and that's the reason I asked the question ,.... because mine are different.eg. Leisure -Don't let fear of unknown or lack of confidence stop me from doing any craft or hobby.Personal growth -Do things to replace my lost memoriesKeep up the incredible exercise and diet regimeetcI've got more but there are some of them. I'd love it if there could be discussion on this topic since it's one of the core principles Thanksiolanda-- Smile – it increases your face value!!! ;-)

[Guest guest]

>

> It may be worth noting that values can almost always

> be said in one or two words.

Russ,

I actually think that for most of us on this list,

going further in the direction of abstraction without

context is not a helpful exercise. It is too easy

to turn it into a paper exercise.

What might capture some of the flavor of valuing?

Some folks on this list have been asking specifically

for easy-to-understand examples of values. I think

better still would be examples of valuing as a behavior,

as a choice, with all the messy context involved.

Think of Viktor l in the prison camp. Not one

or two words but a choice in context. It's a start.

- Randy

[Guest guest]

I value honesty, for example, and obsess hugely about not being authentic. I value caring and worry myself silly about failing people. What if I hit someone coming out of a side road and kill them? What if I see someone self-destructing and do nothing about it.

The list goes on and on.....

I don't think I would say values are the root of my problems but they are the areas that my OCD attaches itself to, probably the case for most people with OCD. Those who fear contamination want to protect themselves or others from becoming sick, which sounds like caring, a reasonable value.

I suppose it's about overvaluing one's responsibility and the way you react to those values you hold dear.

S.

Subject: Examples of values - wording especiallyTo: ACT_for_the_Public Date: Friday, 28 January, 2011, 12:23

Values are leading principles that clarify what's important to you (from Happiness Trap p. 186 & 253)The only person that's replied is Bill

Here are a few of my values, in no particular order :

These define the direction I want my life to take.

Being a loving son

Being a loving husband

Being a loving father and grandfather

Being a responsible community member

Being pyschologically flexible (practice ACT)

Being helpful to others who want to be psychologically flexible (help others practice ACT)

...... my draft ones are SO very different and that's the reason I asked the question ,.... because mine are different.eg. Leisure -Don't let fear of unknown or lack of confidence stop me from doing any craft or hobby.Personal growth -Do things to replace my lost memoriesKeep up the incredible exercise and diet regimeetcI've got more but there are some of them. I'd love it if there could be discussion on this topic since it's one of the core principles Thanksiolanda-- Smile – it increases your face value!!! ;-)

[Guest guest]

Aren't these approaches complementary? Short headings which help you see things more clearly and then look at different contexts where you can practise loving, for example?

I know that I often get caught up in detail so I have several very short key words that are particulary helpful for me. Sometimes even more helpful is a picture to jog my memory. One I downloaded and printed out is a picture that reminds me of the problem "When you can't see the wood for the trees"

Just a thought.

S.

Subject: Re: Examples of values - wording especiallyTo: ACT_for_the_Public Date: Friday, 28 January, 2011, 23:45

>> It may be worth noting that values can almost always > be said in one or two words.Russ,I actually think that for most of us on this list, going further in the direction of abstraction withoutcontext is not a helpful exercise. It is too easy to turn it into a paper exercise. What might capture some of the flavor of valuing?Some folks on this list have been asking specificallyfor easy-to-understand examples of values. I think better still would be examples of valuing as a behavior, as a choice, with all the messy context involved.Think of Viktor l in the prison camp. Not oneor two words but a choice in context. It's a

start.- Randy

[Guest guest]

Thanks for that. Like I was saying, I think it's "normal" (I can't think of the right word!!!) for our various anxieties to target our values. If we didn't hold these things dear, there'd be nothing to feel anxious about.Not sure if that makes sense.... it's late here in UK.... to bed! x Subject: Examples of values - wording especiallyTo: ACT_for_the_Public Date: Friday, 28 January, 2011, 12:23

Values are leading principles that clarify what's important to you (from Happiness Trap p. 186 & 253)The only person that's replied is Bill

Here are a few of my values, in no particular order :

These define the direction I want my life to take.

Being a loving son

Being a loving husband

Being a loving father and grandfather

Being a responsible community member

Being pyschologically flexible (practice ACT)

Being helpful to others who want to be psychologically flexible (help others practice ACT)

...... my draft ones are SO very different and that's the reason I asked the question ,.... because mine are different.eg. Leisure -Don't let fear of unknown or lack of confidence stop me from doing any craft or hobby.Personal growth -Do things to replace my lost memoriesKeep up the incredible exercise and diet regimeetcI've got more but there are some of them. I'd love it if there could be discussion on this topic since it's one of the core principles Thanksiolanda-- Smile – it increases your face value!!! ;-)

[Guest guest]

Subject: Examples of

values - wording especiallyTo: ACT_for_the_Public Date: Friday, 28 January, 2011, 12:23 Values are leading principles that clarify what's important to you (from Happiness Trap p. 186 & 253)The only person that's replied is Bill Here are a few of my values, in no particular order : These define the direction I want my life to take.Being a loving sonBeing a loving husbandBeing a loving father and grandfatherBeing a responsible community memberBeing pyschologically flexible (practice ACT)Being helpful to others who want to be psychologically flexible (help others practice ACT)..... my draft ones are SO very different and that's the reason I asked the question ,.... because mine are different.eg. Leisure -Don't let fear of unknown or lack of confidence stop me

from doing any craft or hobby.Personal growth -Do things to replace my lost memoriesKeep up the incredible exercise and diet regimeetcI've got more but there are some of them. I'd love it if there could be discussion on this topic since it's one of the core principles Thanksiolanda-- Smile – it increases your face value!!! ;-)

[Guest guest]

>

> Aren't these approaches complementary? Short headings which

> help you see things more clearly and then look at different

> contexts where you can practise loving, for example . . .

> Sometimes even more helpful is a picture to jog my memory.

Hi Soozy,

I agree, short phrases or pictures or almost anything

can be helpful as reminders. I myself sometimes think

of a line of dialog from a scene in a movie ( " The

Year of Living Dangerously " ) that carries meaning for

me even though it might not mean much to other folks.

What I'm talking about is how we get to the point of

opening up to and engaging in valuing as a behavior,

especially when there is a history of suffering

and even the very mention of values can produce fusion.

If making lists of nice qualities were all it took,

there would be no need for ACT.

- Randy

[Guest guest]

Hi Randy,

Well, maybe the step from fusing with values to behaving is setting small behavioural goals which I think Russ suggested was OK?

I'm a fine one to talk I know as I do obsess about values but i do also try to look for simple ways of living those values. More importantly I try to acknowledge things that I have done that fit in with those values when I can rather than beat myself up for not doing enough.

At the same time I have to aim to keep my goals small as I can easily spend hours listing what I mean to do in order to have a sense of control when actually just doing one small worthwhile thing in the morning can set me right for the day;-)

S.

Subject: Re: Examples of values - wording especiallyTo: ACT_for_the_Public Date: Saturday, 29 January, 2011, 0:18

>> Aren't these approaches complementary? Short headings which > help you see things more clearly and then look at different > contexts where you can practise loving, for example . . .> Sometimes even more helpful is a picture to jog my memory. Hi Soozy,I agree, short phrases or pictures or almost anything can be helpful as reminders. I myself sometimes thinkof a line of dialog from a scene in a movie ("TheYear of Living Dangerously") that carries meaning forme even though it might not mean much to other folks.What I'm talking about is how we get to the point ofopening up to and engaging in valuing as a behavior, especially

when there is a history of sufferingand even the very mention of values can produce fusion.If making lists of nice qualities were all it took, there would be no need for ACT. - Randy

[Guest guest]

Hi Randy,I think you may have misunderstood my intention. I’m not trying to abstract things – just to simplify them. Basically, a value is a desired quality of ongoing action; it’s how you want to behave on an ongoing basis. So if I recognise ‘being loving’ as one of my values, that’s a great start; now I can choose to apply that quality, anytime and anyplace, to any role or domain of life or activity or event in which I consider it to be helpful. There is no right or wrong way of doing values clarification, but I have found it is easier for many people to start with naming desired qualities of action in just one or two words - and from that starting point, to then elaborate about the roles/events/activities to which they want to live by that value. I find this especially so when people are struggling with the difference between values and things such as morals, ethics, codes of conduct, rules of how to live your life, desires, needs, wants, and goals. The value can be stated in one or two words – the other things generally require lots of words.A classic case of where this happens is when someone says ‘I want to be an excellent parent’. Seems like a value, but is it really? To get to the values, we need to ask ‘What are the qualities of an excellent parent?’ Suppose they answer, ‘Being loving, compassionate, loyal, honest, and responsible’. Okay, now we’re at the values.I agree absolutely with you that ‘making lists of nice qualities’ is not all it takes – however it is a valid and useful starting point (for many people) for clarifying values. For example, many ACT practitioners use packs of values cards to help people: each card has a value printed on it - usually just one word, but sometimes two or three - and the client is asked to sort the pack into groups of least and most important. Now that’s not enough to get people living by their values, but it’s a useful starting point.Personally, I have four core values that lie underneath all my others: caring, connection, curiosity and contribution. I can’t think of a domain of life, a role I play, or an activity I do, where I wouldn’t want to be living by some or all of these values. (That’s not to say I manage – just that it’s my intention). And I can’t think of any goal that I am consciously pursuing in my life right now that is not guided by most or all of them. Many people find it useful to have 3 or 4 key words that they can quickly recall when they want to get in touch with their most important values; these are my 4, and it’s part of my morning ritual to run through them in my head and make a commitment to bring them into play during the day. So if anyone wants an example of how I word my values, well, you’ve already seen it: caring, connection, curiosity and contribution. That’s the basics. I call them the 4 Cs. Of course, I have lots of other values, but they all grow from the soil of the 4 Cs. And any time I’m struggling, in any area of life, that’s what I come back to. And then from there I move into goals and action. All the best,Cheers, Russ www.actmindfully.com.auwww.thehappinesstrap.com From: ACT_for_the_Public [mailto:ACT_for_the_Public ] On Behalf Of RandySent: Saturday, 29 January 2011 11:19 AMTo: ACT_for_the_Public Subject: Re: Examples of values - wording especially >> Aren't these approaches complementary? Short headings which > help you see things more clearly and then look at different > contexts where you can practise loving, for example . . .> Sometimes even more helpful is a picture to jog my memory. Hi Soozy,I agree, short phrases or pictures or almost anything can be helpful as reminders. I myself sometimes thinkof a line of dialog from a scene in a movie ( " TheYear of Living Dangerously " ) that carries meaning forme even though it might not mean much to other folks.What I'm talking about is how we get to the point ofopening up to and engaging in valuing as a behavior, especially when there is a history of sufferingand even the very mention of values can produce fusion.If making lists of nice qualities were all it took, there would be no need for ACT. - Randy