Re: How to use ACT for guilt?

[Guest guest]

Hi - ACCEPTANCE is probably a better ACT process to use with these feelings. DEFUSION is a process of making light of unuseful thoughts. Your feelings about hitting your daughter are normal and the fact that you hit her is normal. You had to to protect the baby. So make room for the feelings; learn a little from them and give your daughter a big hug and tell her your are sorry while explaining what happened - both about protecting the baby and how you feel about hitting her. I've made many mistatkes as a father of four and a grandfather of thirteen, including spanking (kids, not grandkids). The kids have always appreciated these times of humility. What you did was very understandable to me. Be kind to yourself luveBEaSAHM.

Bill

> To: ACT_for_the_Public > Date: Fri, 3 Dec 2010 19:31:00 +0000> Subject: How to use ACT for guilt?> > I have been having a hard time with guilt lately. I know I feel it to the extreme, I'm normally able to accept the feelings and move on because I know they are not even warranted feelings of guilt just depression trying to get the best of me.> > One of my values is to be a patient, loving, attentive parent. That has always been a core value of mine. I practice a philosophy called Attachment Parenting and one of the main beliefs is to NOT spank. I've been having a lot of marital problems and yesterday we had a huge fight. My very spirited little girl was being very rambunctious and jumping around the baby while I was nursing him. Landing on his head once. I could feel my pressure rising. I asked her numerous times to go back to bed. I raised my voice, she knew I couldn't get up because the baby was falling asleep so she just kept going and going and then I did it. I hit her. My God, I feel like the most horrible person in the world. I feel like I'm an abuser, that I should be punished. I'm having a hard time defusing from these thoughts because I really feel what I did was very wrong, although logically I know I'm not an abuser or need to be punished. Can you defuse from thoughts that you feel are true but are of no use to you?> > > > > > > ------------------------------------> > For other ACT materials and list serves see www.contextualpsychology.org> > If you do not wish to belong to ACT_for_the_Public, you may > unsubscribe by sending an email to > ACT_for_the_Public-unsubscribe@...! Groups Links> > <*> To visit your group on the web, go to:> http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ACT_for_the_Public/> > <*> Your email settings:> Individual Email | Traditional> > <*> To change settings online go to:> http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ACT_for_the_Public/join> (Yahoo! ID required)> > <*> To change settings via email:> ACT_for_the_Public-digest > ACT_for_the_Public-fullfeatured > > <*>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Kids love to play up whilst you are nursing - they know that your hands are tied- and they want your attention. They want you all to themselves - not sharing you. This is normal sibling behavior . Your reaction, whilst under stress is also understandable - we've all lost the plot with our kids on occassions. Heck - they can really wind us up! The important thing is to take a step back and take a deep breath and give yourself a little TLC - ( whilst I type this my daughter is trying to take close up photos of me arrrggggg!) Ok, you behaved in a way you didn't like (join the club!) If I were you I would talk to your daughter and ask her to give you some space whilst you are nursing -that you love her and will play with her after. That's what she is after is my guess.

Defuse from all the 'terrible parent' rubbish that we all have from time to time. It won't help you or your daughter to have a guilt ridden mother. Remember to be a good parent you have to be a good parent to yourself first - and that means not beating yourself up as you try to juggle many different demands. Good luck.

Simone

To: ACT_for_the_Public Sent: Fri, 3 December, 2010 19:31:00Subject: How to use ACT for guilt?

I have been having a hard time with guilt lately. I know I feel it to the extreme, I'm normally able to accept the feelings and move on because I know they are not even warranted feelings of guilt just depression trying to get the best of me.One of my values is to be a patient, loving, attentive parent. That has always been a core value of mine. I practice a philosophy called Attachment Parenting and one of the main beliefs is to NOT spank. I've been having a lot of marital problems and yesterday we had a huge fight. My very spirited little girl was being very rambunctious and jumping around the baby while I was nursing him. Landing on his head once. I could feel my pressure rising. I asked her numerous times to go back to bed. I raised my voice, she knew I couldn't get up because the baby was falling asleep so she just kept going and going and then I did it. I hit her. My God, I feel like the most horrible person in the world. I feel like I'm

an abuser, that I should be punished. I'm having a hard time defusing from these thoughts because I really feel what I did was very wrong, although logically I know I'm not an abuser or need to be punished. Can you defuse from thoughts that you feel are true but are of no use to you?

[Guest guest]

Thank you so much everyone. I'm working on accepting the guilt. Acceptance is

a process though so I don't expect it to happen just because i want it to. I'm

not drowning in it as much as yesterday though. I've been giving her lots of

loving and I totally took it way harder than her. I asked her how she felt

about what happened and she said I hurt her feelings because I yelled at her.

LOL I guess the smackaroo effected me a million times more than it effect her.

Thank you for the personal experiences, I don't feel so alone or horrible.

Helena your right, I am human. Human first, mother second. I can't be a

perfect Mother but I can learn from my mistakes.

.

[Guest guest]

I've swatted my kids a few times in my lifetoo and I still feel guilty about it (I don't thinkany of them remember but that is not the point).I have four kids, from 41 to 5 and I remember every single swat

My wife and I often talk about how hard it is tokeep your emotional balance with kids.It's amazing there isn't more hitting than there is.Guilt is mostly helpful if you handle it right ...its just a sense you did something you do not want to do.

Not a bad emotion -- painful tho it is -- any more than painfrom putting your fingers in a door jam is a bad emotion.Shame is something else. Shame is guilt plus fusion with " I'm bad. "

Shame is toxic ... but it is toxic because of the fusion.If you are literally bad, you feel hugely disempowered.After all what can once expect from a bad person.Fusion with " I'm bad " as a way of motivating behavior

change  is like cutting off your legs at the knees andthen expecting yourself to run fast.My suggestion -- focus on the fusion w/ " I'm bad. " Posting this message was a huge defusion move, BTW,

so you have the right instincts (and I'd bet youare already sensing the benefits). Take the nextsteps: wear your " I'm a bad mom " T-shirts etc etc.The group can help you come up with ideas

- S C. Foundation ProfessorDepartment of Psychology /298University of NevadaReno, NV 89557-0062 " Love isn't everything, it's the only thing "

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>> I have been having a hard time with guilt lately. I know I feel it to the extreme, I'm normally able to accept the feelings and move on because I know they are not even warranted feelings of guilt just depression trying to get the best of me.

> > One of my values is to be a patient, loving, attentive parent. That has always been a core value of mine. I practice a philosophy called Attachment Parenting and one of the main beliefs is to NOT spank. I've been having a lot of marital problems and yesterday we had a huge fight. My very spirited little girl was being very rambunctious and jumping around the baby while I was nursing him. Landing on his head once. I could feel my pressure rising. I asked her numerous times to go back to bed. I raised my voice, she knew I couldn't get up

because the baby was falling asleep so she just kept going and going and then I did it. I hit her. My God, I feel like the most horrible person in the world. I feel like I'm an abuser, that I should be punished. I'm having a hard time defusing from these thoughts because I really feel what I did was very wrong, although logically I know I'm not an abuser or need to be punished. Can you defuse from thoughts that you feel are true but are of no use to you?

>

[Guest guest]

I love how Steve reminds that even posting about an uncomfortable eventis a huge

defusion move. I forgot that!It seems there remains some mythology out there or

mis-information as to what defusion entails.

,

It's not just about getting silly and certainly not about mocking yourself.

It's a loving act of reminding yourself you are not your thoughts, your

mistakes, your regrets, or any of that hooey.

You are much larger than that. Loosening up that tight attachment to self as

content, so you don't over-identify with it and move into shame. It's a way of

taking a deep breath and creating wiggle room for yourself to come up with

creative options.

It's also O.K. to have some natural regret and feel sadness if you feel you fell

off your values. Allow yourself a good cry over what you did and allow whatever

else comes up.

But yes, defusion really helps move away from shame. I was at an ACT training

and we all wore badges about something our minds insisted we were (something we

felt embarrassed or uncomfortable or even ashamed about ourselves, something

that were willing to share). And proceeded to walk around during break with this

on our chest, without uttering a word. Amazing defusion exercise. So freeing! I

noticed a few " I'm a bad mother " stickies and I also noticed folks seemed

lighter after the exercise. I sure was.

And remember your values are something you can return to at any moment. If you

think this might happen again and you don't want it to, try to make a plan ahead

of time of some other options as to how you will respond. Keep the list of

options handy and add or subtract to it. Get creative.

If possible, don't have your daughter in the same room while you are nursing.

Think of ways to be with your daughter when the baby is asleep so she feels

attended to as well.

Forgive yourself for being human and imperfect and allow yourself to

compassionately return to the mother you want to be.

Just some suggestions.

Go gentle and thanks for being brave enough to share your pain.

With you,

Terry

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> > >

> > > I have been having a hard time with guilt lately. I know I feel it to the

> > extreme, I'm normally able to accept the feelings and move on because I know

> > they are not even warranted feelings of guilt just depression trying to get

> > the best of me.

> > >

> > > One of my values is to be a patient, loving, attentive parent. That has

> > always been a core value of mine. I practice a philosophy called Attachment

> > Parenting and one of the main beliefs is to NOT spank. I've been having a

> > lot of marital problems and yesterday we had a huge fight. My very spirited

> > little girl was being very rambunctious and jumping around the baby while I

> > was nursing him. Landing on his head once. I could feel my pressure rising.

> > I asked her numerous times to go back to bed. I raised my voice, she knew I

> > couldn't get up because the baby was falling asleep so she just kept going

> > and going and then I did it. I hit her. My God, I feel like the most

> > horrible person in the world. I feel like I'm an abuser, that I should be

> > punished. I'm having a hard time defusing from these thoughts because I

> > really feel what I did was very wrong, although logically I know I'm not an

> > abuser or need to be punished. Can you defuse from thoughts that you feel

> > are true but are of no use to you?

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>