Re: caring for Dizz while MIL vacations Digest Number 3102

[Guest guest]

Hi Tori,

This does sound like a bind. I have four alternatives in mind:

(1) I guess you and your husband have already agreed to care for Dizz for

the 2-weeks your MIL will be gone....? Can you say that you'll do this

under some conditions? The conditions could include that you be allowed to

hire a part-time caregiver (that Dizz/MIL would pay for....or your SIL/BIL

would pay for) for the full 2 weeks and that you be allowed to take Dizz to

the doctor to find out if he has a UTI (how heartless of your MIL to say

that there's no time to check Dizz for a UTI!) or for anything else you

deem necessary.

(2) Place Dizz in an assisted living facility (or skilled nursing facility,

depending on his limitations and the rules of the state you live in - AZ?)

for 2 weeks of respite care. (This is a very common thing for AL or SN

facilities to do.) Ideally, place him in a facility near you so that you

can visit and monitor. Second choice would be to place him in a facility

near his house. Maybe your SIL/BIL could go visit for a few days. (After

all, weren't they going to spend a day going to get him and bringing him

back.) Or, worst case, you could go visit for a few days. Third choice

would be to fly him to your SIL/BIL's and put him in AL there.

(3) What do you think about Dizz travelling to your SIL/BIL's house? If

you think that's do-able, will your (or your husband's) opinion count for

anything in a discussion about this? Travel can be very difficult on our

LOs. They are more fragile than we realize. But with sufficient help and

planning, this can be done. (Email me separately if you want my advice

about how to do this. I'm not taking the time to put my suggestions here

because I'm thinking that you are OK with the decision not to have Dizz

travel.)

(4) Tell your MIL that you are sorry but this was going to work out when

everyone was sharing the load but now since the load can't be shared you

and your family aren't willing to assume 100% of the load and she'll need

to cancel her trip. You are not being selfish.

Robin

>5. Hello My Friends!

> Posted by: " ceemeebehapy " ceemeebehapy@... ceemeebehapy

> Date: Wed Jun 28, 2006 3:14 pm (PDT)

>

>I find myself in need of encouragement. I feel that I always take

>from you guys and never give back. Take, take, take, but never give

>back.

>

>I'm a bit in the downey dumps today. We just got back from caring

>for Dizz while MIL was back East for a 50 year class reunion. We

>moved in the Dyslins house as our house is full! She was gone for 5

>days. It was great to be there for Dizz but too it was exhausting.

>Not just caring for him but trying to meet my family's needs as

>well. Just to note, Bekah has been limping on her right foot, the

>one that had the most surgery last summer. No one can figure out

>why, so now we have to set up a bunch of appts in Phoenix to find

>out what's up.

>

>Dizz is having trouble operating the artificial sphinxter, so I had

>to go in with him everytime he goes potty. He is up at night almost

>every hour complaining of pain or pressure. I suggested to MIL to

>have him checked for a UTI but she says we don't have time because

>she leaves again on July 12th for the second half of her reunion. I

>asked if she trusted me taking Dad by myself to visit the doctor but

>she said the doctor wouldn't like it. I said I didn't care about

>the blasted doctor's feelings, I care about Dad. She said she'd

>think about it. I also think they need to see if they can keep

>that " valve " open for more than 10 seconds at a time to release the

>urine so that we don't have to press it 85 times in one sitting. I

>hope you all understand this. Anyway, it was very tiring and in two

>weeks we get to do it again. Whcich leads me to another problem.

>However, I foresaw this coming.

>

>During our family meeting back in April, we encouraged MIL to go on

>these trips and not to worry cause we'd, the kids, would take of

>Dad. and I were to cover the first trip, now completed, and my

>SIL and her husband were going to cover this next 2 week trip in

>July. The plan was that SIL would come here get Dad and fly back to

>their home in Santee, California where they would care for Pop

>there. Well it seems that MIL and SIL feel that that is not a good

>plan for Dad. The problem is that SIL and BIL wouldn't be able to

>come here to care for him either. So my family will have to move in

>to the Dyslin's again for the two-weeks that MIL is gone.

>

>Now I know this may sound heartless on my part, as you all know that

>I love Dizz to distraction and would do anything to make sure his

>needs are met. But on the other hand I have a responsibility to my

>family as well. Two-weeks would really put a hurting on that. Not

>to mention put me over the edge. Am I being selfish? I mean, when

>I think of what some of you have to do to care for your LO's I feel

>extremely selfish by even suggesting that it's too much for me. But

>I'm not dillusional either, I know my limits. And I realize too that

>I can't sacrifice my family for this either.

>

>I'm stuck my friends. I could use your prayers and positive thoughts.

>

>I love Dizz very much and don't want him to suffer in any way. Oh

>what to do, what to do?

>

>Tori

>FIL dx 1/06, saw signs since 2004, kidney failure 2/06, NH for rehab

>3/06, kicked out by insurance 3/06, diabetic, history of prostate

>cancer, artificial sphinxter implanted (valve needs to be pinched to

>release urine)