I started a huge forest fire, blazing as I type

[Guest guest]

I went camping for six days. Intent was for it to be a

spiritual/introspective/soul searching time. Did about 25

worksheets, along with another workbook on sexuality and money. Was

a long way from main trail, felt comfortable getting naked. Wore no

clothes except boots for five days. Found a very sweet spot by a

stream, lay on towel, cool breezes, butterflies, inch worms. Heaven.

The morning I was leaving, I burned the worksheets and some other

papers. I felt certain I had put the fire out adequately.

Put on my pack, and hiked down mountain, feeling oh so good. Had no

idea where next I would live/work, but was just very into a big YES

for what next would be my path.

I did not know my YES was about to be so tested.

I guess the fire was smoldering underground, and, well to make a

long story shorter, a fire broke out.

At this time it has been declared a state emergency. The local paper

said the governor has okay'd at least 8.5 million dollars to fight

it. This fire started about 5 miles from the beloved remote small

town of Stehekin, WA, where I lived/worked three months just before

my camping trip. And where I've lived a few times before, including

a two year period about five years ago.

I immediately (well almost, I did go off trail for awhile to calm

down, and thought about running and hiding out, and denying being at

fault), went to the ranger station upon returning to Stehekin, and

let them know I was responsible. By then planes had been flying

over the area, so the fire was known.

Over the next three days I was interviewed by park and county law

enforcement officers, who both read me my miranda rights. Also by a

fire investigator.

They have decided to press charges, and I'll be going to court about

this in a month or two.

The fire has been moving towards Stehekin. Unfortunately there are

other fires around that area in Washington, as well as some other

major ones in Oregon and California. So resources are limited.

Stehekin might burn up. There are about 100 year round residents

there, most of whom I know. Word got out while I was still there and

it's my understanding nearly everyone knows I started it.

Before I left I met with about six valley residents, and told them I

was responsible and very sorry. I got such loving responses, such as

the one guy who said, ', there but for the grace of God go I.'

And 'Oh, that's too bad.' I plan on returning to Stehekin (if it

doesn't burn up) and holding a meeting in the community center,

where I will apologize to everyone, and allow them to voice their

thoughts, feelings, rage, whatever the feel like doing.

Many of the people in the valley rely on visitors for their income.

would not see any problem with any of this. Some of the time I

don't either. But now and then fear-based thoughts arise. Often I

investigate them, rather than let them grow. Sometimes I feel like

dancing. Not because of the fire, but because I feel a lightness,

joy, freedom. Sometimes I let myself dance. Sometimes guilt tells

me it's wrong to feel that way.

This morning I came across the saying, 'If you knew you could not

fail, what would you attempt?' My first thought was 'Make this all

go away.' But that didn't feel right, and I realized no, my answer

to that question was 'Love.'

Love life. Love what is. Love life and you will live abundantly. I

think it says something like that in the bible.

It makes soooo much sense. If I don't love life, I'm pushing it

away, shutting down from it. And then I won't experience life. I

will be lifeless. Dead.

I keep saying yes. The town might burn down. Fire fighters might get

hurt or killed. Townsfolk might hunt me down and string me up. I say

yes. Yes to it all. Yes to my future court appearances. Yes to

what the judge decides. Yes. Yes. Yes.

While still in the area, I came across another saying -

People are like stained glass windows. When the suns out, they

sparkle and shine. But when darkness comes, it is the inner light

which brings out their true beauty.

Darkness, in a sense, is my world right now. And yet some inner

light is shining so much, it lights up the world around me in a new

way.

I should not have burned those papers. asks me, 'Where is your

proof?'

It's bad that there is a fire. 'Where is your proof?'

I am bad. Irresponsible. Awful. 'Where is your proof?'

I will never forgive myself. Others will never forgive me. 'Where is

your proof?'

Two nights after the fire started, I walked down to the lakeshore,

and looked downlake. The mountainsides looked like soft black

velvet. There were tiny, red, glowing spots. It was beautiful.

The lake is the third deepest lake in the u.s. Very cold due to the

depth and being fed by glacier melt. A person would die of

hypothermia in a short while. Yet still, the lake is beautiful.

I look at the tally board, where my problems are tallied. It still

reads zero.

I love what is. Reality. Life.

I say 'yes'