Re: ever be normal again?

[Guest guest]

Is it possible to suffer from PTSD

after this ordeal? It may seem a bit dramatic, but it was a very

traumatic experience for me. When you're on something that tells you

to kill yourself for 4 months, wouldn't you be a little messed up

afterwards?

It's why I have PTSD -- I couldn't function at all after getting off Paxil. I was suicidal, homicidal, completely deranged with auditory and visual hallucinations telling me to kill myself in the bloodiest way possible -- by sticking a butcher knife in my heart or slicing my throat. I couldn't even take a bath for years because I would have fantasies about Roman suicide, sitting in a warm bath and cutting my wrists and watching the tub water turn blood red. Sometimes just taking a shower post-Paxil was traumatic because I would see blood everywhere, running down the drain, coming out of the faucet. I had nightmares so bloody and gory that I now have nightmares about the nightmares. I couldn't tell if they were real or a dream. For years I was convinced that I had murdered someone and couldn't remember the details. Of course that's absurd, but that's how real my dreams were. Although I am much better than I was, I'm still disabled and trying to put my life back together again. I still have days that just bring me to my knees when I remember what I went through, or when I have flashbacks, or weird movies in my head. You're not alone. Trust me. And a lot of people won't tell you what went on in their head for fear of being locked up. I always talk about how awful my thoughts were, and learned that way that I wasn't alone, that others had the very same thoughts they were just afraid to express them for fear that they were insane.

"Blind Reason"

a novel of pharmaceutical intrigue

Think your antidepressant is safe? Think again. It's

Unsafe At Any Dose

[Guest guest]

> It's why I have PTSD -- I couldn't function at all after getting

off Paxil.

> I was suicidal, homicidal, completely deranged with auditory and

visual

> hallucinations telling me to kill myself in the bloodiest way

possible -- by

> sticking a butcher knife in my heart or slicing my throat. I

couldn't even take a

> bath for years because I would have fantasies about Roman suicide,

sitting in a

> warm bath and cutting my wrists and watching the tub water turn

blood red.

*** There was once a logo that looked like GSK's on tv and I started

hyperventilated and visibly shaking within seconds of seeing it.

*laughs* I didnt function on Seroxat or Efexor,didnt bother getting

dressed most days on it because I couldnt remember how. And I did my

last compulsary exams of school in the middle of withdrawal,

watching the words dance and jump all over the page. And I still got

mostly A*'s and A's, I was amazed to even sit the exams! I still

have auditory hallucinations at times, and I NEVER had these before.

I had

> nightmares so bloody and gory that I now have nightmares about the

nightmares. I

> couldn't tell if they were real or a dream. For years I was

convinced that I had

> murdered someone and couldn't remember the details. Of course

that's absurd,

> but that's how real my dreams were.

***This is so smilar to me its scary. I would have dreams about

people burning to death, or being mutilated in the most gruesome

ways. And in my dream, I killed my best friend. Because real life

seemed to have that unreal feel about it, I started to believe my

dreams were actually my real life. Everytime I went to sleep again,

they continued exactly where they had finished before. And yes, I

thought I had killed her, and started driving myself crazy with

guilt and believing I didnt deserve to live. When I spoke to her a

while after, I believed someone was pretending to be her to upset

me. I also used to frequently have dreams of paralysis, and wake up

and be unable to move for a few seconds after waking in panic. I

have never in my life experienced dreams so scary!

>I always talk about how awful my thoughts were, and learned

> that way that I wasn't alone, that others had the very same

thoughts they were

> just afraid to express them for fear that they were insane.

*** I think just learning that your side effects/feelings were quite

universal helps to deal with it. That it wasnt just you going crazy.

As I said previously, when I saw the second panorama after

withdrawing I cried for hours with relief. I'm still in my early

stages of recovery, but already there are remarkable differences.

Rebuilding your life isnt the easiest thing when the schools believe

the reason you burst into tears at everything and talked

to 'imaginary' people was because their work was too hard! It all

gets better, just takes time, courage, effort and lots of patience!

Peace, Love and Serenity,

Jeni

[Guest guest]

---Hi

It's OK, many of us have had these awful " visions " , I have been off

paxil for 2 years now and have just got of cipromil. I still get so

frightened by the images I saw when I was on and coming off of

paxil. Now, I am off I don't get them anymore, but I remember them

too often! And I am still very frightened by them. But I believe, it

is the drugs that altered out minds, I guess it is just a slow road

back. Be nice to yourself, with nuture and love you will make it.

Take care hun, we are all here for you.

Love

In Withdrawal_and_Recovery , " girl3900 "

<girl3900@y...> wrote:

> I know you can physically recover from these drugs but I'm

wondering

> if I'm emotionally scarred forever? I can't seem to forget the

> suicidal thoughts I had while on zoloft. They're no where near as

> intense as before but it's always in the back of my mind. I've been

> off them for a few months now so shouldn't I be back to being

myself

> again? It seems as if I get more depressed with each

day...something I

> never had to worry about before. Is it possible to suffer from PTSD

> after this ordeal? It may seem a bit dramatic, but it was a very

> traumatic experience for me. When you're on something that tells

you

> to kill yourself for 4 months, wouldn't you be a little messed up

> afterwards? I tried asking my therapist but he looked at me like I

was

> nuts. I've talked with some people online who dealt with side

effects

> but they seem to be all physical symptoms. I mainly had extreme

> anxiety, depression and intense/graphic suicidal thoughts I could

not

> control. If I could find just one other person who knew what I went

> through, I probobly wouldn't feel like i'm going crazy. I keep

> thinking i'm getting better but some days I just don't care about

> anything. I wasn't even depressed to begin with...