Into the wild

[Guest guest]

Hey guys,

Hope you're all having a nice weekend! I went to the woods and am

forever changed. Kidding, no it was awesome! I hiked deep into Smokey

Mountain National park. I hiked for a few hours passing people on

horse back or blokes just coming off the Appalachian trail after

months of hiking down from Maine to Tennessee(yeah,they looked tired),

a few stared at me funny because I had a back pack with a golf club

sticking out of it. That was weapon of rage and an old pillow as my

nada. As I walked down the winding path I found myself less concerned

with the nice people passing by or the beautiful stream that was

always by my side. I had been feeling this building rage that has

been going on for weeks possibly my whole life with her, I was just

aware of it know. I walked harder, scanning for my spot to lay the

beating down. I found the perfect place a few hundred yards off the

trail down in a berm. To get there was not easy; I had to cross a

rapid with rocks across it. I hopped from rock to rock some with moss

and such. I jumped on this very slick rock and lost my footing. I feel

in. The water was bitter as ice all the way up to my knees. The frigid

water woke me up, I laughed at how I had got myself into this. I

finally made my way in the berm. I thought of this rage that has been

beating me up for years, I had never stood up to her nor have I showed

her how angry I was for her taking up so many years of my life and

would be unknowingly stuck in her web. I thought of the beautiful

children and wife that I may have right now if I wasn't so fucked up!

Oh, I got mad! I showed her now how I felt. I beat the shit out of a

pillow for a half n'hour and screamed, no tears though. I looked

around then began my walk out. I felt like the popular saying of a 800

lbs. standing the chest; this was no more. On the way back I felt lost

because not one thing looked at was familiar, I didn't remember most

the beautiful stream on the way there. Then I realized the water falls

and yetes were right there the whole time, I just had not noticed them

because of my focus and contemplation. Knowing the road and walking

are two completely different things: I know that I have to be

assertive with people and do what’s best for me and not worry about

making sure everything is ok with everyone else or avoiding conflict.

Otherwise I'll carry those burdens and make a lot trips into the wild

to beat a pillow. I made phone calls once I out of the park, family,

friends. They noticed a great change in me; even though that didn't

know why I went into the woods. I think its confidence restored that’s

what they've noticed, I feel it all throughout my body. I feel like I

have the power to see through the fleas in my head, I know they're not

real.

My going out to the woods unlocked some pent up things.

I had a deep sleep last night and when I woke, I knew why I've been

suffering for so long with my self image. My mother crammed into my

head the idea that all dark haired people are stupid and evil. I know

this sounds ridiculous, but honestly since I was 4-5yrs. old, I can’t

remember a day going by without my mother saying “typical burnet

bitch, god their wicked†or something along that line. Both my brother

and sister are blond haired blue I eyed folks; my mother is also. My

father and I have dark features. After my father left, it grew worse.

My sister, Aunt Joan and my father were individuals that nada was

always at odds with. My mother always acknowledged that fact that my

sister was smart but she was evil to nada so she doesn’t count in the

burnet category. My Dad and Aunt Joan however both have dark hair and

she will grind her teeth and rage at those two people until the day

she dies. Since, they both people headed for the hills, who was left?

Me. She loved me ancestrally and I was the only that stayed but she

made sure that I would feel her wrath and never leave her. I always

felt different. I would ask my mom as a boy “if dark haired people are

stupid and ugly than what am I?†she’d remark that “you are different

because you are mine and your hair is not burnet it’s brown.†What

the hell is that? Other times, she would yell at me, saying that I was

going to grow to be fucking loser or do I want everybody in class

saying dahhhh! is fucking retarded. I was in third grade. A few

years back I read about the brown eyes blue eyes experiment, this did

effect how well children did in academics, social situations etc.. The

ones that believed they were dominant terrorized the other demographic

beating them up and had expectations to be rewarded on appearance

only. The others fell by the wayside. My confidence fell by the

wayside. My brother or sister never felt superior, they have always

encouraged me, and they just had this confidence that I didn’t. Nada

would introduce me as her youngest and “the shy oneâ€. But I grew up

with the notion that my sister was evil and my brother was my hero.

Not good childhood roles. So I was given the sentiment that they were

superior in a passive aggressive way (which is the worst for a KO) I

felt stupid and wouldn’t feel good lookn’ or well dressed until she

said so. My brother-n-law grew and I grew out or facial hair for a

clean shave the morning of his wedding and my mother told me I looked

like a homeless person. I never thought of this before because I

thought every child goes through this tuff love stuff (making excuses

for her).I’d spend entire summers indoors because my self imagine

plummeted so low because I felt so inadequate among my very popular

friends. My mother would make excuses for this and say that “I’m the

sensitive one of the family and that I suffer from a bout of

depression.†No this dynamic was really messed up and will take years

for me to realize my full potential. My voice was never heard because

of my low self-worth, I’m awakening. This realization is next week’s

therapy.

Thanks for being there,