Re: How to spot A borderline????

[Guest guest]

I kind of repel borderlines. I don't acknowledge them or their

dramas. Have had a couple try to come into my life and I let them

know in no uncertain terms I didn't want to be friends and didn't

care what they had to say. A borderline doesn't know how to deal

w/people ignoring them or people who don't buy into their drama. I'm

not a drama addict.Enough drama happens in my life w/o me going to

look for it. And so those couple that have come in have been ignored

in their attempts to befriend me.

I do have a friend, on the otherhand, whose a sucker for a sob story

and she gets pulled in a lot. Thankfully her new husband is a lot

like me and will remind her- 'been down that road. You know she's a

whack job that will crap on you in the end.' But this good friend was

also married to an NPD for 10 years right out of highschool and his

mom was a bp and so I think part of her still believes the npds and

bps stories since it was such a large part of her young adult life.

Its nice to see her getting wise w/the help of her new husband.He's a

good guy and she deserves to be happy, but she also is realizing not

everyone has good intentions like she does and that she has to

protect herself from these people who do desire to take away her

peace. And so she's ignoring this other bp friend anymore-the one

that wanted to befriend me and lavished me and my kids w/buttloads of

compliments, but I could see through that like saran wrap. She was

buttering me up so she could start blabbing later on to me about our

shared friend. Didn't work. never returned her calls, never took her

up on her invites and never got more indepth than a hi and bye

conversation, but God knows she tried.

I'm very leary of people who just start hurling compliments at me and

then start correcting things I say- its sooooo bpish.

K

>

>

>

> I have completly rid my life of " nut " . Not many people left,

> however, the ones left are the good ones I want to keep in my life.

> I have done some self reflecting and have realized how many

> dysfunctionals I allowed in my life because that is all I knew.

> I stand back know and slowly collect the pieces of the human

puzzle,

> waiting to see how they all fit before deciding where OR if that

> person belongs in my life.

>

> My theropist gave me a good bit of advice on one of the

borderline

> qualities that if you notice in a person-RUN!!!! She said if your

> encounter a person that wants to share there deep dark secrets or

too

> much of their live fast. BORDERLINE-RUN!!!!

>

> If anybody else have any tips they have learned along the way,

PLEASE

> share.

>

[Guest guest]

Very good point -- my nada loves to jump intimacy levels with people

too fast. If they like to drink, have a foul mouth, or chain-smoke,

they're automatically her instant best friend. She tries to be

their hero, gives advice, etc. She often declares " I love her!!! "

about a new acquaintance based on the above criteria.

One funny thing that happened while she was being Florence

Nightingale to her own ungrateful mother: While nada was standing

outside the hospital smoking, she became instant friends with

another smoker. My nada fell all over herself " helping " this gal

with advice and compliments.

A few weeks later this gal calls my mom and asks for money!!! ha ha

ha!!! Nada has no problem saying no to that. Guess the

friendship's over! LOL!

>

>

>

> I have completly rid my life of " nut " . Not many people left,

> however, the ones left are the good ones I want to keep in my life.

> I have done some self reflecting and have realized how many

> dysfunctionals I allowed in my life because that is all I knew.

> I stand back know and slowly collect the pieces of the human

puzzle,

> waiting to see how they all fit before deciding where OR if that

> person belongs in my life.

>

> My theropist gave me a good bit of advice on one of the

borderline

> qualities that if you notice in a person-RUN!!!! She said if your

> encounter a person that wants to share there deep dark secrets or

too

> much of their live fast. BORDERLINE-RUN!!!!

>

> If anybody else have any tips they have learned along the way,

PLEASE

> share.

>

[Guest guest]

,

I also steer clear of anyone who is quick to speak badly about others,

who seems to have an overly anxious view of the world and who gives

me the creeps for any reason. You can't be too careful.

Trish

>

>

>

> I have completly rid my life of " nut " . Not many people left,

> however, the ones left are the good ones I want to keep in my life.

> I have done some self reflecting and have realized how many

> dysfunctionals I allowed in my life because that is all I knew.

> I stand back know and slowly collect the pieces of the human puzzle,

> waiting to see how they all fit before deciding where OR if that

> person belongs in my life.

>

> My theropist gave me a good bit of advice on one of the borderline

> qualities that if you notice in a person-RUN!!!! She said if your

> encounter a person that wants to share there deep dark secrets or too

> much of their live fast. BORDERLINE-RUN!!!!

>

> If anybody else have any tips they have learned along the way, PLEASE

> share.

>

[Guest guest]

" And I admit that there are times, when she's building up a rage

against me, I find it really helpful to distract her sometimes by

bringing up the faults of someone else -- especially one of her

longtime grudges -- as she then splits me white again and focuses

her attention on demonizing THEM. I'm really going to make a

concerted effort to stop doing this -- it degrades me as much as it

degrades the " grudg-ee " . "

Wise words! And I have been guilty of the exact same thing with my

nada -- it's our way of steering them out of the Dark Side that we

see coming on.....I always regretted it. It denigrated both of us.

What a blessing that we recognize it and aren't carrying it into the

next generation.

Kyla

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > I have completly rid my life of " nut " . Not many people left,

> > > however, the ones left are the good ones I want to keep in my

life.

> > > I have done some self reflecting and have realized how many

> > > dysfunctionals I allowed in my life because that is all I knew.

> > > I stand back know and slowly collect the pieces of the human

> > puzzle,

> > > waiting to see how they all fit before deciding where OR if

> > that

> > > person belongs in my life.

> > >

> > > My theropist gave me a good bit of advice on one of the

> > borderline

> > > qualities that if you notice in a person-RUN!!!! She said if

> > your

> > > encounter a person that wants to share there deep dark secrets

> > or too

> > > much of their live fast. BORDERLINE-RUN!!!!

> > >

> > > If anybody else have any tips they have learned along the way,

> > PLEASE

> > > share.

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

And I admit that there are times, when she's building up a rage against me, I

find it really helpful to distract her sometimes by bringing up the faults of

someone else -- especially one of her longtime grudges -- as she then splits me

white again and focuses her attention on demonizing THEM. I'm really going to

make a concerted effort to stop doing this -- it degrades me as much as it

degrades the " grudg-ee " . Thanks for the distinction! Shana

This is a great tip, Shana. I make a list before I call nada of things I am

willing to discuss. I also keep handy the list of “I do not want to talk

about…..; I also use the list to change the subject whenever nada pauses for a

breath. I need to pay close attention to the subjects that “light up” my nada,

good tool for taking the heat off of me. Thanks, mg

[Guest guest]

Creeeeeeeepy!!! What a relief he didn't turn out to be a stalker!

Probably found somebody more receptive to his smothering style and

ditched you for her.

Surely next time you'll pay attention to those little hairs standing

up on the back of your neck and politely decline a second date!

-Kyla

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > I have completly rid my life of " nut " . Not many people left,

> > > however, the ones left are the good ones I want to keep in my

life.

> > > I have done some self reflecting and have realized how many

> > > dysfunctionals I allowed in my life because that is all I knew.

> > > I stand back know and slowly collect the pieces of the human

> > puzzle,

> > > waiting to see how they all fit before deciding where OR if

> > that

> > > person belongs in my life.

> > >

> > > My theropist gave me a good bit of advice on one of the

> > borderline

> > > qualities that if you notice in a person-RUN!!!! She said if

> > your

> > > encounter a person that wants to share there deep dark secrets

> > or

> > too

> > > much of their live fast. BORDERLINE-RUN!!!!

> > >

> > > If anybody else have any tips they have learned along the way,

> > PLEASE

> > > share.

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Spotting a borderline

That is a good topic for me to address. I did notice that I attracted what I

considered “wounded” people. Now I realize that the wounds were personality

problems, most likely BPD

Ouch, the gossip bond. I just realized that I have that bond with another

woman. I have had some twangs when we were discussing someone else, mainly the

minister’s wife. In my church I view the minister’s wife as very toxic; she has

offended many people with her sharp tongue and verbal abuse. She also does a

lot of (suppose to be) intimidating body language. Things like glaring at

someone she disagrees with, rolling her eyes, and she gives her opinion with her

hands on her hips stance. It does get kinda comical at times. The thought

keeps coming to my mind “how old is she?” (she is nearly 50).

The gossip partner has accepted a responsible position that begins Jan 1 and

continues for three years. This elected, though volunteer job, will take up a

tremendous amount of her time and so I see a natural progression that the

relationship will be put into a holding pattern. I need to use this as an

opportunity to gently put some distance between us. That is my responsibility.

Blessings, mg

[Guest guest]

Thanks for brining this topic to light. I know this is a topic I

struggle with. My husband can be in a room with somebody for 2-5

minutes and tell me their character. Once we have known them for a

few months and see how they are he has never ever been wrong yet.

Now me on the other hand.... I have gotten better with time I just

continue to remind myself consciously and be reminded by my husband

to (wink wink) not to trust people. One thing that has been brought

up is the gossip I hate that and I run from people who gossip. I

don't like people who have lots of problems but I always tend to

have this compassionate side that feels sorry if somebody is going

through a ruff time. I think now with crazy nada and crazy neighbor

lady even that is coming to a screeching halt pretty fast. When I

first met crazy bitter neighbor lady she poured out her life story

to me red flag (I didn`t see it), she gossiped non stop red flag and

you could hear literally hear the mood swings coming from her house

red flag. She also avoided coming over and meeting my husband that

was a red flag to for me. We did talk about my mom some and she

seemed to almost justify her behavior that was a red flag. Then when

we talked about our life dreams she said how she wanted to go back

to school and do secretarial work I encouraged her and told her I

would love to be in the counseling and psychology field she told me

I would " never be able to do that " because she " couldn't imagine me

in that field " again another red flag. After I was leaving our walk

that night she bellowed out a racist comment and we pretty much

never spoke again except for me to tell her to back off. I wish I

would have paid closer attention and not even let our children

become friends at all. It was my first time moving into a new house

new neighbor hood new city and I was too eager to meet people. Now

that I am here and many more people are moving in I am taking it

slow. I have 2 nice people on the sides of me, the rest who I don't

know so well I will take it slow getting to know them. I just have

to learn to take it easy. Be more observant, I think that is the

key. But growing up and being trusting I would say that is a flea I

picked up and I am getting rid of it as best and fast as I can. Well

thanks again for this topic it is a great one! Love Lizzy

>

>

> Spotting a borderline

>

> That is a good topic for me to address. I did notice that I

attracted what I considered " wounded " people. Now I realize that

the wounds were personality problems, most likely BPD

>

> Ouch, the gossip bond. I just realized that I have that bond

with another woman. I have had some twangs when we were discussing

someone else, mainly the minister's wife. In my church I view the

minister's wife as very toxic; she has offended many people with her

sharp tongue and verbal abuse. She also does a lot of (suppose to

be) intimidating body language. Things like glaring at someone she

disagrees with, rolling her eyes, and she gives her opinion with her

hands on her hips stance. It does get kinda comical at times. The

thought keeps coming to my mind " how old is she? " (she is nearly

50).

>

> The gossip partner has accepted a responsible position that

begins Jan 1 and continues for three years. This elected, though

volunteer job, will take up a tremendous amount of her time and so I

see a natural progression that the relationship will be put into a

holding pattern. I need to use this as an opportunity to gently put

some distance between us. That is my responsibility.

>

> Blessings, mg

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Wow Greg that is so interesting! Thanks for the fun facts! Love Lizzy

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > I have completly rid my life of " nut " . Not many people left,

> > > however, the ones left are the good ones I want to keep in my

life.

> > > I have done some self reflecting and have realized how many

> > > dysfunctionals I allowed in my life because that is all I knew.

> > > I stand back know and slowly collect the pieces of the human

> > puzzle,

> > > waiting to see how they all fit before deciding where OR if

> > that

> > > person belongs in my life.

> > >

> > > My theropist gave me a good bit of advice on one of the

> > borderline

> > > qualities that if you notice in a person-RUN!!!! She said if

> > your

> > > encounter a person that wants to share there deep dark secrets

> > or too

> > > much of their live fast. BORDERLINE-RUN!!!!

> > >

> > > If anybody else have any tips they have learned along the way,

> > PLEASE

> > > share.

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

[Guest guest]

Kyla and Shana, I don't think you should feel too guilty about turning

your nadas on someone else in order to deflect the rage or the

splitting. I have done the same thing many times in the past, not by

bringing up anyone in particulary but by leaving the area, locking

myself in my room, refusing to answer the phone etc. Nada's will find

their next victim as soon as you get out of the way, whether you

suggest one or not. My brothers used to get mad at me about this, but

it's hardly my fault if I step out of the wake of her wrath and she

randomly moves on to someone else in proximity.

Trish

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > I have completly rid my life of " nut " . Not many people left,

> > > > however, the ones left are the good ones I want to keep in my

> life.

> > > > I have done some self reflecting and have realized how many

> > > > dysfunctionals I allowed in my life because that is all I knew.

> > > > I stand back know and slowly collect the pieces of the human

> > > puzzle,

> > > > waiting to see how they all fit before deciding where OR if

> > > that

> > > > person belongs in my life.

> > > >

> > > > My theropist gave me a good bit of advice on one of the

> > > borderline

> > > > qualities that if you notice in a person-RUN!!!! She said if

> > > your

> > > > encounter a person that wants to share there deep dark secrets

> > > or too

> > > > much of their live fast. BORDERLINE-RUN!!!!

> > > >

> > > > If anybody else have any tips they have learned along the way,

> > > PLEASE

> > > > share.

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Greg, that's a really good point, but I think that there is a time and

a place for gossip! As weird as that may sound. For example, when

there were major things going down at my previous job--or people that

were extremely unhappy, those of us who were close felt confident

enough to discuss these things with each other and being close with

colleagues is certainly a survival factor in any job. All the things

we said were true and of serious concern to us and, like you said, all

were true. It was sometimes gossipy, but I felt ok about the

situation because 1. these were my close friends at work and 2. we

were all going through the same stuff and having the courage to

discuss it(in secret at first) really had a positive effect later.

But, when a new employee came up to me on his first day and started

trashing another person that neither of us really knew and for no

apparent reason, that freaked me out. It was a total boundary

violation because we were not close, I didn't know if I could trust

him to repeat the info or not and I didn't even know if what he was

saying was true. (later I actuallly learned he was a bpd kind of guy

and was just projecting onto an unknown victim). So again, gossip may

be a part of life, but people who don't have boundaries and tact about

gossip are still trouble.

Trish

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > I have completly rid my life of " nut " . Not many people left,

> > > however, the ones left are the good ones I want to keep in my life.

> > > I have done some self reflecting and have realized how many

> > > dysfunctionals I allowed in my life because that is all I knew.

> > > I stand back know and slowly collect the pieces of the human

> > puzzle,

> > > waiting to see how they all fit before deciding where OR if

> > that

> > > person belongs in my life.

> > >

> > > My theropist gave me a good bit of advice on one of the

> > borderline

> > > qualities that if you notice in a person-RUN!!!! She said if

> > your

> > > encounter a person that wants to share there deep dark secrets

> > or too

> > > much of their live fast. BORDERLINE-RUN!!!!

> > >

> > > If anybody else have any tips they have learned along the way,

> > PLEASE

> > > share.

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

[Guest guest]

Lizzy, if you're like me then your fleas don't actually keep you from

recognizing red flags, they just keep you from acting on them. I'm

often guilty of having a bad feeling about a person and noticing

little weird stuff they do and then not following up on it. I give

people the benefit of the doubt when I actually really do know better.

That's plain old conditioning. My nada really taught me never to

reject anyone (because she was an outcast and rejected child I think).

In grade school if I didn't want to play with a kid because he/she

was weird, my nada would tell me to invite the person over or include

the person in my play. In highschool, when I didn't want to date guys

who made me uncomfortable (and who later turned out to be bad news)

nada would actually ENCOURAGE me to be around them and even invite

them over to the house. When I wanted to end a friendship with a

girlfirend that had a drug problem and who was unpredictable and a bad

influence on me, my nada told me that I was not being compassionate

and invited the friend on vacation with us. How sick is that??? I

mean, what parent actually encourages their children to date people

that are pushy sexually or stay friends with unstable drug addicts?

My guess is that you have all the red flag detectors you need, but

that they may have been invalidated by your upbringing. Don't worry,

you can learn to listen to them again.

Trish

> >

> >

> > Spotting a borderline

> >

> > That is a good topic for me to address. I did notice that I

> attracted what I considered " wounded " people. Now I realize that

> the wounds were personality problems, most likely BPD

> >

> > Ouch, the gossip bond. I just realized that I have that bond

> with another woman. I have had some twangs when we were discussing

> someone else, mainly the minister's wife. In my church I view the

> minister's wife as very toxic; she has offended many people with her

> sharp tongue and verbal abuse. She also does a lot of (suppose to

> be) intimidating body language. Things like glaring at someone she

> disagrees with, rolling her eyes, and she gives her opinion with her

> hands on her hips stance. It does get kinda comical at times. The

> thought keeps coming to my mind " how old is she? " (she is nearly

> 50).

> >

> > The gossip partner has accepted a responsible position that

> begins Jan 1 and continues for three years. This elected, though

> volunteer job, will take up a tremendous amount of her time and so I

> see a natural progression that the relationship will be put into a

> holding pattern. I need to use this as an opportunity to gently put

> some distance between us. That is my responsibility.

> >

> > Blessings, mg

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Thanks Trish that actually is exactly how it was for me to. You

might as well have just written down my childhood. So thanks for the

kind words. Like I said I acknowledged it and I am working on it. I

know I have made improvements but I also know I have a ways to go.

Like with my crazy bitter angry neighbor I saw all the red flags as

they happened and openly talked about how they bothered me to dh but

I never did a thing about it until the last few months but it took

about 2 months before I took action because I have been living here

for 6 months but did not meet her immediately. I don't think it is

horrible timing but it could have been better! Next time I want to

be able to run like the wind at just a scent of a bp. So thanks

again for explaining this I think you are right in regards to

the " conditioning " Love Lizzy

> > >

> > >

> > > Spotting a borderline

> > >

> > > That is a good topic for me to address. I did notice that I

> > attracted what I considered " wounded " people. Now I realize

that

> > the wounds were personality problems, most likely BPD

> > >

> > > Ouch, the gossip bond. I just realized that I have that

bond

> > with another woman. I have had some twangs when we were

discussing

> > someone else, mainly the minister's wife. In my church I view

the

> > minister's wife as very toxic; she has offended many people with

her

> > sharp tongue and verbal abuse. She also does a lot of (suppose

to

> > be) intimidating body language. Things like glaring at someone

she

> > disagrees with, rolling her eyes, and she gives her opinion with

her

> > hands on her hips stance. It does get kinda comical at times.

The

> > thought keeps coming to my mind " how old is she? " (she is

nearly

> > 50).

> > >

> > > The gossip partner has accepted a responsible position that

> > begins Jan 1 and continues for three years. This elected,

though

> > volunteer job, will take up a tremendous amount of her time and

so I

> > see a natural progression that the relationship will be put into

a

> > holding pattern. I need to use this as an opportunity to gently

put

> > some distance between us. That is my responsibility.

> > >

> > > Blessings, mg

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Very true -- it was a survival mechanism. I guess we've all learned

quite a few of those...

Like talking a gunman into putting the gun down.....lol

Thanks,

Kyla

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > I have completly rid my life of " nut " . Not many people

left,

> > > > > however, the ones left are the good ones I want to keep in

my

> > life.

> > > > > I have done some self reflecting and have realized how

many

> > > > > dysfunctionals I allowed in my life because that is all I

knew.

> > > > > I stand back know and slowly collect the pieces of the

human

> > > > puzzle,

> > > > > waiting to see how they all fit before deciding where OR

if

> > > > that

> > > > > person belongs in my life.

> > > > >

> > > > > My theropist gave me a good bit of advice on one of the

> > > > borderline

> > > > > qualities that if you notice in a person-RUN!!!! She said

if

> > > > your

> > > > > encounter a person that wants to share there deep dark

secrets

> > > > or too

> > > > > much of their live fast. BORDERLINE-RUN!!!!

> > > > >

> > > > > If anybody else have any tips they have learned along the

way,

> > > > PLEASE

> > > > > share.

> > > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Ata -- good point, because Borderlines are so clever at weaving

themselves into society. Personally, my nada is wickedly funny.

Devastating sense of humor, which is attractive to people. My good

memories of her are from when she has cracked me up.

Your comment " ...characteristics to look out for, like always

wearing gloves and having bigger nostrils and blue spit? " made me

laugh. It also reminded me of that bit in Seinfeld when they were

discussing Marla the Virgin.

Elaine: She's a VIRGIN? I had no idea!!

Jerry: Well, it's not like spotting a toupee!!!

As far as your policy to avoid drama: that's a damn good policy.

People ratchet up the drama to manipulate us, or to convince

themselves they're in crisis mode. I don't need it, either.

Like you said, they can do it without our help.

-Kyla

> > >

> > >

> > > Spotting a borderline

> > >

> > > That is a good topic for me to address. I did notice that I

> > attracted what I considered " wounded " people. Now I realize that

> > the wounds were personality problems, most likely BPD

> > >

> > > Ouch, the gossip bond. I just realized that I have that bond

> > with another woman. I have had some twangs when we were

discussing

> > someone else, mainly the minister's wife. In my church I view the

> > minister's wife as very toxic; she has offended many people with

her

> > sharp tongue and verbal abuse. She also does a lot of (suppose to

> > be) intimidating body language. Things like glaring at someone

she

> > disagrees with, rolling her eyes, and she gives her opinion with

her

> > hands on her hips stance. It does get kinda comical at times. The

> > thought keeps coming to my mind " how old is she? " (she is nearly

> > 50).

> > >

> > > The gossip partner has accepted a responsible position that

> > begins Jan 1 and continues for three years. This elected, though

> > volunteer job, will take up a tremendous amount of her time and

so I

> > see a natural progression that the relationship will be put into

a

> > holding pattern. I need to use this as an opportunity to gently

put

> > some distance between us. That is my responsibility.

> > >

> > > Blessings, mg

> > >

> > >

> > >