nadas and television

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone, I've got a recent antecdote I need to share. First may I say

welcome to the

newcomers, and also that it's especially nice to see some names I haven't for

awhile--

, Kerrie, cre8-- just to name a few. I am in a part of my recovery now

where I don't

post (or read) as much as I used to, but I still value all of you tremendously

and am

grateful you're out there when I do need to post. And I need to now for sure,

if only to try

and get some of this slime off me.

I have a longstanding policy not to watch tv with nada. I established this

before I even

knew about bpd, because she made me so uncomfortable. I didn't know why then; I

just

knew that whenever I tried to watch tv w/her, she made me feel awful and

uncomfortable.

Well, I know more now. And I've done something that I feel very guilty about, I

think. I

would appreciate input from the rest of the board. For various reasons, which I

hope

include my own newfound skills, I am split very good right now. Being aware of

that, and

being at nada's house one evening recently, I knew that if I watched a bit of tv

with her, I

would be split even more good. And a game show was on, so I figured that

wouldn't be so

bad--no action or characters for nada to comment on, no story for nada to

ugly-fy or

ruin. Boy, was I wrong on that one.

I watched a game show with nada. Or-well--part of one. First, overall, I now

realize that

nada must make the entire experience about her. Everyone must have *her*

reaction to

the show, whatever it is, and we must in truth be watching *her*, not the tv.

So, she has

to comment and basically be in control of the entire situation. Watching tv is

really not

allowed, you see--only watching her is allowed. I now understand why she would

never

let me watch the XFiles or other sorts of drama shows--she would always come and

try to

ask me some banal question and keep me from hearing key parts of the dialogue.

She

couldn't bear for me to be paying attention to something else, ANYTHING else.

So. Now

that is understood.

But that's just nada being a three year old. That's not my moral dilemna. It's

this. Now--

in my defense, I did not plan to watch a show w/nada, and I didn't have any

defenses

planned for this sortof behavior. I had almost forgotten the type of things she

says,

because I avoid these situations. Well, the first thing she does is start

making racist

comments. Several of them. And I did not react at all. I was perfectly

silent. When I was

a child, I used to call her on that sh*t, and all she would do is just project

hostility onto

me--I didn't mean it like *that*, why are you *attacking* me, why are you so

*hostile*? So,

it wouldn't have worked. But that's not why I remained silent. It's because I

didn't want to

get split black. It would have been too painful. I did not stand up against

racism, because

I was trying to avoid the consequences to myself. yes--they would have been

intolerable,

but, my God. I feel awful.

Then she made some comments that, in her lurid nada way, were terribly insulting

to my

father's family, and yet also terribly racist at the same time. And by the way,

since she is a

high-functioning nada, these are always by implication, they are never exactly

direct.

They are completely obvious for the most part but have the tiniest amount of

wiggle room,

maybe 2%, just enough so that nada can project comfortably if challenged.

Again, I did

not defend my father. I just didn't respond at all.

Finally, she made several comments about the 'immoral' women on the show, saying

for

example that their 'boobs were hanging out' of their clothes. I can't tell you

how often I

heard that ugly phrase growing up. She was obsessed with it, and used it to

describe

many a normal, modest outfit or prom dress. It made me feel very uncomfortable,

it

always has--it has always made me feel sexually violated. She cannot handle ANY

sexuality at all, none, and any time any sortof sexuality is even hinted at on

tv, she

projects her discomfort onto the innocents in the room. She then does not feel

it--I do. I

still do. I can't even watch loves scenes in movies by myself, much less with

good friends.

I know I was in a lose-lose situation, and that confronting her on each of her

appalling

comments would not have made her admit to them or change her behavior. But

maybe

taking on the authoritative parent attitude would have--as some of you know, it

can work

when you say--'no, missy, you will NOT talk about people that way in front of

me, or I'm

leaving', and just stick to your guns on the rule no matter what they try to

project. I wasn't

prepared. I had forgotten, to be honest, what APPALLING things nada says about

other

people. Just insults to peoples' BASIC human dignity. Just portraying them as

ugly and

desperate and pathetic. Finally I walked away from the show, pretending to be

done with

dinner. I know what I am about to say sounds harsh, but as I walked away I did

not see

why my nada had the right to exist on this earth. She contributes absolutely

nothing; or if

she does, it must be cancelled out by the terrible insults and degradation she

commits on

others.

I want to be in a position where I never have to feel slimed and compromised

like this, as if

I didn't stand up against racism, or for my father, or even for women who are

not *that*

scantily clad, and certainly not in a pornographic movie (which is how she spoke

of

them--it was in her tone). I feel awful about it. No more tv with nada! I

feel so confused,

and guilty because I benefitted from staying silent--I really did. She did all

kinds of

helpful things because I was split good that visit.

Ugh. Thoughts? I'd appreciate them.

Take care everyone,

Charlie