Re: problems

[Guest guest]

Charlie,

I'm so sorry to read that you are not comfortable posting about some problems

with your family, for fear of being identified. Is there any way you could

change enough of the details (just the identifying parts, but keep the real

substance of the issues?) You know? Change an aunt to a cousin, change a family

cruise into a family barbecue, but keep the basic dynamics. Don't know if it

could work...

But I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I can imagine that it feels bad--like

being thirsty in the desert, and the water's just out of reach! The KOs are

here, but maybe just out of reach of being able to help. I hope there is some

way you can post at least a little without revealing too much, or be able to

get help with this in whatever other way would work for you.

Hugs,

Flea

charlottehoneychurch wrote: Dear KOs,

There are two very big problems I need to post about, and I feel I

can't, because it reveals too much detail about who I am, and if nada

or any of her cronies are on this board, they will know it's me. Damn

it! I'm so feeling very alone and vulnerable today. Nada has got me

in some really awful lose-lose situations and I'm going to have to

make some choices that are painful no matter what I do (and even if I

do nothing). And I'm not feeling strong enough to make such choices

today. I am also so full of anger!

Thanks for listening. Wish I could say more.

Charlie

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[Guest guest]

Hi Charlie, I've been thinking over another one of your posts that you wrote a

while ago

where you said something about not wanting to say what you do because someone in

your

family could find out who you are. . .I was worried about the same thing for a

while--I

think my brother could be on the brink of discovering our nada has BPD and that

he could

stumble onto this site--it had me worried for a while. . .I had to consider the

fact that my

nada could find out what I thought (that she has bpd) and that I've been going

to therapy,

etc. Since I tend to have anxiety that people in general are " out to get me "

this is the kind

of thing I really worry about. So . . .I used a trick I learned in dealing

with anxiety.

1. I sized up the likelyhood that my nada could find out that A. I was on this

board and B.

get personal info about me and use it to hurt me. (in my chance I decided this

was, in

fact, a possibility--albeit an unlikely one.)

2. I decided what the real consequences Could be if my nada figured out I was

on here

and read what I'd posted. (for me, the consequences are probably that nada

would rage at

me and abuse me or disown me. She could " go after me " by trashing me to the fam

or by

trashing some of the things I still keep at her house)

3. I made a plan to deal with the possible consequences. My plan looks like

this: If she

rages at me or abuses me, I will go NC. If she trashes me to the fam, I will

hope they

understand and if they don't I will write them off too. As for my possessions,

I feel I can

live w/o them, but if I they were really important to me, I'd be making

arangements to get

to them NOW so that I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore.

I've decided that for me, the value of using this board and the right to use

this board

without fear outweigh the possible consequences of my nada finding me out. By

the way, I

feel like being able to say to some trusted audience what is happening and what

I'm

worried about is a central part of my ability to heal myself and go on with my

life. If I let

my nada (or fear of my nada) take that away. . .well, I'm letting her have too

much.

Charlie, weren't you the one who had a plan for dealing with the times when you

fear that

people are out to get you? If I remember correctly, you had some really helpful

advice for

me when I was feeling upset about the fear that people that I stood up to would

do

everything they could to hurt me. In this case, if you're like me, your fear

may be pretty

justified because your nada may have purposely tried to hurt you in any way

possible

before--but you may be more afraid than you need to me. (although I don't know

your

exact situation). I have learned that as an adult, when my nada tries to hurt

me, well, I'm

just much stronger than an 8-year old. I can protect myself from her and I can

LEAVE.

It's really important to feel safe. So do what you need to to protect yourself.

But I think

you should look at your decision not to post very carefully in order to see if

you realy do

need to be that afraid of your nada--and if you find she has some massive

leverage over

you (financial or other) you may want to start getting into a position where she

can't hurt

you so much in reaction to your doing the things you need to to be happy.

I'm with you whatever you decide.

Trish

>

> Dear KOs,

>

> There are two very big problems I need to post about, and I feel I

> can't, because it reveals too much detail about who I am, and if nada

> or any of her cronies are on this board, they will know it's me. Damn

> it! I'm so feeling very alone and vulnerable today. Nada has got me

> in some really awful lose-lose situations and I'm going to have to

> make some choices that are painful no matter what I do (and even if I

> do nothing). And I'm not feeling strong enough to make such choices

> today. I am also so full of anger!

>

> Thanks for listening. Wish I could say more.

> Charlie

>