babies crying

[Guest guest]

Hi all,

I have had a major breakthrough of comprehension just now and I

wanted to share in case it is of use to anybody. Well, and also to

get validation of course

Not much time to post at the moment but I need to get this out

immediately. I was just in a cafe where a baby was screeching. It

made me very uncomfortable, as usual. Today I finally understood

why. I have come to understand my emotional responses now, and feel

them as they occur.

My foo has been lying to me about this. It can be called no less

than a lie. They have told me, in so many words, that my discomfort

when babies are present, and especially when they cry, is because I

am jealous, mean and hateful. I am jealous because I don't have my

own baby. I am mean and hateful because I can't get over my own

jealousy enough to let go and to let people enjoy their own

children. The idea is also that, if only I had my own husband and

children, I would not feel those terrible monstrous thoughts.

This was a LIE. I am a generous person, and I have nothing at all

against babies. I am very good with babies and always have been. I

wish happiness to people with babies, and feel no overwhelming need

to prove my right to exist by having one. This was a LIE. Here's

what happens to me when I hear a baby cry. I get terrified because

of the repressed physical and emotional trauma of being abused and

molested and neglected when I MYSELF was a baby. I get actually

physically terrified for my own safety, because repressed trauma is

involved. This is the big secret the Foo is desperately trying to

deny and cover up. They are trying to deny what they did, and make

any discomfort I feel because of it somehow my fault.

Today when I heard that baby cry, I let the feelings come up, and

was able to feel them, yet moderate them. I told the infant in me

that she was protected and safe. And I vowed that when I have my

own children, I will NEVER let nada alone with them, and especially

not let her change their diapers or anything like that--no matter

how much sh*t for that I may get from other people.

I can't believe that all these years, I was believing what they told

me. I was believing I was mean and hateful and jealous, destined to

be some sort of old maid figure. My entire LIFE, they have tried to

make me believe this. And it's not true. It never has been true.

(Please help me to believe, it is not true.)

Arghh! More later.

Charlie