Re: Some realizations:

[Guest guest]

, I have had some of the same experiences. I'm not sure when I realized

that I didn't

love my mother. But I still think that's true. She's beeing more appropriate

with me lately

and I'm having less trouble, but I'm afraid it's already too late in that

respect. I actually

remember a conversation with my dad when I was a teenager when I said, " I don't

respect

her. I don't know how you can love someone you don't respect. " So, I think it

was already

starting. Also, I do not think she loves me, at least not according to my

definition of love.

I used to feel extremely guilty about that.

I don't remember a feeling of emptiness so much about my emotions, but like you

I

definitely squashed them out. My survival mechanism was anxiety, so whenever I

started

to feel guilty, ashamed, angry or sad--particularly at my mother, I would just

start feeling

anxious or shaking or even panicking. It took me a long time and a lot of hard

work to 1.

realize there were emotions under there and 2. figure out what they are.

I am glad I went to therapy to deal with that part of things because I needed

help finding

out how I felt and I also needed help dealing with all those emotions. I was

afraid of them

and felt like they would consume me or never go away because I'd gone so many

years

avoiding them.

I think that what you're describing is pretty typical. In fact, you can't

really afford to show

your emotions, particularly negative ones around a nada so you needed to learn

to hide

them. But they are probably in there.

Trish

>

>

>

> The more into recovery I get, the more I realize things I never

> wanted to admit to myself. I think I loved my nada and my 2 BPD's

> sisters because that is what a child does. They love unconditionally.

> We are born loving our family, or in the case of BP's TO LOVE THEM.

> I don't know wheather or not I really love them or not. I think the

> love stopped somewhere along the way. Where, I don't know. Lately I

> feel numb. Any one out there going through this or have gone through

> this? Is this part of the recovery process? I think I loved the idea

> of family or the ideal nada or sister, not the real ones. Don't know?

> I'm having trouble feeling anger and pain toward nada. Those

> feelings are buried so deep inside. I know what I think, what I

> believe, but not how I FEEL. What I think maybe constanly changing

> with more info., which is good. Feelings are like non existant. I

> talked to my GOOD sister today. I feel bad for her. My 3 older

> sister are from nada's 1st marriage, so they have a different

> father. My father pasted over 10 years ago-(that's another story for

> different post). Janet has to deal with the EVIL Lynn. Their father

> has been ill and that means she has to deal with the spawn of the

> devil-Lynn. They live in the same area(another state from me). Lynn

> has got her so upset. Lynn plans her trips to the hospital when she

> knows Jan is going because she knows Jan has to go when she gets off

> work. Lynn is great for stalking people to try and cause chaos and

> weddle her way into someones life. This situation only reminds me of

> the truth on they way they really are. That is a good thing. TO BE

> REMINDED OF THE TRUTH OF BP'S. IT HELPS TO KEEP US AWAY FROM THEM!

>

> Sorry for the long post-

>

>