Kerrie's College Loans

[Guest guest]

Sometimes a post here rings out like an intentional gift from the

universe. That was this one, Kerrie! Thanks so much. This issue

is so very central to my life right now. And yesterday, minutes

before I read this post, I had identified that the idea of never

being able to pay off my loans was scaring me again. Your life is

quite an inspiration! Gives me hope I can get there one day.

This is a theme I've discussed quite a bit with , and it keeps

coming up. It's preventing me from resolving the trauma, and I've

got to get around it. My FOO is desperate to keep me believing I am

helpless, to ever truly be financially independent. That way, they

keep me ensnared. They keep me 'beholden' to them, so I can't call

them on their shi*t, and they keep me under pressure to accept their

reality. Their latest pressure is that since I am working on a

graduate degree, I am incapable of EVER getting a 'real' job. There

is absolutely no basis for this belief of theirs. And to the extent

that I have any challenges keeping it together, it is THEIR fault;

it is from PTSD. The kids inside me need to counter their signals,

which come basically every time I speak with them.

Their signals are desperate. They say things like I am 'ancient', I

am 'in a mess'. When I should be enjoying this wonderful time in my

life, because the degree I'm pursuing is in a wonderful, fascinating

field, and the job I do get when I'm done is going to be amazing.

Before I knew about bpd, I accepted some financial help from them

during this period. I didn't realize what a mistake it was. Once I

did, I went to great sacrifices to get FREE of the need for that

help. Now, I finally have. But the way they have fought me on it,

you would not believe. They are desperate, absolutely desperate to

keep me bundled up in their OWN reality.

Their pressure to believe I will never be able to support myself is

probably the worst aspect of my life right now. To recover from

trauma, you have to believe that the power to take care of you is in

your own hands. Your message helps me to get there. Thanks

Kerrie!

Ch

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Sofia,

> > > > > > You reminded me of my getting-into-Columbia-story. It

was

> > my

> > > > > first-choice school, but instead I had to go to a " lesser

> > school "

> > > > > because that school had offered me a full scholarship with

> > room

> > > and

> > > > > board, and Columbia would have required my parents to pay

a

> > small-

> > > -

> > > > > and I mean a small--amount toward room and board. " They

> > couldn't

> > > > > afford it, " (oh, they could).

> > > > > >

> > > > > > It's not so much the fact that the other school was

> > a " lesser

> > > > > school " that galled me--but the fact that nada and

stepdad

> > would

> > > > > not extend themselves, nor pay one " unnecessary " cent--in

> > order

> > > for

> > > > > me to go to a place that I really wanted. I ended up

going

> to

> > a

> > > > > school that I had zero interest in attending, in a city

in

> > which

> > > I

> > > > > had zero interest in living.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > My silver lining is that I met my husband at

the " lesser

> > > school "

> > > > > and he has been such a blessing in my life.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > But even now, years later, the idea that they totally

> > > > > disregarded my wishes and were unwilling to spend one

cent

> on

> > my

> > > > > education--that still makes me angry. They were spoiled

> > because

> > > > > they got rid of me free of charge at the boarding

school's

> > > expense

> > > > > for four years, and they would be d***ed if they would

start

> > > > > spending money on me at that point.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > So many years later, but still angry. Sheesh.

> > > > > > Flea

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > > ---------------------------------

> > > > > > Yahoo! Mail

> > > > > > Bring photos to life! New PhotoMail makes sharing a

breeze.

> > > > > >

> > > > > >