Carry

[Guest guest]

Hi Carry,

I've been " lurking " on this list for quite awhile. I'm a mother

(not a nada, thank GOD!) to a 2 and 4 year-old. My Nada is a

combination of Witch, Hermit and Queen, if you've read UTBM you'll

understand the description. I've been in therapy for the 2nd time

in my life, since January because I've went almost N/C. I still

every few months meet my nada and dishrag at a neutral place so that

they can see the kids, my dh and me. I think the lightbulb went on

for me (that she truly had a mental illness) in early January.

Before I always knew something was wrong with her and that she could

be very abusive towards me, but I was confused (and enmeshed) about

what was truly going on. I am so glad to finally see what really is

going on with HER. However, I will tell you that I decided BEFORE I

had children that I would not parent like my FOO. I studied child

development here and there in college. I knew how important

attachment is in the early years. I studied a lot about attachment-

style parenting. I knew that my family would not be understanding

of me doing things differently, but I had come to terms with being

the black sheep (i.e. split black) a long time ago, so it didn't

bother me to do things differently. The mistake I kept making was

to keep sharing with her (and my bpd brother who has children) what

and why I was doing things differently. I see now why this would

just keep throwing nada (and bpd brother) into rages. It was

completely threatening to them that I was parenting differently and

it infuriated them. Not too mention I was so adament about how I

was doing things, " right. " I'm sure that just sent them over the

edge. It's kind of funny to think about me doing this now that I

know. My therapist has said that I had and have a very strong sense

of self preservation. I never stopped fighting nada and pointing

out how wrong she was about things. Boy, I definitely knew how to

bring out the worst in her, lol. I paid dearly for it too. I have

the " battle " scars to prove it, much like everyone else on this

board.

Anyway, what I wanted to say is that it takes a HUGE effort to

do things differently than FOO, but it is so worth it in regards to

parenting. I have such a loving, respectful and healing

relationship with my kiddos. It is VERY healing to parent children

the way one would've like to have been parented. I strongly

recommend that every KO take positive parenting classes and read

attachment parenting books. I can't say that doing these things

hasn't also brought up a lot of painful memories of abuse from nada

and dishrag. The memories can be extremely overwhelming and painful

at times. I just remind myself that I am NOT going to subject my

kids to that kind of poison. I am working on healing myself right

now so that I can be the best parent possible to my kids. I

occasionally lose my temper and yell at times (i'm seriously working

on that), but all in all, my relationship with my babies is NOTHING

like the craziness that I grew up with. I have decided that the

mental illness and abuse stops here! Unfortunately, my brother

(split good by nada) has bpd also. It is heartbreaking for me to

know that he has 2 beautiful sons that he has already split. He

split black his youngest son before the child was even 1. It makes

me sick. My brother has also split me black, so I have very little

contact with him. My heart just breaks for those children. Though,

I don't know their mother very well, I get the idea that she is a

dishrag partner and pretty self-centered. Yuck! Poor babies. If I

ever get to know those kids, I'd like to tell them what a gift they

are to this earth and that they are worthy of UNCONDITIONAL love. I

also want them to know that if they need anything that I'm here for

them. I'm not sure how to do that, because they live in another

state and we have very little contact. It really makes my soul ache

to think that this thing has continued on in my brother's family

tree. Maybe when his sons are adults, I can get to know them and

let them in on our " little family secret. " Time will tell.

Well, I'll talk more later. Hope everyone has a great weekend.

-Karri L.

To trust children we must first learn to trust ourselves...and

most of us were taught as children that we could not be trusted. --

Holt