missing them

[Guest guest]

Recently I wrote I am feeling better now that I have gone NC. But it is

hard b/c I am creating some distance with my brother, who is my best friend

I know he is uncomf. b/c he says he understands, but really he is like what

is your problem? He is very good at setting boundaries with my parents and

I am clearly not, he can't see why I don't just adopt his tactics and

tolerance level.

So today I don't miss nada and dishrag, but I do miss my family. It is

weird to feel actual twinges of jealousy now when I see a mother and

daughter out shopping. I saw an article that said- how to get closer to

your mom and I almost cried. Before I would have not even read it b/c I

would have been like oh luckyme I am so super close with them.

Today I wish I could suck it up and pretend some more, but I know I cannot.

That sense of loss is very real. I am going to focus on #1 today though. I

am going to actually get my bills in order- a huge challenge since I moved

three months ago and it is just out of order (not unpaid;)- just not

right). Then I am going to the farmers market and to the beach to read.

I don't need them or their drama or stress. I will be okay on my own. I

just feel a little sad today. I miss my friends as well and I just hope I

can focus on the good things I have in my life.

Thanks for reading;0

>

> Kerrie, thanks for your response. I agree with non-bp, it was beautiful.

> I've actually taken

> a few things away about parenting from your posts before on different

> subjects--but I so

> appreciate the time and care you took in this post. After reading it, it

> just feel sort of

> freed in a way. It's been a long road from never wanting to have kids

> because I feared

> being like nada--to actually feeling like I would want to and that I'd be

> a fine mother.

>

> I thought your strategy for dealing with your 2-year old was great. I'm

> so worried about

> not letting my children express their emotions--particularly

> anger--because it freaks me

> out so much.

>

> I thought what you said about forgiving your own mistakes in order to be a

> model to your

> children was particularly beautiful:

>

> > You will screw up. Expect that. But you will also learn how to

> > say 'I'm sorry'. And to forgive yourself b/c you never want your kids

> > to be unforgiving towards themselves and live w/shame. That is how I

> > have learned to forgive myself. I do not want them to feel such shame

> > we KOs always had and if I want them to live a life w/o shame then I

> > must learn to be human and accept my mistakes and realize people do

> > not have to be perfect to be loved and that I don't have to be

> > perfect to be loved. In fact there is nothing perfect EXCEPT love

> > that exists in the human condition.

>

> I had actually been thinking recently about how painful it is for our

> whole family that my

> mom seems to thing that even the tiniest mistake or flaw makes you a bad

> person. It's

> been exhausting to grow up with someone who goes on a rage and tells you

> what a

> fundamentally terrible person you are just for doing things kids do. It's

> horrible also

> growing up around someone who can never appologize, even for major

> transgressions,

> because she can't face the fact that she's not perfect either. I

> definitely intend to

> incorporate this into raising any kids I have!

>

> And I actually never knew that people who were abused as children actualy

> had a tendency

> to turn out to be great parents too. I had only heard that they tended to

> repeat the cycle

> of abuse. Thank you for that added ammunition against my doubts!

>

> Trish

>

>

>

>

>

> > >

> > > Hi everyone. I'm not trying to beat a dead horse, as I know there's

> > been lots of posting on

> > > this subject, but it's one of great concern for me. For most of my

> > life I've never even

> > > wanted to have kids. I think this is partly because my nada really

> > gave me the impression

> > > that she became the way she was when she had kids--and I don't want

> > to become like her.

> > > It's also partly because I've always thought I just wouldn't be

> > good at it, maybe because of

> > > lots of bad examples.

> > >

> > > I've been thinking differently lately, however. It's probably the

> > result of going to therapy

> > > and realizing that I'll never be like my mother and that maybe I

> > could be an ok parent after

> > > all. I'll definitely be working through some more things and I've

> > read a lot of posts on how

> > > some of you tackle parenting already.

> > >

> > > What I'd like to kow is what changes those of you who have kids or

> > consider having kids

> > > have made in your lives or yourselves in order to sort of prepare.

> > I feel at a loss for a

> > > good place to start because not only was I not in a normal family

> > growing up, but also was

> > > kept pretty sheltered from any other normal families growing up.

> > >

> > > I've learned a lot already about how I'd prefer to live, but I

> > guess one thing I've learned is

> > > that you sometimes just don't realize what you don't know! So,

> > what do you all know? Is

> > > there anything that you suddenly realized you needed to learn fast

> > when you became a

> > > parent?

> > >

> > > Trish

> > >

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

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