Re: Isolation.

[Guest guest]

Thanks, Shana. What you said was exactly what I needed to hear right now; such

words of wisdom. Everything you pointed out had a pearl of truth in it in each

paragraph. I'm so sorry that your nada said that horrible things to you as a

girl. She is insane like my nada.

Thank you again and take great Care!

Greg.

slarsen988@... wrote:

Greg, I say you have to give yourself some time with all this! And

MAJORLY give yourself a break, too -- you've only just moved, for heaven's sake!

For me, I find the more I can accept and like myself, the less I care what other

people think -- so the fear of their rejecting me gets diminished. I don't know

if it ever goes away completely, though, I think fear of rejection is just part

of the human condition.

I think once you're set up with the new job and school routine, you'll naturally

be around people more, and of course you'll be making more friends and spending

less time alone. It just takes time! You only just moved there!

As to the Voice of Nada still putting you down... I can really relate, as it's

very hard as a KO not to anticipate people having a negative reaction to you, or

at least I usually assume I'm being seen in the worst possible light most of the

time. And I still have residual guilt -- like, anytime I do something nice for

myself, like working out or relaxing with a cup of tea and a book, I still hear

that voice telling me I'm being " selfish " and bad or lazy and ungrateful.

I hear her opinions a lot in my head -- but at least now I can recognize them

for what they are: the rantings of a mentally ill woman who was invested in

keeping me down and making me feel bad about myself to suit her own twisted

agenda. As a parent, I'd have my tongue cut out before I'd say to my son even

ONE of any of the millions of nasty, judgmental, negative garbage Nada told me

over and over and over.... Not just about myself, but about the world and life

in general! (My personal fave, her never-ending Mantra of " there are no good men

out there. " Can you even imagine saying that to a little girl on a regular

baisis??? Ugghhhhhh!)

Just for fun, since these thoughts are coming up for you now anyway, why not try

writing them all down? Maybe you've been doing that already from one of the

workbooks -- but it might help empower you to see them in print and realize how

utterly insane, ridiculous and unfounded they are.

Isolation is scary for me, too -- my nada is a MAJOR Hermit, and probably the

biggest fear I have in life is ending up being anything like her... but again,

she's someone who's illness makes her behave in a way that other people find

naturally repellant, whereas I'm usually alone because I'm a writer and work

alone, or I've moved, or some other sane real-world reason.

I say, throw yourself into exercising, making your new place nice and homey,

quitting smoking, doing lots of reading and web-surfing and just generally going

about doing everything you need to get done to set up your new life. You have a

lot going on in your inner world right now, so try to be extra nice to yourself

and pamper yourself physically. And I've found with relocating it really helps

to spend extra time on the phone with old friends until the new ones are in

place. You'll meet more people and have them in your life as time goes by,

honest!

(Btw, have you done any reading about co-dependency? I find this pretty

enlightening in the KO context. There's lots of cool websites about it -- or you

can google CODA (Co-Dependents Anonymous) for links. I've found a lot of their

stuff helpful in separating emotionally from el Nada.)

Hang in there, bub. You're doing great with all this stuff!

Shana

Isolation.

To: wtoadultchildren1

> Hey Everyone,

>

> I need some help with dealing with isolation. This, by far,

> is my biggest problem and feeds others. And now that I am in a

> new city, Seattle, I am soo mad at myself for still isolating.

> The bizarre thing is that once I get out there, I am pretty OK

> and have fun. There is something going on deep, deep down in my

> subconscious that is my mother's and father's voice, but

> especially my mother's.

>

> When I am out and before I have contact with people, I feel so

> inferior to everyone else, feel like nobody would like me, feel

> that I am strange = horrible and mean and dirty (all of which is

> not true), and I think the worse fear is that I am like my

> parents (which I also know is not true). It's like I have this

> message that permeates my being that says, " Nobody will ever

> like you, you little freak. "

>

> Have any of you gone through this to one degree or another?

> If so, how did you get yourself through it? I am so angry and

> sick and tired of this paralyzing fear of being rejected.

>

> Greg.

>

>

> ---------------------------------

> How low will we go? Check out Yahoo! Messenger’s low PC-to-

> Phone call rates.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Kath,

Thank you for writing your words of wisdom here. They really helped me see

more about the " rejection " fear component in my mind. What I haven't said to

the group is that not only did I go n/c with my nada, fada is dead, but I also

went n/c with two other people that I thought were life long friends. More than

friends, in fact. I had a bedroom growing up after my nada left during the

divorce at one of these person's homes. So in February I lost my adopted nada

and this summer my adopted sister b/c of these BP traits. Talk about walking on

eggshells, MY GOD. But it was so familiar and I felt needed. It took me four

years to get up the courage to go n/c with them, but once I started cleaning the

closet - out they went. So I really haven't had many " real " friends.

Now that feeling is coming from three areas in order of strength: 1., I don't

want to befriend a crazy person again., 2., What do " normal " friendships do/look

like? Learning about this in CODA book, and 3., fear of rejection. But once I

get out of my apartment, that fear goes away. Like you, I talk to the grocery

people and enjoy that. My psychiatrist in Dallas told me that complexes never

go away, but with correct cognitive schemas, they don't have to affect us

anymore. And everyone has complexes.

People in Authority: I share that one big time. But my faith seems to come in

now, as well as the other tools you mentioned.

Thanks for another pearl of wisdom. I'm making a beautiful neckless. ;o)

Greg.

Kath wrote:

I've definitely had the fear of rejection paralyze me in the past. I

definitely know the feeling of " I want to be alone, but at the same

time; I'm lonely and want to be around people. " I used to do that to

myself in college. A bunch of friends are going out Friday night, but

I'd stay in my dorm, by myself, feeling lonely. I couldn't feel sorry

for myself because it was my own fault I was alone, but I really

couldn't get myself to go out either.

Hanging out with a group of ppl, in a public place, is more lonely to

me than hanging out with one person in a more private setting. I

think this is because I'm looking for real connections in life, not

superficial ones... I got enough superficial ones in my own family!

But making those real connections is hard, and honestly, the only way

I got over it was when I stopped caring what everyone thought. I only

care about the opinions of the people I care about as well. Those

people that I truly care about are few & far between, I'd be first in

line if they needed a kidney, & we've earned eachother's trust & care

over the years.

I said this in another post today: I either get anxious over a

situation or I just don't care at all. So, when I meet new people

socially, I need to turn off the part of me that might care what their

opinion of me is.

I rationalize it this way:

If I make a fool of myself in front of a friend, they know & love me

already & we can laugh about it together. They make fools of

themselves often enough. And if they do think less of me, they aren't

true friends. (That can be hard to take sometimes as well thou,

finding out a friend/lover isn't totally accepting of you for who you

are.)

If I make a fool of myself in front of a friend-of-a-friend, I might

not have to see them again, and if they discuss this with my friend,

my friend already knows/loves me for who I am anyways. If I do have to

see said friend-of-friend again & they don't get to know me better,

that's their loss, not mine.

If I make a fool of myself in front of a random person, I never have

to see them again, and they'll have a funny story to tell at the

dinner table.

With the above in mind, I make a point to practice being social with

strangers; the check-out girl, the guy workin on my car, etc. If I

don't have to see them again, and they think I'm weird, who cares?

But I'm always amazed how often it's a pleasant experience. And it

helps me feel more prepared in social situations I do care about.

(Note: If I make a fool of myself in front of my boss or co-workers,

this is still a problem for me; their opinion of me matters & not just

that I'm a nice gal, but a smart & functioning employee. I

rationalize that I could always get a new job, but this isn't ideal...

I make little mistakes too often to get a new job every time, and a

big enough mistake means I'd never get a job again. I have to accept

that none of us is perfect & this is where I still need to work on my

anxiety, and some days, when the pressure is too much, I need to take

a mental health day & stay home. Avoiding stress isn't always ideal,

but putting it off can allow me to get a handle on it... as long as I

don't let my tendency for procrastination take over either.)

>

> Greg,

> It has always been there, this feeling that you speak of. I don't

> know where it comes from? But I do know since I've let her go eight

> days ago, its been the strongest its ever been in my life. I want to

> be alone, but at the same time; I'm lonely and want to be around

> people. I've been in my apartment then I'm at school, back to the

> apartment; the place has been trashed since I broke it off. I went

> to the largest college football game in the nation on Saturday and

> felt completely alone even though I was surrounded by my closets

> friends. I felt undesired by any females and inadequate.

>

> Does any of this sound familiar?

>

>

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

,

Why does your therapist being your age and a woman scare you? Just curious.

My last psychiatrist was just 2 years older than I and that did bother me b/c I

was concerned about experience - or lack there of.

j1mcninc wrote:

I've had friends that have asked my why I'm so reclusive in certain

social situations. I'd usually dismiss there claim and say things like

" I'm sorry that you feel that way " . It made sense for me to sit with

friends that I saw there and not who I came with (namely because they

were drinking already), I didn't have to be myself. I'm trying very

had these days, my therapist is a young women my age (which scares the

shit out of me). This is good because I'm out of my spiderhole and

allowing myself to be myself even when I feel anxiety and want to

withdrawal.

> >

> > Hey Everyone,

> >

> > I need some help with dealing with isolation. This, by far, is my

> biggest problem and feeds others. And now that I am in a new city,

> Seattle, I am soo mad at myself for still isolating. The bizarre

> thing is that once I get out there, I am pretty OK and have fun.

> There is something going on deep, deep down in my subconscious that is

> my mother's and father's voice, but especially my mother's.

> >

> > When I am out and before I have contact with people, I feel so

> inferior to everyone else, feel like nobody would like me, feel that I

> am strange = horrible and mean and dirty (all of which is not true),

> and I think the worse fear is that I am like my parents (which I also

> know is not true). It's like I have this message that permeates my

> being that says, " Nobody will ever like you, you little freak. "

> >

> > Have any of you gone through this to one degree or another? If

> so, how did you get yourself through it? I am so angry and sick and

> tired of this paralyzing fear of being rejected.

> >

> > Greg.

> >

> >

> > ---------------------------------

> > How low will we go? Check out Yahoo! Messenger's low PC-to-Phone

> call rates.

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

I've been emotionally bankrupt for years, my lovers all have noticed

this. I can't connect. I find myself connecting to dysfunctional

people and older women very easily. Its a weird dynamic but truly

exists for me, its some Freudian nightmare. I became emotionally

connected with my last therapist, now its time to connect to my

ultimate fear. An attractive woman that is my age that understands the

illness but is new to me. I have to connect to make her understand me

and for her to see what I think are my inadequacies and see won't

judge me, and I trust in that. My mother is a very attractive women,

she was voted Miss Michigan 1987. She has always married men based on

wealth and looks. I'm scared of attractive successful women. I'm

scared that they'll want me for superficial things and they won't like

who I am and that they want men that can nest and provide optimal

standards of living. I've gone to a few sessions and already a few of

these false agreements in my head have been wiped away. Her lack of

expierence had me sweating and anxious as to her thoughts of me as I

was revealing my past to her. But know I'm trusting her more. It

probably doesn't make much sense, but as the therapy goes, I'm sure

I'll find a way to explain it to you once we figure it out.

> > >

> > > Hey Everyone,

> > >

> > > I need some help with dealing with isolation. This, by far, is my

> > biggest problem and feeds others. And now that I am in a new city,

> > Seattle, I am soo mad at myself for still isolating. The bizarre

> > thing is that once I get out there, I am pretty OK and have fun.

> > There is something going on deep, deep down in my subconscious that is

> > my mother's and father's voice, but especially my mother's.

> > >

> > > When I am out and before I have contact with people, I feel so

> > inferior to everyone else, feel like nobody would like me, feel that I

> > am strange = horrible and mean and dirty (all of which is not true),

> > and I think the worse fear is that I am like my parents (which I also

> > know is not true). It's like I have this message that permeates my

> > being that says, " Nobody will ever like you, you little freak. "

> > >

> > > Have any of you gone through this to one degree or another? If

> > so, how did you get yourself through it? I am so angry and sick and

> > tired of this paralyzing fear of being rejected.

> > >

> > > Greg.

> > >

> > >

> > > ---------------------------------

> > > How low will we go? Check out Yahoo! Messenger's low PC-to-Phone

> > call rates.

> > >

> > >