Need help...long

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone,

I really respect all the different opinions here and need some advice.

I have been complete nc with nada for 2 1/2 years. She doesn't know

where I live or have my tn. I cut off from here foo as well. She and

my father are still together. I tried to maintain contact with him

for nearly a year after going nc with nada. It was through email or

letters to his work. I think he thought eventually this would all

blow over and I would just deal with nada like before. It became too

hard to keep in touch with him. Either he felt too guilty or the

reprecussions from nada were too severe. I saw him one last time for

lunch a year ago where I let him see my ds (whom he hadn't seen in

months).

He was the typical martyr father. I think he really loves nada but

also feels guilty and obligated to her. I always thought of him as a

victim (until I removed his pedestal in therapy). We were extremely

close growing up. Other than not handling nada more properly (ie -

gotten us kids out when he had the chance or steeped in when she got

really wacko) he was a very good dad.

Now I have been in intense therapy for years. I am bipolar and my dr

helped me work through the loss of my parents and control my illness.

It was very hard and so much work but I got to a place I didn't even

know existed. I am so happy now. I love my life, my dh and now my 2

kids. I am very good with the decision I made. I have no regrets.

That being said...my worst fears have come true. Just found out my

father has cancer. Don't know how severe it is. I am at a loss as to

what to do.

Here is the real problem. I am fine with my decision. I have worked

though and already mourned the loss of my dad. It is an ongoing

process, of course, but I haven't looked back. My fear or question is

what do I owe my dad? Should I send him a letter? Do I make the

effort to see him? It is next to impossible to have access to him

without nada being included. That is not an option.

What about my kids? Do I give him this one thing before he dies -

access to my kids? I am so scared at the thought of introducing my

dk's to my family. I didn't even call anyone in my foo to announce my

pregnancy or birth of my daughter.

The thing is, I know I made the best decision for me. It just feels

really cold now in light of the new circumstances. Normally I don't

give a second thought to what my foo and their friends think. If I

choose not to see my dad or attend his funeral, I am going to look

like the biggest bi*** there ever was. At what point should I be

concerned with the feelings of others? Or should I at all?

I am at such a loss as to what to do. My friends and new family

support me but my brother (who has supported my nc) can't deal with my

" ignoring " dad at a time like this. I recently went though a cancer

death with my mil, whom I loved, and this is all so overwhelming.

Help please. Thanks for reading this long post.