Valentine's Day

[Guest guest]

Well I got several cards in the mail today from nada to celebrate

Valentine's Day. This is the first contact she's attempted since our

blow-out at the end of December. I have NOT tried to reconnect at all.

I guess I'm posting b/c I just feel sick to my stomach when I even

see her name and address on a return address label in my mailbox. Its

like I just wish she'd up and croak sometimes though honestly I'd

just prefer to have her healthy or never have anything to do w/me

again. Naturally she acted like all was fine- writing this whacked

out stuff to my children. I threw the card addressed to me in the

trash after opening it and reading it. It was stupid. She can't send

gifts so now she's going to pump up on Hallmark cards (recap- she

can't send gifts b/c I told her not to or else they'd be returned-

the latest boundary). She never sends Valentine's Day cards and I

think its freaky to do so when we've definitely not made any peace

between us since December. I suppose she just wants to sweep it all

under the rug. I feel the same most times- just sweep the whole damn

relationship under the rug and never bring out for the light of day

again. Just forget about her and never respond again, KWIM? I don't,

however, feel even a remote inkling to pretend anymore that everthing

is okay or that it ever will be okay. I have no desire to live in

denial anymore or to have a false sense of peace that inside is just

the dormancy of a volcano that will eventually erupt again. I just

don't have any compulsion to go down that road again- to buy any of

her lies, to have any hope in the relationship, to look forward to

any reconcilliation. I have more hope than I have ever had in my

entire life right now, but none of it is associated w/the FOO. Rather

the life I've built far away and vastly different than the way I was

raised.

Anyway, I'm sure some of you can relate to the awful feeling of just

ulkiness as you walk from your mailbox to your living room to open

the mail and contemplate just throwing it in the trash or what

craziness she's going to try and pull next. In the end, I am even

wondering why I don't throw away the cards addressed to my kids when

I threw the one to dh and I away right away. Why do I feel compelled

to protect a relationship I do not want to exist currently? The

grandparent relationship. Why do I respect the autonomy of that

relationship when she clearly has no respect for my rights as a

parent to parent as I see fit (saying crap such as 'you're holding my

grandkids hostage' vs 'holding your kids hostage'- no its about nada-

not me...I don't even have a right to claim MY children. They are HER

grandchildren- ugh). I will sit on it for a while and perhaps throw

these cards in the trash too.

Wow- so much has changed in me. So much. And yet still so much left

that needs to be changed and addressed. Just mulling over the ulky

feelings that came up today.

Thanks for listening/reading.

Kerrie

PS Hope everyone has a Happy Valentine's Day!