Guest guest Posted February 7, 2006 Report Posted February 7, 2006 > I know how you feel, although my Nada is still alive. We just have > NC. I always wonder how I will feel one day if she is no longer here. > Will I regret having had NC w/ her? Not sure , mine's alive and kicking, but I regret not going NC 10 years before. I was hoping she would change. I was hoping she would care. LOL! She's incapable of it. Send instant messages to your online friends http://au.messenger.yahoo.com Quote
Guest guest Posted February 7, 2006 Report Posted February 7, 2006 > , may I be so bold as to ask your age. Wondering if that's why > you sound so much stronger then me. So what you are saying is that > she won't change and I should believe in myself....so much easier said > than done, at least for me. The wierd thing is I don't miss contact > with her at all, or really my father. I think it's just that I keep > having this repeated delusion that she is going to suddenly act like > Poppins now that my brother is engaged and be the model mother in > law/ grandmother...etc....Does that sound nuts? I'm 34 . One of the lightbulb moments I had was at about 22, and still expecting that she'd start being a mother. I was 5 when I first thought that I wasn't going to wait for her to start being a mother. Anyway, when I was 22, and I realised she wasn't there (with me), and I was still living life as though she was looking over my shoulder, picking at everything I did, etc.. But of course >>she's not there<<. and (over a few years of contact) being constantly empty after seeing her, I started wondering why I was expecting something, if what I expected was likely to happen. But even after that, it took a few years more to start to loosen my grip on those expectations. Send instant messages to your online friends http://au.messenger.yahoo.com Quote
Guest guest Posted February 7, 2006 Report Posted February 7, 2006 How long have you been NC...do you ever expect to have contact w/ her again? > > , may I be so bold as to ask your age. Wondering if that's why > > you sound so much stronger then me. So what you are saying is that > > she won't change and I should believe in myself....so much easier said > > than done, at least for me. The wierd thing is I don't miss contact > > with her at all, or really my father. I think it's just that I keep > > having this repeated delusion that she is going to suddenly act like > > Poppins now that my brother is engaged and be the model mother in > > law/ grandmother...etc....Does that sound nuts? > > I'm 34 . > One of the lightbulb moments I had was at about 22, and still expecting > that she'd start being a mother. I was 5 when I first thought that I > wasn't going to wait for her to start being a mother. > Anyway, when I was 22, and I realised she wasn't there (with me), and I > was still living life as though she was looking over my shoulder, > picking at everything I did, etc.. But of course >>she's not there<<. > and (over a few years of contact) being constantly empty after seeing > her, I started wondering why I was expecting something, if what I > expected was likely to happen. But even after that, it took a few years > more to start to loosen my grip on those expectations. > > > > Send instant messages to your online friends http://au.messenger.yahoo.com > Quote
Guest guest Posted February 7, 2006 Report Posted February 7, 2006 How long have you been NC...do you ever expect to have contact w/ her again? > > , may I be so bold as to ask your age. Wondering if that's why > > you sound so much stronger then me. So what you are saying is that > > she won't change and I should believe in myself....so much easier said > > than done, at least for me. The wierd thing is I don't miss contact > > with her at all, or really my father. I think it's just that I keep > > having this repeated delusion that she is going to suddenly act like > > Poppins now that my brother is engaged and be the model mother in > > law/ grandmother...etc....Does that sound nuts? > > I'm 34 . > One of the lightbulb moments I had was at about 22, and still expecting > that she'd start being a mother. I was 5 when I first thought that I > wasn't going to wait for her to start being a mother. > Anyway, when I was 22, and I realised she wasn't there (with me), and I > was still living life as though she was looking over my shoulder, > picking at everything I did, etc.. But of course >>she's not there<<. > and (over a few years of contact) being constantly empty after seeing > her, I started wondering why I was expecting something, if what I > expected was likely to happen. But even after that, it took a few years > more to start to loosen my grip on those expectations. > > > > Send instant messages to your online friends http://au.messenger.yahoo.com > Quote
Guest guest Posted February 7, 2006 Report Posted February 7, 2006 > How long have you been NC...do you ever expect to have contact w/ > her again? > > The last time I spoke to her was Christmas 2004. She doesn't ring me and I don't ring her. Even for birthdays, and I am thankful for it. I don't need her complicating my de-fleaing. I have seen her in a shopping centre (July 05) but she was having one of her " incidents " , I assume over nothing as usual. I wasn't going to put myself in harm's way, so I just walked past at a safe distance. Im not expecting any contact what so ever. Certainly, I am hoping to have none. If she was going to change, she would have, and since she's 62 now I think it is impossible. It's taking me years just to de-flea. And besides, it's not her with the problem, it's me (sound familiar?) Send instant messages to your online friends http://au.messenger.yahoo.com Quote
Guest guest Posted February 8, 2006 Report Posted February 8, 2006 Hi , Although I wish you didn't have to go through this, I think your approach to your pain is a good one. Yes, it is your grief, and you can do what you want with it - even enjoy it, since you weren't allowed to have any emotions before. It is good to be feeling and to know what those feelings are about. Take care, Sylvia > > > > Hello out there. Lately be feeling kind of numb and kind of sad all > at once. All of Pittsburgh seems happy due to our big super bowl win. > I am happy we won and I am happy for the Steelers, but I don't really > feel it. I went to my theropist today and told her how I felt. She > said I was going through the first stages of grief again. When I left > I realized I wasn't grieving for nada's death, I was grieving for > myself. I was grieving for the childhood I should have had and never > did, and for all the things that little girl lost because of her nada. > I feel so sad. I plan to feel my own pain for awhile and even enjoy > it. I was never allowed to feel anything as a child. I would never > have survived > it. This is my pain, my sorrow and it belongs to me. My nada can not > take that away from me anymore. > Quote
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